Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
So he's moved on, why can't I?(211 Posts)
This is my background:
So just found out that he is now living with someone else, someone that started at his place of work last May. A stunning, intelligent woman, 15 years younger than me.
So whilst I have been feeling like shit for over a year he has been falling in love and she will now have the life I thought I was going to have.
Oh and she's a psychologist! So if she can't see anything wrong with him maybe there isn't and I overreacted to how he treated me.
Finding the thoughts of them together gut wrenching
Oh poor you OP how awful. Don't know what to say except s*d 'em. Although of course this isn't something to be dismissed - it's a big point in a crappy emotional journey.
I feel so pathetic for feeling like this over a year on but I can't help it, I was so damaged by what he did at the end.
Feel like I was just disposed of like a piece of rubbish then a few months later he's already living with someone else.
No justice in this world!
Thanks for replying
I read your other thread and completely understand why you are so upset and still hung up over it. The expectations we have for a normal break up are...
1. Things aren't working for a while leading up to it and you both know it.
2. Some sort of attempt is made to work on the problems
3. If you do split up, they treat you with kindness and consideration
When we are denied these things we hurt.
It's not fair.
I have been through similar.
The thing is that people do just behave like this, even when we least expect it. If it's any comfort to you, this younger woman will eventually be treated the same way. People like this are capable of it...that's all there is to it.
I have similar feelings about the end of my relationship (married 14yrs, 2dc) keep trying to 'make sense' or quantifying in some way. Drives men sane. I am starting counselling for this reason because truly he is not worth all these hours of navel gazing. I feel emotionally damaged and need help to recover. Maybe you do too.
Thanks Andrea (and thanks for reading original post, it was ridiculously long!)
Firstly am really sorry that you have been through something similar and hope you are in a better place now.
You have summed it up so well, that's how a 'normal' break up should be isn't it?! Not someone still declaring their love for you and holding your hand whilst you're lying in an IVF clinic, legs in stirrups.....then ten days later bam sorry I've fallen out of love now!
I really do try and take comfort in the fact that new person will get similar treatment (actually that's wrong to say that, I don't wish a person I've never met any harm, she hasn't done anything wrong, I just mean that I try and take comfort in the fact that it wasn't just me).
Thanks for replying x
I am trying counselling, am about 4 sessions in x
This happened to me (we had 4 DCs and had been together 20 years). He just left one day with virtually no explanation. A year later, he is living in alone in a flat a few miles away (although I know that he has had casual relationships - mainly drunken one night stands - since). He still sees the children.
I was in bits when he left. There was no reason, no preamble - he just woke up one day and wanted something different. He was also very cold. Overnight, he started hating me, blamed me for all that was wrong in his life, and developed a sense on entitlement to something better than me and the kids.
There are no easy answers. It still hurts like fuck, and my self-esteem has not recovered. This isn't the life I planned.
The important thing to realise is that this isn't about you, it's about him. He is running away from himself and what he perceives to be his failings. Somehow, he believes that he can erase past regrets by starting over. It won't work (just look at his relationship history), but do protect yourself and get support/ counselling/ therapy.
What happened to you is awful! After 20 years and 4 children? Shocking!
I can't believe you have had to go through that, am truly sorry you've had that experience. I really hope life gets better for you soon.
I am really trying to make myself think like that....that it is him. I was kind of managing as in my mind I had him in this little box where he was a damaged person and would never have a successful relationship. So then to find out he is living with someone who is totally normal and a psychologist just makes me feel crap again - it makes me think that actually there's nothing wrong with him, he just fell out of love with me and they will live happily ever after in a wonderful relationship.
Thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply
This is the man who dropped you like a hot brick, and who still owes you several thousand pounds? The one who didn't quite feel able to reply when you contacted him about the debt.....but who always knows when somebody 'owes' him a thank you, for opening a door.
You are well rid of him. There's a lot wrong with him, IMO, and there's no way this could just be about 'falling out of love.'
