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Scared to be single parent- positive stories needed!

(18 Posts)
mathanxiety Fri 04-Apr-14 20:24:01

<waves to LaLa>

Peace is precious in a home and in the lives of children, and without an abusive partner, peace is free.

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 03-Apr-14 20:37:44

Knowing that you no longer have to walk on egg shells. Not worrying that dc will end up emulating his behaviour. Not having to see him shake your toddler or your older dcs terrified face.
It's been hard but so much easier than staying with a confusing, temperamental, angry partner. I saw a woman speaking to her partner in the supermarket with total disdain today...and all I thought was phew, none of that!
Building your support network is the most important. If you are thinking about being a single parent, you probably already know in your heart of hearts what is the healthy choice for you and your child. Good luck.

Dahlen Thu 03-Apr-14 14:58:19

Single parent since my DTs were babies and I left their father who after 6 happy childless years took it upon himself to become abusive once I was pregnant. I put up with it during pregnancy because there was no physical abuse at that point and because I didn't want to be the parent of children from "a broken home" (stupid phrase - it was broken when we were together and leaving was the first step towards fixing it).

I have never looked back. The worst thing about it was financially struggling in the first few years, because childcare bills were crippling. I went back to work 6 weeks post partum and was back full time by 3 months.

I'm not going to underplay the financial hardship side of things. That was seriously hard. But I'd go through it again, any time, if the alternative was remaining in a relationship that left me feeling like I could no longer trust my own judgment, that my needs came, where everything was my responsibility, where I no longer liked and recognised the person I'd become in a bid to 'keep the peace' in the relationship, where I worried about the example we were setting and atmosphere we were creating to raise our DC in - in short, a relationship in which I sold myself short - and by extension my DC (who were very much more my responsibility).

The day I left - with literally the clothes on my back and two newborn babies - I felt freer, prouder and happier (if terrified) than I had done in a long time. After a couple of hard years financially, during which I did a lot of soul searching about myself and my relationships, I emerged much stronger and far more confident than I'd ever have believed possible, and TBH it has set me on to bigger and better things than I'd have ever dreamt of had I still been in that relationship.

JabberJabberJay Thu 03-Apr-14 14:29:05

I'm much happier being a single parent than I was married to my ex.

I do find it hard sometimes. But it is not as hard as being married to a selfish, financially abusive and manipulative man.

What in particular are you worried about OP? Let us know and perhaps we can help.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 03-Apr-14 14:21:22

As someone who has been a single parent from birth and whose DS is coming up to 14yo I have had few times when I found it 'scary'. Challenging, certainly. The baby/toddler years are tiring, expensive and it's more difficult to socialise. However, when there's just you responsible for your DC, there's no arguing about whose turn it is to make up the bottles or do bath-time... it's always your turn. smile So you roll up your sleeves and get on with it rather than having to deal with another person getting in your way. Personally, I find that quite rewarding.

littlecrystal Thu 03-Apr-14 13:36:40

DumbleDee you are my inspiration. When you say "I was a single parent" do you mean that you have met somebody since?

BornToFolk Thu 03-Apr-14 11:52:22

It's fine, you can do it! And I say that as someone who actually had a supportive, involved partner (until he left me for someone else...hmm)
The prospect scared me too and it is hard work. I find the mental side of it tougher than anything else, knowing that I am responsible for EVERYTHING.
However, it's very freeing. I can do what I want with DS. I have a good routine going that works well for us and I think we're closer than ever. He sees his dad every other weekend and during the week too so continues to have a good relationship with him and even though he wishes we were still together, in general he's a happy and secure boy.

What family support have you got available OP?

KellyElly Thu 03-Apr-14 11:37:59

Believe me it's more lonely being in a bad relationship than it is to be alone. Splitting with my ex was the best thing for me and DD.

I love the expression "better alone than badly accompanied"! It's bloody true as well. I left my husband because he was an unreasonable, occasionally shouty, hoarding, controlling arse and I didn't want DS growing up around that or learning how to treat his future partner like his father treated me. STBXH is, to give him his due, devoted to DS and a surprisingly good co-parent and I feel like I now have the best of all possible worlds.

Would it help you to tell us more about your P and your circumstances? How old is DC and do you work, for instance?

gaggiagirl Thu 03-Apr-14 09:08:03

Best thing I ever did! My 3yr old DD and I have a lovely little life since I LTB.

DumbleDee Thu 03-Apr-14 08:58:39

I was a single parent from my eldest being 6 my youngest being 3. I had a FT senior job, both my parents are dead. Had to juggle childcare, after school clubs etc. Never ever regretted it. My eldest is an a* student with a sports scholarship, my youngest just got all L5 on his SATS and is musically gifted.

It's tough, and things like being the one to always put the bins out, or change the lightbulbs used to almost send me under.

In hindsight I wouldn't have changed a thing!

meiisme Thu 03-Apr-14 07:48:52

Same here. When people express pity for as a lone parent of two with no family or friends around, I look at them as if water is burning. Because although it's tiring to always be responsible for everything, it's a million times better than trying to protect them from his screaming, put-downs, sudden moodswings and worrying that one time he would seriously lose control and hurt them.

Then he did, and the police took him away, and now the DC are comfortable at home and.with friends, happier, more confident.

So yes, it's hard, but much less hard than parenting/living with him.

MexicanSpringtime Thu 03-Apr-14 03:04:50

To translate a Mexican maxim, "better alone than badly accompanied".
I had already split up from my daughter's father before I knew I was pregnant but all through her life, if ever I felt lonely and that I would like to have a partner to share my problems with, I only had to conjure up her real father in my mind to realise how fortunate I was.

You'll blossom, OP. Because you'll be your own person with no-one to drag you (or your dc) down.

MargotThreadbetter Thu 03-Apr-14 01:27:07

Single parent since I told ex I was pregnant!
Raising DS alone and loving it smile
The only down side is the lack of social life (can't afford babysitters) and exhausting toddler years...

You will be in control of your life, and your child will grow up happier not seeing their mother dealing with 'hot tempered' father...
Do it - you won't regret it!

geologygirl Thu 03-Apr-14 00:36:07

Became single when ds was 9mths. Has heen tough, but so much better not having an abusive and volatile person around. My son has flourished through having a better home environment and I've got mysrlf back, after being half a person for so long. I lost all my friends and confidence when with him...but now I've got it all back and its amazing what you can actually do. No more walking on eggshells.

LalaDipsey Thu 03-Apr-14 00:20:04

Much better, H left a year ago and it's much better. No more yelling, throwing things, no more worrying about his temper, no more wondering what mood he's in before knowing what mood I'm in,
Yes it's hard at times, but it was harder with him here.

Lookingforabetteryear Thu 03-Apr-14 00:17:53

Have a child with partner. He's improved but can be v hot tempered and hard to deal with. I'm trudging on but I know it's no good for me. I'm scared to be a single parent I think but know it's for the best....

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