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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Relationships

AIBU to be decidedly underwhelmed with dp's happy anniversary text!!

26 replies

AlbertsJoy · 27/03/2014 22:27

Have been with dp 4 years today. Got a text at 9pm wishing me a happy anniversary and saying he was off to the pub. Not a thing since!! Why do I stay with this waste of space??

OP posts:

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cerealqueen · 27/03/2014 23:18

Is that his only crime?

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AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 27/03/2014 23:21

YANBU

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Aussiebean · 28/03/2014 03:14

Maybe you should list the reasons you stay. Then decide if those reasons are worth the rest of your life.

I would be gutted if that's all I got.

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StrawberryTartYum · 28/03/2014 03:19

YANBU that's no good!

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Thumbwitch · 28/03/2014 03:20

Good question - why DO you stay with him? Perhaps this should be a time for you to re-evaluate!
Nothing until 9pm, and even then he's not taking you out, just fecking off to the pub. Nice caring bloke he sounds!

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Wurstwitch · 28/03/2014 04:18

You don't live together? Not married? Or he was off to the pub after work on his way home?

Dh gave me a card I bought myself. (He nicked it out of the box of identical cards I was using as 'thank you' for something else.

Dd1 was appalled. I pointed out that one year he gave me a card I actually MADE myself (complete with Winnie the Pooh - christening thank you cards from about 8 years previous)

I never actually remember our anniversary though, so mostly it makes me laugh. This year we celebrated with an argument about dental health benefits...

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changedirection · 28/03/2014 04:44

What did you give to him?

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FunInTheSunD · 28/03/2014 05:32

I think we need a little more info here. Are you married? As some people only really celebrate their wedding day. What did you do last year? He text you at 9pm.. for most people the day is very nearly over...have you not spoken to him all day? did you expect him to take you out then... lots of questions...

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hoboken · 28/03/2014 05:48

If you consider him to be a 'waste of space', why are you giving him space in your life?

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Iggi101 · 28/03/2014 11:06

He remembered the date, that's a start.

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AlbertsJoy · 14/04/2014 19:39

Thanks for your comments, I've been "inside my head" these last few weeks, thinking..... We're not married, nor living together. He only remembered as I reminded him of the "anniversary" the week before. My argument being, as we're not married nor ever will be, the anniversary of the day we met will be the only one we'll ever have to celebrate. He, of course, did not get my point at all. Now I've calmed down about it, I do still feel a bit hurt. He's good in lots of ways, I suppose.......not sure if I'm "settling" though??

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Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 14/04/2014 19:51

If you're not married, and not living together YABVU.
What is it an anniversary of exactly? The day you met? The day of your first date? The day you first DTD?
I have no idea what any of those dates ate for us - we barely even remember our wedding anniversary.
Some people think dates are important. Others don't. If that's the only thing you have to complain about DP, get over it!

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fuckoffbeaker · 14/04/2014 19:57

Lol I would never remember the day I met my OH, nor any other daft anniversary date

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AlbertsJoy · 14/04/2014 20:20

Obviously I'm just a hopeless romantic and he's not.......as I said, it's the only anniversary we'll have. He knows it's important to me. I do so much for him and get so little back. Note to self: Stop being a doormat!!!

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Covalone78 · 15/04/2014 07:48

Giving with the expectation of receiving is most unattractive!

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NotNewButNameChanged · 15/04/2014 08:27

AlbertsJoy - repeating someone else's question that you didn't answer, what did you give to him? Did you send him a card? Or flowers? Or offer to take him out?

Sorry, but this isn't the 1950s. It works both ways and if you're not living together then I think you're being a bit unreasonable.

Always amazes me the number of women I know that moan when their husband or partner 'only' gives them a card for their anniversary. They expect to be taken out and/or a big bouquet of flowers.... Yet they don't bother to do anything for their husband other than a card.

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FolkGirl · 15/04/2014 14:49

Oh I can't be doing with all this anniversary business. I don't celebrate my birthday, and I don't expect people to remember silly 'anniversaries'. I have no idea of the date of my first date with my boyfriend, or when we first starting talking, or when we first dtd...