This is what the new lady is seeing:
a highly educated, successful man. ...He was also the most charming, decent man I had ever met (or so I thought
...what's not to like! And since he's so very wonderful, she has no idea why his other relationships have broken up, but is believing whatever stories he's telling ( maybe they're getting more creative as he gets older. Who knows. ;-) )
I know it hurts right now, but you weren't to blame, and there's nothing you could have done to make a good relationship with this man. Keep breathing in and out.
You'll be through it eventually.
...keep going with the counselling too, it can really help
OP it matters not one jot the occupation or age of either your H or the OW - don't make what they did a reflection of any 'failing' on your part.
I think the more a couple have been through together the worse it feels when it comes crashing down and what you're feeling now is natural, you aren't a completely cold and emotionless individual are you?
Keep the counselling up, it really will help you sort out your boundaries with him and any future relationships.
Thanks wyrdyBird and akawisey thanks so much for your comments
wyrdyBird - you have summed it up so well, has helped me put it into perspective a bit (for now anyway, I always feel a bit better when I read advice on here but then a couple of hours later I seem to deteriorate again!). thank you and I will defo keep the counselling up
akaWisey - you're right I know these things (age etc) don't matter. There was never an 'OW' as such, this is just someone he met a few months after the split (I know some people will probably think hmmm really? but it is what's happened). So he's perfectly entitled to move on etc, it just really hurts. I'm still trying to come to terms with what he did to me whilst he is already loved up and living with someone else.
And you're right, I'm not completely cold and emotionless individual, like he was at the end.
Thanks for your replies ladies
You really should not be bothered by this news (other than feeling sorry for new woman. I bet she has no idea of how he has treated people in the past).
I know it's hard but don't let him take anymore of your precious life
Morley it really sounds like you have dodged a bullet with this guy. I can understand why you are still affected though. It's unfinished business in a way. Nothing got rounded off the way it normally would, even in the most messy break ups. You were doing ivf one minute and rug pulled from under you the next. He definitely sounds like he has something going on with him. Maybe new gf sees him as a project. She'll soon realise
thank you clouds I appreciate your reply.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, tells me the same, I have dodged a bullet which is exactly how I would feel if it had happened to one of my friends/family. I think the logical side of me knows that, I just wish my heart would catch up!
I've tortured myself thinking of all he unattractive things about me and convinced myself that that is why he did it but that's silly isn't it? Even if there was something about me, or if the relationship had deteriorated (for him) there is no excuse for his treatment of me is there?
And when I think of that, and all the little red flags about him, there must be something amiss? When we were together, if I'm brutally honest, I perhaps always thought there was something a bit 'different' about him but some of the things I read the wrong way eg I thought what a lovely old fashioned gent but really I should have been thinking 'do you not have one ounce of empathy?'
Just so hard, 90% of the time he was the ultimate gentleman, made me feel so loved and I was proud to be with him.
Thanks for replying xx
It is horrid - but if he treated you and his exes badly, he surely will treat her badly too. She just hasn't found out how bad he is yet. But the truth normally comes out at some point. He doesn't have the best history does he?
But do not try and rationalise his behaviour using your own parameters - he does not operate with the same moral code that you do, he did what he did because that is the type of person he is - and none of that reflects badly on you. It is all about him, and he has to live with what he has done to you.
And on paper the new GF may be wonderful, but in real life she may be as much of a victim here as you were. Not that that is an excuse, but you know.
I truly don't think the problem lies with you. They way he has acted is just bizarre and not "normal" behaviour. You mustn't blame yourself and think it was you. Focus on those red flags. Someone else raised an interesting point. Funny how he thinks he's owed thanks by everyone he encounters but doesn't feel he owes you the money back. That tells me all I need to know about this man. You sound lovely to me and he does not! x
thanks Lavender - no he doesn't have the best history. I know I need to stop doing that about myself. I think it is a self confidence problem, never been my strong point if I'm being honest, am hoping the counselling helps with that.
clouds - thanks. I definitely think focusing on the red flags is the way forward isn't it. Also I couldn't agree more with you, I think that is an excellent point that wyrdybird made - he is so anal about people behaving properly but doesn't even have the decency to respond to a letter about the debt (which he acknowledged a year ago by saying that he 'couldn't afford to repay it UNTIL.....'). Not even the decency of a response saying he now disagrees with it (if that is the case!)
thank you - I know I keep saying that but I really do appreciate people taking the time to read my story and let me have their views
Morley, speaking as someone in a similar position, I can tell you this.
