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He broke off our engagement - feel so worthless

(74 Posts)
georgiestears Sat 05-Apr-14 10:40:58

I am not sure what I am looking for here because I am sure all the answers will be the obvious ones "better to find out now" and "he did the right thing" but I do know all that.

I just want to somehow find a way to not feel so worthless inside myself.

My Fiance broke off our engagement a few weeks ago. He just decided he didn't want to marry me and there's no one else involved. I am not looking to analyse his reasons for what he did because I've done that to death. The simple answer was that he just did not want me anymore.

The thing that I am struggling with is that this guy really worked to break down my walls. I didn't want to get married when I met him having been hurt in the past and I was happy on my own. He really worked hard to get me to let him into my life and to trust him.

After a couple of years he really won me over and for the first time in my life I really felt like I trusted a man and like I was with someone who really loved me for myself. He proposed and things were all great as far as I knew.

Then he dropped this on me about 8 months after he proposed. He just told me that certain things about me that he thought were quirky were actually annoying (stuff he'd said he thought was cute) and he said he just stopped feeling the rush of excitement about me.

He was pretty cold and clinical about it and didn't really even want to talk about it.

All I want to do is to know how to feel better inside because I can't stop thinking that I gave him everything I was and he told me he loved every bit of me and then just changed his mind.

The quirks about me that he'd always said made me "me" and were sexy and adorable he turned on me as reasons for not loving me and I now feel like I couldn't ever be myself with someone else.

Do you think there's a chance that there is just something really wrong with me? Like maybe that if people get to know me well enough they don't like me anymore?

He knew this was always my greatest fear when we met because my previous love did something similar. I hate that he was capable of delivering my worst fear to me. I never asked him to chase after me or to propose and can;t understand why he did it just to reject me.

I feel like nothing....

Lweji Sat 05-Apr-14 10:49:30

he said he just stopped feeling the rush of excitement about me.

When men tell you who they are, listen to them.

It looks like the thrill of the chase wore off.

If anything, there is something wrong with him, not you.

Lweji Sat 05-Apr-14 10:49:52

Oh, and so sorry. sad

morley19 Sat 05-Apr-14 10:49:56

If you don't mind telling what are these 'quirks?' X

YokoUhOh Sat 05-Apr-14 10:51:11

Hi OP, it sounds like you had reservations about him in the first instance... Why did it take him two years to convince you that you should be together?

It seems like a case of 'thrill of the chase' - he wanted what he couldn't have. What you can be sure of is that you are not at fault, and he has massive issues.

goshhhhhh Sat 05-Apr-14 10:52:09

agree with Lweji. You were a game to him. The upside is you know that you can love & you will in future.

YokoUhOh Sat 05-Apr-14 10:52:29

Sorry lweji - x-post

Lweji Sat 05-Apr-14 10:52:31

In fact, when we have our walls up, beware of those who try to break them down.
Good men will respect your walls, abusers will often try to break them, because they don't respect your boundaries.

In fact, if you are more open, you may be less likely to meet this sort of men, because you will open yourself for the good guys.
But, obviously, don't rush into a relationship now. Take your time to heal.

Lweji Sat 05-Apr-14 10:53:25

YokoUhOh
Great minds, and all that... smile

BumPotato Sat 05-Apr-14 10:54:51

It's not you, it's him. You've had a lucky escape, IMO.

Hissy Sat 05-Apr-14 10:56:02

I think, strangely enough, you have been done an almighty favour. He sounds calculating, controlling and manipulative.

Enough about him. He's not important here, you are!

My poor love! You must be feeling just beyond terrible! Hoping that you have recovered a little from the shock over the last couple of weeks, and that soon your feelings will turn toward those that help you to heal.

For me, the way you describe it, it was as though it you presented a challenge to him, and once he'd achieved that, he had nowhere to go.

That's HIS baggage/issue/fault there, not yours! HE clearly has the issues.

Your idiosyncrasies are what makes you YOU, they are you, they are part of you and those that love you will love them, because they are you

How dare he waste your time! How dare he treat you so callously!

Please don't ever fall into the trap of crawling back to him, which is probably what his ego craves, if you do that, he'll hurt you again, and much worse. Much much worse.

(((hug)))

Hissy Sat 05-Apr-14 10:57:28

Ooh! A general consensus then? smile

georgiestears Sat 05-Apr-14 11:01:25

He called them quirks but basically I have a few phobias that he said he thought were cute. For example I am scared of taking medication and tended to think I had a brain tumour if I had a headache. I can understand that would be annoying, but it was me and it was hard for me to open up about that stuff to him because I never told anyone else. He said he thought it was sweet and then used it on me as a reason not to love me.

I know that makes me sound like a complete pain to be around, but it wasn't like that. You'd only really know about it a small percentage of the time and it wasn't every day or even every week. Just sometimes.

