Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I a terrible bitch to DH? Quite long and self involved!(109 Posts)
Background is I have spent the last five days staying at DBs flat other side of country with my two children. DH stayed at home to do work although three of those days were weekend and annual leave for his birthday.
Baby ds fell ill whilst i was there. Hospital visit but turned out to just be virus. I ended up extending my stay as could not face five hour train journey with constantly crying 10 month old baby. I had v little sleep whilst I was there. Ds was coughing and screaming all night, everynight. I come home on day 5 as ds has improved. On the train my DD starts vomiting just into the journey then she faints. She has blood sugar problems so this has happened before. It was very stressful to say the
least, but I managed to stay calm and deal with her throwing up and collapsing, and with a toddling cranky 10 month old stuck between carriages as we had no seats for the first two hours.
I texted DH who offered to collect us. Sweet but impractical. I asked him if he could please please meet me off train on platform as had a wobbly 4yr old in pushchair, a free range baby, backpack and two other bags. He didn't, choosing instead to amble down platform whilst I got a stranger to help. I snapped at him. 'Thanks for helping me off the train'. His face fell and I basically got passive agressive distant treatment for a while as is the usual form, however, I did apologise later on and organised presents (actually his birthday that day) and a takeaway and put kids to bed, cleared up the vomit laden bags and buggy. Not quite in that order! He remained frosty with me for some time despite all of this.
I slept with both kids in our bed as Dd was up in night retching etc and I was worried about her blood sugar. Baby was also up four times in night. I breastfeed btw. Dh had a nights sleep downstairs on sofa. So night six of hardly any sleep for me... my ds seems to have taken a turn for the worse. Coughing and crying, my Dd now has diarrhoea. DH asks what is wrong with baby and I was pretty sarcastic. 'He has a virus, I had to take him to hospital remember?' DH gets stroppy. 'Do you realise how horrid and snappy you've been since you got back?' and then he starts up the sulky treatment again.
I can't deal with it. I am SHATTERED. I have two sick children, I also have a cold. I cannot deal with DH disappearing in a sulk because I was sarcasti to him. Surely a grown man can see I am at the end of my tether and need support?
So i lost my temper big time. I roared at him, shouted, cried. Called him a child. My poor girl was scared and frightened. I stomped out of the house to go to the post office and cooled down a bit. When I got back I have been told that I 'devalue and discredit' my DHs arguments, that it is unreasonable for me to shout him down and call him names. He shouldnt
have to put up with me being stroppy and grumpy... and he has nothing to apologise for. He actually rarely apologises for anything.
second round right now - I told him out of earshot of children that I currently hate him and want to get out of the house away from him. I've never spoken to him like that before.
Things have quietened down now.
Am I a horrible horrible person? I feel wretched.
I think you need to give him a night looking after the dc and see how he feels after it! He needs to get over himself! You sound like a super woman btw!
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
He does have a lot to apologise for
so do you
you are exhausted. You need to ask for things,not take it all on yourself only to break under tje strain.
don't get big ideas whenbyou are this physically exhausted. Go ask for your DP to take over whilst you sleep.
Yes I think i have broken under the strain. There is more to it. My DB has anxiety problems so it is hard work spending too long with him. It is stressful. I also have a health condition that affects my mobility and my back and knees are painful as well.
i know I sound 'poor me' but sometimes I feel my DH has no real understanding about the physical and mental strain I am under every day.
All I want is a bit of help, a cuddle and a cup of tea and sme understanding as to why I am not Mary Poppins all the time.
I am ashamed. I properly lost my rag.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Don't be ashamed. It sounds like you've had a horrid time of it and he's taking no notice at all!
He DOES have things to apologise for. I agree that you need to ask him for help. I don't think you should have to but he clearly isn't going to offer.
I think you both need to be a bit kinder to each other.
I'd be devastated if my life partner spoke to me the way you have spoken to your DH and I've never spoken to anyone like that in my life, despite two failed relationships!
