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getting pregnant on the quiet

(71 Posts)
clockisticking Thu 03-Apr-14 22:22:50

I've been married for nearly 14 years and in total together for around 20. I was ready to start a family at 27, I was asked to wait until we had a bigger house/more money. Roll on 8 more years and finally it happens. Fantastic healthy boy who is now 3 and a half.

After he was born we had issues, well he did. Aggressive to me, and I put up with it for 2 years. So, during that time I didn't even think about having another. Things are now much better and I don't want my son to be an only child - both H and I are 1 of 3.

He says he doesn't want the hassel and that our son will have friends, so doesn't need a sibling. We don't have any support and haven't been out for 3 years. My view is that we rarely went out together anyway and that friends would come and go and that when we're gone he won't have anyone to talk to from the same back ground - plus I love being a mum and would love another child. H is good dad and spends time with D's.

Trouble is I've just turned 39 and am wondering where my time has gone and considering an option of having my coil removed and not telling him. This makes me feel sick as I'm not a dishonest person but I feel just as bad at the thought of not having another child.

H isn't currently work (out for 9 months). There are potential jobs out there, he doesn't have to work but is getting bored (has D's 2days and is overseeing home improvement). When he has asked what we'll do with my money when he goes back to work I've said we can use to continue with any child care, his response is that there would be no point in him going back if that's the case.

Has anyone out there got pregnant on purpose? Words of wisdom would be appreciated please.

AnnRuleRules Thu 03-Apr-14 22:26:37

Clock...this has to be a joint decision. If one of you is against it, then that is a no. I am sorry!!!

jumblebee Thu 03-Apr-14 22:29:30

Please, please do not do that! I sympathise that you want another child, but if your husband does not then it could lead to endless problems down the line. He may end up resenting you massively!

It's a horrible position to be in but bringing a child into the world by deceiving your partner is a really awful thing to do!

Bowlersarm Thu 03-Apr-14 22:29:52

Don't do it. Very, very unfair.

HyvaPaiva Thu 03-Apr-14 22:30:45

OP, I'm sorry that you want another child and your husband doesn't. That must hurt. However, you absolutely don't have the right to do this to another person. It's nothing but violating and deceptive.

CleopatrasAsp Thu 03-Apr-14 22:31:22

I think you would be mad to do this, genuinely. Your DH was aggressive to you when you had your first child - what makes you think it won't happen again even if he wanted another child? To have a child he doesn't want is just reckless. I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear but I don't understand why you would even contemplate having another child with this man. That's aside from the fact he is unemployed at the moment.

clockisticking Thu 03-Apr-14 22:49:18

I know in my heart it would be the wrong thing to do. I just feel so trapped and upset because I don't think he will change his mind. Thanks for your thoughts.

CarryOnDancing Thu 03-Apr-14 22:55:22

I can completely sympathise as DH didn't want a second child. Thankfully he changed his mind and it has all worked out. It hurt thinking we wouldn't have a second but I couldn't cope with the idea of my child ever feeling like one parent wasn't fully invested in them-never mind resentful.
It's not just your relationship you gave to consider, it's the relationship they will have with their father.

I stopped pushing it absolutely DH changed his mind. I know I the decision was led by me but now I don't have any guilt. DH is very happy that I gave him a gentle nudge though thankfully.

blueshoes Thu 03-Apr-14 23:02:54

You want another child, but do you really want a child with your H? I know I don't have a lot to go on from your first post but my first impression is that your H is not a decent enough man to you to get over the 'deception' (he will suspect - what will you answer about the coil?) and change his mind once the baby is here.

Would you be prepared to be a single parent to 2 DC's if your DH was totally unsupportive of this pregnancy?
Generally l would be saying no don't do it but a wee part of me says to hell with it, get the coil removed and see what happens---only if you are prepared and accept that you may be on your own.

mathanxiety Fri 04-Apr-14 05:20:10

Don't bring a baby into a situation like this.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Fri 04-Apr-14 06:45:03

He was aggressive to you after you had your son? Can you tell us a bit more about that?

paxtecum Fri 04-Apr-14 07:07:45

Clock: don't do it unless you want to be a single mum of two.

There was one thread on here that I remember vividly.
The woman talked her DH into another child and it was twins.
She had an 3 year old and twins.
They split up when the twins were 6 months old.
The DH had really, really not wanted another child and was not very supportive at all.

Just enjoy the time with your child and your DH.

Fuckeroo Fri 04-Apr-14 07:16:47

So he doesn't work and bring any money in, and he only does two days a week childcare?

Fuck it, have another baby and ask him to leave. You'll be no worse off, financially or emotionally, from what you've posted.

HowContraryMary Fri 04-Apr-14 07:26:02

If he's not working you cant afford to bring up another baby can you?

