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Relationship built on lies - reveal or keep going?

(58 Posts)
Notafixer Wed 02-Apr-14 21:25:19

To cut to the chase, I cheated on my partner on and off for the first six months of our relationship. It started accidentally. I meet my boyfriend, I happened to meet someone else at nearly the same time, I agreed to go out for a drink with both and it snowballed... I kept pushing the other guy back and my boyfriend became my boyfriend, but the other guy never entirely left the scene and we slept together a few times.

My boyfriend and I broke up a couple of times over this period so it's not like he ever thought our relationship was all rainbows. On some levels I think he knows about the other bloke but he's never asked me out right. I don't really have an excuse for it, except it just kind of happened, the other guy was very persistent and I was bit of a mess. I met them both about six months out of a six year relationship and I'd decided that I absolutely wasn't looking for a relationship at that point. The problem is of course that now I've realised how wonderful my boyfriend is, or rather I'm in a better place to appreciate that.

It is now definitely, 100% over with the other guy and I'm looking forward to pursuing the relationship with my BF without complications. The problem is I'm not sure if I should come clean or take this as a fresh start and just be a better person. Friends know but I'm pretty sure they'd be discreet. I'm just very aware that accidents happen - I remember a thread here a few months ago where a woman overheard a chance remark about her fiancee's early infidelity at their engagement party and called the wedding off. If we are going to build a future part of me would rather do so knowing there aren't any surprises that could derail it. But the selfish part of me would rather just keep quiet. I know it's not fair to give him the wrong impression of who I am, but as I say above, our relationship has been rocky so it feels less dishonest than it could do IYSWIM.

LadyHH Fri 04-Apr-14 18:52:40

Don't tell him. I stupidly told my DP about an affair I had 10 years before met him. Our relationship has never recovered and he considers me a liar for not telling him I was the sort of person who would do that. Don't make the same mistake I did. The chances of it coming out by some other means are slim. Mind you my DP is an unreasonable B!

Springheeled Fri 04-Apr-14 19:00:25

I am intrigued by the dynamics of this as I guess I have been person B in the past in this kind of scenario. I would not want to swap places with person A though, in a million years.

jellybelly29 Fri 04-Apr-14 22:00:02

This scenario is odd. Why did you carry on with the other guy for so long, and why are you still with your boyfriend now? Did you really want the other guy but he just wasn't interested enough?

We can't all have everything we want, of course. It's bad that it carried on for so long, but if you want to be with your boyfriend long term, no good will come of telling him now. Decide if you want him, or just a relationship (and if it's the latter, end it).

Otherwise, work on what your relationship is now. It's not 'built on lies' (stop being such a drama queen), focus on what you've got and giving it your all.

Just because bad things have happened in the past it doesn't mean that you can't have a good and meaningful partnership now. But make sure you are honest with yourself about why you're still with him.

Twinklestein Fri 04-Apr-14 22:07:16

This relationship has one shot of working out: coming clean and her bf liking her enough to essentially start the relationship again, and build up up the trust from scratch. Otherwise, it's fucked.

Notafixer Sat 05-Apr-14 10:03:06

Did you really want the other guy but he just wasn't interested enough?

No. It was the opposite in fact. I supposed I realised early on it wasn't going to be a goer but he was so persistent and I guess I was flattered with the persistence. Plus as long as I kept both on the go it meant I didn't have to make decisions, could tell myself I wasn't really getting into a relationship etc.

Calling it "built on lies" isn't about being a drama queen, I'm trying not to minimise. During the six months I had all kinds of reasons why it was fine and now I'm just trying to be honest with myself that it wasn't.

And it's him, not a relationship. If it was just a relationship I could get another one before the summer ends, and one with far less chance of blowing up! But he is special.

This relationship has one shot of working out: coming clean and her bf liking her enough to essentially start the relationship again,

As I said above, I am confident we could work through this, so I'm actually not convinced it's helpful to upset him and make him question things he doesn't need to question.

Twinklestein Sat 05-Apr-14 10:40:49

I agree with you that describing your relationship as 'built on lies' is not being a drama queen it's just calling it like it is.

If you're so confident that you can work through this then you'd tell him now. It's because you fear you couldn't, and you want to manipulate him into being with you, that you don't.

But hey, it's your life, it's no skin off my nose what you do.

Offred Sat 05-Apr-14 15:48:52

to upset him and make him question things he doesn't need to question.

Because from what you mention basically not even being interested in the other guy, just being pressured he absolutely does have reason to be worried because you are not in control of your sexual behaviour... Demonstrably...

Because, selfishly, this is very likely to come out and lying about it proves he has something to worry about - that you don't respect him or consider him an equal.

Because, unselfishly, this is something you should respect him enough to allow him to choose for himself.

Offred Sat 05-Apr-14 15:50:47

What you did is upsetting. How you are now choosing to handle it is going to be upsetting too. You may think he would handle the infidelity but will he handle the infidelity AND the dishonesty/disrespect?

Apart from anything else the way you describe the relationship makes it sound as though you are getting into another crap relationship with this bf.

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