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dh snoring is really ruining our relationship

(37 Posts)
balenciaga Sat 05-Apr-14 11:07:27

I know it sounds funny but it isn't

I am 9 months preg and for last few months have barely slept cos of his snoring. obviously me being preg is not helping either but I just feel pure rage when I am laying there wide awake and look across to him fast asleep snoring his head off, oblivious, blissfully asleep when I could cry with lack of sleep

I poke him which stops it for a bit it goes quieter but then gradually just goes louder again

it used to be if he slept on his side it didn't happen but it happens all the time now. he has offered to sleep on the sofa so last few weeks he has, but that makes me sad

one of the reasons he split with his ex before me is that apparently she used to make him sleep on the sofa for months before they split up, but his story was that it was cos they weren't getting on hmm more like she was having the same problem as me !!

he is not fat but possibly slightly overweight which I don't think helps but wtf am I meant to say, I cant say anything sad

if its like this after the babys born its really gonna cause problems!!

help please sad

VanitasVanitatum Tue 08-Apr-14 13:39:36

Nytol nasal spray = amazing. Stopped my exes absurdly loud snoring straight away. Really worth a try, though of course doctors too.

croquet Tue 08-Apr-14 13:34:55

p.s. Experiment with him having no booze for an evening, might stop the snoring.

croquet Tue 08-Apr-14 13:34:35

Haven't read the rest of the posts, but trust me if you are annoyed now you will be livid when he snores and wakes the baby up in precious sleep-times.

Poke him in the ribs and tell him to sleep on his side?

Flyingducky Tue 08-Apr-14 12:49:56

Separate beds for us too. We are much nicer to each other and it doesn't affect intimacy at all, we just visit each other.

It actually improved our sex life.

The kids talk about mummy's room and relatives are a bit hmm when they visit but fuck it! works for us and have a happy marriage.

MrsWentworth Tue 08-Apr-14 10:21:12

Separate rooms have been our salvation. I was becoming ever more miserable, unslept and resentful of DH lying there snoring away merrily. In our old house, I moved to the spare room; when we moved house, we made it official and bought a house where we could both have our own rooms (which also has the good side effect that I can arrange mine how I like, and vice versa!)

It makes no difference to sex - in fact, the one thing that is a real sex-killer is being unslept and resenting your well-slept partner for it.

DH was a bit reluctant to make it official (I think he was afraid that it meant I'd gone off him) - but as we are still together, I think he's got over that. He is also quite glad that he can go to bed as late as he likes without waking me up...

maleview70 Tue 08-Apr-14 10:16:08

There is a lot to be said for not sleeping in the same bed.

When all you want is sleep, why do you have to have someone next to you?

I would do this if we had a spare room.

HopeClearwater Mon 07-Apr-14 23:49:29

Marking place, I've only solved this problem by separate bedrooms but desperately want my dc to have own rooms now. How my DH sleeps through the noise he makes is beyond me.

silverlight Mon 07-Apr-14 23:39:07

I'm lying here listening to my DW snoring, so I know how you feel OP. Has your DH tried Nytol Anti-snoring? It has some good reviews on the Boots web site.

sykadelic Sat 05-Apr-14 17:12:42

My husband and I are quite the pair. He has bad hearing and I snore. You'd think that means he slept great, no, my snoring IS that bad. Girls don't like to admit it because it's not "ladylike" but it's not my fault. It's something I have no control over (like having hazel eyes).

I was diagnosed with sleep apnea about 10 years ago but simply told to lose weight and have my tonsils removed. I was rediagnosed in October 2013 after my husband was spending more and more time on the couch... and it was meeting with that sleep doctor that made me cry.

It made me cry because he told me things I wish I'd been told years ago, the main one being, sleep apnea CAUSES weight gain. This "lose weight" nonsense, dieting and having nothing happen. Basically having people blame me for gaining weight, for being lazy (no energy 'cause you're always tired), for many other things that just simply aren't my fault.

So I now have a CPAP machine and while wearing it, I no longer snore. My husband sleeps in our bed and it's a bit of a process but I'm slowly gaining more and more energy.

Please don't blame your husband for this. Don't be angry with him without first giving him a chance to fix it. Tell him you're really tired that he needs to see a doctor and get tested and if he doesn't have sleep apnea, it's STILL not his fault he snores and maybe there are other solutions (nose strips, nasal sprays etc).

Trust me when I say he will appreciate you telling him that you want HIM to sleep better as much as yourself. He probably, like me, doesn't realise how much sleep he's missing out on until he starts to get better sleep.

