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Am I a terrible bitch to DH? Quite long and self involved!(109 Posts)
Background is I have spent the last five days staying at DBs flat other side of country with my two children. DH stayed at home to do work although three of those days were weekend and annual leave for his birthday.
Baby ds fell ill whilst i was there. Hospital visit but turned out to just be virus. I ended up extending my stay as could not face five hour train journey with constantly crying 10 month old baby. I had v little sleep whilst I was there. Ds was coughing and screaming all night, everynight. I come home on day 5 as ds has improved. On the train my DD starts vomiting just into the journey then she faints. She has blood sugar problems so this has happened before. It was very stressful to say the
least, but I managed to stay calm and deal with her throwing up and collapsing, and with a toddling cranky 10 month old stuck between carriages as we had no seats for the first two hours.
I texted DH who offered to collect us. Sweet but impractical. I asked him if he could please please meet me off train on platform as had a wobbly 4yr old in pushchair, a free range baby, backpack and two other bags. He didn't, choosing instead to amble down platform whilst I got a stranger to help. I snapped at him. 'Thanks for helping me off the train'. His face fell and I basically got passive agressive distant treatment for a while as is the usual form, however, I did apologise later on and organised presents (actually his birthday that day) and a takeaway and put kids to bed, cleared up the vomit laden bags and buggy. Not quite in that order! He remained frosty with me for some time despite all of this.
I slept with both kids in our bed as Dd was up in night retching etc and I was worried about her blood sugar. Baby was also up four times in night. I breastfeed btw. Dh had a nights sleep downstairs on sofa. So night six of hardly any sleep for me... my ds seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Coughing and crying, my Dd now has diarrhoea. DH asks what is wrong with baby and I was pretty sarcastic. 'He has a virus, I had to take him to hospital remember?' DH gets stroppy. 'Do you realise how horrid and snappy you've been since you got back?' and then he starts up the sulky treatment again.
I can't deal with it. I am SHATTERED. I have two sick children, I also have a cold. I cannot deal with DH disappearing in a sulk because I was sarcasti to him. Surely a grown man can see I am at the end of my tether and need support?
So i lost my temper big time. I roared at him, shouted, cried. Called him a child. My poor girl was scared and frightened. I stomped out of the house to go to the post office and cooled down a bit. When I got back I have been told that I 'devalue and discredit' my DHs arguments, that it is unreasonable for me to shout him down and call him names. He shouldnt
have to put up with me being stroppy and grumpy... and he has nothing to apologise for. He actually rarely apologises for anything.
second round right now - I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him and want to get out of the house away from him. I've never spoken to him like that before.
Things have quietened down now.
Am I a horrible horrible person? I feel wretched.
What Goldmandra said. Under the circs you were only human to blow your top I think.
In the interests of preserving family life and not having a hateful weekend it might be good to sit down with DH and to simply say I am sorry to have gone off at you like a raving loony but I was out of my mind with sleep deprivation and you taking mortal offence at me being short with you didn't help matters.
I think it might be helpful to acknowledge to him that you both have very different behaviour patterns where rage and conflict are concerned and that neither are healthy. Then see what you can agree together to address it.
I have a habit of letting things build until I go off the deep end too. DH hates a row and will either do exactly what your DH does or laugh at me. Neither gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling towards him.
We've agreed that I'll try to flag my irritation levels to him earlier and he'll try to accept that it's normal to p*ss someone off every so often, and to make amends and get over it, not turn it into the 100yr silent war.
Hope the children recover over the weekend and you can both get some downtime.
Reallybigdog? you think he should leave me? Tear his family apart
Absolutely. I wouldn't take that shit.
Goldmandra your posts made me cry.
I hope you'll be able to find a way to explain it to him at some point soon. He needs to understand how his behaviour is affecting you and how it will affect his children and learn better ways to express himself.
Do you think it might help to write it all down so you can clarify your thoughts and say it all in carefully selected words rather than speaking off the top of your head in the heat of the moment?
I think bigdog888 is best ignored.
bigdog888 i dont think the OP needs someone like you telling her a load of bullshit - clearly you have never been stressed in your life and shouted at someone. How ridiculous - if you are married then your marriage will never survive if you're going to divorce ur partner as soon as the going gets tough.
OP ignore stupid comments like this - so you shouted at him, big deal. Youre stressed to the max and sleep deprivation does crazy things to your state of mine. Ive been there and i was a crazy person, and i came through it. You marry for better or for worse, its not like you physically attacked him i dont understand what the big deal is.
He will just carry on exactly how he is now if he doesnt see you snap to realise just how stressed you are. Dont make a big thing out of it,once the kids get better you will feel better and things will start getting back to normal.
No I didn't physically attack him. There was and never has been, and never will be any violence. It was verbal. Me crying telling him he had let me down. I shouted and said he was a fucking child. Largely me asking for help and telling him how distressed and tired I was, then when he started the whole I need anger management I lost it and told him I hated him at that moment.
