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Scared my husband is having another emotional affair.

(63 Posts)

I have bipolar last time I was on a severe depressive episode my d?h had a emotional affair. Well since then and before it he has refused to have any friends even though I have encouraged him too but he just wasn't interested.

Fast forward I am on a extreme psychotic depressive episode again and he has found a female friend. He messages her about 6 times a day or so he says and he talks on the phone for about one to two hours a week.

I am very paranoid ATM so would appreciate some advice as to whether I'm being paranoid. I'd welcome being told that it's lonely being with someone who is depressed and that's why he has a sudden need for friendship.

I have discussed this with him but he says I'm being paranoid that there is nothing going on and he will not stop a friendship because of my paranoia even though I haven't actually asked him to. He says if I behave so paranoid he will end up being secretive and that is dangerous.

Well as I am psychotic and paranoid I really don't know what to think. Please tell me I'm being paranoid.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Apr-14 10:01:20

When you say 'found' a female friend, is this someone he knows IRL or is she an online discovery? Does he show you what the messages say? Do you know what they talk about on the phone? Have you ever met this new friend?

In short, we all need friends, especially when life gets tough. If your MH condition is the reason his life is tough then he can't really get support from you and he will need plenty of listening ears... male as well as female. Does he not have regular friends that he can talk to? Would he regard talking to others about your illness disloyal? I come back to that word 'found'...

It's a online friend that he found after searching. No he doesn't show me his messages.

I've never met her or spoke to her he claims they talk about her abusive ex and my illness.

Neverknowingly Tue 15-Apr-14 10:08:31

He seems a bit extreme. From refusing to have any friends to being somewhat overprotective and intense with this one he has now deliberately sought out.

It is not unreasonable to want to have friends but his extremes of reaction would raise alarm bells for me.

I should mention as it's relevant he sought out a online friend last time and that's who he had a emotional affair with and he said I was over reacting as she was in a different country and nothing physical could happen. This woman is also from a different country.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Apr-14 10:13:49

I'd also regard his behaviour as extreme. We all look for support in others and sometimes it's easier to be more open and less guarded with strangers than friends & family. It's why MN exists for example - shared experiences providing mutual help. But frequent messaging and long phone-calls seems rather obsessional.

Do you think, on any level, the stress & mistrust this behaviour creates (you say it's happened before) contributes to your illness?

Yes it's making me I'll and although I've told him it is stopping me sleeping and contributing to my ill mental health he just became aggressive. Said my paranoia was stopping him from having his only friend.

Plus I've been in a abusive relationship before where my mental health was not only used against me but used as a excuse for abuse. If he tries to use my mental health in order to have a affair and get away with it which if he is having a affair then he has it's over between us. No questions no third chances I won't put up with it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Apr-14 10:24:47

Whether he's having an emotional affair or not, there's a big problem here. MH problems can be very difficult for partners to cope with and he deserves some sympathy but calling you paranoid and getting aggressive when you raise objections is not acceptable in the slightest.

I agree cogito he also is pushing my paranoia ATM for eg I get extremely paranoid that someone will abduct my kids this causes me to self harm and attempt suixide and the other day he insisted on letting them play in the garden unsupervised even though the gate is broke and they can get out unsupervised. He said they wouldn't go out and he was sick of pandering to my paranoia. So I self harmed out of panic and desperation the situation made me very I'll all day. All I wanted was my kids to be supervised but he refused.

But the problem is I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or not as I'm ill.

LavenderGreen14 Tue 15-Apr-14 10:37:14

It reads to me like he is using his illness against you - him having this amount of contact with someone else is not acceptable in my eyes. This is nothing to do with you or your illness - he chooses to behave in this way and justifies it by saying your illness is the problem and not his own actions. I think he is abusive towards you and if you were not treated in this way your health would dramatically improve.

HollaAtMeBaby Tue 15-Apr-14 10:39:53

You are not being unreasonable. This guy is bullying you, taking advantage of your current weakness and almost certainly making your illness worse. Are you well enough to end the relationship? If you are able to take care of your children by yourself, I think he should move out.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 15-Apr-14 10:41:04

Does your DH ever accompany you to the GP or therapy sessions? Have you ever received family counselling on the nature of bipolar & how best to provide support? Do you have a care team or similar?

As I said earlier, it is very stressful and anxiety-provoking to witness someone going through a crisis. It is easy to say and do the wrong thing & the families of sufferers deserve sympathy and compassion.
What he's doing sounds bad but I can't judge whether he is deliberately making the situation worse or whether he is simply thoughtless, panicking and saying the wrong things.

I did ask him after our argument Sunday to find somewhere else to live but he refused he said I was too ill to make a decision and he would not be leaving.

We have had no family therapy but are considering paying private for couples counselling. We have a family holiday planned for May half term then we are going to put our money into couples counselling.

tribpot Tue 15-Apr-14 10:48:54

I provide mentoring suppprt to other carers who, like me, have a spouse with a long term condition which impacts on physical and mental health. This is an official scheme run and monitored by Carers UK.

What he is doing is the extreme opposite of this. It's understandable he might need to reach out and may want someone he can say things to that he doesn't want to say to you but his behaviour is utterly inappropriate. Why a female 'friend'? Why so aggressively protective, esp after last time?

I think he does this when you're vulnerable on purpose.

Thanks for your advice and input tribpot. That's exactly what I'm scared he is doing. I will leave and go to women's aid if they will accept me if not my mums if I get concrete proof he is.

But he is so protective of his phone and when they are talking if I walk in the room he stops talking.

mansize Tue 15-Apr-14 11:23:57

He sounds like a large part of the problem, tbh. You keep saying 'paranoid' but, given that he had an EA during your last episode, it's not surprising you are worrying about this now, especially as he is showing signs of doing it again. You need support and he is not supporting you. He is actively behaving in a way that he knows makes you feel worse.

What professional support do you have? Are you seeing a psychiatrist? Are you taking medication?

Yes I see a psychiatrist and take loads of medication. I've just had one of my medications doubled. Tbh I'm thinking about getting some stuff together and staying with my mum a week to see if I feel better and get my head on straight.

RollerCola Tue 15-Apr-14 12:32:19

I may be sticking my neck out here but I'm willing to bet that his 'friendships' with other women that he's searched out online are contributing to your illness and making it worse.

What kind of supportive partner does that? Looks online for a woman (not a man) to talk to about you, and then tells you you're paranoid about it. You don't know her, but he's apparently telling her all about you and your problems.

Don't feel paranoid about this. The facts are he's having an online/text/phone affair with another woman. It doesn't matter what he talks to her about. He is YOUR partner and if he wants to talk he should talk to you.

I bet if you left him and didn't have to put up with being treated so appallingly your mental health would improve significantly.

He is having an affair. Don't doubt yourself, and don't put up with it any longer for your own mental healths sake. Leave him and find someone who loves you the way you are. Your health will improve without this idiot in your life.

RollerCola Tue 15-Apr-14 12:35:26

Oh and you don't need proof. He's already told you what he's doing. He's ringing and texting another woman. He might say it's innocent but it's not. No one does that and it's innocent. You have all the proof you need.

Thanks rollercola I've called my mum and I'm going to stay at hers for a week. I feel so defeated and alone. It took a lot for me to trust him after my ex. I don't think I'll ever trust another man to love me. It's not worth it not with my mental illness and how easily taken advantage of I am. He was my last shot. I won't risk another negative relationship on my kids. I am a mum of three who is mentally ill and has two children with special needs one severe no one normal will want me not now.

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