Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Mum kicked me out and abandoned me since......do I NC or keep trying?(10 Posts)
Hi there everyone, I'm very sorry about the long post but have ran out of options. I've never posted before and I'm a tad nervous about this but here goes...
My 'D'm kicked me out at the age of 17 (just gone!) because she was demanding money from me despite my being in full time education and my contributions myself and my DF already made...they split when I was very young, and she resented him ever since! Since then I went to live with my Grandma and Grandfather who happen to be Dm's parents. They have been AMAZING about the whole thing and really helped me out when i had no other options, my Df living far away and me having school commitments.
I have made attempt after attempt to get in contact with my dm and try to get things back on track, eg trying to arrange meetings, calling her, and when things were too strained emails. Yet time and time again she has let me down and either not responded or given very little in the way of response. She is a completely bitter lady and its killing me, I am only 19 and ready to go to University and really want my mum involved yet she seems to be too pigheaded to back down after SOO long of been horrible. Let me tell you a few things she has done, upsetting me in public places when I have arranged meetings to talk, purposely giving me horrific presents that she knows i would hate (when in the past she has always been thoughtful) for my 19th birthday i received a knitted hat that could fit 6 peoples heads in it, no thought in it very much on purpose. I have written her letters in the past explaining that I'm hurt and I'm sorry about our arguing yet got no response, when i rang her about it 2 weeks later she said "it wasn't worth acknowledging". This was 5 pages of pure heart felt reaching out for my mum that took nearly a full week to write and she shot it down without acknowledgement.
She has also broken her relationship off with her DP's and they are devastated, they didn't want that to happen and only took me in for a few days until me and my DM "cooled off". This was 2 years ago. She claimed child benefit whilst i lived with them and never offered to help them out for taking care of me. Yet when my gran managed to sort out some funding she was straight on the phone screaming at my gran telling her how selfish she is for wanting the child benefit?! Now i pay my own way whilst at college on a VERY part time wage because i feel guilty, like i forced myself onto my Gparents. I came home the other day and she was at my Gparents house, shouting in my grandmas face about inheritance (she has recently had major surgery and had only been out of hospital for 3 days). When i walked in she looked at me like a piece of s* and said "oh and you're starting to put weight on darling, you look really fat" then turned on her heel and left the house slamming the door in the process.
Now I'm incredibly upset and annoyed at her, Im a size 10 but have huge boobs which make me look disproportionate and quite large, she knows I've always been self conscious of this so clearly said it to be nasty. I just don't know how to handle this anymore. I'm sick of being the "adult" in the situation and keep becoming astonished at how she can treat her only daughter this way. It's getting to the point where i know we wont be able to go back so I'm considering just going complete NC and saving myself a lot of let down and heartache. The family i have at the moment, although limited is incredibly supportive and loving. Every time my mother finally speaks to me I get emotional and sad so Im thinking whats the point. I guess I'm just wanting MN advice on how i can either fix it (even though ive tried everything i think is humanely possible) or if she is just a one off that cant be talked around??
Sorry about the huge post. I'm a rambling lost mess.
I'm after any kind of advice/guidance possible, i appreciate posters are busy but I'd really appreciate it!
so I'm considering just going complete NC and saving myself a lot of let down and heartache.
Talking to your Mother, trying to have a relationship with her is causing you pain, rejection and seems to be making you feel horrible.
You say above that going NC will save you a lot of let down and heartache.
Your Mother doesn't seem to want to act in a Motherly capacity and sadly no amount of letters and effort by YOU will change that. Based on your above post, I really wouldn't bother with her, she sounds horrendous and I'm sorry to hear how she's treated you. I think the only thing is, why are you still astonished about how she treats you? Do you think one day she will wake up and 'see the light?' currently, she doesn't need to change how she acts as you're still trying to have a relationship with her - I'd go NC for your own sanity and surround yourself with people who care about you.
You can't fix this. Don't waste your energy or time, you'll only get more heartache. I really feel for you, it must be horrible for you but imo you should try to come to terms with the fact that your Mum is not quite nice.
Just go NC, I know I would.
Thankyou, just seems like every time I get somewhere eg actually talking civilly, she turns around and does something horrid/puts me down. I guess I already knew that would be the case. I just think about the future, going to uni, having children etc I always figured my mum would be by my side..oh well
Unfortunately, I've learn't the hard way, its only your own emotion that you can control.
Your DM can't be fixed as such. She's got to work through what ever is going on in her life at present. You need to take that love offered from your extended family and keep going with your life, get yourself to uni - take every opportunity you can. Investigate additional funding options for students without parental support.
Having space from your DM now would no doubt benefit you emotionally and who knows what the future holds. Its what I'd call a Christmas and Birthday card contact.
Could she be having a midlife crisis - her role as Mum coming to an end because you're all grown up and now she feels her life is over, or even a full breakdown because the bitterness has eaten her up? Quite possibly you'll never fully know but that doesn't mean that some point down the line she wont send a polite Christmas card back to you and at that point you can see how you feel about taking the relationship forwards again.
I'm very sad for you. I've had similar. Always working hard to fix it, thinking I'm getting somewhere, building my hopes and then it all going back to how it was. It is beyond cruel.
I'm ten years older than you and it is still the same.
I think you should go NC, I have been NC with my dad and reduced with my mum for a few years and it is the only thing that has helped - I'm able to grow and heal as a person tbh and have come on loads in that time.
Don't think you should waste any more of your time. Put the effort you spend on your mum into loving your GPs even more because it's them who deserve it really.
That's the thing. I have a younger brother whom she dotes on, properl mummy's boy, he'll be living with her for years to come. It's nice to know that other people have experienced it and got through it with NC
You might find this site helpful:
And the 'toxic parents' book by Susan forward
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.