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Dh seems to have only two modes - nice or aggressive

(64 Posts)
BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 07:14:51

Often, he's nice, funny and sensitive but if he gets even slightly annoyed about something, he goes into full aggressive mode.
I can handle it and think he's just being a twat but yet again, I have to face neighbours this morning after he's had a go at somebody about something stupid.
A kid kicked a ball that hit his car while I was out. Ok, so the kid needed to be told to not kick a ball so it hits cars, but dh goes into full lunatic mode and has a go at the parents for being irresponsible and not teaching their child manners etc.

I'm so embarrassed. I can't face the neighbours across the road either after a huge row one night because they parked a car across our drive and now I've got the school run to face and I know the mum will be there. I don't know if she'll want to talk to me or not but I feel shit about it.

I had a huge argument last night with dh after he told me what happened because I think he over reacts. He thinks he's just protecting whats his. Even in our argument, he was swearing and angry as he felt I wasn't supporting him. I tell him that he doesn't realise how aggressive he comes across. He has no diplomacy skills whatsoever.
I don't know what to do as I'm fed up of it.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:17:18

Ugh, how mortifying for you

Do you have DC, because believe me, no matter how bad you feel they will be feeling it 1000 times worse

BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 07:18:37

Yes I do and the worst thing is is that the child is in dc1's year at primary school.

AngryBeaver Tue 25-Mar-14 07:22:05

That sounds very hard to live with. Aggressive people are tiresome.
I think he needs anger management.
I would insist upon that happening if I were you, or think very hard about my future with him. Imagine another 30 years of embarrassment and stress hmm

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:22:22

Yes. I was that child whose father was the laughing stock of the neighbourhood for being unable to keep a civil tongue in his head. Expect some shitty times ahead for your child as a result of his father's arrogant and disinhibited behaviour, and you spending a lot of time apologising or eventually not leaving the house because you are too embarassed

justmuddlingalong Tue 25-Mar-14 07:23:50

I never feel embarrassment for other people's behaviour. He is being the twat, not you, why are you feeling embarrassed?

BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 07:26:47

I'm already trying to think of how to apologise to the mum. I'll probably just end up in tears like how I did with the neighbours! Even more embarrassing. They all think I'm some poor down trodden wife living with a mad man but its not like that.

I think I'll have to get him to anger management because I really do not want a repeat of this.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:28:06

Will he accept he has a problem enough to attend AM?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What is keeping you within this currently?. I would read Joe Carver's description of "The Loser" because your H is within those lines.

You do realise that abusive at heart men do nice and nasty very well but its a continuous cycle. He is currently dragging you all down with him and you're currently allowing this to happen to you. Such men do not change; this is learnt behaviour and one or both of his parents likely acted the same.

Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing your children?. What do you want to teach them about relationships here, would you want them as adults to act the same as your H is now doing?.

If he is this angry at other people, what's he like towards you day to day as well?.

"They all think I'm some poor down trodden wife living with a mad man but its not like that".

But what is it like then?. People may feel a degree of pity for you currently but will not do so for much longer. You will also be avoided.

"I think I'll have to get him to anger management because I really do not want a repeat of this".

No and no again, you do nothing about getting him to AM. This is something he has to do for his own self. If he refuses to go you have your answer. He is responsible for his own issues, not you. You cannot and must not take any ownership of his anger problem.

catballou Tue 25-Mar-14 07:31:45

Well he clearly has anger issues.

Going from o-100 on the anger scale over something mildly annoying like a kid kicking a ball at his car is unacceptable behaviour and quite intimidating to others. Has he always indulged his anger like this ? Does he do it much with you? You say you can handle it and just think he's being a twat but that sort of thing can grind you down after a while and start to feel like emotional abuse.

