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Dd bf beating her & there's nothing I can do about it...

(82 Posts)
moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 09:51:51

My dd is 22. Strong, intelligent, educated, beautiful, string willed & has the most hideous Bastard for a boyfriend.

I believe she met him when she was 17. She was 19 when she introduced him to me. He's 25. He had 10 custodial sentences since the age of 15. He came out of prison last November after serving 18 months for burglary. All his crimes are theft or violence related.

I wasn't exactly pleased but decided she was young & the novelty would ware off-it hasn't.

I realised just before his last stretch that she was scared of him. It was actually by accident. She won't admit to me she's scared of him or that he's hitting her.

He's a raging control freak, I've never seen anything like it. She's been reducing how much time they spend together as, according to my ds 24, she's had enough of him. On mother's day. Dd bf kicked her outside ds house.

Last night he beat her up in front of her friends & friends family. The friend is from school & her mum called me at 1.30 am as she was so worried.

But, instead of coming home she went to his house. They came here. They must have been here between 3 & 6 am as that is the only time I was asleep.

I tolerated him. Let him in our house. I've ignored my instincts. I've tried to make sure he didn't isolate her from her family like he did her friends. I've not confronted him or her directly. Now I can't ignore or carry on playing games, I can't pay this any more lip service.

I've done everything to keep her close to make sure she was dependant on him. Never encouraged her to move out etc.

Now how do I handle this? If i make her choose, she'll chose him. If i do or say nothing I'm condoning his disgusting behaviour.

Any advice appreciated!

moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 09:53:50

Sorry for typos...exhausted & on phone!

3DcAndMe Sat 12-Apr-14 09:57:47

There is little advice I can offer

However I will say I think you are doing the right thing in not isolating her from your family or trying to force her apart from him

We recently lost my younger sister, and I do believe this is largely due to how her parents dealt with her relationship with a boyfriend who was bad news. They initially pushed her out and into his arms. They then tried to keep her under lock and key. It did not work and now she is gone forever

You need to remain a consistent supportive influence in your dds life. If she is getting sick of him then she is possibly not far from ending it. I'm unsure how you let her know you don't tolerate this behaviour without possibly making her feel judged. However I'm sure that someone else can help you

phoolani Sat 12-Apr-14 09:58:07

I'd try removing her from the situation, even just for a few days. Can you suggest gong on a short break together? Push it as some mum-daughter time that you'd really like (as in, make it about you not her, so she'll see it as a favour she's doing you)? It might give her a bit of distance from the situation, give her time to think and get the courage to leave him? God, I hope you can get her to.

Oh my god sad

You need to make sure that she knows you are there for her no matter what. Other than that I'm at a loss sad

Could you get in touch with women's aid? They might be able to advise?

Do they have any dc?

BertieBotts Sat 12-Apr-14 10:01:09

Can you report him to the police? I believe they have changed the law recently which means that they don't need a complaint from the victim in order to press charges, especially if they have witnesses.

mammadiggingdeep Sat 12-Apr-14 10:09:23

What a piece of shit. If it were my dd I think I'd want to kill him. Unhelpful I know but how dare he?!

I think it sounds like you've done your best to leave the door open to him. Could you ring WA and ask their advice? You could also try taking with your local police DV unit?

moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 10:09:58

Thanks. No dc. She's almost obsessed about not getting pregnant.

She's is studying & in just over a year she will be qualified. She will have great earning potential. She is being trained by a company who are paying her college fees. She's will have a job as soon as she finishes college.

3dc- that's my worse fear. I'm ever so sorry for you. I hope I'm acting as a security blanket for her.

I don't know if it's the best way though as it's still going on & escalating.

peggyundercrackers Sat 12-Apr-14 10:10:12

This must be really hard for you, I don't think I could stand by knowing what is happening, it would be hard not to confront him and rip his head off but I know that wouldn't help. It's good she is trying to minimise her time with him, maybe if you did give her an option to get out she would take it? You absolutely need to confront her, by not doing so you are letting this situation continue, no doubt she has not mentioned it because she is completely embarrassed by being in this situation and she probably feels disappointed with herself that she has found herself in this situation.

