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dh snoring is really ruining our relationship

(37 Posts)
balenciaga Sat 05-Apr-14 11:07:27

I know it sounds funny but it isn't

I am 9 months preg and for last few months have barely slept cos of his snoring. obviously me being preg is not helping either but I just feel pure rage when I am laying there wide awake and look across to him fast asleep snoring his head off, oblivious, blissfully asleep when I could cry with lack of sleep

I poke him which stops it for a bit it goes quieter but then gradually just goes louder again

it used to be if he slept on his side it didn't happen but it happens all the time now. he has offered to sleep on the sofa so last few weeks he has, but that makes me sad

one of the reasons he split with his ex before me is that apparently she used to make him sleep on the sofa for months before they split up, but his story was that it was cos they weren't getting on hmm more like she was having the same problem as me !!

he is not fat but possibly slightly overweight which I don't think helps but wtf am I meant to say, I cant say anything sad

if its like this after the babys born its really gonna cause problems!!

help please sad

Has he tried to do anything about it?

Pink01 Sat 05-Apr-14 11:12:25

When you say you 'can't say anything' do you mean about the snoring, or about being overweight?

SirChenjin Sat 05-Apr-14 11:12:30

Sympathies - it's horrendous. DH's snoring used to be so loud you could hear it outside in the street and it would cause the bed to shake - awful. There are a few things your DH could try, but has he been to the GP to rule out apnoea (which DH has)? It's an incredibly serious but under-diagnosed problem.

balenciaga Sat 05-Apr-14 11:17:44

no nothing lady

and pink I cant say anything re that it poss may be cos of his weight, as it would hurt his feelings

and sirchenjin bloody hell how awful for you. how did your dh get sorted then? tbh its not occurred to him or me to go to gp

Lovingfreedom Sat 05-Apr-14 11:18:06

I read recently that playing the digeridoo can help.

Smartiepants79 Sat 05-Apr-14 11:22:23

Sod his feelings. He'll be more hurt when you're leaving cos you can't stand it any more.
My DH snores terribly and it is the number one cause of friction. I could happily murder him some nights.
Get him to the doctor. There are things that can be done.
My DH uses those breathe right nose strips to open his nasal passages up and they have made a lot of difference.
He must do something about it. Your resentment and anger will only increase when there is a baby in the mix. For now he can sleep downstairs. Your rest is much more important.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 05-Apr-14 11:22:42

he should go to the GP, they may well be able to help

EdithWeston Sat 05-Apr-14 11:41:54

He needs to go to the GP to see if there is anything that can be done medically.

And you need to ask him to go into the spare room or onto the sofa from time to time so you get a bit of unbroken sleep. Not that that helps if he reaches such a volume that you can hear him from the bedroom and he's not within proddable reach [voice of experience]

SirChenjin Sat 05-Apr-14 11:43:44

DH went to the GP who referred him to the sleep clinic, and they diagnosed apnoea. He's got a cpap machine now - brilliant invention. DH's health was really suffering - high blood pressure, falling asleep all the time, type 2 diabetes.

I'd really recommend a trip to the GP - they will be able to suggest aids and will be able rule out anything more serious before you kill him or leave him.

balenciaga Sat 05-Apr-14 11:46:43

thanks sir will deffo suggest

and loving yes I heard that too think was on holby city? lol. (re didgeridoo)

Nomama Sat 05-Apr-14 12:14:12

Mine is an horrendous snorer too. Sleep apnoea diagnosed and palate trimmed, that helped but weight gain increased the snoring.

We have had separate rooms for almost all of our 25 years of married life. Oh, he also sleeps diagonally in the bed all spread out like a starfish, with the quilt pulled up over his head and his feet sticking out. It is impossible to sleep with that little list.

I'd say GPs too. You never know he may get a 'cure'.

balenciaga Sat 05-Apr-14 12:28:42

oh nomama that's sad sad (that you have had separate rooms)

FastLoris Sat 05-Apr-14 12:32:58

balenciaga - I have a huge amount of experience of this, as a husband myself who snores for the olympics. For some reason it seems to affect men much more than women. My dad snored so loud they wouldn't LET him in the olympics - just to give all the other snorers a chance!

So: The first, most important thing of all is that you MUST, absolutely MUST start seeing this as what it is: a MEDICAL problem that is nobody's fault, but just exists, and needs to be managed for everybody's satisfaction and sanity if your relationship is to continue. It's not his fault he snores, so it doesn't make sense to lie there getting angry at him for it. It's not your fault either that you need to sleep each night, like any other human - so it doesn't make sense either to keep things in such a way that you are prevented from doing that.

He needs to do what he can to address the problem. You need to insist on your need to sleep and arrange things so that can happen. To tiptoe around it for fear of hurting his feelings is ridiculous and counterproductive. You wouldn't do that if one of you had a disability that meant you couldn't walk around the house properly, or if one of you had a chronic allergy that meant you couldn't eat certain things - you'd just accept that that's your particular health issue and deal with it. So why do it with this?

