About my stepson

[Cuppachaplz]

I probably am being horrible, but I genuinely am at my wits end and don't know what to do.
My husband and his now 19 year old son moved in with my 10 year old son and I about 18 months ago, and we married a few months afterwards. I had previously always got on fine with his children (the other one being at university), and didn't anticipate any problems. I initially tried everything that I could to have ground rules, equally shared chores and family time, but he refuses to do anything except for sit in his room playing computer games. He won't help around the house or clean up after himself. He refuses to wash either himself or his clothes, and won't put clothes to be washed either. He refuses also to make any effort to get a job, but doesn't have any interest in going to college either.
If my husband is out he is aggressive and violent (but never in front of him or anyone else) so I have taken to staying out until he gets home, usually walking around with my son.
He told my son a while ago that if he could split his dad and I up then they could go home, and suspect that this is where things started so I have tried being supportive, and tried asking my husband to talk to him about if he would be happier on his own if we could help him.
Recently he has also started stealing or destroying my things, particularly things that are special to me. The one time my husband made him do some laundry he broke the machine, and since I have stopped asking him to do anything, it feels like he looks for ways to wind me up.
I hate the fact that my 10 year old will do chores without being asked, and yet I am expected to put up with a freeloader who has no intention of doing anything except bully me.
The only house rule for now is that if I am in a room and my husband isn't he must stay out of it. I know this sounds dreadful of me, but I am constantly frightened, and don't know what he might do.
I have begged my gp for counselling, and tried talking to my husband. I am grumpy, snappy and irritable. I can barely sleep and cry every night now. I am at the end of my tether and don't know what do next, and hate myself for thinking that now I just want him out.
I have never posted on anything like this before, but would genuinely appreciate some advice as I don't know what else to try to make things work.

[sebsmummy1]

That sounds really disturbing. I'm afraid I think it's totally unacceptable to be sharing a house with an angry, violent adult you are frightened of. How is he with your son?

[MellowAutumn]

What is your husbands stance on this? Unless he backs you 100% now you need to ask them both to leave or you need to move out. This abuse and your own son will be damaged by this.

[wheresthelight]

You may find the step parent board under being a parent more helpful.

But I agree with the above, it is unacceptable. I would issue you husband with an ultimatum to either deal with his son or find him somewhere else to live.

Neither you or you 10 yo should be subjected to this violence.


Hope you are ok. And is it escalates then call the police

[RoaringTiger]

What is your husband doing to deal with his son? It sounds like a completely unacceptable unlivable situation, you shouldn't be living in fear in your own home no way!

[thebodydoestricks]

For fucks sake!!

You are an adult woman who is threatened and scared of another adult in your own home. That's domestic violence.

Your dh is ignoring this? You can't trust either of them.

Just think of the effect on you let alone your son. What next could he do? Attack your son? You?.

Go to the police. Log a complaint about the stealing and threats and them tell them both to leave. ASAP.

[Ledkr]

Oh sweetie this is intolerable.
You simply must tell your husband that his son either stops immediately or gets the fuck out!
He's a bloody adult and this is classed as domestic abuse.
If your husband doesn't like it then he needs to go too.
Sorry to be blunt but this really is black and white.

[neolara]

I agree with sebsmummy, but I suspect the answer to this lies with dh. If he is prepared to back you up, and chuck his son out if necessary, then it will probably all be ok. If he isn't, then I think you are probably on a hiding to nothing. Have they both moved into your house? If so, I would be laying down the groundrules clearly. If you dh is not prepared to back you up in enforcing them with your dss then I you have your answer and you then have the choice of continuing to live in fear, or asking him / them to leave.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

And on top of that the son needs to replace the fucking washing machine.

[Chippednailvarnish]

Yep. Throw him out before he starts on your son...

[starlight1234]

I agree..husband is making the whole situation worse..both need to go ..nobody should have to put up with that

[thebodydoestricks]

Can I ask if the first wife is around?

Has the son witnessed violence/bad behaviour from your dh to his mother?

Sorry if I am way off beam but how can your dh take this so lightly or not seem to care?

Apples falling from trees and that.

[whattoWHO]

Is he physically violent to you? This sounds horrific. You must tell your DH everything and that he needs to make alternative arrangements for his DS. If he won't, then they both have to go.