Has anyone out there got pregnant on purpose? And I'd like to point out to all the nay-sayers this is a classic case of duping a man for his sperm. You say it doesn't happen but it does.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 04-Apr-14 07:36:08

Mary, I doubt anyone has said it never happens. It comedup occasionally on here and, as with this thread, almost every response is not to do it.

OP, I wouldn't do it, he will be aggressive again, it's the wrong thing to do and it sounds like a bad relationship.

BertieBotts Fri 04-Apr-14 07:53:40

Total emotional response says do it, get pregnant and leave.

But that's not really fair or sensible, is it? sad In some ways though, when I knew I had to leave XP, DS was just under a year old. It effectively ruled him out of having a close in age sibling because by the time I'd left, met someone else, developed the relationship to the level of having children, he'd be older - this is the situation we're in now. He's 5, I happened to get together with DH (an old friend) only 10 months after leaving XP which was quick, we're about ready to start TTC in a year but even if it happens straight away DS will be nearly 7 when his sibling is born. Also at 39, you possibly don't have the time to do that. I did fleetingly consider getting pregnant to XP on purpose before I left but I didn't, obviously. (I didn't try). In fleeting moments, I sort of wish that I had, so that I would have those two children rather than my one. But then at other times, I remember how hard it was to cope with DS alone and I realise it was a good thing I didn't have two of them!

But I would be concerned by the aggression. And the refusal to discuss things, and the not working even though he could (assuming there is not a broader plan for him to be a SAHD for example), the fact he's not seemingly interested in finding a joint agenda with you, he's acting as though you're making a decision and then he gets to make his own independent personal decision off the back of that. I think if you fast forward 5 or 10 years, you won't be in the relationship any more - I don't think he will make you happy. For that reason I probably wouldn't go for saving the relationship.

However, it's still wrong to con somebody into having a child. I suppose the other answer is leave and pay for donor sperm or adopt, which sounds ridiculously simple and I am sure it is not as easy as that.

Gah!! Tough one. It's a total "Head says no way ever would this be a good idea, but heart says pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease" situation.

Lweji Fri 04-Apr-14 07:56:50

Has he actually been looking for jobs?

What does it mean overseeing home improvements?
Does he do any house work?

And what do you mean he was aggressive with you?

So, from what you say, if you have another child he's ready to stay at home. If you do get pregnant, he may end up as a sahp. How do you think that would work out?

Oh, and I had my DS "on purpose". Only, husband agreed too. wink

And some people can afford to have children when one of them is not working. We see that here all the time.

But I don't think you should trick him.

Finola1step Fri 04-Apr-14 08:07:52

It must really hurt but this isn't about you. Would you really want to bring a child into this world knowing that its father doesn't want it? Deliberately?

Stay with him or leave him. Just don't bring an innocent child into this.

Missesbumble Fri 04-Apr-14 08:08:01

Oh OP, this is a tough one sad I really feel for you that you want another child. I have 5 (all grown up now however) I don't know what I'd have done if DH at the time had said no when I wanted another child. It was tough at times and money was tight. I had to work around them a lot of the time self employed just to make ends meet. DC 5 wasn't planned & happened just before DH was due to go for the snip but I couldn't have been without any of them.

Your DH doesn't sound great though tbh and I'd be worried about the bigger picture. I'm sure you'd cope with another child even if having to bring them up as a single mum but that's not really the issue here. I can't fathom why he wouldn't want to get a job just because your wages would go on childcare? He needs to get his arse in gear and get a job regardless even if that's part time and around current childcare.

You will do whatever you want to do regardless of what anyone says, this is about your needs and what you want. Advice is something we often want but we don't always want to hear it. Whatever you decide I wish you the best of luck, although I don't think another child bodes well in your current relationship thanks

differentnameforthis Fri 04-Apr-14 08:22:04

Reasons not to have a child with this man AT ALL

1] Aggressive to me, and I put up with it for 2 years
2] Aggression/violence worsens during pregnancy.

3] if it is an "accidental" pregnancy it could escalate the aggression/violence.

bragmatic Fri 04-Apr-14 08:23:12

You won't find anyone who will tell you to go ahead. No one at all.

Hand on heart though, I'm not sure I wouldn't, in your position. Doesn't make it right though.

Casmama Fri 04-Apr-14 08:31:23

If I were you I think I would get my coil taken out and tell my dh that I really wanted another baby and if he didn't then he could be responsible for contraception.
I would also say that not working wasn't an option and if he didn't make reasonable steps towards getting a job then I couldn't see a future in the relationship.
The aggression does worry me though.

Your husband sounds awful. I can see why you want to do this, at 39 you don't have much time to ditch him and find someone else to have a baby with. Would you be prepared to be a single mother?

BertieBotts Fri 04-Apr-14 08:41:36

I think there have been about three or four maybe/yeses on this thread already bragmatic blush

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