Feeling so unhappy and i don't know what to do

[Littlebme12]

Hi

This is my first post here, im not sure if im in the right place. I just need to get this out and i don't really have anyone around me that i can talk to or get advice from. I feel lost and like i want someone just to help me see what i need to do to sort this situation im in.

Im a mum of 3 my 2 older kids are from my first relationship which was fairly controlling and not very happy at the end. However i left and felt so strong and in control, i got myself a degree and juggled the kids which was damn hard but strangely i was so happy. Im now 5 years down the line and in a new relationship that if im honest was probably a bit of a rebound. We have a 2 year old together. he's a bit younger than me and I don't know if things are going to work, i feel let down by him at times. Iv asked him to address some things that aren't unreasonable that are affecting us and despite his constant apologies and assurances nothing changes. He isn't a bad guy tho but i just find now that everything he does irritates me and im moaning constantly at him. Add to that, the pressure of organizing the kids, im unhappy in my job and deal with all our finance, i get so ground down by the loneliness and monotony of spending time with a toddler who i actually afore. I don't know whether to move job which will involve full time instead of part time that i do now, then i will need to work out finances ( on my own) will i cope with full time? will the youngest be happy at nursery? i just don't know where to start but i want happy me back happy for the kids too because im being a shit mum right now and i know iv been better. I just don't know that to do xx

[GeordieMama]

Sounds like you're in a bit of a rut?
Maybe moving jobs would be good but I would also try to make time to talk things through with DP. I know finding time isn't easy, do you have anyone who could look after the kids so you could have some time together? Also maybe have some time out on your own or with friends to figure out what you want out of life? Sounds like it's been a hectic few years with little time to gather your thoughts.

[Littlebme12]

Its difficult with the kids and his work and mine to get anytime together, plus iv said and heard the same thing at least on a monthly basis he just doesn't do what he says he will. Its not major things, but i think if u are like this with the small stuff what u like with the bigger things. Half the time its stuff he suggests hr needs to change and he goes on about il do this do that and yet nothing changes. I think you might be right about space on my own to think though. I can't see the wood for the trees. I don't even know what makes me happy or what's important to me anymore. Overwhelmed with it all. Thank you x

[tallwivglasses]

You've got a lot going on here, no wonder it's overwhelming.

My counceller (sp?) helped me to break it all down into bite-sized chunks. I put each problem/issue on a seperate piece of paper and drew cartoons/spider diagrams of what I wanted, needed, and steps towards my goals. It made me get on single, rather than multiple strains of thought which helped a lot.

Oh, and take a deep breath every now and then

[onetiredfromthesugarhighmummy]

Hi :)

Time on your own might be good yes. It sounds as if he is the main problem, with the work & drugery issues arising from that as secondary add-on problems.

Perhaps as a first response, try a trial period of 3 or 6 months, or any timescale that seems sensible to you, then you both try to make some changes. At the end of the trial re-assess & see whether you still want to try a separation....?

[Littlebme12]

Having had a think now he is the problem, or the relationship is. The other stuff would not seem so bad if i was happy and stable with that. I don't feel in control, not that im a control freak but i feel downtrodden by it and ny confidence and self esteem is also affected. Its not that he is abusive although I feel that his immaturity means that he uses sulks and moods and this really bothers me, i can't ignore it. If u feel something say it don't have me running hounding you to tell me what the issue is. This is going to sound terrible and iv tried to not let it bother me but he's also put on a fair amount of weight and its had an impact on our sex life and how attracted i am to him. Its not that I think looks are the be all im no oil painting etc iv tried to be supportive and we all ate healthier exercised more and he would then on my days at work be pigging out in the house or eating extra leftovers and btw he raised the fact he wanted to address it not me. He also tells i guess what are white lies lots of the time and eventually when challenged will admit it. I don't get it? Also i have asked for space away from his at times overbearing need for my attention or time and to just leave me be. He disregards this most of the time says he forgets but i just see it ss a blatant disregard of my feelings and wishes. If we argue he won't talk about it then tries to act as if nothing happened and we should be lovey dovey. I must have been asking now for about 18 months to change these small things and we work.on it together and he says he will but doesn't. I think i resent him now and im not sure if i can get over that. Iv spoken to him today and again this is the time he's going to step up. Im going to chst to him later about putting a time on it and looking at other options for living arrangements etc within that time. Just feel a failure x

[22honey]

' He also tells i guess what are white lies lots of the time and eventually when challenged will admit it. I don't get it? Also i have asked for space away from his at times overbearing need for my attention or time and to just leave me be. '

Do you know anything about your DP's childhood/family of origin? Its just this sounds exactly like my DP and I ended up figuring he was an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) after doing a lot of research. The little 'white', pointless lies about unimportant things where it would be just as easy to tell the truth, and the overbearing need for my attention where sometimes I was left just thinking 'leave me alone to chill for a bit!' and also the sulks and moods rather than just saying out loud whats bothering him. Once I attributed it to his upbringing (both parents are addicts/alcoholics) I came to terms and understood what I was dealing with a lot more. Obviously this might not be the case for your DP but it really struck a cord with me. My DP also is not a bad guy he is lovely and sweet but certain things were always 'off' and it felt much better once I realised what that was.

[Littlebme12]

His mum died from alcoholism when he was fairly young. He doesn't like to talk about it a lot and i don't push i, he wad closest to his mum and did a lot for her even as a child. It never occurred to me that could be a factor. Although his dad also tends to misuse alcohol and they have what i think is a bit of a dysfunctional relationship. They clearly love each other but don't think its important to discuss things. ie his brother was unwell and his dad didn't think to tell him even though they are in regular contact. Where did you get some info from? did things resolve or have you just had to accept they way he is?. Thanks so much for pointing this out x