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I think it's over

(30 Posts)
GoldieBear Sat 05-Apr-14 05:29:03

Dp has left, he turned up angry again. Angry at me because I didn't answer my phone, must have not had signal upstairs and so it never rang. This is the third time he's done this. Got very drunk and said very hurtful things. We don't live together but have spoke lots about it. He has a ds (who he's left with his mum) my DCs are upstairs in bed.
He was banging on the door at 4:20am accusing me of cheating.
I haven't and would never cheat on him.
I'm scared this will get worse if i don't finish it now. He's never hit me and I don't think he would but I know this isn't right.
When he hasn't gone out on a drinking bender he's so different. Idolises me, brilliant with the children, we talk lots of having a baby together.
I don't know what to do. He's said many times he doesn't trust me and I thought I could show him eventually that he could.
We've been together a year. All our friends and family like each other.
When he's sobered up before he's apologised, said it wouldn't happen again. I think it's different this time though. I love him so much and just hope he changes.

But do people change?

Sorry if that's harsh. I have been a child in a domestic violence house, he wasn't even my dad! Step dad.

Please pick the welfare of your children before a 'relationship' with this man. End it now. Do not damage their future, they are innocent. They have no choice about the situation but YOU DO.

GoldieBear Sat 05-Apr-14 13:11:07

Just spoke to my DB, not sure if I feel better or not.
Not heard anything for P
Why is it so hard?
Logically I know it's not a relationship.

How do I ever move on and stop finding myself with arseholes?

I know if I wrote down everything you'd all be in shouty capitals at me.

Thank you everyone

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sat 05-Apr-14 10:11:39

Protect your children. He turned up at their house drunk and ranting in the middle if the night. He could have woken them up and they would have been scared, upset, confused, traumatised. That is enough! Protect your children from him.
And to answer your question - abusive alcoholics rarely change. He might be able to kick the alcohol with a LOT of work (from him, not you) but he won't stop being abusive, and you CANNOT help him change. Forget that idea, not happening. You can't sacrifice your kids at the alter of his selfishness and addiction.

sarahquilt Sat 05-Apr-14 10:06:57

People don't change. Listen to what your gut is telling you. You'd want your head read to have a baby with him.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Sat 05-Apr-14 09:27:19

I'm so scared that this is it and I'll be miserable without him.

You're miserable with him. You may be initially a bit miserable without him, but as you feel the tension and stress and fear of his behaviour leave, you'll feel better. And both you and your DCs will be safer.

GoldieBear Sat 05-Apr-14 09:20:23

Whocansay. That's exactly right, he doesn't trust anyone.

This is helping

I'm still dreading the weekend

DCs are going to their dads this afternoon till tomorrow. Think I might take myself off for some space

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 05-Apr-14 09:19:54

I think it's over

I hope so OP.

Whocansay Sat 05-Apr-14 08:57:49

Is this really the kind of man you want around your children? Sorry is just a word that is convenient for him to use after he's behaved badly. It hasn't stopped his behaviour. He knows he can say sorry and you'll forgive him.

I would also suggest he may be projecting with the jealousy thing. Cheaters generally don't have any trust because they are not trustworthy. And they believe everyone to be like them.

What is there to love about such a man, do you want to rescue and or save him or just as bad think that you see "potential" in him. Those images in your head needs to be expunged as of now.

He is indeed a prize arse and you need to be rid of such a person now before he drags you down further with him into his pit.

You've only been together a year and in that time he has turned up at yours angry more than, accuses you of cheating and tells you that he does not trust you. This is really no relationship at all.

Such men do not change and love is often not enough. I doubt very much that he even knows the meaning of the word.

Monetbyhimself Sat 05-Apr-14 08:13:08

Look into your future, 5 years from now when you perhaps have a toddler and a newborn . And he's screaming in your face whilst you cower in a corner and your lids sitvon the stairs covering their ears while mummy tries to placate this man.

