Desperately need perspective

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

Don't know what to do. DH and I have always bickered quite a bit and I guess the stress of 3 children has amounted to him telling me that "he loves me but is not in love with me and is thinking about leaving (although I would be the one leaving as we are expats (4 hrs flight from London where I would move too to be closer to family etc).

He says that it would be better for me and everyone as he finds it hard to control his temper. Want to try and keep this thread to facts rather than assumptions. He is a great father and adores the kids. he says he can't imagine us retiring together and that if he is honest he is only with me for the kids. Minutes later he is hugging me and kissing my cheek etc. I asked him today why he still kisses me he says that he still cares about me, that's why.

He recently agreed to counselling and we have done about 7 hrs but he is not the most open person so finding discussing us in front of someone hard but we twice now have left barely saying goodbye (we travel separately as he then goes onto work). He says that he can't force himself to love me but as he made his wedding vows "for better or worse" he would like to get a flat in London so he can be there 'as much as possible' for us and that he would look after me till death us do part etc

He has said some quite hurtful things to me in the heat of the moment and I just wonder how how possible it is for someone to change. I have been massively focusing on what the therapist has requested of us and tried to change from knee jerk retain to conscious behaviour and am managing to accomplish his "homework tasks" etc. He has barely done anything and thinks it is just weird that I listen to the guy after 10 yrs of him asking the same thing and me not listening. I have literally taken it as a kick in the butt in order to save us but he is taking so long to process anything. I think I'll leave it at that as don't want to make this too long. any opinion much appreciated - thanks

[AnyFucker]

So, do you know who she is ? (the other woman)

It's very likely there is (at least) one or a prospect of it

I am sorry.

[Lweji]

It does look like it is the end. You can't force anyone to love you back.

I think you need to plan for a divorce. :(

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

Thank you anyfucker, I hoped that you would answer me

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

He denies anyone else, if there is I can't see when he would meet her, until a couple of weeks ago, he worked from home.

[Lweji]

I was going to post the same as AF, but in fact, does it matter why he wants to separate?

Just don't let him keep his half way pretense of a good guy. Or believe it.

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

Why does this shit senario happen though, I just want to shake hime and say "Fucking stand up and work this out"

[Lweji]

Is that to AF, or anyone?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sadly, that line about 'love you but not in love with you' is so often code for 'I've met someone new' that it's almost a cliché. I realise that's speculation rather than the facts you've presented but sudden changes of character, sudden withdrawal of affection, contradictory behaviour etc., usually have some kind of motivation behind them. A new scene or a new person....

[AnyFucker]

I agree it it makes no difference whether there is OW or not, but for some women that is their final line in the sand

OP, I suggest you stop doing the humiliating "pick me" dance (even if it isn't a direct competition with OW) and start making plans to make sure you will be financially and emotionally ok when you split

[AnyFucker]

Do you work out of the home ? Does he never, or do you both never ever leave the house ? Does he use an internet connection ? Never believe there is "no time" for someone to make an emotional or physical attachment with someone else.

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

I don't work, 3 kids under 6. He has some business trips so I guess there could be scope there and yes he has internet connection but he is constantly taking calls. I know the bickering has annoyed him for years and he keeps saying how hard the decision making, as to what to do, is for him.

[AnyFucker]

Perhaps, to focus his mind, he needs to move out.

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

Thanks for answering everyone. Yes, maybe he does need to move out. Why are men so short sighted. We had a really lovely weekend away in december and he kept saying how much we needed the break from the kids but now can barely remember it!

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

ps. how on earth do I emotionally prepare myself for the split if it comes?

[AnyFucker]

It isn't good for you, nor the dc, to have someone moping around whinging about how "difficult" is is for him to decide whether he should honour you with His Presence or not

Tell him to leave, whilst you do some thinking of your own

Watch him backpedal like crazy. Or not. Hopefully by then you will have come to the conclusion you don't need an ambivalent oxygen sucker dragging your family down.

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

Thank you AF. Will try that

[AnyFucker]

I am sorry you have been forced into this position. Whatever happens though, when you look back on this you will be glad to stayed in charge of your own life rather than passively standing by while some bloken decides whether he wants you or not.

If he isn't sure, he takes a hike until he is, one way or the other. Or until you decide that he isn't good enough for you

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

thank you again, hard for him to go as still works from home office with a couple of others but I guess they could all shift somewhere

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Keep on keeping on. Have faith that things will get better and you can make a fresh start without trying to second guess a detached H all the time.

Indulge yourself, do those things that H scoffed at or never took pleasure in. As he's such a good dad he shouldn't object to you starting as you mean to go on, he can shoulder more childcare now.

Keep a diary, get some of the churning feelings down.

Exercise, feel strong, try and make time for yourself.

Most importantly, confide in friends. A big change is coming and you could do with some support. You can return the favour, it's too easy to neglect friends when you're in a couple, and helping someone else out when you are beset by your own worries can put your own trouble in perspective.

[Londongirlhelpneeded]

Thanks Donkey, will try, don't know how much space to give him. He adored me once! It's just too sad, I honestly think he has no idea what he is doing? maybe it's depression, maybe it's someone else - I just don't know. If I give up on 'us' then won't he feel like there is no point trying to fight?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Either there's someone else, or he likes the idea of having someone else, and is hoping that the threat of losing him will make you turn yourself inside out trying to be the Perfect Wife. Some men feel pretty much entitled to have Wifey at home doing all the domestic work and childcare, and other women for sex and ego-boosting,and they go about getting what they want by convincing all the women involved that they are such a desirable prize that the women will put up with anything and everyting in order to Keep That Man.
DOn't do it, OP. Tell him you don't want a partner who is with you grudgingly, so he can move out and think it over somewhere else.

[Itsfab]

I wonder if they say they love you but aren't in love with you (general you) as they think it softens the blow?

I agree you should get some space between you and if he starts back pedalling I would think very carefully about whether you want someone who can casually break your heart and then is pathetic enough that they can't manage without wifey there to look after them - hence the needing/wanting to stay in the family home.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

If I give up on 'us' then won't he feel like there is no point trying to fight?

With respect OP I don't see him fighting - I think if you are struggling to save this marriage all by yourself what a long lonely path you have set yourself on.

[Jan45]

Get him to move out and let you know when he's made his mind up, the longer he stays there making you feel shit the worse you will feel. Seriously, he is up to something but for his anger issues alone, you'd be better off without him around you.

[Itsfab]

What's all this let me know when you have made your mind up crap? He has said his bit and now it is all about whether the OP wants him anymore. He isn't the boss ffs.