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I have to cancel this 'date', don't I?

(172 Posts)
Hissy Sun 13-Apr-14 12:09:12

'met' this guy on OD site. Few messages, emails, couple of phone calls, not actually met up yet.

Have tentatively arranged a first meet on Thursday. In my mind all was ok, but then he's asked if i'd fancy a stroll in the lanes behind the restaurant we're meeting at.

For some reason this has thrown me completely. It goes against all the guides on safe dating. I know that area like the back of my hand as it goes, and even have friends who live there, but still... all I can think of is the Crimewatch reconstruction.

It's brought into sharp focus what I don't know about this guy:

His full name
Who he works for (apparently in same place as I live)
I know approximately where he lives, but not exactly
The email address he uses he told me he's set up specifically for OD contact
He doesn't have a mobile that works in the house, and he's not allowed to take it to work
Considering the mobile network issues, I don't have his home number either, but not sure if that's relevant. He doesn't have mine either, but has my mobile.

On his OD profile, it mentions somewhere that he finds it hard to trust people

The profile was set up on eHarmony, but he never became a full member. There's no photo, i've not seen one.

I sent him the pic from my profile, as you can't see them either unless you're a member (only realised this recently) he never commented at all on my photo, and hasn't sent one back.

Until the 'would you consider a stroll' comment, I was prepared to meet him. Now i'm not at all sure.

Am I being over cautious? Am I allowing my paranoia from previous abusive relationships cloud this?

I have a DS, if anything happened to me, the options he has for ongoing care are dire! Abusive dad (abusive to me only, adores his son, but lives in a shithole of a country i'd not want ds to go to) my family are a bunch of bastards, am NC with them, and as am not christian or anything, ds has no godparents.

Am I being melodramatic?

I think in posting this i've answered my own question, but some input from fellow MNers would be most welcome.

Secondly, how do I cancel this? Tell him the truth, or just fake an excuse?

ballsballsballs Sun 13-Apr-14 12:11:21

That would freak me out too. I met DH on a dating site but the first couple of dates were in public places.

NigellasDealer Sun 13-Apr-14 12:12:04

hissy i am not sure what 'the lanes' means - is it like brighton?
nontheless if you have a bad feeling about this, then go with it.

AnyFucker Sun 13-Apr-14 12:14:02

Listen your instinct

I would cancel and tell him exactly why

TheNewSchmoo Sun 13-Apr-14 12:14:05

I personally wouldn't meet someone I hadn't seen a photo of.

Doinmummy Sun 13-Apr-14 12:14:32

I would not meet this man. The fact that he doesn't have a mobile that works at home and can't take it to work would be a red flag. The suggestion of going for a walk sounds fairly innocent to me. Also not being able to see his pictures would be a no no for me.

Tinks42 Sun 13-Apr-14 12:15:08

If it makes you feel uncomfortable just don't do it Hissy? I personally wouldn't like the let's go for a walk in the lanes idea either. I also don't date guys who don't show themselves (without a picture). It always makes me wonder what they're hiding.

Just don't contact him and if he contacts you just say sorry but you've changed your mind and good luck. You don't need to give a reason.

lougle Sun 13-Apr-14 12:16:21

Why can't you just say 'I'd rather meet at the restaurant' -the fact that he's asked in advance implies that he had no intention of coercing you.

BrianTheMole Sun 13-Apr-14 12:16:39

Trust your instincts. I couldn't imagine meeting someone if i didn't know what they looked like anyway.

I agree that bad feeling, red flag. If you still want to meet just say no to the walk.

Wishfulmakeupping Sun 13-Apr-14 12:17:38

I would feel very uncomfortable- I think you need to cancel

MinesaMess Sun 13-Apr-14 12:18:07

I'm a LP and personally wouldn't dream of OD. Just too risky imo. I realise lots of people do it and options for meeting people as a LP are limited but it's just not a risk I'd be willing to take for the sake of a bit of male company.
Then again I'm perfectly happy single and have no desire to date. Hopefully someone with a more balanced view will be along shortly.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 13-Apr-14 12:18:22

Sounds to me like he's either married (no full name, no photo, separate e-mail address just for OD, you can't have his mobile or home phone numbers, where he lives or works) or an axe murderer.

I'd tell him straight, the date's off, you don't know enough about him to be prepared to meet up.

Xenadog Sun 13-Apr-14 12:19:41

Don't go. Trust your instincts and message him saying you have changed your mind. No excuse, no reason. leave it at that and then do not reply to any messages.

I think eHarmony is a good web site (it's where I met DP) but I wouldn't consider meeting anyone where I hadn't seen them and there were so many red flags flying.

GotAnotherQuestion Sun 13-Apr-14 12:20:04

It's ringing my warning bells too - avoiding public places and withholding vital information about himself from you? Not good.

It doesn't matter whether such secrecy is for his self protection, the fact is they are obvious no-no's for a first date.

Trust your instincts on this one.

mousmous Sun 13-Apr-14 12:20:30

yep, cancel.
you don't feel it's right, that's your bullshit radar going off.

Tinks42 Sun 13-Apr-14 12:21:14

Im also going with the people who have said he's married or living with someone.

Hissy Sun 13-Apr-14 12:21:42

Nigella I live in t'country, the lanes are lanes along fields towards a ford. I know them well, have taken DS to play in the icy cold water a gazillion times, it's very busy in summer, but wouldn't be now I don't think.

I've been wrestling with the whole thing since the walk in the lanes thing.

I imagined the post on MN and knew what i'd say to anyone else who posted it.

I don't have anyone in RL to ask about this, and MN has always been the best place i've had for support, so thought to ask.

MN is like having the best big sister in the world!

UrsulaBuffay Sun 13-Apr-14 12:22:16

You haven't even seen a photo of him?

FabULouse Sun 13-Apr-14 12:23:07

No no no. He's being weirdly secretive - as opposed to healthily private (ie not everyone wants an open photo on their profile for fear of ribbing from colleagues etc. Coupled with the odd request about the walk, just no. A considerate, respectful man would actively avoid doing anything that would be likely to generate fear or anxiety. A decent man would want you to feel safe and confident. He's not necessarily a mad axe murderer but there are definitely issues at play which are best swerved I feel.

WeAreDetective Sun 13-Apr-14 12:23:47

What AF said. Tell him and tell him why.

NigellasDealer Sun 13-Apr-14 12:24:21

hissy just say no!

MincingOnBy Sun 13-Apr-14 12:24:26

I wouldn't meet if I didn't know what he looked like - as well as for safety I just I wouldn't want to meet someone unless I found them at least passably attractive! The walk behind the restaurant sounds really weird tho as I don't know the place I can't really picture it.

Have you spoken on the phone?

If you're feeling weird abt it just cancel, it's not worth it

Foxsticks Sun 13-Apr-14 12:24:57

Maybe he thinks a walk would be romantic and hadn't considered it could look creepy? You could always say you'd rather stick to a meal this time, he could be a lovely guy.

CbeebiesIsAboutToPop Sun 13-Apr-14 12:25:07

another saying listen to your gut on this one, I'd be cancelling. my radar would be going off too, you dont know enough about him to be taking a stroll on dimly lit lanes. RUN

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