I would be looking for him to have therapy -to face up to the fact he doesn't deal well with his anger and it's affecting you and your relationships with others-why should you have to feel mortified and embarrassed by his crappy behaviour? He needs to accept this though, to get away from the self justifying . Doesn't sound like he has much insight there into how he comes across.
Nice, funny etc is all very well, but sensitive ain't much good if he isn't sensitive to others, only to himself, which it sounds is very much the case.

BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 07:36:37

Attila I've thought about all the things you've mentioned and really, at this moment, I feel like leaving him.

But he really is not like this on a day to day basis. He is fine most of the time and we have fun, we talk, generally he's a good husband and parent but it's at times like I mentioned, when he feels people aren't respecting his property. I don't know, something weird happens to him when it comes to neighbours.
He just has a tendency to over react. Like yesterday he was saying 'what if the car had been damaged? that's a grand on a paint job!' Apparently that justified his anger.

BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 07:41:32

I'm just dreading the school run. Ugh.

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 07:43:19

Your child will suffer more, sorry

justmuddlingalong Tue 25-Mar-14 07:43:59

YOU have done nothing wrong!

BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 07:45:03

I know. I feel so bad for him. Things like that get around.

If it's not like that what is it like then..?

Melonbreath Tue 25-Mar-14 07:55:57

Don't apologise for him. Act friendly with your neighbours as though it never happened.

BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 07:56:11

What do you mean Erikur?
I'm not down trodden. I'm independent and strong. Dh helps out at home, I have friends and a social life etc. We generally have a good family life. He gets on with my family etc
It really is his tendency to over react aggressively that's the issue, specifically with neighbours.
I won't lie and say that he hasn't done it at home, but it's usually just an argument. I guess most people have those!

BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 07:57:11

Melonbreath I do. I still wave at them and say hello and they do the same. They just ignore my husband!

PlumpPartridge Tue 25-Mar-14 08:02:05

Maybe get a camera set up in your lounge or wherever (a video cam would do) and try to record one of his outbursts. Then ask him to watch 'a video' and leave the house. Come back later and see what he thought of his own behaviour as seen from outside.

Of course if you think there is ANY chance that this could be dangerous to you or dc, don't do it.

Handywoman Tue 25-Mar-14 08:10:51

My X was like this, very 'territorial', paranoid, angry and intimidating. He never saw himself that way, his anger was always justified in his eyes. I remember an incident where he was intimidating to our school photographers and felt hurt and betrayed when I said it was 'possible' that they felt intimidated (they did - they complained to the head teacher). I gave him an ultimatum after a particularly nasty verbal attack on me. As a result he started counselling and antidepressants. Neither worked. Because the real issue was always the attitude behind it. Deeply unpleasant. He now lives elsewhere and life is so much more relaxed.

Rebecca2014 Tue 25-Mar-14 08:33:37

It does sound like he does have an anger problem. A majority of abusive men are nasty to their partners but have a calm temper around other people so the fact he loses his temper with everyone is telling.

Can you not persuade him to get anger management? He needs help.

"I know. I feel so bad for him"

But does he feel bad for you after one of his outbursts at the neighbours?. What does he say if anything about his previous outburst when he is eventually calm?. Have you yourself told him that you are fed up with feeling upset and embarrassed at his behaviour?.

Sounds like he has continued to overreact over the car as well; he quoted a figure of £1000 for a ball hitting it, where on earth did he get that figure from?. He is completely overreacting and he could well lose you over this because your resentment towards him will steadily build. His behaviour may well be reflected back onto yourself through no fault of your own.

And it is also NOT down to you to try and persuade him or get him to go to an anger management course. This problem he has is his sole responsibility.

BrightLightsAtNight Tue 25-Mar-14 09:38:31

Attila I meant I felt bad for ds who is in the same yr as the boy shouted at.

Dh never feels bad. He always feels justified. I have told him and told him again this morning and that his son could very well have a hard time at school now because of him. I don't know what he thinks but he's not verbalising anything promising.

Handywoman I really relate to your post.

I saw the mum but I was talking with someone and so she either didn't see me or wants to avoid me.

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