But we're all human and we can all lose it from time to time under the right provocation, and you've had a bloody awful week.
If it's a one-off because you're under so much pressure, I think your DH should not only forgive you for it, but should actually be apologising for his part in not understanding how difficult it is for you and for not being more supportive and offering more help. And then he should put his money where his mouth is and actually be more supportive and do his fair share.
When things have calmed down a bit, I'd recommend a good long chat about the division of labour, fairness, each achieving the same amount of child-free leisure and rest time, and how you can work together as a team to achieve that.
Hope you feel better soon.
I think you have a point. Both your children are sick and your dh should have been looking after one of them in the night. As you are feeding the baby then he should have taken over with your dd.
I feel so sorry for you, op, you have had a really really difficult week (to say the least) and now your dh can't man up and take over a bit and gets in a sulk if you snap at him.
I hope the children get better soon. As a family, our lowest points have always been when the children are ill.
I think you are both being unreasonable. He should be doing more to relieve the strain on you looking after your children whilst they are sick and you've been lacking sleep. But your attitude towards him over this, screaming and shouting sounds absolutely terrible.
I think your actions just sound exactly that of a woman who has way too much stress on her plate and you have just exploded. And quite frankly i would have reacted a lot worse than you - unless you sugar coated what you exactly said to your DH in the 2 arguments?
Most of the time the (but not always) the men dont ever get pushed far enough to become stressed out with the children as the women tend to take the lead and as soon as it gets tough the kids get thrown back to the mum so they never really experience true stress that mums do because they always have that reassurance that there is someone else to pass up to if theyve had enough.
Its hard with young children, i think its the toughest test for a relationship, so dont be too hard on yourself - so you snapped, most people would have in your shoes done a lot worse.
Maybe you could arrange a babysitter for a few hours one evening this weekend so the 2 of you can have some couple time together?
I'm human and find it v hard to go six days with hardly any sleep. My dh informs me that he needs at least eight hours or he is grumpy... but that is ok.
I love him and we have a good marriage. He generally pulls his weight with regards to kids but doesn't do nights as I breastfeed.
It is the constant expectation that I can go without sleep, look after the kids and still be Smiley and sweet. As soon as I get even slightly terse, I get punished with distant/silent treatment. I am sick of it. It's why I threw a wobbly today. I told him to grow up and stop acting like a sulky child. The priority is our sick children and then his stressed out wife, NOT that I made a sarcastic remark. Sometimes I don't even know what I have said to get the cold shoulder.
I've behaved appallingly and broken down in front of everyone. I have no help apart from DH. I just want to curl up under the duvet and sleep for a week. I don't know how to make it right.
Call me thick - and Im genuinely not looking to start a fight here - but for the love of god, how does anyone get any sleep ever if a baby is feeding constantly?
No one can help you if you BF. That's just an observation, not an accusation.
I think you are both wrong and argumentative. However sleep deprivation is a killer. That needs to be sorted out immediately. So he gets to deal with the children, bring you the baby when it needs a feed and you stay in bed for 2 days,
Its ok to be really upset, you are having a shitty time.
I have a dh who can be a bit "but what about me? you're being rotten to meeeeeeeeee" when I'm stressed and I just tell him straight that I'd appreciate it if he didn't add to my stress levels by giving me something else to worry about.
You'll have to talk about this when everyone is feeling better so that you have a plan in place for next time. It is absolutely NOT on for your dh to always get his 8 hours when you do not. And it isn't a small thing, either, that is a major problem in a relationship where little children and babies need to be looked after during the night.
Oh OP. So you asked him to meet you and he was there but not at the train door and you were snappy and rude in public. Not nice. OTH he could have helped a bit more once you were home and in the night but if that's how you behaved in public I can see why he went silent.
Why were you away for 5/6 days anyway? Was it a break for you or a break for him. Presumably he has three clear days to rest and have his own space and needs to be a bit grateful for that.
