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He punched me in the face.

(539 Posts)
NeedAdvice2014 Sat 12-Apr-14 03:35:40

I don't know if anyone's awake. I am in a bit of a mess, in lots of ways. My H went drinking last night. He has form for being aggressive and nasty when drunk, though never violent towards me before. About a year ago I threatened to end things and he stopped drinking altogether. All of our issues stemmed from his drinking so I gave it another chance.

He started having just one glass - excuses like not making other people feel strange. Then going out when he was staying with friends. Last night he went to a work do, initially he said he would come home for DCs bed time, then that he would go straight from work and come home early. He got back after midnight, O heard him falling around, he went into the spare room.

About 3 he came into our bedroom and got into bed. He lay half on top of me hugging me and put his duvet over us. I was annoyed he had woken me again and said "what are you doing?" He said "I was trying to be nice you fucking cunt". I went to the toilet and when I came back he was across the whole bed and on my pillows. I wanted to go to the spare room and pulled my pillow out from under his head - I did do this quite roughly as I was annoyed. He jumped pit of bed, pushed me across the room and punched me full force in the face. I screamed and said I would call the police and he got back into bed. I could feel lots of blood.

I have a cut on the bridge of my nose which bled a lot, it's still oozing blood now. My nose and forehead are going to be bruised. I am in the spare room and have locked the door, he is quiet.

What the hell am I going to do? Our marriage is over, I am not letting my DCs grow up in a home where this happens. We are supposed to have H's friend and his DC stay tomorrow, I am going to tell him to cancel it. But then what? I think I need to tell him to leave, but I can't afford the house on ky own. What will I say to DCs? And what will I tell anyone, especially work, about the state of my face? I feel in shock.

nolongerbumpieorlumpie Wed 23-Apr-14 05:31:34

Hey op, how are things going? Did dv support get in touch yesterday?

Stay strong biscuit brew

Thebeachismyhappyplace Mon 21-Apr-14 09:50:18

Hope you're having a good weekend.

I agree withKeatsie words:it is up to him to figure some stuff out. He put you in this position and your priority is to keep you and DCs safe. His is not to have regular contact with you all it is regular contact with AA to start him on the recovery road, and keep him there. He cannot earn brownie points by seeing DCs regularly.

My own dad tried to use his DCs as a bargaining tool in his recovery, needing to see us to keep him strong for detox etc. all crap. He needed to do it for himself and the pressure he out on us to gove him a reason to get well was cruel.

Not sure I am explaining myself but IMHO family and recovery ae not mutually dependent. He lost his family when he assaulted you. It is not your fault if he never makes it back to you.

I think you are doing an amazing job walking tHis very tricky tightrope. Am in awe of your strength.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 20-Apr-14 22:16:12

thank you. need. thinking of you also. have as good an Easter as possible. x

Flux700 Sun 20-Apr-14 05:32:04

You are brilliant! Taking great strides

DustBunnyFarmer Sat 19-Apr-14 19:35:59

Still here and wishing you well. Do make use of the support you have here if you need it.

AlpacaYourThings Sat 19-Apr-14 19:32:19

Keep talking to us whilst your friend is away, you have a lot of support on this thread.

Have you got anything planned for the rest of the weekend?

NeedAdvice2014 Sat 19-Apr-14 19:29:39

Hi everyone and thank you for checking and caring about me thanks

Vicar I hope you're ok, I'm sending you every good wish.

I've read everyone's posts and thought about them a lot. It's all very confusing at the moment and my emotions are all over the place. I'm quite angry that I haven't had any professional support despite trying hard to get it, but I'm very lucky in having my best friend and all of you. I went to my first Al Anon meeting this afternoon and that was emotional, will continue with this.

My friend has gone away for Easter weekend, she was unsure but I insisted. It's challenging but good to be going alone.

Thank you again for your virtual presence.

KeatsiePie Fri 18-Apr-14 22:54:19

Hi Need. I'm sorry for the recent stress about school but so glad it worked out.

Re: figuring out how to manage your DH's presence in your and your kids' lives day to day, I think you're walking a line that is really difficult to walk. I don't mean you shouldn't be walking it -- in fact I think you are doing a really great job of communicating with him and checking/confirming/adjusting your boundaries as needed, and of being strong and practical - but it must be exhausting. You've had to step up and take on a whole lot that you were not prepared for (of course not) because he didn't deal with a very serious problem as and when he should have.

Maybe it will help for you, when you are trying to figure out how to walk that line, to keep that in mind the fact that he has put a tremendous burden on you and he needs to acknowledge and respect how much you are having to do, how much you are having to think about, and how very taxing things have become for you -- practically and emotionally -- because of him. I don't mean you should try to make yourself angry. I mean you should feel like it's okay to say "I don't know what to do about xyz boundary issue. If you're committed to making this time of separation work for us and our children then I expect you to work just as hard as I am on figuring out how to do it. That does not mean just deciding you will come around a lot b/c it seems easiest, b/c in fact it may be bad for us and for the kids to have you come around a lot, and it's not just my job to figure out what's bad for us. That's your job too. You should be going to AA meetings and talking to a counselor and doing research about how best to manage this for our children and for us."

