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Drunken blurt(8 Posts)
I'm sure I've been noticed recently on a couple of the hoarding threads & even started my own about some unreasonable behaviour.
Discussions/arguments are never best started when a few drinks have been consumed, but I have just told my husband that I love him, but I shall be leaving if the mess is not dealt with. Not while DS is busy with important exam stuff, but soon after that, unless things improve. I asked him if he had heard me & had understood that I meant it (which I did). He looked horrified & has retreated to another room to watch a DVD - he was planning to do that anyway, so hasn't gone off in a huff. I suspect tomorrow it will be like water off a duck's back, but at least I have said it, with conviction. It's a start.
I was on your other thread Witch.
Something that other posters mentioned on there, is that you are focusing on the hoarding when he has actually done some quite alarming acts of physical violence ! You may not know the answer to this yourself, but why is that? Is it because it is 'easier' to admit to yourself that he is a hoarder than to admit that you are a victim of domestic violence? Not easy, but that was the general opinion on your other thread. My heart goes out to you actually, you sound like a strong person who has slowly got into a situation that you wouldn't have tolerated if it had happened suddenly, you have just gradually got to a very difficult place!
Please remember that he has resorted to very nasty physical behaviour before, and may again, particularly if you are talking about leaving.
Ha yes, the boiling a frog thing - start with cold water…
Very upset & remorseful about the temper - I suppose they all say that
Deserted round here! Sorry, been away.
I think with the temper thing, it's good that he is remorseful, but what stands out to me (and others commented on your other thread) is what he did in temper.
I have occasionally lost my temper. I have shouted, banged things down, and even once indulged in a childish fit of door slamming. But I have never destroyed something that someone I love needs to live their day-to-day life, and can't imagine that I ever would no matter how cross.
When people lose it (and maybe when they're drunk! ) you see the real person, without the veneer they apply for society. Going a bit armchair psychologist for a moment, what were you rowing about when the glasses/lenses incidents happened? He felt entitled to destroyed things essential to you; had you just taken away something important to him ... control, sexual freedom, money ...?
Thinking about your drunken blurt, do you realise you've backed yourself into a corner? If you don't carry out your threat, he'll know that he can do whatever he wants and you will always just put up with it, just moan about it occasionally! My guess is he'll make a very minimal start to stop you leaving, and there will be a bit of glacial progress whenever you say anything. What would your strategy be if this happens?
Yes I realise I've backed myself into a corner, but for someone who is quite impulsive, I can be very patient. Most of our rows are to do with food - stupid really, but he sees my cooking as a means to control him - the whole choosing a time to eat & turning up to eat it on time. He deliberately tries to sabotage mealtimes - denies it of course & I no longer wait for him like I used to but tell him it's ready, serve it & get on with it. He almost invariably leaves about a quarter of the meal on his plate & wanders off to do something else before coming back to finish it - except he doesn't, he has a couple of mouthfuls & stops. It's a control thing - I know that - but he tells me I'm the control freak for trying to get him to toe the line. Gets very cross if I throw it away before he's "finished" so I tend to just tidy up around it. Rows also about my "nagging" - reminding him to get on with overdue paperwork mostly, & trying to discuss approaching the mess in the house. More control-freakery on my part apparently.
I will leave if things don't improve, but I haven't yet given a deadline to him or to myself - the date is likely to be a couple of years away, after DS goes to university. We have a holiday rental place I could move to - he hasn't cluttered that & says how much he likes how tidy it is whenever we're there . I do believe he doesn't know where to start with the mess - he has even said so - but he does hang on to things I think are just rubbish - wrappings, old cards, tickets, the magazines - his mother is exactly the same. He agrees he doesn't need to keep all the magazines but won't let me sort them
although I do sneak the odd one into the recycling - I've offered to look through them all & keep ones I think are of particular interest - certain sports cars etc. He likes the idea of this but doesn't trust me not to be "too ruthless"
You strike me as somebody who has been ground down so much that even though you understand that you are being subjected to controlling behaviour you can do little to deal with it. The mealtime scenario you describe is similar to my XH. We, as a family, had to wait at the table until he decided he was ready to join us to eat and goodness help me if the food was either losing heat or overcooked. Fractious, hungry toddlers kept waiting while he finished reading his "important" newspaper articles/chapter in book/documentary on TV. Yet I accepted that was the way it had to be, and tried to appease him in every situation.
Madness isn't it?
I'd guess that at some point, you have been fed the idea that it wouldn't be fair to disrupt the security of your DS while he is at school. Once your DS leaves for uni, you will then have the guilt of having to stay in case the trauma of his parents separating affects his studies. After that, your DH could have health issues...possibly depression...that would make it cruel of you to leave him. Been there. Done it.
The only person who isn't suffering in your current setup is your DH. Your life can only improve if you leave him. Imagine a world where you go out to work and come home to find everything as you left it. Imagine a world where you can look after your home easily - you know - vacuuming carpets without having to move piles of rubbish first. Eating meals normally and clearing up afterwards without obstacles. You are worth so much more than the current deal you seem to be accepting.
Where is your DS in all this?
He must be really embarrassed when his friends come round. Although, perhaps if his Grandmother is a hoarder too he sees it as normal, in which case he will do exactly the same when he has his own house. What is his bedroom like, is it an oasis of minimalist chic, or is it similar to the rest of the house.
Splitting up once he is gone to uni may sound like your putting him first, but I'm not sure it is doing him any favours. Does he know how unhappy you are? Even if you think you are putting on a good show for him, he will have absorbed the atmosphere in your home (which sounds to me like a constant power struggle! ). Does he comment on the differences between your relationship and others that he sees when you socialise with friends and family? What is he like with his girlfriend s, does he find it easy to make close relationships? If you separate when he leaves home, he will know his home life & childhood was fake, to some extent, and will feel responsible for your unhappiness. He might also absorb the message that however unhappy a marriage is, you stay. I wouldn't want that for my son's, I would want them to make their own happiness a priority.
In your last post, it sounds like you have got into the habit of putting your DH's needs first. Now might be the time to make sure yours are just as important. Stop caring WHY he is hoarding, leave him to sort out his own paper work, eat whenever he wants (stop asking what time to serve a meal, as it sounds like he doesn't treat his answer as any sort of commitment), stop nagging him about "mess", it's your house ttoo, just clear a room for you and be out for a while when he finds out!
Oh god - life is too short! Just dump the motherfucker already.
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