I didn't have reservations about him, I just had reservations about letting anyone in. I had a few wobbles at the start with trusting but he heaped reassurance onto me for so long that I eventually gave myself up to being completely loved for who I was.

Lweji Sat 05-Apr-14 11:03:02

I also wonder about this: He just told me that certain things about me that he thought were quirky were actually annoying

I think they annoyed him from the start, and by classifying them as quirky, he was actually telling you that they were not ok for him. He was trying to make you feel awkward about those things, not normal. That he was so great for accepting you, with those things, and make you feel grateful to him. It ends up with you now wondering what is wrong with you, not him.
It is still his issues, nothing wrong with you.

I think you are really lucky that you haven't married him. I have a strong suspicion that he would end up abusing you, knock down your confidence and bend over backwards to please him.

I also suspect he has found another challenge for him.

Pleasejustgo Sat 05-Apr-14 11:05:14

I'm sorry but what an absolute arse.

This may sound a bit cold but now that the worst has happened and you know that you are ok and will continue to be ok, you actually have a lot more power (self empowerment if you will) for when you meet someone more deserving of you.

I just want to say again, what an absolute arse.

NearTheWindymill Sat 05-Apr-14 11:05:55

You aren't worthless. He's been duplicitous and disingenuous but he has given you the gift of freedom to find your prince. You kissed a frog this time, go and have some fun looking for Princes - one will come along. Remember men and buses have one thing in common - another will be along soon so never ever run after one - it isn't worth it and this one certainly isn't. He was a 66 to misery.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 05-Apr-14 11:06:24

Sweetheart, they are excuses, we all have little quirks, theres nothing wrong with you.

Him however.........well hes just a complete cock.

I think you have dodged a huge bullet.

Lweji Sat 05-Apr-14 11:06:49

A phobia about your health is not sweet. It was something he should have been supportive of. Not call it sweet. hmm WTF.

I think you should look onto relationship red flags before you allow another man into your life.

Pleasejustgo Sat 05-Apr-14 11:07:15

Oh and I'm a bit of a big girls blouse when it comes to things like headaches and such too grin

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 05-Apr-14 11:09:05

He sounds like a patronizing fuck actually........verging in the controlling man territory.

Allofaflumble Sat 05-Apr-14 11:10:39

He really is not worthy of you. Sounds like he has psychological problems that have nothing to do with you, mixed in with a touch of sadism.

I know it sounds trite that you have had a lucky escape but I bet its true.
(There is nothing wrong with you, you have just met an unpleasant individual, something we have in common).x

georgiestears Sat 05-Apr-14 11:11:41

The thing that hurt me a lot Lweji was that I said to him "me having a phobia is something I can treat and something I could have gotten help with" and he said "but you never did, did you".

I don't know why that hurt so much but I just wish he'd told me he thought I needed help. Maybe I would have got help but he kept saying it wasn't a big deal.

I did know it was an issue sometimes (if I got stressed I would sometimes have a two week period of being edgy and worried) but I wasn't incredibly anxious or anything -just a bit nervy and worried.

I did buy a self help book on it and tried to read it with him at bedtime but he was bored and kept trying to take my pajamas off instead. I know that isn't a normal response to a loving partner who needs help but at the time I thought "wow he finds me so sexy" and took it as a compliment.

Inertia Sat 05-Apr-14 11:13:21

Sorry that this has happened.

Agree with the previous posters- I think he did this because you had tried to put boundaries around yourself, to try to protect yourself. He sounds callous and manipulative. People like this seem to have some kind of detector which allows them to prey on particular vulnerabilities.

And I hate to be the one that says it, but with such a sudden change of attitude he might well be lying about nobody else being involved.

One thing that stands out to me is that both you and he saw fit to allow him to make judgements and pronouncements about aspects of you and your personality. When he decided that these traits were cute or quirky then all was dandy; when he deemed that was no longer the case, he got to punish you for it. Somebody that truly loved you would see and love you as a whole person, not just a collection of characteristics to be judged on.

There's nothing wrong with you at all - he just knew that this would be the way to hurt you most , and absolve himself of any blame, when he decided he wanted out.

Lweji Sat 05-Apr-14 11:13:59

It's good to see you starting to see him more clearly for what he is. smile

That really isn't the response of a normal loving partner.

Notafixer Sat 05-Apr-14 11:15:01

But isn't that true, you could and perhaps should have sought help? It is exhausting to be with someone who needs help and doesn't seek it. To be clear I think he is in the wrong too for minimising your problems and calling a phobia "sweet" FFS.

It sounds like him breaking of this engagement is a fantastic opportunity for you. You sound quite young OP, you have plenty of time to learn about healthy relationships and find someone better for you.

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