I loved my husband. I loved him when he got fat, I loved him when he had a bad haircut, I loved him when he was selfish, I loved him when he was annoying me, I loved him when he was ill, I loved him when being his wife was inconvenient or brought stress on to me. There was nothing that could ever have happened to have made me stop loving him, or to make me not want to grow old with him. I would have had his back regardless of what life threw at us. If I had ever "fallen out of love" over time, I would have remembered who he was and would have talked to him about it and found ways to reconnect.
I don't think I loved him this way because he was better than other men. Just because I chose to love him that way. I chose to be with him for my life, which was why I married him.
Sadly, he didn't love me the same way. If he did, the option of life without me would have been unbearable, unthinkable and impossible.
I am lonely, scared, sad and miss him so much that at nights it feels like I am being ripped to shreds by a knife. I am sitting here now with tears streaming down my face.
At the same time though, I know I want to be with a man who loves me the way I loved my husband. Someone who would never leave me.
I hope you feel like you also deserve that. I think we all do?
That's such a touching, yet heartbreaking, post. So beautifully put, my heart goes out to you.
What you say about how you think he must have felt strikes a chord - I was only saying to a friend on Saturday that it musn't have been real love for him because if it was you try and sort these things out don't you? You certainly don't treat someone that, apparently means so much to you, the way he did?
The bit you say about how you feel...I absolutely relate to that and you have my sincere sympathy.
God your post has made me tearful myself now! Am about to have tears drip onto my accounts (I'm an accountant).
My counsellor says that to me - do you not feel you deserve that? I know logically I do, just trying to really believe it.
Thank you SO MUCH for your post. I genuinely hope something wonderful happens for you, and soon
Everyone's definition of "real love" is different but I think you have to make the definition for yourself in terms of what you want from "real love".
For me real love is something that endures and goes through it's ups and downs and doesn't get evaporated or shaken by little things (or big things either) and it's entwined with the commitment people make to each other to remain. It's about holding on to each other through life's journey.
I think if you FELT loved and BELIEVED he truly loved you then he probably did, but his framework for real love did not include it being "forever" or "committed" in the way you believed it to.
Same for my husband.
If that is what real love is for you too then maybe accept it wasn't what real love was for him. Maybe that was all he was capable of.
Hello morley - sorry you have been through this shit time. It sounds very painful.
I can so relate to what you say about moving on. I had a similar experience. I found out some (devestating) things about the man I had been with for 5 years and adored and within 2 hours of the discovery I had confronted him, left his place, and have never seen him since.
I think the suddeness, with no preamble is very hard to take. And it leaves you sort of hanging - with questions that will never be answered. Why did you do that? When did you stop loving me? It all goes round and round and round your head like a washing machine, driving you insane and leaving no room for anything else.
I had a bit of an epiphany after about a year when I realsed that, at the end of the day, none of that stuff mattered. Finding out (or puzzling out) the answers wouldn't change a damn thing. It wouldn't bring him back. It wouldn't mend my broken heart. In fact, in the unlikely event that the
lying wanker man ever did tell me the truth, all it would do is hurt me more so IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Try and concentrate on you and your healing. Maybe think about counselling to help you make sense of it - not of what happened but of how you feel about it.
I wish you all the very best OP because this kind of pain is just so excurtiating it's untrue x
Oh I see you are already having counselling. Keep at it then!
And Andrea your posts are so very touching. Your description of long term love is very true I think and I hope that one day you will find a man worthy of that love and man enough to be able to return it to you
Gah! A broken heart really is so painful isn't it? I could cry thinking about mine right now!
So sorry you've been through this, it's excruciating isn't it. You're right, the suddenness of it is catastrophic, like you have slammed into a concrete wall at 100 miles an hour. It literally takes your breath away.
I am trying to tell myself exactly what you say, that none of it matters anymore and what happens to me from herein is down to ME. Not him, he is history
I am going through counselling
thanks for your post xx
Join the discussion
Please login first.