Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

where to find guidence so hubs can find peace.

(11 Posts)
backtofrontupsidedown Thu 03-Apr-14 20:17:45

ive name changed for obvius reasons, but i do back to the dys of wig n robe' coddy and know any fucker and attila give sound advice on here, unless its for dating then ask lou, sorry bit of an old timer, anyhow. This will be long so apologies.

Ive always known hubs of four years was abused by a maternal uncle, as was his sister, hes had regressional therapy weve had ups and downs thought no more of it, very nieve of me, and incredably conceited in someways.

We have two boys ds2 is hubs, ds1 isn't, over the last year I've noticed hubs getting increasingly distant difficult aggressive with attitude and generally pushing myself and ds1 away whilst building a bubble around himself And ds2.

We've not had a good year, three miscarriages and my 'obsession' at having aa third had pushed us to breaking point. He said some highly hurtful things to the point I was ready to kick him out, but for his insistence ds2 would also go.

I have no issues over thehim as a father he is brilliant but wraps ds2 in cotton wool. Ds1 he is good yearwith, but blames himself for ds1 coming home from exs house in a mood, and thinks he's a shit stepped, he's not at all.

Anyhow, back to my point, two weeks ago, it came to a head as I told hubs how he's been making me feel lovable etc etc etcflinching when I touch his cheek, or leg, likewise tickle him, so I honestly told him enough was enough wasi was defeated, he went upstairs and camedown devestated. What's come out since I'm finding hard to process, the abuser did it from 4-8 years old ds2 is goodthree this year, I did anticipate hubs repressing somewhat but he seems to think only he seemscan protect our son, god knows id deo anything to protect our boys. Anyhow, apparently, the way I touch hishis cheek, arm, or gently touch has been giving him flash backs, I'm mortified, he's so upset with himself for not sharing this, I'm mortifiedupset rI've made him reminded of the venerable boy he was, we've huggede talked I've listened he's cried, I've cried, , the more hes told me, I've expressed that I can't process how or why it happened andi wasn't upset with himselfhim for not telling me, I understand that, but upset for childhood he was robbed of.
Anyhow, last week, bil rang me and said he waswas woried about hubs, I confirmed he had been regressing somewhat, he wasconfirmed the abuser also did it to him, hut for the abuserlot longer, until teans, he was fed after to keep him quiet and it has resulted in well a man who tried to committee suicide and full of self loathing, I sat at the top of the stairs and listened to hubs talking to his broyuther aboutwhat had happened, knowing hubs gwould never tell me anyhow, the abit I'm most struggling with is, and this is more than not knowing what went on, as hubs can't it to remember himself, isvthe fact bil told mil when he was about 14 and she told him not tolie, who does tht, the boy had been messing himself to keep away from the man, he ran away fromfrom home and slept rough on the streets in the streetscity.

Anyhow, all of that aside, I want to support my hubs and bil, both of them are amazing people, I'm not going to give up on my family, but likewise, I need to know where to givego or how to give uphubs especially the streetsbest support and keep my own emotions in check. I need to givebe strong for him, but have no idea where to start, it was so nieve o think this ishad been delta wit.

backtofrontupsidedown Thu 03-Apr-14 20:26:26

Apologies for my crappy posting, I've a new tablet I'm trying to master.

Thetallesttower Thu 03-Apr-14 20:48:57

I have to be honest and say I don't have much experience in this particular problem, I think others might though. Your love for your husband shines out though, and just by listening and believing and loving him and caring for him you are doing a very good thing which will help him, hopefully along with therapy. I have found that having my husband listen about life's traumas is a very helpful thing, especially if it is something you wouldn't tell almost anyone.

backtofrontupsidedown Thu 03-Apr-14 20:57:26

Thanks, I know it's so hard to watch someone you love be in so much pain and hurt, my normal thing would be to touch his cheek gently to look at this and tell him it's ok, but I can't do that now for fear of triggering something off.

My believing him and likewise bil has never been in question, I have no reason to disbelieve the hurt I see in his eyes. He's not discussed it with his sister, and likewise she is very much a person to prefer a quiet life, and be grateful for her lot. She's a lovely person, (I think anyhow) but hubs doesn't overly talk to her, he's not got the patience. It explains a lot, the more he's telling me now, as to why he's gone back into his emotional man cave why he's so disinclined for confrontation no matter what happens.