I'm sorry you are feeling poorly and stressed. Can you just ask nicely for some help and apologise for being snappy and for losing it. Then, when this has blown over both of you need to sit down and have a proper talk.
I think it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.
You're ill and have spent five days lookiing after sick children - that's horrible, especially when you add on the sleep deprivation and the travel. But, he did offer his help (to pick you up) and you turned him down. He probably felt a bit pushed out when he offered to help and you said no, and then the first thing you said to him was rude and terse.
That's no excuse for him keeping it up all day, though. He should have taken the kids off you and sent you to have a bath or a nap for some peace for a bit, birthday or not. You need to catch up on some sleep and get better. It's nearly the weekend - tell him you're ill and he has to look after the kids while you recover.
You said some horrible things, which you should appologise for.
However he has not taken his share of the burden, and it's incredibly childish going into a sulk and giving you the cold shoulder.
If I were you I would appologise for the hurtful things I said, and tell him that I am at breaking point and he needs to do all the night wakings for a few days. Bed down on the sofa, let DH have both children in bed with him and he brings you the baby to feed only. He does all the rest of it.
Oh, poor you OP. Your husband sounds a lot like mine - sulks when I snap, even under circumstances where you'd normally snap - like two small sick children for a week on your own?
It sounds as though you were grumpy, you snapped, and he escalated rather than being understanding of your situation. I would be a bloody mess if I stepped off a train after a journey like yours.
Yikes you've had a terrible week and must be exhausted and at the end of your tether.
I can see it from your dh's point of view though - he offered to pick you up, you were probably short/snappy in reply right? It's his birthday and the first thing he gets is you laying into him. It, quite simply, and with the best will in the world put him in a terrible mood. It would me too - it's a natural response to being criticised and shouted at.
My dh was useless in the nights - he just could never wake up and I felt great resentment. One night when all three were sick, I was up every 20 mins. In the morning he said 'wow that went amazingly well, did any of them wake up?'. Still angry now - that was about 7 or 8 years ago!
Both apologise. He needs to help more and give you a break NOW.
HowContraryMary - I Bf my baby, and it caused hellish nights. Without veering this thread off course - a DP can help. They can't give you 12 hours of uninterrupted sleep, but they can definitely make it more bearable for you.
Still angry now - that was about 7 or 8 years ago!
I get pissed off every single time i think about the nights with babies and toddlers & my husband.
Actually you've probably done yourself a favour by losing your temper. Sometimes I think we (mother's mostly) just put our heads down and get on with things because we have to.
We had prem twins and at one point I was, like you, completely shattered both physically and emotionally and totally lost my rag - I screamed, shouted and stomped about the house, and eventually shut myself in a bedroom for a couple of hours and let him get on with it. DH was stunned because I'd never done it before (nor have I since), and only then really did the penny drop as to how exhausted I was and we managed to sort ourselves out.
You have shown to your DH that you have reached breaking point and need more from him - you're neither a bad parent nor partner, just a worn out one.
Depends how much form he's got for making every situation All About Him. He offered to meet you and you asked him to meet you on the platform, which he didn't do. He doesn't seem to have done anything useful since you got back, despite the fact that you have two sick kids to deal with - he's just sulking. Do you really want to keep him around?
All sounds normal to me. You are at breaking point and he's bot pulling his weight. Consequence is you snapped. Tbh it doesnt sound much different to the type of argument I have with my dh on a fairly regular basis. I can't be the only one......
With hindsight (and I'm not saying this is how it should be, but how perhaps you have to do it), you need to specifically ask your DH to do things.
So, I need to be helped off the train, your children are poorly.
You need to look after DD in the night whilst I feed the baby. You cannot sleep all night on the sofa.
You need to look after the children for a few hours whilst I get some sleep.
You need to look after them again whilst I get a bath.
Yes, he should do it without you asking, but until you can have a calm conversation you need to spell it out.
And he needs to stop sulking and you need to stop feeling guilty. Until je properly shares the load (and children aren't always poorly all the time), he is not doing his job.
Join the discussion
Please login first.