You have no reason to stay. You and your kids deserve so much better. Din't condemn them ir you to a life with someone who 'has' to drink everyday. He is most likely an alcoholic. Walk away. Today.

ohnothewoodchip Sat 05-Apr-14 08:06:14

Maybe block his number and don't give him the chance to apologise then. It sounds like you've already spoken about all these problems, and he doesn't see a reason to change if he doesn't trust you. I would just tell him it's over, and not to contact me or my family/friends again for any reason.

I think, once he's gone, you'll feel so much better without having to prove you can be trusted that you'll be fine.

GoldieBear Sat 05-Apr-14 07:59:03

I will leave it. I know it's the right thing to do but I'm heartbroken and don't know that I'm strong enough not to just take him back if he says he's sorry. How do I do that?

mammadiggingdeep Sat 05-Apr-14 07:47:30

Look, he was banging on the door at 4.20am, drunk.

That's all the info you need. You had dc in bed. You were in bed.

Do you want this level of drama in your life? More importantly your children's lives?

He drinks every day- huge red flag.
Accuses you of cheating- huge red flag...

I could go on but I'm sure you know how many red flags there are wildly flapping around him.

Look after yourself and dc...leave the relationship. People do not change.

antimatter Sat 05-Apr-14 06:46:57

He is giving you excuses for his excessive drinking.
Please keep away from a partner like that.

It will save you a lot of heartache n long run.

8isalotoflegsDavid Sat 05-Apr-14 05:50:03

And you've only been together a year, which is no time at all really. If he's treating you like this already there is no hope for the long term, honestly. End it now, while it's still easy.

8isalotoflegsDavid Sat 05-Apr-14 05:48:52

Drinking every day is never in anyone's line of work unless they want it to be. Certain jobs have more of a drinking culture attached to them than others, it's true, but it's no excuse whatsoever for vile drunken behaviour at home.

GoldieBear Sat 05-Apr-14 05:46:59

Shit I can't stop crying now. Dd is in my bed, I'm dreading the morning

Cinnamon2013 Sat 05-Apr-14 05:46:55

And if you need a nudge, read about how the children of alcoholics are affected by the experience - the partners they choose, own addictions etc. It is pretty shocking. I grew up with one (my dad) - you notice when your mum is unsettled and anxious , it impacts quite deeply

Cinnamon2013 Sat 05-Apr-14 05:43:23

Sorry loads of typos, on phone... I meant damage that is done. I hope you have friends in real life you can turn to, if do now is the time to use them. Yes, your Dcs might be upset but you'll know thst as a mum you need to act in their best interests even if they don't like your decisions

GoldieBear Sat 05-Apr-14 05:43:14

He drinks every day. I don't want to out myself but it's in his line of work

8isalotoflegsDavid Sat 05-Apr-14 05:41:46

But do people change?

Yes, men like this usually change. They usually get much, much, much, worse once you live together and are saddled with their child.

Why do you want to have a baby with a man who says openly that he doesn't trust you, and regularly gets aggressive and verbally abusive with drink?

Seriously, why?

You already have one lot of children who do not live with their father. Do you really want to repeat the process?

GoldieBear Sat 05-Apr-14 05:41:25

Thank you. Seeing someone else say it helps.
I never thought I'd be on here writing this

Cinnamon2013 Sat 05-Apr-14 05:40:48

You need to look after yourself and your Dcs (from your post I think you know that) and that means leaving him. And not going back. This is abuse and him being nice even he's sober doesn't fix things - because him bring drunk is part of your life too and the damage that is gone the. Can never be 'undone' - it will cause psychological changes to you, create anxiety and fear (however strong you are). He can't kiss thst better - it just shouldn't be happening

antimatter Sat 05-Apr-14 05:40:10

He may change but again - he may not....

Decision is yours - he is jealous and can't control his drinking habits. How often does he drink?

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