[Cuppachaplz]

He's fine with everyone but me, and only vile to me when there's no one there to see it. I never ever leave my son with him, and we are never in the house if only he is there.
It is my house, and it have pointed this out several times.
The problem is that he was seriously ill as a child, and is likely to relapse at some point, so my husband has always allowed him to get away with things. I didn't realise this until a recent conversation with his daughter, who apparently has always been upset by the fact that that he can do what he likes, while she has to tow the line.
My husband has apparently spoken to him, and to be fair he has left me alone for while now, reverting to moving things or hiding them instead, but that doesn't actually make me trust him.
I don't think my husband realises how frightened I am, or how much this is upsetting me, because all he says is that no one else has ever gad any problems with him and he has never been in trouble. I think he thinks I am exaggerating. Also it doesn't help that because I'm not sleeping, my temper is very short. I assume that this means it looks like I have anger issues rather than that his son us manipulative. This was why I was keen to try counselling, as I feel that if I could help him to see my point of view, he might do more.
I am worried that if I force the issue and make him kick him out, when he gets sick again I will be blamed.
I have repeatedly pointed out , with my husband support and agreement, that if he doesn't like the rules he knows where the door is. He smiles politely, apologises, tells his dad that he doesn't understand what the problem is, agrees, and then continues as previously. I'm not quite sure how I can actually go about enforcing things, since his dad keeps saying that he can't afford to go anywhere. My attitude is then that presumably he has a choice about his behaviour.

[vichill]

he's got to go. If he's having this effect on you your son will be stressed also. really feel for you. what a shit time you must be having.

[whattoWHO]

God, you must be so miserable.
Can you keep a log of every incident, remark etc. Include whether your son witnessed.
Show it to your DH.
Is the mother on the scene?
Does your DH think he is helping his son by enabling this behaviour?
Having said all that, I think you have got beyond the point of readoning,. Your DH needs to act or get out.
How heartbreaking for you.

[Cuppachaplz]

His mum left them when he was ill, and has been sporadic and very unsupportive.
He has never punched me, but has kicked out in passing a couple of times, which I ducked, and has shoved passed me several times, once knocking me down the stairs. I think dh is in denial, and doesn't want to believe his son is capable of anything like that. He has spoken to him, but says he never heats answers, am pretty close to giving on him too, except that other than his massive blind spot with his ds, everything is great. As didn't want to leave their last home town. I offered at the time to help if he wanted to stay, but he came anyway and seems to blame me for the fact that he has left his friends behind. I didn't make him come, no one did, but now I really wish he'd just stayed; we always hot on fine before.
Husband never been violent in his life, and I have never seen him lose his temper. Thinks that's part of the problem; he's just too placid and hopes that things will sort themselves out :/

[Morgause]

If your DH is not supporting you ask them both to go.

You can't go on like this.

[missymarmite]

I think you need to sit dh down and tell him that ds is now an adult and should be independent, being ill doesn't mean he can't work or claim benefits, and he needs his own place. I think together with dh you should plan how to get his ds out in his own place. Give a time limit; if he's not out by such and such time they can both move together, because you e had enough. Contact benefits and local council re housing and support.

[thebodydoestricks]

I think your battles is already lost with them both.

Kick them both out ASAP.

[NigellasDealer]

how dreadful, the son has to leave why should you and your son share a house with this adult? not on at all, tell your DH he kicks him out or they leave together.

[Cuppachaplz]

Thanks everyone. To be fair, you've all backed up where I was getting to, I just feel like an utter bitch for feeling like that.
Dh has said he'd have never moved if he knew I would ask him to leave. Pointed out that never would have let them move in if if I knew how I would be treated.
I guess the real problem is that the nasty stuff is never seen by anyone else, which has me doubting my own sanity as I'm sure it appears to everyone else that I overreacting to unsociable, smelly teenager.

[missymarmite]

I think you need to make it clear that you aren't forcing dh to move, you just think his ds needs some independence. There are lots of young people that manage to move out; house shares etc. Doesn't dh want more for his ds than a life on video games?

[shoppingbagsundereyes]

I think your dh needs to work out his priorities. His son is an adult and needs to make different living arrangements. I would give them both a month to work it out and then pack the son's stuff. It is not worth the trauma to you and your son. What if he turns on your little boy next?

[OhChristHasRisenFenton]

Why would you feel like a bitch? Your feelings towards him are out of protecting your child and you.

I agree with others, he doesn't want to live in the same house as you so HE has to go, not you or your child.

But I would also be having doubts about a husband who's allowing this to carry on.