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I don't know what to do. my opinion of "d"p has totally changed.

(56 Posts)
charleyturtle Wed 26-Mar-14 21:19:36

Sorry this might be long, I am very confused and have nobody to talk to so I need to just get it all out.

At the weekend DP went out with his friends for "just a few drinks" I had to stay in with the baby as we couldn't get a baby sitter. I woke up in the night and he wasn't home, this was about 4am. I sent him a txt saying I was worried and could he tell me where he was/ when he would be home. I wasn't too worried as sometimes our friends stay at eachothers houses after a night out (we are the only ones with kids so everyone elses houses are a little more relaxed). Anyway baby wakes up at 6 (normal time) and dp still isn't home. not wanting to upset the baby I stayed calm made breakfast and tried calling dp 3 times. I also sent a txt. As I pressed "send" a taxi pulled up and dp got out clearly still drunk. I saw him stand outside on our drive playing on his phone, I assumed reading my txt.

When he came in he seemed really surprised that we were all up. I thought this was odd as he must have seen my calls and txts and baby always gets up at the same time. I asked him where he was and he said he had fallen asleep when with his friends and was very annoyed that none of them had woken him up. But when I questioned hi again his story changed and he said that he didn't go to sleep at all, and went to another friends house. I told him I was annoyed with him for staying out all night and sent him to bed.

I was pretty suspicious so I looked at his phone (I know I shouldn't have) and his call history was open. I saw he called the taxi company only 15 mins before he got home. The place he said he slept is a 30 min drive away so that had to be a lie. I had to find out more so I looked at his messages there was two to a girl from his work that he had sent moments before getting in the door (must have been what he was doing when I saw him outside) they read something like "I'm really sorry, I need to take some time to think." and "I can't jeopardise the relationship I have with the mother of my child. I'm sorry".

Of course I was livid. so I called her, she ended up telling me that dp had come back to her house and tried to kiss her. but that was it.

I don't know what to do. I have confronted him. He admitted it and apologised and since then he has been very helpful with the baby and the house and seems to really be sorry. But I don't know if I can trust him again. This was the last thing I thought would happen when I saw he wasn't home. I trusted him so much I just assumed it would be something else. If he hadn't tripped up in his lie I would never have known. I have been open with him about my feelings and told him that I am looking for flats for me and the baby and I wold like him to think about how much he would be willing to contribute to the baby, both financially and in contact time. He cries and says he is sorry, he wasn't thinking etc etc. I don't think that's good enough. I think if he cared about us he would have thought about what this would do to us before going to another girls house. This is not the man I fell in love with.

Being sorry is not good enough.
The intention to cheat was there. He tried to kiss someone else. She stopped him-if she hadn't what would have happened.
He is only sorry because he got caught-he thought he had covered his tracks very well. The DP you thought you had doesn't exist--the real DP is the one who is with you right now--a cheat and a liar.
What you do is your decision, but your trust has gone, can you live with forever checking up on him?

colditz Wed 26-Mar-14 21:29:35

He cheated on you. It's up to you what you do about that, really. Do you feel that it's something you could forgive? What is your relationship like otherwise?

FanjoForTheMammaries Wed 26-Mar-14 21:31:04

Sorry but I am certain he did more than try to kiss her

Darkesteyes Wed 26-Mar-14 21:31:53

apologised and since then he has been very helpful with the baby

a. are you saying he wasnt helpful before.
b. its not actually being "helpful" its parenting his own child. This speaks volumes along with the main event you have posted about.

badbaldingballerina123 Wed 26-Mar-14 21:32:32

I'm sorry Op , I don't believe the tried to kiss her story. The text messages indicate something happened and that he needs to think ect. That's not the kind of texts you send to someone after you've been rejected. It's up to you if you want to dig further , if you do I would state to him that you're spoken to her at length and she's told you everything so he better start talking.

I feel for your, it's horrible.

Dirtybadger Wed 26-Mar-14 21:35:05

Why would he say he was sorry and needed time to think if he "tried" to kiss her. He would apologise- if she rejected him. He wouldn't say he needed time to think. That certainly sounds like there is more to this.
Speculation only.

rollonthesummer Wed 26-Mar-14 21:35:56

So where was he until 6am? He didn't just turn up at her house at 5.45am out of the blue and try to kiss her, did he?!

ForgiveMeFather Wed 26-Mar-14 21:38:53

A kiss would not be enough to justify comments such as 'I need some time to think' or mention of jeopardising his relationship with you.

I'm sorry OP but what happened between them is much more than just a kiss.

miniHovis Wed 26-Mar-14 21:44:25

gut instinct is that something more than he tried to kiss her has happened, you dont send texts like that, sorry op! i would go with dirtybadgers suggestion and say that the OW has told you everything

Finola1step Wed 26-Mar-14 21:52:20

Sorry. Another one who thinks this was more than a drunken kiss.

He's doing the classic minimising - only confessing to what you already know. Chances are, she doesn't want you knowing what really happened because she is either biding her time or not wanting the shit to hit the fan at work.

