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How do you think you would have reacted if it was the other woman who told you about her affair with dh?

(281 Posts)
ThreeTimesALady Tue 01-Apr-14 18:37:32

Assuming she's not somebody that you know, or have ever met.

Would it be worse than finding out for yourself?

Would you be glad you finally knew the truth either way?

Rindercella Tue 01-Apr-14 18:39:46

Are you the OW by any chance?

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 01-Apr-14 18:41:10

Are you researching?

RedRoom Tue 01-Apr-14 18:57:36

I'd be glad I knew the truth, end of.

Upnotdown Tue 01-Apr-14 18:57:49

Wouldn't make any difference to me, personally. As long as I knew. Probably make more difference to OW as I would imagine the cheat involved wouldn't be too happy about it...

kelper Tue 01-Apr-14 18:58:31

this has just happened to someone I know. she was not happy.

Are you the OW?
I think it would be the worst way to find out. But I guess better than never finding out.

Phalenopsis Tue 01-Apr-14 19:08:17

I don't think it matters who tells you. It's bloody awful either way.

LEMmingaround Tue 01-Apr-14 19:11:50

Yes, doesn't matter who tells her - the DH and the OW are both a pair of rancid cunts HTH

Teeb Tue 01-Apr-14 19:12:38

It's a very personal thing. I know a lot of people advise if you are going to reveal something like an affair you should do it face to face but I honestly can't think of anything worse than someone seeing the pain register on my face. Order of preference for being told would be my partner, then the OW, then anyone else.

tessa6 Tue 01-Apr-14 19:16:01

I think the power of having information over someone, coupled with having done them such wrong makes it worse for the cheated on person. I think it's a cruel thing to do UNLESS you know them and they consider you a friend, in which case you have a duty to tell them what you've done.

I would suggest telling the husband that he has to tell her, and threatening that if he doesn't you will, at least sees it come from the right source, if outing is inevitable. If not, ask yourself why you (or the OW…) would want to.

AnyFucker Tue 01-Apr-14 19:16:46

why do you ask ?

ThreeTimesALady Tue 01-Apr-14 19:17:12

Even if the OW was a stranger, Teeb?

Is it really always better to know, then? Even if it is OW that tells you?

Nothing to be said for living in ignorant bliss? Even maybe if the affair is over?

AnyFucker Tue 01-Apr-14 19:18:37

lots of questions from you there

are you going to answer ours ?

joanofarchitrave Tue 01-Apr-14 19:20:33

I would never want to know anyway - being told by the OW would be diabolical, in that I would have no clue what my dh meant by it or wanted to happen next. Basically it would render me utterly powerless and I would assume that was why she had taken it on herself to tell me.

ThreeTimesALady Tue 01-Apr-14 19:20:39

Okay yes, sorry.

I'm the other woman sad.

Have been for about 2 years, and I am getting more and more fed up with the situation.

Sorry sad

EauRouge Tue 01-Apr-14 19:23:17

I'd think she was either telling me to make me feel worse, or to try to relieve her guilty conscience by trying to convince herself she was doing me a favour. Either way I'd be severely pissed off.

Owllady Tue 01-Apr-14 19:23:58

Well if you are going to tell her to push him into making a decision, then I don't think you will get what you want any way sad

Phalenopsis Tue 01-Apr-14 19:24:06

Then end it with the man and find someone who doesn't treat you as second choice. You're thinking of telling his wife hoping it'll force the issue I presume? Force it yourself - tell him to fuck off.

meditrina Tue 01-Apr-14 19:28:50

If you are fed up with the situation, go over to the Baggage Reclaim site and start really thinking about why you appear to want an unavailable man, lose your own baggage, ditch the liar, and move on.

NachoAddict Tue 01-Apr-14 19:29:54

I would want to know regardless who told me. The sooner I know the sooner I could kick the toe rag out.

YellowTulips Tue 01-Apr-14 19:30:50

If after 2 years he hasn't told his wife then he has sent you a message - you are his bit on the side and he's behaving like a cunt foremost to his wife and kids (if he has any) and secondly to you.

Unlike his wife you are knowingly in this position. Telling her doesn't equal the balance. Your motivation (ie being fed up) is very self centred.

The right think to do is to leave this man if you are fed up with the situation. Not to tell his wife under the guise of "honour".

Toastandstrawberryjam Tue 01-Apr-14 19:31:49

Do they have children? Is that why he's staying?

What do you hope to gain from it? Even if you "get him" he won't have chosen you. You will always know that.

Teeb Tue 01-Apr-14 19:32:10

I'd prefer to hear it from the OW over other people simply because I'd feel I was made a fool of doubly then, if my husband didn't have the decency of being discreet and my friends and family were the ones to come to me.

What are you fed up of? Being 2nd choice? And you think if you tell the wife it will force the issue? Perhaps it will, but you do understand you'd still be 2nd choice even if she does dump him. The trouble with being an OW is it's an artificial relationship within an artificial environment, two years down the line the 'relationship' you've created only works in the sordid secret way it's been built. As soon as the secrecy evaporates all you will be left with is resentment flying in all sorts of directions.

ThreeTimesALady Tue 01-Apr-14 19:44:37

I am under absolutely no illusions that telling his wife will get me the man.

If I did that, it would affect his kids and he would hate me for it.

So much so, I don't think I would even be second choice. He would probably want nothing to do with me ever again.

But maybe this is for the best?

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