I think I will ask for this thread to be moved to relationships.
just be wary posting on here and expect certain people to have negative views as some people are unable to see anything from anyone elses point of view but their own.
Honestly this sort of thing is expected with small children, dont beat urself up about it. He was being un helpful - most men are when it comes down to the children as the mums are just expected to be the one holding the family together so i doubt you will change him. however just explain to him why you are so stressy and angry with him - if he loves and supports you he will understand and try to help more or at least offer to run you a bath every now and then. you could probably benefit by some couple time too, a cheap meal for 2 for a few hours or a trip to the cinema to rekindle old times. it really does make a difference and will remind you of how the 2 of you were before all the stress.
Oh no don't get me wrong I have been through plenty of stressful times and snapped at people etc. However, for me "I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him and want to get out of the house away from him" would be a step too far. I would never say something like that to someone I supposedly love and if anyone said that to me they'd be kicked out the door so fast their feet wouldn't touch the ground.
That seems pretty delicate bigdog. Marriage is up and down.
i think if someone did actually say that to you - someone who you married and said you would spend the rest of your life with - you would think twice about actually ending the rship just because of this. It's not a hugely bad thing to say considering the circumstances.
people say things they regret or dont mean when theyr angry and under huge amounts of stress - its called the ups and downs of marriage.
OP, don't beat yourself up about having lost your cool with him. His 'sulking' is passive aggression and put you neatly 'in the wrong'. No wonder you then voiced your needs in an explosion. It seems to me his silent treatment wasn't designed to let you both cool off and build bridges, but was clearly designed to make sure you knew just how 'bad' you had been, without his having to face a real conversation with you.
He's been the knob here, not you. You sound like a mega-mum to me. I'd have been on the phone demanding DH collected me from DB's house in person, never in a million years would I have faced the train journey you describe.
And what's more - it is perfectly possible to share night duties when BFing. I had twins and (stealthboast alert) my DH didn't miss a single feed... he got DS up; I fed DS while he got DD and did her nappy and gave him a cuddle. I fed DD while he did DS's nappy and gave him a cuddle. TBH I never even got out of bed... he did the fetching and putting back in cots. Misting up here thinking about those happy times! (they're 16 now and he's not doing so good on parenting teens!)
Bigdog, fair enough if that works for you. However I think it's parr for the course when people are driven to the end of their tether. The point is when we feel our needs are utterly overlooked and swamped, humans don't behave at their best. If you love someone then equally it would be reasonable to expect them to care for your well being both physical and psychological - and for them to forgive you for saying stupid things. Do you really only offer 'love' that means "I love you (as long as you're nice to me)'? Of course not. Love means you love the person - not their behaviour.
I would never say something like that to someone I supposedly love and if anyone said that to me they'd be kicked out the door so fast their feet wouldn't touch the ground.
I'm sure you'd enjoy the drama and martyrdom immensely but perhaps not the future so much
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
One of us needed (and got) anger management.. it wasnt me.
I think you should have taken DH up on the offer of being picked up from your brother's. How impractical could it have been, compared to the option you took? He really tried to help you out then to be fair to him.
Sulking is ridiculous though, and I would snap at that too.
OP, I don't think you were abusive and I recommend writing a note.
"I don't hate you, I love you. I am just at breaking point due to stress and sleep deprivation. Please don't sulk and talk to me properly."
Haiku, you are the most annoying poster I have ever encountered, on this forum or any other.
Without knowing what
Forums or posters you know,
That might not mean much.
I think your husband sounds like he needed a kick up the arse really. Coming to meet you but being a muppet about practical stuff is annoying for you when you sound like you're at the end of your tether. It's tough because you're breast feeding but it does sound like DH could do with being up all night with the kids whilst you get some sleep.
I think there's some sanctimony on this thread and you should give yourself a break.
this bit "Please don't sulk" is going to put him straight back on the defensive.
Haiku, you've not hit a clue what a haiku is
bigdog, wow, you must be lonely
op, hope you're ok after a rest
The whole lift thing... I would have had to get off the train with a fainting puking child, all my bags and grizzly 10 month old, get in a taxi at huge cost to travel the half an hour back to Dbs... again with a vomiting child. Then wait six hours for DH to arrive at about 9pm. Most likely spend anothrr night at DBs then do a v long journey home with child with d & v and a ten month old who really travels badly.
Under those circumstances I thought it would be best to stay put.l as we'd be home in about 4 and half hours.
You do need a break and some sleep!!! Can he look after he eldest while you sleep with youngest this week?
Yy OP - I don't think people realised you were already on the train when the lift was offered.
You haven't slept for six days, cut yourself some slack. . He needs to get off his backside and help out - why is he not helping with nights?
Sorry, I am reading this thread backwards of some reason - I can see he is helping out now.
Does he understand that this comment you made will impact on how you both behave under stress? He was seriously emotionally and verbally abused by a narcissistic father so is a very timid man in general who can't cope with any kind of confrontation. He was also taught to never express his feelings. I come from a similar background but shouting and anger were everyday occurrences.
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