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Thread for those who have serious dysfunctional relationships with their Mothers

(94 Posts)
bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 19:02:05

I know there have been threads before, so I know there are many of you out there who have very difficult relationships with their Mother...and I hope nobody minds me starting this now. It's coming up to Mother's Day, which is a really difficult time for us.

At risk of being narcissistic (and I am being), my own Mother left when I was young and has being the opposite of what I consider a Mother to be, that is the Mother my friends had, the Mother my cousins and husband had. I always think I am winning the battle, gosh, I have done it all! Eating disorders, self harm, you name it! However, today got me, it got me so much I want to hit myself! Someone who is old enough to be my Mother was kind to me, and grateful for a favour I did and that really got me. It's a crap time of year with all the 'fantastic Mother' stuff around and it is bloody exhausting trying to deal with all the self-hatred and anger.

I know it's not just me.

struggling100 Fri 28-Mar-14 16:22:56

Scabbyhorse- I am glad I'm not the only one. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a freak for not wanting to go NC, or if I'm just suffering from some kind of guilt complex, or if I'm a pushover...

PostHocErgoPropterHoc Fri 28-Mar-14 16:44:52

On the card thing - the last mother's day before I went NC I looked at the cards and just gave up. I'd always bought plain or simple 'happy mother's day' cards before but this time I bought her a card that said 'Lovely Mum' or similar, because I knew that was what she wanted to believe, and it would make her happy. It was the first time I realised that I plain hated her, and chose to be a hypocrite rather than do anything about it.

I'm NC now and although it makes mother's day a bit difficult and introspection-y, it's so much easier than it was. I'm spending the day celebrating my lovely MiL instead.

noddyholder Fri 28-Mar-14 16:55:07

I realised that even though I saw my mother I really was NC because when I did see her it was meaningless and pointless just full of criticism and misery. I got nothing from the times we did meet and had to practically beg her to see me and my siblings so it is much better now if a little strange

Lesleythegiraffe Fri 28-Mar-14 17:38:36

The one good thing about having an awful mother is that it's made me a good one.

I have thought of everything she ever did and done the complete opposite to my kids.

CoilRegret Fri 28-Mar-14 18:04:33

Bish, Mother's Day is for you, not her. You are the mum that deserves to be treated like the queen for the day.

I went NC with mine a long time ago. We've had sporadic contact over issues we had to discuss, but nothing personal. I'm not interested. She's never met my DH or any of my children, (oldest is 11) & if I have my way never will.

This Sunday I'm sending my DH and eldest off to see his mum, who is not well, and I'm taking the younger two off for a nice day with me. We will all be together for dinner.

I don't see it as a day to wallow in the why me-s. It's MY day, & I'm bloody well going to enjoy it. Animals park, cream tea and shopping. grin

lolaisafuckertoo Fri 28-Mar-14 18:39:03

I am in early NC stages with my mother and two sisters really as they come as a sort of complete parcel. Youngest (Golden Girl) does the bullying, excluding, nastiness, second sister keeps the head down and hopes none of the shit falls her way and my mother sits in the background just pulling strings.
I am in therapy but finding it all dominated by M and her more than eccentric behaviours. The added problem is my father died young (34) and effectively let us in the company of a total fucking loon who hated us. But, she was a saint. She worked hard....it is always over looked that I worked fromt he age of 12, though that doesn't fit into the over all picture. Verbal, mental, physical and emotional abuse that continues though in the hands of my younger sister.
It is so difficult to learn late in life that you are not an object of disgust, shame, amusement, foulness that you were led to believe. These thoughts and feelings are not easily disposed of, but at the age of 46, I am trying.
I have nominated Christine L;Garde (IMF LADY) as my new mum. Don't know why, just have. Strong, positive and not afraid of succeeding and of life in general. Those were the things my mother gave to me; fear of succeeding and fear of life. FUCK MOTHERS DAY

wispa31 Fri 28-Mar-14 21:53:13

Was shopping for a card myself y,day for mum. Couldnt bring myself to buy one with 'special' or 'best mum' or whatever else on it, i just dont feel that way about her. Id hate for my ds and any other dc i may have to feel that way about me and so il be making damn sure they know they are loved no natter what, not being mean about thrm wetting the bed like my mum did

afriendcalledfive Sun 30-Mar-14 11:42:58

Happy Mother's Day, to all Mums who love and look after their children smile

Aventurine Sun 30-Mar-14 11:50:29

I don't feel anything for my mother. Nothing at all. I did all my crying when I was a kid. She would like to have a good relationship now, but doesn't understand good mother daughter relationships are built in childhood when she was physically and emotionally abusive. It's too late now.

afriendcalledfive Sun 30-Mar-14 11:52:08

Well, I'm definitely not texting my Mum to wish her HMD, as she'll be expecting one (as per my post a few days ago).

I always find that I'm constantly on high alert for the smallest criticism from Mums aimed at their children. I do it with MIL, and I call her on it if not happy with what she says to dh.

She's not a narc as such, but tries it on sometimes.

Does anybody else do this?

afriendcalledfive Sun 30-Mar-14 12:01:40

Aventurine- thanks thanks

I remember crying a lot when I was little. Only when I did, she'd make me feel guilty for crying, shouting at me to stop, or else she'd put me in a home. So I stopped crying straightaway in case she carried out her threat.

I find if I'm upset and somebody tries to comfort me, I stop crying. Out of habit. Like a 'stop' button created from all those years ago.

And I push people away when upset too, though I'm working on that.

I agree the mother/daughter relationship starts in childhood ..

Kaekae Sun 30-Mar-14 12:11:01

I don't have the best relationship with my mother, but I have my own children now and I just focus all my energy on being the best mother I can for them. I want to have a relationship with my children when they are adults so I feel my mother is now the one missing out not me.

afriendcalledfive Sun 30-Mar-14 12:24:01

Kaekae thanks thanks

I've just been on FB where so many of my friends have paid tribute to their Mums.

I'm genuinely happy for people who have their Mother's love, never begrudge them, so I posted a status in favour of all Mums who have looked after, loved and cherished their children, bringing them up to be happy adults. Hope it doesn't sound naff hmm

Lesleythegiraffe Sun 30-Mar-14 12:47:04

Well said Kaekae - exactly how I feel.

Darkesteyes Sun 30-Mar-14 17:16:45

Happy Mothers Day to all this thread Hope you are all having a good one. thanks

Aventurine Sun 30-Mar-14 18:18:45

Thanks afriend

That's a good status you put on facebook. It doesn't sound naff.

thanks For you.

Deathwatchbeetle Sun 30-Mar-14 20:23:02

As I said on a similar thread on here - I was thinking of all the ladies who went NC with their mother (or are trying to!). It must be hard every mothers' day but even harder when you were growing up and 'had to' get the card and the flowers etc.

I wish you all well, especially those of you with children who are determined to break the cycle of abuse. Happy Mothers' Day, you deserve it!!!! thanks (hope the flowers sign comes up -never did this before!)

Deathwatchbeetle Sun 30-Mar-14 20:23:22

OOh it did! Good-o!

lolaisafuckertoo Mon 31-Mar-14 18:51:10

Youngest DD, out of the blue, wanted to ring Granny. They were doing stuff in school for Mms day,I got a lovely card, but bless her little heart, she didn't want Granny to lose out.
It has been a rotten weekend, missing my dauther in England. feeling shit from top to toe. It isn't about just Mother's day, its about being a mother and all the people who seem to think they know better or best for us.

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