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Thread for those who have serious dysfunctional relationships with their Mothers

(94 Posts)
bishbashboosh Mon 24-Mar-14 19:02:05

I know there have been threads before, so I know there are many of you out there who have very difficult relationships with their Mother...and I hope nobody minds me starting this now. It's coming up to Mother's Day, which is a really difficult time for us.

At risk of being narcissistic (and I am being), my own Mother left when I was young and has being the opposite of what I consider a Mother to be, that is the Mother my friends had, the Mother my cousins and husband had. I always think I am winning the battle, gosh, I have done it all! Eating disorders, self harm, you name it! However, today got me, it got me so much I want to hit myself! Someone who is old enough to be my Mother was kind to me, and grateful for a favour I did and that really got me. It's a crap time of year with all the 'fantastic Mother' stuff around and it is bloody exhausting trying to deal with all the self-hatred and anger.

I know it's not just me.

weirdthing Mon 24-Mar-14 21:07:45

Hello! Just signing in - I've got a mother who has hated me for as far back as I can remember. After a straw which broke the camel's back and a second round of psychotherapy, I am now nc with her, my dad and my youngest sister (the golden child) - my brother that I always got on well with has stopped speaking to me now and I don't even know why but obviously it has to do with the others.

Anyway, mother's day for me is celebrating the fact that I have (so far) managed NOT to fuck up my relationship with my own two dcs despite having no role model for a mum.

Some mothers are utter bastards. That just the way the cookie crumbles but I am a survivor of abuse and I will live well despite all her (and my dad's) best efforts to destroy me. Love to you all. xxx

madcatlady444 Mon 24-Mar-14 21:41:02

So I'm not the only person looking for a Mother's Day card without love, or to the best mummy ever etc on it
Amongst many many awful things she completely abandoned me for 6 months as I went through a completely horrendous bout of clinical depression.

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 21:43:01

Thanks for starting this thread, Bish.

That sounds lovely, weegie xxx

RockinD "She is 94 now and lives alone in a sheltered flat. She has no friends and no other family". Says it all. My heart goes out to you xxx.

Shaky1500 "but to the outside world, my "mother" is an absolute SAINT". Mine's different in the way that nobody likes her xxx

My mum called me last night, to tell me her and DF are going away tomorrow for 2 weeks. And she knows I work a long day on Mondays, so wouldn't have time to buy her anything for Mother's day that fast. Wednesday is my day off which is the only time I could get anything for her, or visit to drop anything off. So she is getting nothing.

Aren't I a bad daughter....and that's what she'll be telling everybody who will listen. Which will only be my Dad, her enabler.

Well, that's fine, because I will not be sending her a HMD text on the day, because she didn't give me time to buy anything for her.

She has lost her other 2 daughters through being a bad mother, and I feel its not going to be long before she loses me too.

And I don't think she'll care.....

Chickens123 Mon 24-Mar-14 21:49:59

I had a dreadful relationship with my mother. She never knew I had a daughter and I didn't see her for the 4 years before she died. I never went to her funeral and have never visited her grave. I worry that my daughter will have the same relationship with me!

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 24-Mar-14 21:56:04

I focus on my kids too. They are trying to show love to me so I try to enhance the effect and spend time with them to let them feel that they did it (!). Rather than being a matriarch on high waiting to receive appreciation, iykwim.

My mother died when I was 18. There was no connection, as she was a bipolar alcoholic, so the holiday (in May here also) does not stir my emotions as normal folks might expect. I do get the sadness for wanting such a connection though. I think the lack has had a continuing effect in that I find it hard to connect with people/make friends etc. The one older lady that was interested in "friendship" with me turned out to be a right toxic cow. How ironic.

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 21:58:00

Chickens123 "I worry that my daughter will have the same relationship with me!"

The very fact that you worry means that you care enough to make sure she won't have the same relationship with you xxx

EustaciaVye Mon 24-Mar-14 22:00:11

I cut contact years ago (left before I was 5), and then when I had children foolishly let her get back in touch. She sends them birthday and christmas cards/presents in the post. She has never met them and we have no other contact.

