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Parents and sister have cut me off

(16 Posts)
whatarubbishfamily Fri 04-Apr-14 23:16:42

My parents and sister have been EA to me all my life. Parents are classic narcissists, my sister is the golden child, I'm the scapegoat. They have threatened many times over the years to cut me off, essentially whenever I've opened my mouth and spoken up about how badly they treat me.

About 6 months ago my mum said some awful things about DH and I to our two younger children, who were 3 and 7 at the time. DD, who is 7, told me what was said. I broached the subject with my mum and she turned it into a massive row, stormed off and now she, my dad and sister won't speak to me. My sister has defriended me from Facebook, and various friends of my sister's have also defriended me and have walked past me when I've seen them out, and have refused to speak to me! My parents and sister won't speak to my husband, or two younger children, but have kept contact with my 17 year old daughter, who currently lives with her father, and keep taking her out and meeting up with her/buying her things, and therefore consequently she thinks they are brilliant.

Other things that my parents have done over the years include; starting my 17 year old on solids when she was a baby when they looked after her one day when I was at work, despite the fact that I hadn't yet started solids, and they threatened to cut me off when I protested about it. They also had her 'for an hour' one morning when she was about 18 months old, and then went AWOL with her and didn't contact me for hours, and finally brought her home later that evening as they'd 'been out' and not told me in advance.

The constantly undermine me with my children, and speak to me like dirt, yet when they've had the kids they have just moaned about it and said horrible things about DH and I. Oh and they have stayed 'friends' with DD1's dad who used to hit me, and refused to 'take sides' when I split with him.

I could go on and on and on, but the crux of it is they have said they want no more to do with me. Which I know is for the best, but it is also hard to feel so rejected by people that are supposed to love you. And it is really hurtful when I see friends having lovely supportive families.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation or has anyone got any pearls of wisdom? Thanks smile

MoreBeta Fri 04-Apr-14 23:22:15

If it is any help my father is a classic narcissist. It took me 50 years to realise. He tried to bully me for the last time. I cut him off for ever. My sister and mother will not speak to me now. They are under his control.

Bottom line is, they were either going to cut you off or you were going to cut them off.

Its for the best. It takes a long time to come to terms with that though.

whatarubbishfamily Fri 04-Apr-14 23:24:17

I would definitely describe my father as a bully too, MoreBeta. Although I would say too that my mother is a bully, but more of a subtle one. She comes across as being all meek and mild and vulnerable, but is very snidey and very cunning in her delivery of the bullying. My sister is totally lost up their arses, she really is.

LUKYMUM Fri 04-Apr-14 23:47:42

It's better to have such people out of your life. I feel the same as you, looking in envy at other families. But remember every family has some drama or another, ours just have more than most. You're lucky you have your husband and kids, so try your best to forget about them.
Hopefully your daughter will see sense when she gets a bit older.

Aussiebean Sat 05-Apr-14 03:05:21

By the sounds of it they saved you from having to cut them out of your life.

Take comfort in your family, and watch out for the time that they have decide you have been punished enough and need to come back to be their punching bag again.

Don't fall for that trick.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 05-Apr-14 08:29:25

Jesus, it sounds like they've done you a favour, OP. Don't crawl to them begging and don't accept their shit when they come crawling back to you (which they will, because bullies always need a victim, right?).

You stood up to them and they didn't like it because you left the role they created for you - the role of meek, weak, gullible, easily manipulated scapegoat - and they reacted by cutting you out because you held a mirror up to their bullying ways.

The fact that they stay friends with a man who hit you speaks volumes about how they see you and how little they respect you, let alone the way that they undermine you, your kids and your DH which is is wrong on all levels.

Seriously, this is the one decent thing they've ever done for you in your whole life.

Rebecca2014 Sat 05-Apr-14 08:50:27

They have done you a favour, I am sure they will come crawling back but do not let them back in. To them you are their emotional punching bag and I know it is horrible your own family can treat you in such a way but sometimes it is best we cut off from our family.

You have your own family so focus on them.

giannna Sat 05-Apr-14 09:16:03

Thank you everyone!

I know that you're all right, that really they have done me a favour. I think I feel so rubbish because all of my friends seem to have really nice parents and a great relationship with them.

It makes me fume to see how tactical and manipulative they are being with my eldest daughter. I think that's the part that I find most frustrating. It's like they are still trying to control me despite not being in my life.

giannna Sat 05-Apr-14 09:16:29

Whoops, name change fail!

hamptoncourt Sat 05-Apr-14 09:17:54

OP, your post could have been mine to some extent.

My DM is also classic narc and she sided with XH when he knocked the shit out of me and we split. I think she said "Nobody would ever beat up "sisters name" would they?"

She has undermined me with my DC to the point where my relationship with DD is irreparably damaged. Luckily DS is immune to her and sees her for what she is.

