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DP has no hobbies and v few friends

(29 Posts)
Eastie77 Fri 04-Apr-14 22:34:18

Not sure this is actually a 'problem' as such but I do find it a bit sad. DP has very few friends here (4 at the last count) and no hobbies. He is not from the UK originally but from what I can gather he has very few friends in his native country as well. He has 22 friends on this Facebook account and half of those are people he does not actually know and has never met but they are contacts he has made through forums he joined online. His one 'hobby' was walking the dog that belonged to his ex flatmate twice a week but the dog sadly passed away a couple of months ago. So he comes straight home after work and does not really socialise with anyone. He does not join the after work drinks as he doesn't like pubs which is fair enough but as he works in a mainly male office with a team who all socialise and have drinks together he hasn't really bonded with any of this team. His manager mentioned in his review that he is 'distant' and does not seem to make an effort with colleagues.

Now his preference to not go out much obviously has its advantages, we have a 9 month old daughter and he always encourages me to go out with my friends in the evenings/weekends as he is happy to stay at home with her which is great. Weekends he 'takes over' and takes her out for walks etc so I can catch up with sleep, go to the gym meet up with friends for lunch etc. I will be going back to work FT in June (currently doing 2 days a week) and he picks her up from the childminder after work. I asked him to nominate a day when I pick her up so that he can pursue an interest after work or do something with a friend and he said he has no desire to do this and is happy to leave work at 5 and pick DD up straightaway every day.

I guess my concern is that this kind of life is not sustainable and he will eventually get fed up / regret not making an effort to develop a hobby at all. I cannot imagine not having my friends to lean on or the 'me time' I get when I pursue my hobbies so I struggle to understand how he can just do the work - home thing every single day and then spend the entire weekend just entertaining DD. He actually does have one main interest: current affairs / politics and he spends hours reading articles and watching videos of his favourite politicians from his home country when DD is asleep but this is obviously a solitary activity.

I've introduced him to all my friends who all seem to like him and the guy who lives next door who I get on with really well and who is from the same country as DP. They have actually been out together a few times for a drink / meal but lately I've noticed they are not in contact much. I asked DP about this and he just said "I guess he doesn't really have time for me and finds me annoying like a lot of people do" which is very sad. DP DOES have a lot of annoying traits (that is a whole 'nother thread) but is a genuinely nice, kind person. Not sure why I'm posting really but I'd be interested to know if anyone else has a similar DP? He is not an introvert by the way. He is very opinionated, lively, humourous guy and when we do go out with my friends (albeit very rarely nowadays as we have DD) he is the life and soul of the party.

cafesociety Sat 05-Apr-14 22:08:27

I too am like this. I am friendly if talked to and love conversation. But really need lots of time in my own company and very happy to do so. I don't enjoy parties and large groups of people...I would rather be at home. 4 friends to me seems fine...and your DP does have an interest albeit a solitary one.

I can't tolerate people around me too much and have few friends. I'm fine with that, not everyone is dynamic and extroverted. Some of us are quiet and prefer not to socialise too much. I have a lot of interests, and prefer hobbies done on my own.

Is this man still insisting his orders are obeyed and placing dangerous and unreasonable restrictions on how your DD is cared for? I've just read your other thread and see that sadly you didn't throw him out. He is a negative presence in your life and DD's and you really should get rid of him.

ForalltheSaints Sun 06-Apr-14 09:00:46

I am not sure of what advice I can offer, but I do think you are right to be concerned, even though some people can be very happy in their own company. I share the dislike of work socialising, in part to try to have evenings and weekends where I can focus on family and interests and switch off from work. However, I do have several interests thankfully some of which are shared ones (love of art being one).

givenuptryingtbh Sun 06-Apr-14 10:14:20

I'm like that too Op. I have no friends. I'm friendly and can talk to anyone. But these days i'm careful not to get onto a personal level with anyone. I don't have Facebook and I don't give colleagues etc my phone number. I blend in but I keep it on the surface.

It's a conscious decision now. I made a decision about four years ago not to waste any more time/energy/money trying to make friends as it just doesn't work for me. The only people I attract are users unfortunately.

I'm happy enough with this. It's a relief bit to have to bother with it any more. I have my little family and that's enough for me.

Leave your husband alone really. People like you are lucky that you can have successful friendships.It's not like that for everyone. I've wasted a lifetime being sad about it. But it's not something I can do anything about and I have tried.

I couldn't even pinpoint anything to blame like your DH being opinionated. It seems I'm considered very, nice and kind, clean, thoughtful, considerate, which leads me to suspect I'm probably a bit boring.

What can you do!

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