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Baby waking makes husband angry with me

(134 Posts)
Hubertscubert Tue 25-Mar-14 19:08:53

My husband works really hard in a demanding job, be is not the best sleeper. Our second baby has been a bit more challenging than the first as she has reflux, hence she has not been as good a sleeper as our elder daughter. Having said this relatively speaking I don't think she is too bad. She has gone from 7pm, fed at 10.30pm, then through to 6 am since about 4 months, but when she is having a bad spell (teething etc) she willwake at 4 am ( but generally go back down for. Dummy or bottle) n then it can tak a while to break the habit. If we have had a disturbed night my husband shouts or swears at me, and then I face an inquisition as to what went wrong. If I give him reasons he makes me feel stupid and it comes across as excuses. This morning dh had asked to get woken at 6 am, the baby woke at approx 5.45. Therefore he was in a mood with me, he said" what went on last night, what today's excuse? He said he asks other women and they say the baby should b going through the night now. I chose to say nothing.

nickelbabe Wed 26-Mar-14 22:28:00

last night, dd didn't go to sleep until gone midnight and despite my best efforts. spent at least an hour jumping on.dh. he had to be up at 4.20.
yet tonight, he said to dd "are you going to sleep at all tonight?"
he didn't blame me, he didn't have a go at either of us.

how many of these stories do you need before you're convinced it's not normal what you're going through?

RedRoom Wed 26-Mar-14 20:40:24

The thread wasn't about me and my medical problems, it was about someone's husband behaving unreasonably through lack of sleep. I thought that mentioning that lack of sleep- whatever the reason for it- can cause people to behave in odd ways might reassure the OP that he's not a bastard that she should leave, but that there could be other problems. I found your comment about me rather upsetting and I would not tell someone I didn't know that they were a bitch based on a brief post they had made. FWIW, my DH proposed to me during that horrible period because he understood and loved me regardless. Maybe bite your tongue before firing off insults and sarcastic responses?

FabBakerGirl Wed 26-Mar-14 19:51:34

Well, obviously I am not a mind reader and commented on what you had posted only, RedRoom.

RedRoom Wed 26-Mar-14 19:34:50

'FabBakerGirl: Redroom- being tired didn't make you a "bitch." You are using it as an excuse. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour'. Yes it did, actually. I had a recognised medical condition with the side effects of depression, irritability and mood swings. Don't judge me, please, when you know absolutely nothing about why I was so tired. As soon as I started medication, all of the symptoms went away. Sleep deprivation affects all kinds of physiological and physiological processes. It can even lead to suicidal thoughts. Hold your own judgemental thoughts.

BabsAndTheRu Wed 26-Mar-14 10:03:54

Thinking about you earlier when our 3 year old woke us all up at 5 this morning. Hope you are okay op.

mistlethrush Wed 26-Mar-14 08:58:07

I think that your baby's sleep pattern seems pretty good for her age - I certainly couldn't count on an undisturbed night (well 11 - 5.30) until DS was 18 months - and then if teething etc got in the way, they were put on hold until he'd got over it.

What would the situation be if you were to ask him to deal with all night wakings on a Friday and Saturday nights - so that you didn't have to get up on two nights (or indeed, just on a Friday) - it isn't unreasonable to expect a father to help out one night a week when he's not working in the morning.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Mar-14 08:48:37

I'm guessing that these 'other women' he talks to also tell him that the OP doesn't keep the house clean enough, doesn't cook nice enough meals, doesn't iron his shirts properly..... He shouts and swears. He's a bully. He makes the OP face inquisitions and accuses her of making excuses. He will be the type that finds all kinds of random things unsatisfactory as a way of keeping the OP down.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 26-Mar-14 08:40:12

I don't actually believe he asked any other women. My daughter slept through very early on but I know that's not very common. If he asked, say, three women, it's very unlikely they would all have had kids that slept through.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable Wed 26-Mar-14 08:05:13

He asked yo be woken at 6am

What are you his alarm clock woman?!

I would be telling him to shut up not worrying over what excuses to make

It's his baby too

And no, the other women are talking nonsense

justiceofthePeas Wed 26-Mar-14 07:57:21

Op hope you and baby got a good nights sleep last night.

How are things this morning?

justiceofthePeas Wed 26-Mar-14 07:55:17

cog afraid I thought the same. The only time I have ever heard the when he is good he is great used is me of my abusive x and others in similar situations and it could be swapped for when he stops being a prick it is much nicer.

it is what you say when you need to find a reason for why you are putting up with something.

My friends who have nice dhs don't say that. Because they don't need a reason to 'put up' with their ohs. Theirs are ok.