I am NC and it is marvellous!!! DM has gone NC with me a couple of times over the years, always when I refused to bend to her will or stood up to her in some way.

No fucking way am I letting her worm her way back in this time. I have had a lot of counselling which has enabled me to see how my self esteem was left in tatters from a lifetime of emotional neglect and abuse. No child should grow up never hearing the words "I love you" from their own mother. To have constant criticism is so wearing and damaging to your confidence.

Since being NC this time I have gone forwards in leaps and bounds and have a great new job that I never would have had the confidence to go for if still in contact.

You have to see the NC as a gift because that is what it is I promise you. You are meant to go grovelling back to them but just stay away and don't get sucked back in by flying monkeys/stories of illness and imminent death/goading/outright invitations for a fight.

You don't have to do this any more. Doesn't that feel great?

Joysmum Sat 05-Apr-14 09:31:07

They are cutting you off because they see reflected in your eyes and non acceptance of their behaviour that they are wrong. They don't want to change or be reminded if how dreadful they are so they are ceasing contact now you can't be manipulated. Classic

Hissy Sat 05-Apr-14 10:30:42

My love, you don't need to namechange! This is not any reflection upon you, not at all.

As time goes on, you really will see that this is the best thing ever!

Have you seen the Stately Homes thread on here? There's loads of us with parents/family just like yours! Côme on over if you ever need somewhere that you're understood and accepted?

save4it Sat 05-Apr-14 11:19:08

I was a black sheep in my family all my life. In my family no one ever say a good word about me. Anything went wrong whether I was involved or not it would always my fault. My father was an alcoholic and I have a couple of half sisters. I was the youngest in the family and my mum and my brothers always on others' side regardless they are right or wrong. As my families are more interested to tackle a person who is singled out rather than to tackle real trouble makers. So I was always the one who was singled out. My half sisters' life ambition was to destroy me in every way of my life. They distanced every of my families from me and whatever luxury items (birthday etc) I had they would either take them away or destroy them so to make sure I would not have anything. For me home was never a safe place. Dinner time was always the worst time as I had to sit with all my life bullies. I suffered from very serious depression in my teens. My brothers and sisters knew I was suicidal but continue to make my life even more unbearable. I became ill emotionally and physically. My skin become very spotty and I had my period every other week instead of every four weeks. It was at that point I moved away from my family into a youth hostel. I stop having anything to do with my family. It was the best thing that I did for myself. The only thing that I regretted was I should had moved out a lot earlier.
My mum died 15 years ago I went to her funeral but everyone was alienate towards me. My father died of cancer about 5/6 years ago. I went to hospital to visit him but he still verbally belittled me even in his dying bed. A couple months later my brother told me my father died. I was feeling heavy hearted as well as a sense of relief. I don't miss my parents at all but I wish things were different. I can go on and on too......
Over the years people I had met some would find I am odd and some would naïvely encourage me to return to my family as they believe in happy ending fairy tale.
Op you should leave them behind and start a new life from today. You ve got your own family to take care of. You cannot change people unless they want to change themselves.

Meerka Sat 05-Apr-14 17:05:17

Your family have not been your friends. They are your enemies. Enemies.

It hurts like hell when you shoudl be part of a family but instead are the one always left out, the one seen as the failure and useless. Both beign seen like that and the whole thing of not having a -loving- family are rotten.

Give yoruself time to grieve - and for you, given how awful they have been about your older daughter, be angry. I say this in the gentlest possible way, but it is a pity that you were unable to take the power yourself and cut them off from any involvement in her upbringing. Though I can see how it happened, when you are yearning for love and acceptance it's nearly impossible to cut yourself off even when the red flags are flying wildly. I am so sorry that they have had such a bad effect on her sad I really am.

Is your husband supportive of you?

Given that being cut off has put you in such a horrible position with actually quite a few people, is it on the cards to simpy move away? That really sounds like the best option. Being face to face with people who cut you dead whom really, you would love support and friendship/love from is just awful. Getting away from that, making a new start, might be the healthiest thing you could do.

Also, have you have any therapy ? I suspect that full blown therapy rather than counselling would help becuase the wounds go so very, very deep.

flowers

MoreBeta Sat 05-Apr-14 22:03:38

hamptoncourt- "No child should grow up never hearing the words "I love you" from their own mother. "

When I was about 8 years old my mother turned to another mother and said 'you should never love your children'. My mother has never hugged or kissed me. Physical contact was only being hit very hard.

Meerka - "give yourself time to grieve".

Very good advice. I feel I am grieving and hate it. They are controlling how I feel even now I don't speak to them.

Hissy Sat 05-Apr-14 22:39:07

There have been a few interviews on Radio 4 today on the Cinderela law. Some of the stories were so harrowing.

No child should be made to feel like they're not wanted.

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