I am very romantic, but nonsense such as 'celebrating' every meaningless anniversaries isn't romantic, it's needy.

IMHO.

And yes, what did you do for him?

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AMumInScotland · 15/04/2014 14:59

Some people make a big deal about anniversaries.
Some are better at doing random romantic things at other times.
Others are better at showing they care by mending the car, or bringing you cups of tea, or all sorts of non-romantic but 'caring' acts.

What matters most is that, in some way or other, he expresses his love and appreciation. And that you do the same. If those are in different ways, that's fine.

But if you honestly think he doesn't do anything, then you need to sit him down and talk about where this is going in the longer term. Not married, not living together, what is your aim for this relationship? What is his?

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hellsbellsmelons · 15/04/2014 16:24

I do so much for him and get so little back
That's very sad.
And after 4 years no kind of commitment at all?
I wouldn't be impressed and it sounds to me like you are settling.

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FolkGirl · 15/04/2014 17:51

I do so much for him and get so little back

It is sad if you feel this way. If I were you I'd stand back and look and see if this is really the case, or your perception of it.

My reason for saying this is that, in my own limited and very personal experience, 'very romantic' people (my exH for example) assume that they are in the right and that if you are in a romantic relationship then you ought to be very romantic.

One of my husband's biggest bugbears was that I didn't send him cards on 'special anniversaries' or things like send him flowers at work or think of grand overly romantic gestures. Where as I would rather spend time cooking someone their favourite meal to show that I care. But to him, that meant nothing without an accompanying Hallmark sentiment. To him it was actually preferable to receive a £2.50 card rather than the time and effort that went into something else more meaningful!

I am romantic, but I do prefer to show I care in some of the ways AMumiInScotland said. I used to pick him up from train station every evening when he was working and I wasn't. I would look forward to seeing him and if the weather was bad, not only did I still go willingly and not mind, but I made sure I was there early so he didn't have to wait at all (even if it meant I did because the train was late) and I made sure he had a cup of tea waiting for when he got back. But he looked genuinely bewildered when I pointed out this was a sign of love, because it wasn't an "I love you xxx" scribbled on a bit of paper and slipped into his pocket!

It really irritates me when I read these threads because my experience of people who complain about this have unrealistic expectations. Of course, it could be the case that he never does anything nice for you and takes advantage of you, etc, in which case, that's a different issue to being underwhelmed by a text about a non-anniversary

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FolkGirl · 15/04/2014 17:53

sorry, that last paragraph doesn't make much sense!

I've just woken up from my afternoon nap...

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Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 15/04/2014 17:57

Having this year been married 10 and together more and two dds.....

....your gonna need more oooomph if you two will be celebrating double digits and kids. If you feel this after four only.

Sorry. But it gets hard for a bit. Then, gets better. And then worse and then....

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HeggateChocolatier · 15/04/2014 18:00

Is what you have with him what you want now and for the rest of your life?

If it is, then shrug and let it go because it is your choice to have this relationship and all that comes with it. If you actually, when you think about it, want a different type of relationship - one that has a level of commitment beyond boyfriend/girlfriend perhaps - then you have to think about how you will achieve that, or even if you can achieve that with this person.

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AlbertsJoy · 17/04/2014 21:53

I didn't get him anything I admit, but only because I suspected he wouldn't get me anything and didn't want to look silly. I make a big effort to please him all year round. I do lots of little things, and big things. He promises to do things for me and then forgets or can't be bothered. His idea of pleasing me is to take me to the pub! (Not being a big drinker, I can take this or leave it). He complained last Thurs cause I didn't phone him and he fell asleep for 3 hours in the evening. So tonight I call him and get "sorry, can't talk, I'm in the pub!" I give up.

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Aussiebean · 18/04/2014 08:47

I don't really know your relationship

But after four yrs you don't live together and you say this will be the only anniversary you are going to celebrate.
In other words, this relationship is it. Presumably for the rest of your life.

Now you need to think if you happy with this. I know some couples are happy living apart. But in most cases my experience shows that if a couple has been together that long with no plans on moving forward, it generally ends.

As I said, there isn't much info here about how you two are set up but you don't sound happy with it.