I want to tell her to get stuffed but feel like I should be the better person and let my kids make their own mind up. dd1 often decides she doesnt like the present so we give it to the charity shop (she has a lot of empathy for how i feel). dd2 doesnt get my resentment though and is always excited.

I dont know how to cut contact finally, as that would involve communicating with her and I dont want to do that...

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 22:00:35

Andthebandplayedon: "I think the lack has had a continuing effect in that I find it hard to connect with people/make friends etc".

Same here...:/

My God, I hate her.

EustaciaVye Mon 24-Mar-14 22:02:30

Should point out left before I was five, but contact cut at about 20. Then reinstated about 28ish.

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 22:06:38

..love to all on this thread xxxx

I didn't have children because I was scared that I'd be like her, not being able to spot if I was toxic until it was too late. I envy people with normal mothers.

Does anybody have any answers as to why they are like that?

JustTheRightBullets Mon 24-Mar-14 22:14:13

Mine is like that because she is damaged due to childhood abuse. That doesn't excuse it though.

I was abused, but I don't treat my DH how she treated my dad. I have never sworn at or thrown things at him. People have choices, and abusive people are that way because they choose to be, and choose not to address their problems.

If/when I have children, her contact with them will be minimal.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 24-Mar-14 22:19:25

Stands with afriendcalledfive (holding hands might be too , awkward, if you will forgive me wink )

And KJ, I literally cried myself to sleep when I got married, thanking the higher power for a second chance for a mother (mil). I had visions of being welcomed into the fold and finally fitting in and belonging. Didn't know that higher power was such a jokester...what a disaster. More irony in my life.

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 22:28:53

Mine wasn't abused as such, but was the youngest in a large Irish family (mainly females) and was expected to look after their Mum when the elder ones left home. Her Dad died very young.

I get that it might be she feels she should be looked after, like she had to look after her Mum, but to take it out on your own children....

afriendcalledfive Mon 24-Mar-14 22:36:01

Andtheband: you can stand next to me anytime no problem smile

Dirtypaws Mon 24-Mar-14 22:56:36

flowers

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 24-Mar-14 23:12:30

afriend grin

It is tough. My dsis was a nurse in a care home and the only day she insisted on having off was Mother's Day. The family dynamics brought for the day were unbearable.

thanks for all. I hope that it can be just another day on the calendar, instead of being a calendar day that is bound to emotional obligations, iyswim.

Smokinmirrors Mon 24-Mar-14 23:33:24

My mother is a bitch. She divides and rules and has raised five dysfunctional children. She's by turns posh and then a common fish-wife.

She has mentally and emotionally abused me my whole life. She is a nasty wicked person. She says she had a shit childhood and she probably did. Well, they (her and my father) gave me a shit childhood as a result. I was totally enmeshed with her and had an abortion aged 30 because she told me to.

She still hisses and swears at me (fishwife persona) when I sometimes cry about how the whole experience ruuined me but she had two abortions herself and says 'they never meant a thing. Get over it'

She is wicked. She has had all the time in the world to recognise and do something about her vicious tongue and her screwed up life but she likes being a matriarch with an acid tongue and a bitchy heart.

She covers it up by pretending to be saintly. She has no friends.

She's personality disordered without a doubt but she is also intelligent and like me, could have sought help. I have sought endless help.

But she doesn't want to.

She LIKES being an utter bitch.
I hope she dies first, and soon. Because my father has always said, since we were young, that when his beloved dies he will gas himself.

Bring it on

Smokinmirrors Mon 24-Mar-14 23:35:22

For what it's worth, for all of you struggling with guilt out there about these types of women - who haven't been mothers in the proper sense, they hacve just produced babies for whatever their agenda was at the time - do NOT feel guilty.

Own the word 'bitch' and use it.

MummyBeerest Mon 24-Mar-14 23:51:03

...some people in this world are just evil. I am so sorry to read these. sad

Makes me feel a bit guilty actually. My mother may not like me, but she loves my sister. Maybe I'm missing something here?

For her birthday she posted a bunch of pictures with her and her babies-my sister and myDD.

Oh, and her dog.