Thattimeofyearagain Wed 26-Mar-14 07:48:00

Is he a controlling twat in other areas of your relationship ?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 26-Mar-14 07:16:54

OP I hope you're OK this morning. I'm worried that the baby's sleep patterns are not the issue here. Yelling at you for something like this is like yelling at you for the sun coming up... i.e. he's just finding excuses to pick on you.... and I am concerned that this bullying is a regular occurrence if you are worried about saying anything. 'When he's good, he's great' is the classic response of someone who lives in fear. What else do you do that gets him angry? Does he tell you that you need to be a better wife? Do you feel that you constantly fall short?

You're right to be worried about the future because bullies rarely change.

joanofarchitrave Wed 26-Mar-14 06:26:03

And no doubt he will be on here in three years' time asking why 'you women' never seem to want to have sex and how he feels like a meal ticket. Never a moment's connection to this time when you needed him to act like an adult and he didn't

I don't say this often but - he's acting like a knob. The baby has an excuse of being a baby for crying and whinging. What's his?

TheABC Wed 26-Mar-14 06:25:48

Really not impressed at your DH, OP. On the other hand...can we swap babies?! Mine is 9 months old, still waking ravenously hungry every 3-4 hours. I am writing this whilst feeding him at 6:20 in the morning. DH is snuggled asleep next to me - but even if my baby was making a fuss, his first reaction would be to help, not blame.

InfiniteJest Wed 26-Mar-14 06:19:10

OP. I have an 11 month old DD who wakes multiple times a night. This is not unusual, she's a baby. Our baby, and our joint responsibility.

She's not my job, my husband is not my boss, and I am not accountable to him. If he were to treat me that way, I would be challenging him on his attitude.

How do you think your husband would react if you challenged him? Are you afraid of him?

Vintagecakeisstillnice Wed 26-Mar-14 02:09:58

I don't have DC, I do have sleep issues, if I slept from 11:00 to 4:00, on a normal night I'd be throwing a party. (I say normal as I'm post Surgery ATM so am on mega pain killers and dozing a lot at the minute).

Back to the point, 5 straight hours sleep is good for most people, never mind a tiny baby.

As for asking you what went wrong well what exactly is he expecting you to do?

He's a twat.

justiceofthePeas Wed 26-Mar-14 00:46:35

Op it doesn't 'make him angry' he chooses to get angry with you. He knows it is not your fault but he is hacked of so he takes it out on you.

What is your excuse today? Sounds like he actually relishes the opportunity to do you down.

Unacceptable.

When you say when he is good he is really good, is he really? Or is it just much, much less unpleasant than when he is horrible but not actually all that positive. Is his good much more considerate than you would be to the average person?

msdiamant Wed 26-Mar-14 00:16:07

OP's husband has been zombiefied either by his colleagues or by his parents. I would place my bet on PILs but I could be wrong.

LondonNinja Tue 25-Mar-14 23:09:22

Perhaps you could tell husband that other husbands manage really well on broken sleep, some even get up to help and none blame their OHs for a baby doing what babies, erm, do...

Throw it back at him. Seriously, tell him you've chatted to MN your friends and the consensus is men cope really well and are supportive. Fucking hell, some even realise a new mum is shattered, too.

SplitHeadGirl Tue 25-Mar-14 23:03:17

Yes, what Ninja said! Does he stop thinking about himself for one second to ask if YOU are tired?

He is horrible.

43percentburnt Tue 25-Mar-14 23:02:47

I think you should ask his female colleagues if their husbands shout and swear if their kids wake at night. Bet he forgets that bit, no doubt he alludes to how much he does during the night, gaining sympathy and people making him coffee.

starlight1234 Tue 25-Mar-14 22:50:00

Reminds me of my Ex..what it meant was a got up to see to him every whimper...consequently despite leaving him when Ds was 10 months old he didn't sleep through till he was 4...

His attitude towards you sucks...

LondonNinja Tue 25-Mar-14 22:46:36

Oh, and he volunteered to do this btw. I didn't suggest it. He had a bad back for ages. It was a fucking horrible stressful time actually.

LondonNinja Tue 25-Mar-14 22:45:21

Oh dear. He's obviously tired and is behaving like a prick. Unless he's like this all the time.
Why doesn't he go to the spare room with earplugs and an alarm clock? You'll relax more, too, I bet, without his lordship to worry about.
My DH slept downstairs on cushions when I was going mad with tiredness up with DD. If he'd asked what my excuse was, I think I'd have exploded. Does it ever occur to him that you are 100 times more tired than he is?!

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