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Don't think dh fancies me anymore(22 Posts)
Can't blame him. Have put on about three stone in the last few years, am fat and frumpy. He is still his lovely self but the sex has virtually dried up and he would rather play on his phone in bed than play with me.
He went away today for a fortnight with work. Last night he played with his phone before he went to sleep. I didn't want to have to initiate things again so I didn't. He won't see me for two weeks but he wasn't the slightest bit bothered about having one last shag before he went.
He is his usual jovial self, no issues with pulling his weight, child care, etc. We are quite close but it's more like friends these days. We do cuddle up on the sofa together to watch tv etc but there's not much physical contact.
He used to be very touchy feely and now he's not. If anything does happen in bed it's because I've pushed for it and he goes along with it. If I do nothing, nothing happens.
He's like my best friend. With no sex. Feels a bit sad.
Could it be him, not you? Maybe his sex drive is low at the moment - stress, tiredness? It doesn't have to mean he doesn't fancy you.
Would you feel brave enough to ask him?
Not really because he's terribly honest and straightforward about things. He'd probably say 'no I don't fancy you anymore' and expect me to be alright about that.
I lost a stone or so last year and he told me how much better I looked and there was definitely more arse grabbing etc going on than usual. Unfortunately my ankles couldn't cope with excercise so I stopped and the weight shot back on. Now there's not much attention at all. So that what I think it is. He doesn't find me attractive.
I do understand this. I gained a lot of weight fast. Don't leap to the worst interpretation though.
Could it be that you dressed/felt/behaved differently after losing the stone last year?
Perhaps he knew grabbing would be better received when you got slimmer because that's when you internally feel more confident? Perhaps your 'shutters come down' to an extent when you are heavier? Fewer lights on? Less flirting? Different nightwear? Just plain grumpier, less interested?
The 'you look better' comment - he could have just being trying to encourage you in your efforts to do something he could see was good for your confidence?
You will get yourself in a depressive rut brooding over the notion he doesn't fancy you. Have you got a plan to feel better?
I don't mean to worry you but I'd be putting two and two together and connecting the phone with the sex disappearing- I mean what is on the phone, texting?
Hm, I wouldn't attach too much important to your actual weight. It may be that when you lost a stone, you felt more sexy, more sexual, more alluring...it projected out of you. If you think of yourself as frumpy, then I doubt you're giving off 'fuck me' vibes.
Also, I believe we are conditioned to think that men are SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX, they can have much lower sex drives than us, and go through dry spells too.
You need to talk to him about it. It's the simplest, most dull answer you'll get in a response to this thread, but it's the only thing you CAN do to sort this out.
You might be right. Maybe although he loves you he doesn't love you sexually. He's still with you though and still affectionate so.....start exercising again just don't do the kind that hurts your ankles and eat only when your hungry.
Its worrying that he's always on his phone, and is now going away.
If you feel unattractive and are resigned to that, then that probably comes off you in waves. Im sorry, thats not going to appeal to another person in a sexual way. As much as we say it shouldn't matter - yes, it does.
Even for your own health and self-esteem, something just for you: can't you make an attempt to lose a bit of weight? You'll look and feel better and that could do your self-esteem the world of good. There are lots of low impact exercises that won't put strain on your joints.
I HATE exercising!! But YouTube is my friend every workout possible is on there so its laptop on and away I go..you can do 15 minute exercise segments so its not daunting. & I do from the comfort of my own home. If you have space for a Rebounder/mini trampoline then buy one - I can't believe how beneficial it is for weight loss and feelgood factor. Not trying to dictate to you but you sound as if you need to get your mojo back. Don't let yourself 'slide'..look after your physical and emotional health and don't forget to treat and pamper yourself sometimes .
I do need to get my mojo back, you're right. I want to so some more exercise because it really did work, it just buggered my ankles and to be honest I didn't enjoy it so I need to find something I do enjoy. I quite like dancing but again that's on my feet.
I did find a couple of pictures downloaded on his phone of ladies posing in body stockings. Young, fit, big boobed ladies. I don't think he's always playing his game.
He comes home from work and rather than greet me or the dc's he rushes upstairs to play this bloody game.
It's like he's lost a bit of interest in family life. Be interesting to see what he's like after a couple of weeks away living the single life.
No opinions on his behaviour, but swimming and cycling are both excellent, low impact forms of exercise and shouldn't be too bad for your ankles.
