DP lying about money

[lanarana]

This is my first post on here but have read lots of good advice on here and would really appreciate any help.

I have been with DP for three going on four years, we are both young and in our 20's. One major problem throughout our relationship has been his tendency to lie about things. They are mostly trivial things which I do not care for except from the fact that he has lied to me about them.

However the topic he lies about which is important to me is money. Last year I discovered that he had been taking out pay day loans throughout our relationship which I didn't know about, and that he had spent the savings which I had given him for safekeeping. The loans I can understand as he doesn't have the best paying job, but spending my money was unacceptable and I let him know this, even though the money was spent on half of our holiday I believed this was his money.

I thought that this was all behind us until yesterday we booked a summer holiday. I asked him to put aside a little money to help me pay for it. He pays my rent even though he doesn't live with me so if he had said he was unable to I would have totally understood. However he said that was fine and led me to believe he had £300 saved up. We booked our holiday and I asked him to bring the money next weekend so we could pay off the remainder of the holiday. He then told me he did not have the money even though he had said to my face minuets earlier that he did have the money. He knows he has done very wrong by me and this time I am not letting it pass so easy. I know why he lies, it is because I worry a lot especially about money and he always wants to provide for me e.g always treating me and wants me to even transfer the bills to his name even though he struggles enough.

I know I won't leave him over this, but I don't know how to work through an issue such as this and obviously this is something that needs to be worked through.

[Doinmummy]

Why does he pay your rent? Do you work ? Sounds like he's trying to take on too much financially and it's run away with him.

[IneedAwittierNickname]

Why does he pay your rent?

[Doinmummy]

If you know he's struggling and has taken out pay day loans , maybe booking a holiday was not the best idea.

[Locketjuice]

What she said ^

[BitchPeas]

He struggles, takes out pay day loans but yet, he pays your rent, treats you and you book holidays?

Why??

[LaurieFairyCake]

Stop booking holidays when you can't pay your own rent?

[lanarana]

He pays my rent because initially we were going to move out together, however he began to advance at his work and we decided it was best for him to progress there rather than take on a different job where he might no progress as fast.

I'm a student and I do work, I just don't make enough to pay the rent. I have proposed we pay half and half but he said no. He hasn't taken out a pay day loan since last year as we are now more careful with our money.

We both work hard and love going on holiday, it is the only time of year when we can both take some time out together and we look forward to it all year.

[PigletJohn]

I don't understand this bit

the savings which I had given him for safekeeping

Do you live in a place with no banks? Or don't you trust yourself with access to money?

[LaurieFairyCake]

If he doesn't live with you then you should be supporting yourself.


You said in your opening post that he doesn't live with you.

How can he pay all his own rent and most of yours?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Are you outside the UK? And is English not your first language?

[lanarana]

I gave him the money for safekeeping because at the time my bank account details had been stolen and my account was under investigation so I panicked and withdrew my money. His house was better than mine as I have untrustworthy members of my family.

He doesn't pay rent, he lives with his parents.

[Dirtybadger]

Cancel the holiday. I'm a student. I work. It's just one of those things; you can't afford holidays.

No advice on the lying thing as I've no experience of this but you definitely need to make it clear to DP that from now on you shall not be particularly accepting of "gifts" and such. You're a grown woman and will look after yourself. Perhaps if he does find himself in stronger financial circumstances he can put that money aside and you can both consider a nice holiday in a few years' time when you're working and the pressure is off.

[independentfriend]

You're never going to see that money again. If you're bank account details have been stolen, you take advice from the police and the bank about how to secure your money. Giving it to someone else for safekeeping is simply unnecessary [and foolish, but mainly just unnecessary].

Whatever else you do, if he can't be trusted with money, you need to separate your finances. Checks with the credit reference agencies would be a good move (Experian, Call Credit and one other I forget the name of) - you want the £2 statutory checks, not anything else they try to sell you. Reasons for this is to check the records are accurate and that he hasn't fraudulently taken out credit in your name.

If you are living separately, only the person living in the accommodation is legally responsible for the bills and it is foolish to give the energy companies another name - they will come after all the names they've got for unpaid bills. In addition, if you're living there, the bills and control over them should be yours, not his - do not transfer anything about your home to him. [It's different if you're actually going to be living together, but whether that's something you want with someone so irresponsible with money is another question.]

[RunnerBeen]

From your posts, i actually would not be surprised if you were dating my ex. His lies and thieving left me in hundreds of pounds of debt which i have been left to pay off and am still suffering for three years on.

get him to fuck, amd change any passwords, pins etc he has to access your money before he lands you in the shit.

[SomethingProfound]

Him paying your rent is ridiculous. It sounds like he feels under a lot of pressure to provide a certain lifestyle. Cancel the holiday you can't afford it, and start taking responsibility for your own bills.

[Lweji]

What can possibly be said about this but LTB?

He lies, lies, lies, he spends his money, loaned money and your money. Then lies, lies, lies.

Please don't try to start a family with him. It will only lead to heartache.

[Lweji]

Also good point by Runner.
Your bank account details had been stolen you said?

[Aussiebean]

You know you could borrow some camping gear and go camp in the next county. 300 pounds for just one of you sounds like a big holiday.

There are much cheaper options.

[Jingjangro]

OP, I don't think you should let it lie. Even though he has been paying some of your rent/bills, he has squandered the money you gave him for 'safekeeping".

Whether you LTB is up to you, but I wouldn't want to spend my life tied to someone so untrustworthy, who lied and was so irresponsible about money.

You seem quite naive about money - its time to sort out your financial affairs - keep on top of your own bank account and savings and generally wise-up about money. Be in control of your own life - don't let someone else fuck it up.

[Thislife]

No wonder the bloke is broke - he's paying your rent! Why on earth would he do that if he doesn't live there?

And would you really empty your bank account and give him all the cash for 'safekeeping?' Get real.

[Thislife]

And you can't afford your own rent yet are putting pressure in him to pay for a holiday. Stay at home this year.

[GuybrushThreepwoodMP]

We look forward to having some time off together all year too. But if we're struggling financially, we don't have a holiday. Your whole situation seems completely bizarre. Giving money for safekeeping, asking him to bring the money round for the holiday so you can book (I'm imagining him bringing round £300 in cash and then trying to feed it into your computer so you can complete an online booking). Him paying your rent because it's better financially?
Something smells funny here.

[mrscynical]

Why are you living somewhere that you cannot afford? Why, if you cannot afford to live there, do you have savings? If the relationship were to end tomorrow where would you go?

Sounds like he is trying to please you when he cannot afford to and is being untruthful in order to keep up with you.

You suggest you wanted to pay half the rent (although let him pay the full amount anyway) so the savings you gave him you should write off as he obviously cannot afford to keep both himself and you on his wages.

You must accept some responsibility for this situation.