Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

getting pregnant on the quiet

(71 Posts)
clockisticking Thu 03-Apr-14 22:22:50

I've been married for nearly 14 years and in total together for around 20. I was ready to start a family at 27, I was asked to wait until we had a bigger house/more money. Roll on 8 more years and finally it happens. Fantastic healthy boy who is now 3 and a half.

After he was born we had issues, well he did. Aggressive to me, and I put up with it for 2 years. So, during that time I didn't even think about having another. Things are now much better and I don't want my son to be an only child - both H and I are 1 of 3.

He says he doesn't want the hassel and that our son will have friends, so doesn't need a sibling. We don't have any support and haven't been out for 3 years. My view is that we rarely went out together anyway and that friends would come and go and that when we're gone he won't have anyone to talk to from the same back ground - plus I love being a mum and would love another child. H is good dad and spends time with D's.

Trouble is I've just turned 39 and am wondering where my time has gone and considering an option of having my coil removed and not telling him. This makes me feel sick as I'm not a dishonest person but I feel just as bad at the thought of not having another child.

H isn't currently work (out for 9 months). There are potential jobs out there, he doesn't have to work but is getting bored (has D's 2days and is overseeing home improvement). When he has asked what we'll do with my money when he goes back to work I've said we can use to continue with any child care, his response is that there would be no point in him going back if that's the case.

Has anyone out there got pregnant on purpose? Words of wisdom would be appreciated please.

maleview70 Fri 04-Apr-14 08:48:31

If you were my wife and did this and I found out, I would leave you. That's the risk you are taking. Not that he sounds that great anyway.

AfricanExport Fri 04-Apr-14 08:57:31

Can you afford to support two children on your own?

If not I would seriously suggest you don't do something completely selfish. especially as you know that baby no. one put your relationship under stress. I would leave you if you did this did this to me and I would expect oh (of nearly 27 years) to leave me If i did this to him because our marriage is a partnership not a self centred dictatorship.

laylalilac Fri 04-Apr-14 08:58:35

I know someone who did this.Her DH accepted DC1 but DC2 was the beginning of the end and they are now divorced sad.Her DH thought she was on the pill! We knew what she was up to.They are grown up and awesome now but the years of stress this caused were terrible for everyone .

OneMoreChap Fri 04-Apr-14 09:17:17

Don't do it.
It's sad that you want more children and he doesn't. But then he's got several, hasn't he?

Does sound like he needs to get his lazy arse out there and take a turn working...
... you can supervise the home improvements.

MorrisZapp Fri 04-Apr-14 09:22:22

Don't lie and deceive him, it's completely wrong. You'd lose any moral high ground for the rest of your life, and nobody could blame him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 04-Apr-14 09:26:17

I think you have made a mistake staying with the same guy that didn't want a family until he ran out of excuses why not and who then got aggressive. I know it's tempting to stick to 'the devil you know' because you think that, if you call it a day, you definitely won't have DC #2. But I think the whole relationship sounds shaky and wouldn't recommend bringing another child into it, 'accidentally' or deliberately.

scottishmummy Fri 04-Apr-14 09:29:22

You're in a rocky relationship with a volatile,unemployed man with history of violence
He doesn't want another baby,why would purposefully deceive him?
Don't be so wet,fretting about having another baby,you can ignore the tick tick and in your case I would

HavantGuard Fri 04-Apr-14 09:30:01

There have been a couple of threads about this lately hmm

You don't trick someone into conceiving a child. If you want a child, tell him and tell him you are stopping your contraception. He can then choose what to do, from using contraception himself to breaking up with you.

RedRoom Fri 04-Apr-14 09:40:36

I think it is selfish to plan a child that is unwanted by one parent, especially when there has been violence in the past. You are thinking only of your own immediate needs, not about the future of your current child and any future baby.

scottishmummy Fri 04-Apr-14 09:47:13

This isn't a tough one sad facesadsituation at all.it's clear cut don't do it
No the op female desire to be mum,doesn't trump his desire to not be dad again
Being a parent is mutual choice,both must want it,women aren't entitled to another baby cause they fancy it

This is horrible. I'm really quite affected by it, I am a good parent to my DC, I know though, that this is all I can be a good parent to- I'm done, if my partner duped me into having another, he would be making me unhappy, my current DC deprived of a good parent and ultimately I think depriving us all of a stable family life. How cruel to your h, how cruel to your ds, and cruel to the new DC would you have to be, to bring a child into the world knowing it would have a negative impact on all the family, and everyone would have a lesser quality of life because of it.sad Don't do this.

andsmile Fri 04-Apr-14 09:52:49

clock no no no.