So he runs up stairs with his phone when he gets home from work, there are pictures on his phone of other women and your sex life is dead...don't you think this screams of him getting his jollies through porn??
Obviously you should make changes re exercise and weight loss if that is for you and will help your confidence and self esteem. However everything else seems to suggest that he's getting his needs met else where.
I agree with gilded, get fit for you. What about aqua aerobics? I have terrible arthritis so limited to what exercise I can do too. Look at your diet and see if there's any junk you can cut out fad diets don't work, you gain more weight after you come off them so eat healthy balanced meals, little & often is good and never skip meals, especially breakfast.
I honestly don't think your weight as anything to do with your DH's attitude to sex, most men really don't notice as much as we do ourselves when we gain weight, unless they're incredibly shallow. Your his wife, for better or worse yadda yadda!
I'd be more concerned about the phone use tbh and what he's up to on there. I found out not too long ago that my h had been getting off on nude women on the net and I hadn't got a clue, totally out of character and was gobsmacked when I found out.
I feel like that about my DH, tbh. It upsets me that I'm the same size as when we met and he has gone from a 34 waist to struggling to do up a 42 under his stomach. He has no energy to do anything, won't even bother to reach down and pick stuff up off the floor as someone else will get there first and just eats rubbish late at night. I used to fancy him so much but I just don't anymore-it's not chubby, it's obese and tbh, I wouldn't have looked twice at him in the first place has he looked like that 15 years ago
That probably doesn't help much-just my perspective-fair or not.
Actually although you would like to think men are not that shallow and they should love you for better etc it just isn't that way. Men are very visual and womens bodies turn them on. Obviously. If you put on a lot of weight then sometimes it just does turn them off you. They no longer feel that sexual connection with you. They still might love you but not in the same way. I would be upset too op if my oh were looking at other women and not me in that way. Life rollonthesummer lots of men feel that they wouldn't have been attracted to their partners in the first place if they had been fat. Shallow? maybe but you cant help how you feel. Sexual relationships are not the same as friendships. To keep the sexual side you have to take on board your partners feelings to some extent and his likes and dislikes and vice versa.
But maybe its nothing to do with your weight OP, could he be stressed in any way and therefor his sexual appetite has just disappeared. Stress definitely does that as does excessive exercise as in weight lifting. Just a thought.
I agree with hidden - go for a swim! I always feel so much better afterwards.
Why don't you use the two weeks to set yourself a target (3-5lbs?) - for YOU, not for him. Maybe he'll notice, maybe he won't but I'd use the time he'll be away to make use of the privacy and spend some time in feeling good.
Things like yoga and swimming are good for toning if you can't leap around due to ankle probs.
PS Mistress I loved my mini-trampoline until I fell off and nearly squashed the dog!
Sounds like your esteem is on the floor sweetheart. You need to work on that for your own sake, sod anyone else. He does seem to have disengaged somewhat from family life doesn't he?
Make a few positive changes each day.
Men find confident women sexually attractive but often as someone else has said women who feel "fat" are jot confident so it's not actually the weight that's the issue as such it's often the lack of self esteem and lack of confidence both sexually and in other ways that make a man lose interest sexually.
Problem I find is losing weight is much harder than putting it on especially as I get older...it's not an easy challenge.
Do you want to lose weight for you and not just to make him want to shag you?
I was 3 stone overweight and lost a stone following Diet Chef and another doing the 5:2. I still would like to lose another stone but I remind myself look at what I have already lost.
I think you need to talk to him and not give him an "out" by letting him blame the lack of sex on you being a bit heavier. He could be not bothered about sleeping with you because he discovered porn and a quick wank is less fuss than sex with your wife if your head is in that space. Don't assume he stopped fancying you and then started looking at porn, it could have been the other way around and that isn't your fault.
Don't worry, I nearly pitched myself headfirst through living room window when I 1st got on trampoline..! If at first you don't succeed, n all that...
Pilates is great too, I've been taking classes for about a year and it's great, very gentle stretching and so relaxing. What about just going walking does that hurt your ankles? I walk loads too, I find it very refreshing. Your ankle problem might start to improve as your weight decreases??
I do think you should talk to your dh about it though, it could be anything, he may just have stuff on his mind.
Hi- work on your own self confidence/contentment and everything will flow from that. WHat about low impact exercise (ideally with DH) such as walking, cross trainer...
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