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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

please help me

258 replies

iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:40

I went and saw myfamily today for four hours haven't seen them since Christmas dh has gone mad. He is so cpntrolling. I can't do this any more I want toleave but he says I will loose dc

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MissMarplesBloomers · 15/04/2014 23:43

No you won't lose your DC , that is standard crap that abusive partners come out with to keep you there. Talk to us, are you safe, are your family in the picture?

borisgudanov · 15/04/2014 23:44

You won't. Go and see a solicitor and treat his threats as the shite that they clearly are. Experts will be along presently.

iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:45

I don't know he trod on my foot. Well stamped and I can't stop crying. He constantly puts me down. I have putontwo stone I am so miserable

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Loveleopardprint · 15/04/2014 23:46

Poor you. How horrible. Is there anywhere you can go? Will your family support you?

iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:47

My family don't know but I think they suspect dh refuses to let them visit except on very rare occasions

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Joules68 · 15/04/2014 23:47

Classic abuse, keeping you isolated

Is he a different culture? Op, you CAN escape this. You can lose the weight, don't worry about that just now

iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:48

They will support me but live a long qay away so huge change for kids

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iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:48

Yes a different culture why

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iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:49

I don't know why he wants the kids takes no interest in them. Called ds a girl for watching masterchef today

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Loveleopardprint · 15/04/2014 23:51

A huge change but definitely a change for the better. Do you really want them to grow up watching their mother being controlled? I am sure your family suspect and are just waiting for you to ask for help.

iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:53

I just want to run away. Everything is down to money with him

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cozietoesie · 15/04/2014 23:53

He's using that threat to manipulate you, that's why. Has he hurt you at other times?

PortofinoRevisited · 15/04/2014 23:54

Would your family take you in? I really would suggest phoning Women's Aid for advice. You don't have to put up with this.

cozietoesie · 15/04/2014 23:54

PS - and has he ever touched the children?

iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:56

We were all so happy today and then got home and he sat upstairs saying isn't anybody talking to me. Where is my tea. We are going to see my family on friday for the weekend. We are going on holiday on Monday. I said I need some time to get ready for holidays. He said you should have done it today. I am working for the next two days so will not have much time to do anything.

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iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:57

Yes has hurt me before but sAys he will say I have donethings

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iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:58

Family would take me in but don't want to put them through it. Never touched the children

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iambigfatmess · 15/04/2014 23:59

Sorry typing is awful hiding with phone and can't see for tears

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Loveleopardprint · 16/04/2014 00:00

Have you got good supportive friends that you can talk to? Sorry we seem to be asking a lot of questions!! You have taken a first step by asking for help.
Can I just tell you that a relative of mine was married to a controlling man for 35 years. She finally left him and has a wonderful life now but wishes she had done it so much sooner.
I am sure that there will be more mumsnet there on with practical advice.

Bogeyface · 16/04/2014 00:00

First, where are you posting from? Where ever it is from delete the MN history (but not anything else) and dont save your password. If you are using a PC then go to the start menu, click "all programs" then the folder marked "accessories", then "ease of access". In there is an on screen keyboard that you can use with the mouse that wont register if he has put a keylogger on the pc so he cant read anything you type. You might think he wouldnt do that, but he would, he really would.

Secondly, what are the arrangements in your house re the kids and work? Do you work or are you main carer for the kids? Does he work? If you are the main carer then it would take an awful lot (sustained and proven abuse or neglect) for him to get custody of them. If he is the main carer then that is more problematic but not insurmountable. do you have an access to any money, preferably in cash?

Thirdly, escaping. If you rocked up tomorrow with the kids and a bag, would they take you in and put you up? In preparation get together all the paperwork you can feasibly get without arousing his suspicions, so birth certificates, passports (very important if you think he may abduct them), mortgage info, rental agreement, credit card and bank statements...anything you can get. As for the kids, yes it is a big change, but nowhere near as traumatic as growing up with an abusive father and a bullied and abused mother. You need to do this for them, they are suffering more by you staying than if you leave.

Lastly, call Womens Aid when it is safe for you to do so. DO NOT WRITE THE NUMBER DOWN, another MNer in your position did this and he found it....you can imagine the rest :( bear in mind that if you call from your mobile it will be charged and will show on your bill.

Keep posting sweetie, we will help you get out of this.

Loveleopardprint · 16/04/2014 00:02

Sorry about last sentence. What I meant to type was there are lots of mumsnetters with great relevant advice. I just didn't want to read and run. Sorry waffling!!

SnotandBothered · 16/04/2014 00:02

OP he is a bully and a twunt. I'm sorry.

it's good that you feel like this. It would be harder if you still wanted to be with him. You don't. You know you want a better life for your and your DC.

Good.

What do you think you can manage to do to make a start? Do you have money/job? It doesn't matter if you don't. You can still leave.

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Bogeyface · 16/04/2014 00:03

Sorry that should be "would your family take you in and put you up?"

Of course you dont want to put them out, you are used to doing whatever you think will cause the least aggro. If your sister or mother came to you fresh from leaving an abusive husband would you feel angry and put upon? Or would you feel utter relief that they had escaped and help them?

Loveleopardprint · 16/04/2014 00:03

You see Bogeyface has lots of great advice!

iambigfatmess · 16/04/2014 00:06

I work part time. Apparently I contribute nothing though. Am the main caree. He does nothing with them and in fact is like a third child. I would need to leave work if I moved to family as two hundred miles away. I just wish he would die

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