I think there is more that you will find out over the coming days. That's if you want to know.

Scornedwoman67 Wed 26-Mar-14 22:07:30

I'm so sorry OP. My XH did it. He lied too. If your DH follows 'the script' he will lie & minimise what he's done. He may drip-feed if you find out more. I would ask him to move out whilst you decide whether you can forgive the infidelity & lies. Stay on here. There are lots of us who have been there x

ItsSpringBaby Wed 26-Mar-14 22:24:29

I don't think he necessarily did more than kiss her, and I believe people are probably projecting their own issues onto the situation. Regardless of what happened it's his what his intentions were which make him guilty, alongside the fact that he was dishonest.

I don't know what to advise you really. You have to listen to your gut here. Could you ever trust him again? Perhaps you need some time and space away from him to think things over.

AnyFucker Wed 26-Mar-14 22:28:48

Firstly, why wasn't he helpful with the baby and around the house before he started to get you to STFU about his cheating ?

Secondly, he is a liar and being pissed is no excuse.

Dump him

Simplesusan Wed 26-Mar-14 22:34:36

I think they have done far more than kiss.

The texts imply that.

He is sorry for being found out, not for hurting you.

Of course he is going to be on his best behaviour now, what else can he do when he feels under threat?

Remember he had absolutely no intention of telling you the truth, he has only confessed what he feels he needs to.

VanitasVanitatum Wed 26-Mar-14 22:38:02

Agree that more happened, definitely. You need to ask him to be totally honest with you, and then maybe to leave the house for a while to give you some space to think.

TwittyMcTwitterson Wed 26-Mar-14 22:48:05

I don't necessarily think that more happened but something different possibly did. If he tried to kiss her, he wouldn't then text saying He doesnt want to jeopardise relationship with you. Could she have tried to kiss him? Seems strange that he'd not say that tho if he's been blamed for making the first move.

It's a very hard situation for you! If you want to repair the relationship, it can be done. If you want to move on, you can! You have a lot of options. You just have to decide grin

Scornedwoman67 Wed 26-Mar-14 23:00:21

You don't spend the whole night with someone, then send those texts if all that has happened has been an 'attempted' kiss. As a friend once said to me 'If the story doesn't make sense, it isn't true'

TwittyMcTwitterson Wed 26-Mar-14 23:06:31

Yes scorned, the fact it was the whole night would worry me. hmm

AnyFucker Wed 26-Mar-14 23:11:02

The most obvious explanation is usually the correct one.

StrawberryGashes Wed 26-Mar-14 23:16:43

The story and the texts don't add up, I don't believe him or her sorry. And I've not been cheated on so am not projecting as spring baby suggested.

Why would he be home so late if he tried to kiss her and then left? Where was he the rest of the night?

I'm really sorry that you're going through this

superstarheartbreaker Wed 26-Mar-14 23:24:03

Oh he is a twat. Maybe put his things in a bag outside and throw him out?

charleyturtle Thu 27-Mar-14 14:01:40

Hi, sorry I haven't been back on, didn't get a chance to use the computer.

The club they went to stays open until nearly 6 (last orders at 5ish) so it seemed plausible to me that they would be out that late, I didn't even think that he may have been at her house the whole night.

He told me that she had come on to him and he had rejected her and that is why he sent he txts like "sorry for rejecting you" kind of thing. however when I spoke to her she said almost the exact same story but with him doing the coming on to her.

He used to help with the baby when I wasn't there, but if I was there everything was my responsibility. Apart from that I thought our relationship was going really well. we had been through a really rough patch as I had pretty bad PND but I thought we might have started to get past that and I was really happy with him. We have only been together for 4 years but we went to school together and have been friends since then. I thought he was my best friend and I trusted him completely and couldn't ever imagine he would do this to me.

Right now I feel sick to my stomach, I cant even look at him. I want to try and rebuild our relationship and part of me believes that he is sorry and that he wants t make things work. But on the other hand I feel like, I loved him and he trusted me so I would never even imagine going to another mans house after a night of drinking because I wouldn't want to put any doubt in his mind about our relationship, so why doesn't he feel the same?

Does anyone know how I can try to move on? Is it even possible? My head is an absolute mess.

badbaldingballerina123 Thu 27-Mar-14 15:27:51

You won't move on till you get the truth and so far I don't think you've got it. They're not twelve , when you go back to someone's house after a night drinking , just the two of you , you tend to know what's on the cards.

Regarding the text , I need some time to think , that speaks volumes. What does he claim he needed to think about ?

charleyturtle Thu 27-Mar-14 15:44:51

He said: when i said nothing would happen (sex) she said "well why are you here then?" to which he said "i think i need to think about what I'm doing and my relationship". Or something like that.

she said: "he was asking me to kiss him and i said, how can you even ask that? You have a family. What are you doing?" and that's what he said he needs to think about.

of course i don't expect either of them to be telling me the whole truth and it really is the txt thing that i keep coming back to.

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