Sorry this is so long but sleep apnea is often overlooked because people just think snoring is "one of those things" but it can be deadly. It's important you get him checked out.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Sat 05-Apr-14 15:37:39

Yes to all of the advice so far. balenciaga, you are suffering from sleep deprivation. You really need to look after yourself at the end of the day and make the change to make sleep possible. Have separate bedrooms. There is no shame in it even though it is something folks just don't discuss.

My dn denied it for years until out teenage son pretended to sleep with snoring on our driveway one afternoon and our toddler ran up to him saying "Daddy! Daddy!". He went to the gp and was advised to loose weight. He did but still snores on the Richter scale.

Good luck and hope you can get a power nap.

daisychain01 Sat 05-Apr-14 15:33:21

And just to mention, it is also imoortant to be checked out by the GP, my DP did have some signs of sleep apnoea but for him the GP seems to be happy now that his breathing is controlled by the correct sleeping position and I have noticed his breathing is a lot more steady and regular

daisychain01 Sat 05-Apr-14 15:25:58

Hi balen, I have a snorey DP as well. The main problem is normally down to sleeping position. If the head is too far back, due to not having enough good supporting pillows it causes the throat to constrict and especially if they roll on their back, that is what constricts the airways, and makes the epiglottis rattle. Its a negative for both of you, you cant get a good nights sleep and you will likely find your OHs sleep is not as good quality even though it seems like he is asleep.

What turned things around big-time for us was the unfortunate diagnosis that DP developed a bit of acid reflux, so went to the GP about that. He was recommended a pillow wedge (which goes underneath, and one or two pillows on top) which elevates his sleeping position, stops the reflux and hey presto his snoring was very much improved. No need for invasive surgery or horrid masks and contraptions which feel horrid, I wouldnt want to wear one, so I am happy for DP that he doesnt, although for some people they do work, so Im not completely discounting those if your DP wants to try. DP is really comfortable even though propped up a little more than having 3 pillows, but its a gradual incline, because its a wedge (a bit like the shape of a door stop thin one end thick the other)

Your DP will need to arrange his pillows carefully each evening, so that he starts off sleeping in the correct position. Its important to start the night well, as we find if my DP can get to sleep without starting to snore he is settled for the whole night. I do have the ear plugs by the bedside just in case, I would say i use them about 30% of the time, not 100% any more.

Keeping weight down has a really big impact as well, as does not drinking too much.

I do hope you have good luck with this, it is not funny, its very frustrating and can bring tensions into an otherwise loving relationship. i adore my DP but I can strangle him when he is snoring! X

Balenciaga

He needs to go to the GP and you also need to sit in on that appointment as well. This could be caused by a whole host of serious medical problems, those that Fast Loris cited so medical advice is essential and must be sought.

Also he can forget about sleeping on the sofa as well as doing that will end up giving him back problems. Sofas are not and never have been designed for sleeping on.

MegaClutterSlut Sat 05-Apr-14 15:06:52

you have my sympathy op, I've been sleeping in my 7 yro DD bed for the last 2 month due to DH snoring

joanofarchitrave Sat 05-Apr-14 14:29:39

Stop thinking about 'sleeping in the spare room' (if you have one) and start thinking about 'my lovely bedroom, all mine'! And try not to skimp on the room - try to make it a really nice place for you. And the baby?

He needs to go to his GP but in the meantime just enjoy your sleep in another room. You absolutely do not need unnecessary sources of resentment in your relationship with a new baby on the way. BTW though, be prepared that late in pregnancy you may find yourself stone awake at 4am on a regular basis anyway. However, if you can just turn the light on and read in peace until you are ready to sleep again, what's the stress?

hamptoncourt Sat 05-Apr-14 14:20:51

My XH was a dreadful snorer and it really affected our relationship. Sleep deprivation is an effective form of torture.

Do you have a spare room OP? If not, then you really need to get one. I know it is expensive to have separate bedrooms but I can assure you it is far cheaper than the effects of splitting

I see you have commented that it is "so sad" that a PP said she and her DH had separate bedrooms. I am not quite sure why that is such a big deal to you but surely it would be preferable to never sleeping a full night again or splitting?

Thattimeofyearagain Sat 05-Apr-14 13:17:24

I'm the snorer blush. Google Snorewizard. It works.

jdd Sat 05-Apr-14 13:10:34

Oh and I always sleep with one ear plug in.

jdd Sat 05-Apr-14 13:10:06

I had this problem. DH struggles to breath through his nose which causes him to snore. He went to the doctor's and got a nose spray which has solved the problem.