I don't know whether that makes any sense at all, or even whether it's good advice, honestly -- I just feel like it should not be only your job to figure out how to make the separation work. If he's committed to getting help and being a good parent during this time, then he needs to be thinking and planning and offering you ideas, not just sitting around waiting for you to figure everything out. It's his damn fault after all.

I'm sorry if I sound ranty. I hope this will be a good weekend for you thanks

Thebeachismyhappyplace Fri 18-Apr-14 09:51:18

Glad the school place is sorted for you.

Thinking of you this holiday weekend, have you got some fun times planned with DCs or your friend?

Stay strong, you are doing so well. Ad as said ^ don't worry about being his support your priority has to be you, then the DCs.

Nappaholic Thu 17-Apr-14 22:20:55

Hope you are ok Vicar? I've been lurking and feel invested in you almost as much as the OP!

Stay firm, OP. Give it maybe six months apart...either he'll have been able to convince you that he's changed by then, or you will be out of his thrall (and wonder why you ever were, perhaps) and have a better sense of perspective than you may have right now. In the meantime...bloody well done!

chocolatespiders Thu 17-Apr-14 19:04:20

Glad the school place was sorted.. Hope you have a good Easter weekend.

Itsfab Thu 17-Apr-14 18:28:24

I haven't anything better to add but I would like to say just remember it isn't up to you to fix things that he has broken, especially with the children. He has to be the one to keep a relationship going and to help them feel safe and secure. He has caused yours and their heartbreak. He has to be the one to fix it and you need to let him and I mean let him as in he has to sort his job, place to stay, access to the children if that is safe and right. Don't fall into the trap of doing anything for him. You concentrate on your children and yourself.

Great news about the school brew.

DustBunnyFarmer Thu 17-Apr-14 14:49:13

Fab news about your DD's school place - especially having a clear outcome before Easter.

Quinteszilla Thu 17-Apr-14 14:39:42

Glad to hear that the school place is sorted. I want to add to the chorus of "dont let him lean on you".

He needs to sort himself out. He wont be able to see the ramifications of what he has done if you keep picking up the pieces, and he leans o you to support him for what he has done to you. He has jeopardized his family in his selfish need to drink. He has focused solely on himself and his needs. Egocentric behaviour is quite typical of an alcoholic, he sees his needs, and dont really see the world from other perspectives than his own. He wont really take in how this affects you, or your children. He has chosen alcohol. You cant walk this path for him. He needs to do this himself. You need to extricate yourself and focus on your live, your healing, your job, your children. Without him. Like he needs to focus on his healing without you. In future, there may be a you plural. Not now.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 17-Apr-14 14:01:08

glad thats sorted....one down....

still checking in , just having a few issues of my own at min! but still here....

DustBunnyFarmer Thu 17-Apr-14 12:59:38

Fab news about your DD's school place - especially having a clear outcome before Easter.

Phew! What a relief - so pleased you don't have to stress about that anymore.

You're right - you really have come a long way since the start of this thread.
It won't be fixed quickly though so don't rush into anything.
Think about you and the DC and take things 1 day at a time.
Keep going and keep strong! You're doing soooo well.

tribpot Thu 17-Apr-14 11:30:57

Oh thank goodness for that! All good.

And I agree with WTFlike. Shouldn't he be taking the children to the park on his own to give you some quiet time? He needs to feel the full effects of you being separated.

WTFlike Thu 17-Apr-14 11:06:58

I hate to think of you in the park with him, with your battered face. It makes me sad.

Wishing you strength.

AlpacaYourThings Thu 17-Apr-14 11:05:14

Brilliant, that is absolutely brilliant news OP. smile

NeedAdvice2014 Thu 17-Apr-14 11:03:25

Also DustBunny I totally agree with your post and now the school stress is out of the way I will do some thinking about this. I'm not expecting the DV service to get back to me until after Easter but I will follow up counselling with them, I think it could be really good. "Rescue and support" is totally spot on and it's not a healthy way to be.

NeedAdvice2014 Thu 17-Apr-14 10:59:51

THANK FUCK it has worked out and she got offered the lovely school round the corner! Basically the admissions site had a snarl up with the email provider I use and anyone with that email provider didn't get the results. I spent the morning phoning and stressing and then the post came.

I am attributing this result entirely to Mumsnetters' good wishes - fate has no chance against the power of Mumsnet. I am so so relieved, my luck is changing!

sparkybabe Thu 17-Apr-14 08:13:49

Good luck, op

sparkybabe Thu 17-Apr-14 08:13:49

Good luck, op

DustBunnyFarmer Thu 17-Apr-14 06:54:24

But I take your point, I am falling into being a support for him and I know I tend to not prioritise my needs enough.

I think this ^ is a really important issue/chatacteristic that you have just recognised in yourself. I metaphorically pricked up my ears and I am sure a counsellor would do the same. It might be worth mentioning at your first Al Anon family meeting. It's classic codependent behaviour & if you and your husband have any chance of relating to each other in a healthy way, you're going to have to let go of your tendency to rescue and support. Maybe see if you can critically examine this over the next few days & how you feel when you try to "care less"/make him responsible for sorting things out. His reactions might also be quite informative about your dynamic.

Good luck re: the school application later.

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