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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I think it's over

29 replies

GoldieBear · 05/04/2014 05:29

Dp has left, he turned up angry again. Angry at me because I didn't answer my phone, must have not had signal upstairs and so it never rang. This is the third time he's done this. Got very drunk and said very hurtful things. We don't live together but have spoke lots about it. He has a ds (who he's left with his mum) my DCs are upstairs in bed.
He was banging on the door at 4:20am accusing me of cheating.
I haven't and would never cheat on him.
I'm scared this will get worse if i don't finish it now. He's never hit me and I don't think he would but I know this isn't right.
When he hasn't gone out on a drinking bender he's so different. Idolises me, brilliant with the children, we talk lots of having a baby together.
I don't know what to do. He's said many times he doesn't trust me and I thought I could show him eventually that he could.
We've been together a year. All our friends and family like each other.
When he's sobered up before he's apologised, said it wouldn't happen again. I think it's different this time though. I love him so much and just hope he changes.

But do people change?

OP posts:

Report

JeanSeberg · 05/04/2014 05:31

He sounds like a prize (abusive) arsehole. For god's sake don't take him back.

neiljames77 · 05/04/2014 05:34

I'm afraid people don't change. It sounds like it's in his nature to behave like this.

GoldieBear · 05/04/2014 05:36

How have I let myself get like this? I'm so scared that this is it and I'll be miserable without him.
The DCs will be gutted

OP posts:

Spellcheck · 05/04/2014 05:36

When he's sober he is everything you want in a man. When he's been drinking he's showing you who he really is.

This is not going to get better. You owe it to your DC to cut loose immediately.

I'm so sorry.

antimatter · 05/04/2014 05:40

He may change but again - he may not....

Decision is yours - he is jealous and can't control his drinking habits. How often does he drink?

Cinnamon2013 · 05/04/2014 05:40

You need to look after yourself and your Dcs (from your post I think you know that) and that means leaving him. And not going back. This is abuse and him being nice even he's sober doesn't fix things - because him bring drunk is part of your life too and the damage that is gone the. Can never be 'undone' - it will cause psychological changes to you, create anxiety and fear (however strong you are). He can't kiss thst better - it just shouldn't be happening

GoldieBear · 05/04/2014 05:41

Thank you. Seeing someone else say it helps.
I never thought I'd be on here writing this

OP posts:

8isalotoflegsDavid · 05/04/2014 05:41

But do people change?

Yes, men like this usually change. They usually get much, much, much, worse once you live together and are saddled with their child.

Why do you want to have a baby with a man who says openly that he doesn't trust you, and regularly gets aggressive and verbally abusive with drink?

Seriously, why?

You already have one lot of children who do not live with their father. Do you really want to repeat the process?

GoldieBear · 05/04/2014 05:43

He drinks every day. I don't want to out myself but it's in his line of work

OP posts:

Cinnamon2013 · 05/04/2014 05:43

Sorry loads of typos, on phone... I meant damage that is done. I hope you have friends in real life you can turn to, if do now is the time to use them. Yes, your Dcs might be upset but you'll know thst as a mum you need to act in their best interests even if they don't like your decisions

Cinnamon2013 · 05/04/2014 05:46

And if you need a nudge, read about how the children of alcoholics are affected by the experience - the partners they choose, own addictions etc. It is pretty shocking. I grew up with one (my dad) - you notice when your mum is unsettled and anxious , it impacts quite deeply

GoldieBear · 05/04/2014 05:46

Shit I can't stop crying now. Dd is in my bed, I'm dreading the morning

OP posts:

8isalotoflegsDavid · 05/04/2014 05:48

Drinking every day is never in anyone's line of work unless they want it to be. Certain jobs have more of a drinking culture attached to them than others, it's true, but it's no excuse whatsoever for vile drunken behaviour at home.

8isalotoflegsDavid · 05/04/2014 05:50

And you've only been together a year, which is no time at all really. If he's treating you like this already there is no hope for the long term, honestly. End it now, while it's still easy.

antimatter · 05/04/2014 06:46

He is giving you excuses for his excessive drinking.
Please keep away from a partner like that.

It will save you a lot of heartache n long run.

mammadiggingdeep · 05/04/2014 07:47

Look, he was banging on the door at 4.20am, drunk.

That's all the info you need. You had dc in bed. You were in bed.

Do you want this level of drama in your life? More importantly your children's lives?

He drinks every day- huge red flag.
Accuses you of cheating- huge red flag...

I could go on but I'm sure you know how many red flags there are wildly flapping around him.

Look after yourself and dc...leave the relationship. People do not change.

GoldieBear · 05/04/2014 07:59

I will leave it. I know it's the right thing to do but I'm heartbroken and don't know that I'm strong enough not to just take him back if he says he's sorry. How do I do that?

OP posts:

ohnothewoodchip · 05/04/2014 08:06

Maybe block his number and don't give him the chance to apologise then. It sounds like you've already spoken about all these problems, and he doesn't see a reason to change if he doesn't trust you. I would just tell him it's over, and not to contact me or my family/friends again for any reason.

I think, once he's gone, you'll feel so much better without having to prove you can be trusted that you'll be fine.

Monetbyhimself · 05/04/2014 08:13

Look into your future, 5 years from now when you perhaps have a toddler and a newborn . And he's screaming in your face whilst you cower in a corner and your lids sitvon the stairs covering their ears while mummy tries to placate this man.

You have no reason to stay. You and your kids deserve so much better. Din't condemn them ir you to a life with someone who 'has' to drink everyday. He is most likely an alcoholic. Walk away. Today.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/04/2014 08:24

What is there to love about such a man, do you want to rescue and or save him or just as bad think that you see "potential" in him. Those images in your head needs to be expunged as of now.

He is indeed a prize arse and you need to be rid of such a person now before he drags you down further with him into his pit.

You've only been together a year and in that time he has turned up at yours angry more than, accuses you of cheating and tells you that he does not trust you. This is really no relationship at all.

Such men do not change and love is often not enough. I doubt very much that he even knows the meaning of the word.

Whocansay · 05/04/2014 08:57

Is this really the kind of man you want around your children? Sorry is just a word that is convenient for him to use after he's behaved badly. It hasn't stopped his behaviour. He knows he can say sorry and you'll forgive him.

I would also suggest he may be projecting with the jealousy thing. Cheaters generally don't have any trust because they are not trustworthy. And they believe everyone to be like them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/04/2014 09:19

I think it's over

I hope so OP.

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GoldieBear · 05/04/2014 09:20

Whocansay. That's exactly right, he doesn't trust anyone.

This is helping

I'm still dreading the weekend

DCs are going to their dads this afternoon till tomorrow. Think I might take myself off for some space

OP posts:

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 05/04/2014 09:27

I'm so scared that this is it and I'll be miserable without him.

You're miserable with him. You may be initially a bit miserable without him, but as you feel the tension and stress and fear of his behaviour leave, you'll feel better. And both you and your DCs will be safer.

sarahquilt · 05/04/2014 10:06

People don't change. Listen to what your gut is telling you. You'd want your head read to have a baby with him.

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