I also find it hard that none of her friends have stepped in and said something, why would they let him beat her up in front of them? If that was my oh beating me up in front of friends and family he would have needed an ambulance to help him, no one I know of would stand by and let that happen.

moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 10:11:56

I have thought about the police but I'm worried she'll turn against me.

This morning I was so angry I wanted to beat him but makes me no better then him!

3DcAndMe Sat 12-Apr-14 10:12:05

Moany, you sound like you are doing good to me, I think my sister possibly got to feeling like everyone wAs against the two of them, an us against the world kind of thing

moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 10:14:55

It was her friend, sister's & friends mum. He's a big bloke. They were scared. I do wish they called the police though.

I'm going to offer to pay for a holiday for her. See if she can get some time off college& work. I can't go away due to family commitments cm but she can...

OxfordBags Sat 12-Apr-14 10:23:16

She might love him, but women mainly stay with their abusers out of fear, and because the effects of abuse can be like being in a cult. The mind has to work so hard to work out how to cope, how to make sense of things, when they make no sense, and how to protect themselves and stop it happening, and trying to live by their abuser's bonkers rules and ideas, that they become like beaten dogs who are made so scared by the world that they'd rather stick by their master and be beaten than be parted from him.

I hope you understand that's an analogy, I'm not saying your daughter is like an animal x

BIWI Sat 12-Apr-14 10:35:35

Why didn't her friend/friend's family call the police? angry

No use her friend's mum saying she was worried - if she was really worried she should have done something. If he's prepared to behave like this in public, what is he like in private?

BIWI Sat 12-Apr-14 10:36:25

I would go to your nearest police station and ask to talk to someone from the domestic violence unit and ask their advice. I'd also be asking the friend's mum if she would be prepared to go to the police.

Your poor daughter sad

moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 10:46:16

Oxford- your anology makes sense! If you met my dd you would be surprised as she's a real 'toughie'. Works in a male dominated environment. Very opinated...tells it how it is !

I don't know why they didn't call the police.

I'm very concerned. It's like the rules have changed. It's not a private thing now so he's nothing to lose. Whereas before he had to keep the facade up...

She reckons she's with friends this morning. I don't think she is.

BosieDufflecoat Sat 12-Apr-14 10:47:16

I don't understand why you won't go to the police? I called the police once because I saw a complete stranger mistreating a dog. Call the police.

moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 10:47:39

I think i will go to the police, even if it's just for advice...not really sure what they can do unless I can prove it?!

wyrdyBird Sat 12-Apr-14 10:48:30

Don't make her choose. Don't do nothing. It's time for some honesty and some talking.

Talk to the police or women's aid, to get some advice, at least. You didn't witness the assault, but you can tell police what you know.

No more lip service or accepting the relationship - any more than you'd accept your daughter self harming without saying anything. Try to keep it extremely calm and matter of fact, and talk to her truthfully about your concerns. Have a word with WA first if you're not sure what to say.

Talking calmly and truthfully is not the same as forcing someone to do what you want, or keeping them under lock and key, etc. If she chooses to run to him despite your calmest and best efforts, she's made her own informed choice. If you say nothing, even with the best of intentions, she MAY think everything's ok or she's over reacting. It's time to make a quiet stand.

moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 10:49:27

I haven't gone to the police as I've never seen or heard him abuse her.

I need to keep her on side. It's one thing dealing with physical abuse, quite another when it emotional & psychological abuse...

Athrawes Sat 12-Apr-14 10:49:30

Google Sophie Elliott and do anything you can to get her away from him.

moanymiserablemum Sat 12-Apr-14 10:53:22

I've got a bad feeling.... i feel like i have to do something incase something awful happens & i will spend the rest of my life regretting not dealing with this propley.

God, it's so difficult. I've never hit anyone in my life but right now I want to make him scared....really fucking scared.

3DcAndMe Sat 12-Apr-14 10:54:57

I would be careful going to the police yourself incase this pushes them closest together, can you ask her friend or friends mum to report what they saw

maleview70 Sat 12-Apr-14 10:58:25

My advice wouldn't be legal. Wankers like him only know one way and that's unfortunately not looked upon favourably by the law!

fusspot66 Sat 12-Apr-14 11:01:00

If he's recently our of jail won't he still be on license? He could be back inside in a price. Speak to the police.

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