Now, some of the issues involved in addressing it:

1. First step GP. They probably will want to test him for sleep apnea, if it's that serious. They did that with me but I didn't have it. But regardless of the snoring, bear in mind that sleep apnea can be FATAL. So again, it's really wrong to avoid addressing it, both for you and (especially) for him.

2. Some problems can be addressed by wearing a mouthpiece during the night that changes the position of the jaw and opens up the airway. I had that for a while, it worked pretty well most of the time for a few years, then stopped being working.

3. You can also have surgery that literally scrapes away some of the soft pallatte, making the opening bigger and less flexible (so that it doesn't collapse as easily). I had that and it was EXTREMELY effective, COMPLETELY curing my snoring - for a few years, then it stopped working. I have however put on a bit of weight in that time, which may have been what compromised it (although they do say that the effects can wear off anyway).

4. You may have to move to separate bedrooms (as we finally ended up doing). It's very important to realise that this is just a PRACTICAL solution to a PRACTICAL problem, and not read all kind of stuff into it about how it means you don't have a "proper" marriage or something. You can still love each other. You can still have sex. You just need to sleep separately. If your marriage and family life is working and you're both happy with everything else (as we are) then there's no reason you can't accommodate such a change.

Please, just look at this a simple health problem that either needs to be cured, or managed if it can't be cured. It affects a HUGE number of couples. It's noone's fault, and it doesn't MEAN anything. It just is.

Sort it out, and get a good night's sleep, for you and your baby.

Nomama Sat 05-Apr-14 12:53:55

Oh don't think I mind. I like the comfort of my own bed.

He works odd hours and for much of the time has worked away for days and weeks on end. I have no problem with it. It came as a relief to both of us when we finally made up our minds.

And visiting hours are very reasonable smile

Hassled Sat 05-Apr-14 12:57:39

Agree that you need to talk to the GP - you're right that it will be more of a nightmare when the baby's here.

In DH's case weightloss, giving up alcohol, sleep clinics, trips to ENT people etc all did nothing and what has saved our marriage is separate bedrooms.

msdiamant Sat 05-Apr-14 13:02:03

Today my DH asked me why did I sleep in the living room. I told him that I kind of suffer in the night instead of relaxing because of his snoring. I wear earplugs but it can be really loud and even his breathing can be very loud which annoys me. I feel very tired and thus irritable. So I do understand how you feel. I think you should sleep in the spare room. I don't think it will damage your relationship. It will probably will make him think of his problem. It can also be genetic. My F in law snores like hell. Even his son has to wake him up. But while I can wake my dh up as he doesn't mind I cannot fall asleep immediately and by the time I am ready to drift off he starts again and I just want to kick him. So I think this night I will again end up on the sofa. I had to move after 4am as this usually starts in the 2nd half of the night. I will be reading this thread for the solutions. Good luck OP. May be your DH could move into the spare room. Mine will not. He likes comfort of the bed. Selfish, I know.

msdiamant Sat 05-Apr-14 13:08:32

I grew up with two snoring parents, roosters singing early morning, dog barking just outside our house talking to other dogs in the area, birds chirping loudly. I hated it so much.

jdd Sat 05-Apr-14 13:10:06

I had this problem. DH struggles to breath through his nose which causes him to snore. He went to the doctor's and got a nose spray which has solved the problem.

I sympathise but it is a recognised health problem that he could get help for.

jdd Sat 05-Apr-14 13:10:34

Oh and I always sleep with one ear plug in.

Thattimeofyearagain Sat 05-Apr-14 13:17:24

I'm the snorer blush. Google Snorewizard. It works.

hamptoncourt Sat 05-Apr-14 14:20:51

My XH was a dreadful snorer and it really affected our relationship. Sleep deprivation is an effective form of torture.

Do you have a spare room OP? If not, then you really need to get one. I know it is expensive to have separate bedrooms but I can assure you it is far cheaper than the effects of splitting

I see you have commented that it is "so sad" that a PP said she and her DH had separate bedrooms. I am not quite sure why that is such a big deal to you but surely it would be preferable to never sleeping a full night again or splitting?

joanofarchitrave Sat 05-Apr-14 14:29:39

Stop thinking about 'sleeping in the spare room' (if you have one) and start thinking about 'my lovely bedroom, all mine'! And try not to skimp on the room - try to make it a really nice place for you. And the baby?

He needs to go to his GP but in the meantime just enjoy your sleep in another room. You absolutely do not need unnecessary sources of resentment in your relationship with a new baby on the way. BTW though, be prepared that late in pregnancy you may find yourself stone awake at 4am on a regular basis anyway. However, if you can just turn the light on and read in peace until you are ready to sleep again, what's the stress?

MegaClutterSlut Sat 05-Apr-14 15:06:52

you have my sympathy op, I've been sleeping in my 7 yro DD bed for the last 2 month due to DH snoring

Balenciaga

He needs to go to the GP and you also need to sit in on that appointment as well. This could be caused by a whole host of serious medical problems, those that Fast Loris cited so medical advice is essential and must be sought.

Also he can forget about sleeping on the sofa as well as doing that will end up giving him back problems. Sofas are not and never have been designed for sleeping on.

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