Compared to some of these, it seems petty.

Smokinmirrors Tue 25-Mar-14 00:20:01

See? What a bitch. Have you told her not to post pictures of your child on the web without your express opinion?

Your sister is the golden child.

Your daughter is your own - do not allow your horrible mother to have a nano second of ownership of her.

Millyblods Tue 25-Mar-14 01:09:27

I went no contact with mine for twenty years . They didn't even try. They moved to another country. I'm an only child with no other relatives that I know. There was a moment when I really really needed them as my world was falling apart but I didn't know where they were. A year ago they turned up in this country looking for me. I didn't want to see them. Then the illness card was played and I caved in. It was very emotional seeing them after twenty years, they were old. They met my children. I put all the past to one side to make the three days with them special as I never knew if I would ever see them again once they went back to their country. Since then contact has been the monthly phone call which I find hard. I feel I have let myself down by not telling them how I have felt without parents or family all those years but I can't. They have mellowed some. I have decided to not send her a card because I just feel angry when I look at cards. I am a brilliant mum though and have brought up two amazing loving kids who ate now in their 20s and they know what it is to have a mum who loves them without question and is always there for them.
Sorry, I have gone on to much. We might be grown ups but the child in us still wonders why are parents didn't love us.

MummyBeerest Tue 25-Mar-14 07:01:42

I have, yes. That caused the blowout of the century.

Her logic-I'm her daughter and she made me, therefore this baby girl is hers. She said this with a straight face like she was explaining the weather.

Her narcissism is terrifying.

Milly, exactly. I feel like the child in me deserves an apology for years of mistreatment.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Tue 25-Mar-14 07:53:37

This Mother's Day will be hard. My Mother is in a CH with Dementia. She has no friends and no family she sees, other than meas she's fallen out with them. I have a Brother who lives in another continent and hasn't been back for 5 years. He speaks to her and is always about to come over but never made it.

I've always found her difficult but things became more so when I had children. Last year things came to a Head after he diagnosis and she decided I was evil, plotting against her and didn't want me involved in her care. Sadly my Brother believed her as wasn't here to see the true picture and the Care Home heard her in action on the phones. Friends the stepped up and said they considered her to have a toxic effect on my life.

Obviously the Dementia plays a big part but I think it has just broken down her carefully manufactured Web of lies she constructed around her. I have been talking to my Dad and my Aunt, who I was told terrible things about, which I believed. She really damaged my relationship with my Dad bu thank goodness I have seen the light and it's more open, honest and a supporting relationship.

Clearng her house fell to me and I found evidence of her deceit eg. Money she hid from my Dad and illegally didn't declare on their legal separation form. Letters from my Aunt etc. I went through a stage where everything I believed as the truth was in question. It was horrendous so I have had some counselling. My relationship with my Brother is healing as we have a pact that we will tell each other what she says to us and she can no longer play each other off against each other.

The thing I find hard is I want to confront her about all this and tell her I know . But her brain is shrinking, she's unwell, though fairly with it most of the time. I had a go about one little but I didn't rely help so I'm leaving it. I hate going to see her but do, then put up a shield the rest of the time trying to forget her. I have agreed to take her out on Mothers Day for cake and am dreading it. I'll, do it though, she may not know who anyone is next year or the year after so this will probably be the last time. Sorry, that is longer than intended.

bishbashboosh Tue 25-Mar-14 09:21:04

I'm so sad to hear everyone's stories about their Mothers!

I always dreaded having a daughter and was u prepared for how much I would bind with a daughter, my mother always favoured boys, telling me time and time again how horrible girls were!

I Also fixate on mother figures. Teachers, u used to imagine they were my mum, I still do

CoilRegret Tue 25-Mar-14 10:43:43

I adore my daughter, but having a girl was very hard. She is such a little girl, sparkly, dance-y, shiny and adorable. I'm sure once I was like that too.

I know I will never 'mother' as she did. I am better than that.

My last correspondence with her was a card I sent for her most recent wedding. I wished her new husband all the luck in the world, enclosed a £50 as she valued money above all else. Bet she treasures that card wink

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