I flirted with the thought of doing this but it never got past the 'shit no' I would dare stage. Same age as you but have 2dc. - Anyway my toddler is enough, the idea of another one (toddler that is horrifies me)

BUT I would say no because of his agressive behaviour - you say that lastd for 2 years, what else was going on or was that his repsonse to becomming a parent?

differentnameforthis Fri 04-Apr-14 10:05:38

I don't know how my mum's pregnancy with me came about, but she didn't want me. I must have been an accident. My dad & her brothers talked her into having me. Told her she would love me once I was born, told her that one regrets a baby.

She didn't love me.
She did regret me.

I have lived with that legacy for 40 years.
I haven't had a relationship with my mum since I left home at 18.

Honestly, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

differentnameforthis Fri 04-Apr-14 10:11:32

old her that no one regrets a baby

Also, my dad left when I was still quite young, so the lack of love & emotional bonding was there from a young age.

scottishmummy Fri 04-Apr-14 10:19:10

Christ that's a harsh reality to live with.

kotinka Fri 04-Apr-14 13:09:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlecrystal Fri 04-Apr-14 13:19:49

You mentioned that your relationship is marked by aggression, so I would do what is best for me.
Option 1, tell him you are taking the coil out and want to get pregnant, and see where he stands.
Option 2, get pregnant "by mistake" but prepare to choose your child over your husband, and prepare to be a single mother if children are so important to you.

Option 2 may sound harsh, but... I made a concsious decision to have my DC2, in my case H did not mind, but I was fully aware of our crumbling relationship and in case I was to be a single mother I much preferred to have 2 DC than one, so we are a little family of 3.
As it happens I am still with H but I did not want to have one DC and then get divorced and be desperately looking for inseminator if my clock going to an end.

blueshoes Fri 04-Apr-14 14:22:01

If OP's husband showed aggression to her, I doubt the worst case scenario for the OP that she becomes a lone parent to 2 dcs. Her husband may do things to her and the dc that are permanent, I mean both physically and emotionally.

This may not be something OP can simply walk away from if her husband reacts badly.

Ivehearditallnow Fri 04-Apr-14 15:05:01

Don't get pregnant on the sly. FGS.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 04-Apr-14 15:23:07

OP

I really think you shouldn't do this. But if you do and you get pregnant, please don't be alone with him when you tell him.

sarahquilt Fri 04-Apr-14 17:28:34

I'm sorry for your predicament but tricking someone into a baby would be very immoral. Imagine you were him. How would you feel?

DustBunnyFarmer Fri 04-Apr-14 17:51:20

Given that OP wants another baby, how about looking it from the other side. Imagine you'd agreed to try for a baby, then subsequently found out he'd had a vasectomy behind your back, against your wishes. How would you feel? Horribly betrayed is my guess. You may feel him vetoing baby #2 is all but the same, but actually you have a choice in this. The honorable thing would be to have the discussion and separate if he's still adamant. If you are worried about your age, donor sperm is an option. At this point you might wonder if it's fair to break up your family to pursue your ambition for baby #2. What you don't seem to realise is that separation may be a very real outcome of the stealth pregnancy route. It's not a choice which only affects you. I haven't ever been in your shoes, but there are a lot of people who would count their blessings to have even one healthy child. (In case it needs spelling out overtly, I am in the no camp.)

aegeansky Fri 04-Apr-14 18:15:06

Hey, I'm a guy...and I know of two women who have conceived by removing their contraception without telling their partner, and calling it an accident.

I'm not saying commenting on whether it's right in this case, or fair, of that it wouldn't create problems, just surprised not to have heard women on this thread saying it happens?

Bowlersarm Fri 04-Apr-14 18:33:03

It happened with my friend aegeansky. Exceptionally intelligent woman who took it into her one hands to have her coil removed without telling her husband. They are now divorced, although not necessarily because of the arrival of dd3.

aegeansky Fri 04-Apr-14 18:38:34

Bowlersarm...hmmm, interesting. Both the women I knew who did this are also highly intelligent and sorted. I can't imagine what it's like to be a woman, obviously, but from an evolutionary biological perspective, the behaviour (not telling) makes complete sense. If there is any doubt that you may not have another opportunity to pair-bond again, then it must be an overwhelming urge...

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now