I sympathise but it is a recognised health problem that he could get help for.

msdiamant Sat 05-Apr-14 13:08:32

I grew up with two snoring parents, roosters singing early morning, dog barking just outside our house talking to other dogs in the area, birds chirping loudly. I hated it so much.

msdiamant Sat 05-Apr-14 13:02:03

Today my DH asked me why did I sleep in the living room. I told him that I kind of suffer in the night instead of relaxing because of his snoring. I wear earplugs but it can be really loud and even his breathing can be very loud which annoys me. I feel very tired and thus irritable. So I do understand how you feel. I think you should sleep in the spare room. I don't think it will damage your relationship. It will probably will make him think of his problem. It can also be genetic. My F in law snores like hell. Even his son has to wake him up. But while I can wake my dh up as he doesn't mind I cannot fall asleep immediately and by the time I am ready to drift off he starts again and I just want to kick him. So I think this night I will again end up on the sofa. I had to move after 4am as this usually starts in the 2nd half of the night. I will be reading this thread for the solutions. Good luck OP. May be your DH could move into the spare room. Mine will not. He likes comfort of the bed. Selfish, I know.

Hassled Sat 05-Apr-14 12:57:39

Agree that you need to talk to the GP - you're right that it will be more of a nightmare when the baby's here.

In DH's case weightloss, giving up alcohol, sleep clinics, trips to ENT people etc all did nothing and what has saved our marriage is separate bedrooms.

Nomama Sat 05-Apr-14 12:53:55

Oh don't think I mind. I like the comfort of my own bed.

He works odd hours and for much of the time has worked away for days and weeks on end. I have no problem with it. It came as a relief to both of us when we finally made up our minds.

And visiting hours are very reasonable smile

FastLoris Sat 05-Apr-14 12:32:58

balenciaga - I have a huge amount of experience of this, as a husband myself who snores for the olympics. For some reason it seems to affect men much more than women. My dad snored so loud they wouldn't LET him in the olympics - just to give all the other snorers a chance!

So: The first, most important thing of all is that you MUST, absolutely MUST start seeing this as what it is: a MEDICAL problem that is nobody's fault, but just exists, and needs to be managed for everybody's satisfaction and sanity if your relationship is to continue. It's not his fault he snores, so it doesn't make sense to lie there getting angry at him for it. It's not your fault either that you need to sleep each night, like any other human - so it doesn't make sense either to keep things in such a way that you are prevented from doing that.

He needs to do what he can to address the problem. You need to insist on your need to sleep and arrange things so that can happen. To tiptoe around it for fear of hurting his feelings is ridiculous and counterproductive. You wouldn't do that if one of you had a disability that meant you couldn't walk around the house properly, or if one of you had a chronic allergy that meant you couldn't eat certain things - you'd just accept that that's your particular health issue and deal with it. So why do it with this?

Now, some of the issues involved in addressing it:

1. First step GP. They probably will want to test him for sleep apnea, if it's that serious. They did that with me but I didn't have it. But regardless of the snoring, bear in mind that sleep apnea can be FATAL. So again, it's really wrong to avoid addressing it, both for you and (especially) for him.

2. Some problems can be addressed by wearing a mouthpiece during the night that changes the position of the jaw and opens up the airway. I had that for a while, it worked pretty well most of the time for a few years, then stopped being working.

3. You can also have surgery that literally scrapes away some of the soft pallatte, making the opening bigger and less flexible (so that it doesn't collapse as easily). I had that and it was EXTREMELY effective, COMPLETELY curing my snoring - for a few years, then it stopped working. I have however put on a bit of weight in that time, which may have been what compromised it (although they do say that the effects can wear off anyway).

4. You may have to move to separate bedrooms (as we finally ended up doing). It's very important to realise that this is just a PRACTICAL solution to a PRACTICAL problem, and not read all kind of stuff into it about how it means you don't have a "proper" marriage or something. You can still love each other. You can still have sex. You just need to sleep separately. If your marriage and family life is working and you're both happy with everything else (as we are) then there's no reason you can't accommodate such a change.

Please, just look at this a simple health problem that either needs to be cured, or managed if it can't be cured. It affects a HUGE number of couples. It's noone's fault, and it doesn't MEAN anything. It just is.

Sort it out, and get a good night's sleep, for you and your baby.

balenciaga Sat 05-Apr-14 12:28:42

oh nomama that's sad sad (that you have had separate rooms)

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