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How to separate when h won't let you

(11 Posts)
FrustratedMod Fri 04-Apr-14 08:27:54

As title. Final straw. Can't go on, but h won't countenance moving out, me moving out & taking children, selling house. Thinks I am being dramatic and all will blow over. It won't. Think he is mentally ill, doesn't care if house is repossessed. What can I do?

OxfordBags Fri 04-Apr-14 08:57:45

Get professional help. The way he is behaving is abusive - contact Women's Aid. See a solicitor. Research who can help you.

He doesn't get to decide about this; there is no 'letting' or not letting you do snything. You are an adult, not his child or pet. If you want to go, go. If you are scared of his reaction,or that he is mentally ill and might become unstable, contact the police or a doctor about his mental health.

Be proactive. Don't sit around waiting for him to give you permission. I suspect this is all part of a wider and older picture of him controlling you. Break that now.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Fri 04-Apr-14 09:06:02

You don't need your dh to "let you" separate. If one person in the relationship wants to separate then that's all you need. As above, get professional help

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Apr-14 09:19:08

Agree with the PPs. You need legal advice on how to start the divorce process and you need practical advice on how to remove yourself and the DCs safely if he is refusing to acknowledge it's over. Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 is a very good resource for a lot of this information. Do you have any RL support from friends and family?

Finola1step Fri 04-Apr-14 09:30:26

He can't stop you. You do not need his permission. Talk to a solicitor (get your free 30 mins with as many as possible). If he refuses to move out of the family home, you must stop doing things for him and including him in daily life. No washing, ironing, cooking, tidying up after him etc. Do not sleep in the same bed. If he insists on staying, insist on leading separate lives under the same roof. You can not be forced to stay in a marriage.

lavenderhoney Fri 04-Apr-14 12:59:46

Go and see a solicitor. He can't stop you. If one of you decides its over, its over. The rest is detail.

If there's any violence or aggression in his part he can be forcibly removed from the house by the police and prevented from returning even if it's in his name only - it's the children's home and they are the ones the law prioritizes.

Don't consult him or tell him anything while you are getting legal advice, His opinion doesn't matter. Good luck and stay safe.

Middledaughter Fri 04-Apr-14 17:53:35

In a similar situation here. I have just seen a solicitor who suggest drafting a letter saying saying you'd like to separate. Apparently sometimes that is enough to jolt someone into going voluntarily.

Good luck.

FastLoris Fri 04-Apr-14 18:10:35

OxfordBags -

The way he is behaving is abusive

Really? You can tell that from the three-line OP?

NotSuch -

You don't need your dh to "let you" separate.

No, of course you don't. You do need them to let you take their children away from them though - or you need to seek a court order determining who gets them, and when.

People seem to have missed that the OP specifically said "me moving out AND TAKING CHILDREN". Or do they just come under the "detail" that lavenderhoney was dismissing?

If your husband wanted to separate and take your children away with him, would that just be a simple case of him "not needing your permission" and doing it? shock

lavenderhoney Fri 04-Apr-14 18:35:36

The crap you go through to divorce or separate is details. Once you've decided, and you don't want to try counselling etc, the next step is see a solicitor and sort out the details of your divorce. Which includes dc, finance, house etc.

You don't have to wait for him to agree to do that. You file, then you agree all the details surrounding the dissolution of your marriage. So see a solicitor, work out what you want and keep going.

DirtySkirtings Fri 04-Apr-14 19:02:02

FastLoris it sounds like the OP has put forward a number of options including her H moving out or both of them moving out and selling up. We don't know if OP is the main carer but if she is then it is likely the DC will need to move / stay with her for practical reasons.

It sounds as though he won't consider / discuss any of it. So as PP have advised, the next step is legal advice.

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