Have a look at this charity OP, their helpline is open tomorrow 10-6 I think it might have some support and advice for you:

www.napac.org.uk

(National Association of People abused as children)

Good luck to you all.

kidsndogs Thu 03-Apr-14 23:03:04

i was abused as a child and i know i am female but can totally relate to the needing to withdraw thing you are a very special person to be so supportive my DP is amazing too and knows that physical contact has to be on my terms its the only way i feel safe. (Actually have a huge lump in my throat typing this i never talk about what happened)

backtofrontupsidedown Fri 04-Apr-14 06:33:25

I'm so sorry kid for you as well. Big hugs. I cant imagine how you feel.

Ill look into the link thanks.

Hubs keeps saying its not about him, and him notfeeling ok, its about me feeling ok as well, but likewise really its not his needs come first in this instance. This animal will get away with it, mil has confronted her brother and he's been cut out from their section of the family, so its about learning to live with it, I didn't appreciate that hubs would have long periods of seeming ok, then regress back to his emotional man cave as wel call it, currently instead of dragging hi. Out of it, I've been saying me and the boys will still be here when you are ready. Not sure if that's right.

kidsndogs Fri 04-Apr-14 10:02:22

When you love someone you always put their needs first. My abuser has got away with it too that is how abusers can live in our society it's the web of secrecy lies and shame that they weave that keeps them out there. I can only share with you some of the stuff that has helped me over the years. Yes let him retreat but remind him of the reasons he should not do it for too long (you and the kids love and need him). I used to write horrible letters and then instead of sending them i would burn them in the garden (sounds silly i know) but i think its just putting some of it down on paper was kind of a release? Guilt is so painful, my road to living with this was to totally put the blame on my abuser it is not easy they make you feel its your fault in some way. My partner does lots to make me feel safe just reminds me i am safe nobody can ever hurt me again i have loads of people around me that love me. I had a private therapy for a short time it did help to start the process. I was 27 before i started to remember i had been abused.

badbaldingballerina123 Fri 04-Apr-14 18:40:58

I have some experience of this.

The hurtful things he says , his aggression , and threatening to take ds with him if he leaves is not on , regardless of what's happened in the past. It sounds like you reached the end of your tether , but changed your mind when he said you've been triggering him , now your mortified and feel guilty . Why ? . He could have told you at any time he didn't like that particular touch , and he didn't need to say why.

I think it's admirable you want to support your husband and your bil but you don't need to do it to the point where you are accepting bad behaviour from him. This requires professional help that you can't provide. As an adult it's his responsibility to deal with this , it's not something you can do on his behalf. Perhaps encourage him to seek more counselling but I'm afraid that's all you can do along with listening if he wants to talk.

Periods of withdrawal with him and ds , saying hurtful things and being aggressive ect should not be tolerated. I totally understand what your dealing with , but it's not ok that it should effect the whole family in this way. You are not the person to talk to about this , that goes for bil too. He won't be able to talk to you properly for fear of upsetting you , and you have your own emotions About it to cope with. Any talking about it is likely to just go round in circles with no direction.

Professional counselling will be different , they have the skills and the emotional distance to guide him through the various stages he needs to go through. I'm sure some will think me harsh , but I'm not sure I think it's fair to put this on a spouses shoulders in this way. If he needs help then he needs to seek that out , not just look to you for sole support . You might want to consider some counselling for yourself , privately , as this can take a massive toll on your own emotional well being.

backtofrontupsidedown Fri 04-Apr-14 19:52:47

No bad, I don't for one moment agree it is, the aggression to be fair is more out of frustration, his taking dis, is a cheap shot, I know this as does he. Likewise we both know it's not going to hppen

Trust me when I say I know my hubs, he isn't a monster he isn't in any way abusive himself, I've suggested he go back to counselling and likewise will monitor him in that respect.

He's chosen not to tell me until now, and I understand why, I'm not excusing him or any irrational behaviour he has, my first thought is for my boys, they come above everyone even hubs he knows this and likewise knows I won't stand for it. Our family is built on honesty truth and nurturing, he's got something I can't understand or ever fully know about I accept that, and likewise realise there's going to be bumps in the road, but it's a road we will talk together, if he's got to do bits on his own, that's fine we will still be here after.

To point out he honestly is the most generous and kindest man I know, having left an abusive xh I know the signs to watch for. But thank you.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Apr-14 20:00:08

That is excellent advice you have had so far.

I have nothing further to add except to implore you look after yourself first and foremost. This is a hard road to travel for both of you

Good luck x

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now