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please help me

(259 Posts)
iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:40:45

I went and saw myfamily today for four hours haven't seen them since Christmas dh has gone mad. He is so cpntrolling. I can't do this any more I want toleave but he says I will loose dc

MissMarplesBloomers Tue 15-Apr-14 23:43:22

No you won't lose your DC , that is standard crap that abusive partners come out with to keep you there. Talk to us, are you safe, are your family in the picture?

borisgudanov Tue 15-Apr-14 23:44:18

You won't. Go and see a solicitor and treat his threats as the shite that they clearly are. Experts will be along presently.

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:45:46

I don't know he trod on my foot. Well stamped and I can't stop crying. He constantly puts me down. I have putontwo stone I am so miserable

Loveleopardprint Tue 15-Apr-14 23:46:08

Poor you. How horrible. Is there anywhere you can go? Will your family support you?

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:47:29

My family don't know but I think they suspect dh refuses to let them visit except on very rare occasions

Joules68 Tue 15-Apr-14 23:47:46

Classic abuse, keeping you isolated

Is he a different culture? Op, you CAN escape this. You can lose the weight, don't worry about that just now

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:48:19

They will support me but live a long qay away so huge change for kids

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:48:52

Yes a different culture why

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:49:51

I don't know why he wants the kids takes no interest in them. Called ds a girl for watching masterchef today

Loveleopardprint Tue 15-Apr-14 23:51:38

A huge change but definitely a change for the better. Do you really want them to grow up watching their mother being controlled? I am sure your family suspect and are just waiting for you to ask for help.

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:53:12

I just want to run away. Everything is down to money with him

cozietoesie Tue 15-Apr-14 23:53:40

He's using that threat to manipulate you, that's why. Has he hurt you at other times?

PortofinoRevisited Tue 15-Apr-14 23:54:49

Would your family take you in? I really would suggest phoning Women's Aid for advice. You don't have to put up with this.

cozietoesie Tue 15-Apr-14 23:54:52

PS - and has he ever touched the children?

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:56:21

We were all so happy today and then got home and he sat upstairs saying isn't anybody talking to me. Where is my tea. We are going to see my family on friday for the weekend. We are going on holiday on Monday. I said I need some time to get ready for holidays. He said you should have done it today. I am working for the next two days so will not have much time to do anything.

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:57:17

Yes has hurt me before but sAys he will say I have donethings

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:58:45

Family would take me in but don't want to put them through it. Never touched the children

iambigfatmess Tue 15-Apr-14 23:59:38

Sorry typing is awful hiding with phone and can't see for tears

Loveleopardprint Wed 16-Apr-14 00:00:06

Have you got good supportive friends that you can talk to? Sorry we seem to be asking a lot of questions!! You have taken a first step by asking for help.
Can I just tell you that a relative of mine was married to a controlling man for 35 years. She finally left him and has a wonderful life now but wishes she had done it so much sooner.
I am sure that there will be more mumsnet there on with practical advice.

Bogeyface Wed 16-Apr-14 00:00:17

First, where are you posting from? Where ever it is from delete the MN history (but not anything else) and dont save your password. If you are using a PC then go to the start menu, click "all programs" then the folder marked "accessories", then "ease of access". In there is an on screen keyboard that you can use with the mouse that wont register if he has put a keylogger on the pc so he cant read anything you type. You might think he wouldnt do that, but he would, he really would.

Secondly, what are the arrangements in your house re the kids and work? Do you work or are you main carer for the kids? Does he work? If you are the main carer then it would take an awful lot (sustained and proven abuse or neglect) for him to get custody of them. If he is the main carer then that is more problematic but not insurmountable. do you have an access to any money, preferably in cash?

Thirdly, escaping. If you rocked up tomorrow with the kids and a bag, would they take you in and put you up? In preparation get together all the paperwork you can feasibly get without arousing his suspicions, so birth certificates, passports (very important if you think he may abduct them), mortgage info, rental agreement, credit card and bank statements...anything you can get. As for the kids, yes it is a big change, but nowhere near as traumatic as growing up with an abusive father and a bullied and abused mother. You need to do this for them, they are suffering more by you staying than if you leave.

Lastly, call Womens Aid when it is safe for you to do so. DO NOT WRITE THE NUMBER DOWN, another MNer in your position did this and he found it....you can imagine the rest sad bear in mind that if you call from your mobile it will be charged and will show on your bill.

Keep posting sweetie, we will help you get out of this.

Loveleopardprint Wed 16-Apr-14 00:02:05

Sorry about last sentence. What I meant to type was there are lots of mumsnetters with great relevant advice. I just didn't want to read and run. Sorry waffling!!

SnotandBothered Wed 16-Apr-14 00:02:38

OP he is a bully and a twunt. I'm sorry.

it's good that you feel like this. It would be harder if you still wanted to be with him. You don't. You know you want a better life for your and your DC.

Good.

What do you think you can manage to do to make a start? Do you have money/job? It doesn't matter if you don't. You can still leave.

How can we help?

Bogeyface Wed 16-Apr-14 00:03:22

Sorry that should be "would your family take you in and put you up?"

Of course you dont want to put them out, you are used to doing whatever you think will cause the least aggro. If your sister or mother came to you fresh from leaving an abusive husband would you feel angry and put upon? Or would you feel utter relief that they had escaped and help them?

Loveleopardprint Wed 16-Apr-14 00:03:29

You see Bogeyface has lots of great advice!

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