Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
What's wrong with me?!(19 Posts)
I may ramble a bit here but if you can bare with me!
Sometimes I feel like packing up and leaving starting a new life on my own anywhere but where I am. I have a good career and travel a lot with work sometimes for 2 months at a time.
My dh is supportive, never moans when 1 month turns to 2 or, after a long stint away am only home for a couple of weeks before leaving again.
When I am at home I do all the things other people do, I cook, clean do the laundry etc. I try to make my time at home as normal as possible and as good as possible for dh and I as a couple and as a family as I have a dsd.
The last time I was at home it was for a less than a month having been away for 6 or so weeks, dh was an utter arsehole. He was moody, grumpy and instead of being my normal confrontational self (I am working on that aspect!) I found myself treading on eggshells.
I did approach him we had a chat and he said he was totally unaware of how he had been towards me yet nothing changed. I couldn't wait to get back to work.
We don't do anything when I am at home, we do occasionally go for a weekend away but other than that there are no nice nights out or trips out during the day.
He went to the Drs last year and she said he had depression and gave him some tablets I noticed a huge difference in him for about 6 months he was upbeat and happy.
When he was no longer seemingly happy I suggested at his next appointment to have his medication reassessed. Apparently the Dr saw no reason to change his medication at that time.
He said and still says he doesn't know why he doesn't seem happy as he doesn't really feel sad or have any reason to be unhappy. He has run out of his prescription and keeps saying he needs to make and appointment yet never does.
He procrastinates constantly and I feel like I am always having to forge a way to the next step. Sometimes I feel that being at home is such hard work and having been living out of a suitcase for weeks on end in a job that can be exhausting with the hours and time changes I just want to have some peace at home.
I no longer sleep well at home, dh snores so badly I am often downstairs on the sofa.
We do speak almost every day and text a lot. I don't want to make him sound like a bastard because he isn't he just isn't as pro active as me and is happy to sit around on his days off doing nothing. I get that he also works and he too is entitled to have his time to himself I never demand that we are together 24/7
I just sometimes think about my life at home and think 'is this is?'
Does anyone else ever feel like this? I am not a moody person I am 99% of the time quite happy and I do love dh very much I just am starting to feel I am treading water watching the life I imagined pass me by.
Sorry for the epic post, if you got this far. Thank you
His lack of emotion is a symptom of depression, similarly the lack of activity. I would be encouraging him to make another appointment with the GP. Also, try arranging some day trips, nights out etc. Google Behavioural activation - an effective way to lift low mood, you/he needs to be proactive and DO something, he's going to need your support to do that.
I'm really sorry, but if you were my DP I'd tell you to take a hike. You want your time at home to be peaceful?
You travel for months on end, and your partner is at home alone for months on end. It is incredibly difficult being the partner at home, I'm not surprised that he is suffering from depression.
I have encouraged him, now I just will sound like I am nagging! He is a grown man and I cannot force him to make the appointment. I am at a loss because he says he will then never does. It's a cycle I feel only he can break. I will google your suggestion, thank so much.
DIY do you think my being away is the cause of his depression?
I think it sounds like he doesn't want to get close to you when your back home, as your away again soon after for god knows how long. Maybe it exhausts him having no one around, and then suddenly your back and expecting to carry on like a family until you pack your case and your back out the door and he's alone again.
Put yourself in his shoes, he sits there waiting for you to walk in and out of his life. It must be hard. Although I wouldn't say it's your fault he's depressed, but I think it would contribute to unease and unhappiness.
If I've read your OP right Wholenut you're saying he's just stopped taking the medication because he's run out. That alone could massively affect his mood. It's not a good idea to stop medication for depression cold turkey. He needs to go back to his GP.
Yes Pigs you've read right he has stopped because he has run out and is taking an age to make a new appointment.
Dare I say this?
Who would want to be living with a 'partner' who drops in and out with expectations?
Your life sounds great. His - not so much.
I think your being away has played a large part in creating a lifestyle which has helped cause his depression.
So not the root cause, no, but a big part.
My DH used to work in an industry which had massive peaks where I would barely see him for weeks on end. He would be working hard, yes, but he would be on this massive adrenalin rush with his work. When he came home he once actually suffered physical withdrawals from the adrenalin (think shakes, etc). But the high of the Adrenalin must have been amazing. Almost like taking a drug.
He then had a job where he travelled loads. Yes, it was hard. But by god he had an interesting life. He met fascinating people, he had loads of expensive dinners and functions. He bought me fancy gifts from expensive shops. I would have quite liked to have browsed those shops myself, tbh. And my boring life at home really didn't compete.
But he did his best to involve me, be considerate of me, make the time special when he was at home.
He sure as hell didn't come home expecting 'a bit of peace'.
DIY I meant a peaceful time as in not being shouted at by my dh! I am fully aware of how my life might seem, it's not glamourous by any means.
Dh is not a person who will easily share his feelings, we have been together many years and my job is not new. He does at home on his own what he continues to do whilst I am there.
But it gets lonely, really and truly lonely, being the one at home alone all the time.
And clearly, he can't cope.
You're not in the wrong, but neither is he. Your relationship just may not be capable of withstanding this type of work life balance.
Thank you DIY for the other perspective, I guess we need to sit down and have a good talk about things. I just hope he will open enough for us both to decide on where we go from here.
Is there any way he can go with you sometimes when you work away? Even if he just visits for a night ir two? Gives him a change of scenery too.
Yes he has been to visit me in some places but he hates to fly and to be honest loves to be at home! which is fine, We have had some pretty great perks due to my job. I try to include him in as much as I can and I do spoil him I do try to make his life good while I am at home, I get up at 5am to make him lunch before he sets off at 6am!
I am aware that it's not easy to be the person at home, he likes home he doesn't like change so perhaps my coming and going does make him uneasy. I feel like we could be doing so much more with the time we have together but I am also aware that his work/life balance is also important so I don't want to mess up the routines he has.
I know I must sound like an awful wife, I do really love dh I am just tired of feeling like the one who goes home and makes all of the effort to be treated like crap in return. If he has an issue with this all he has to do is talk to me and then between us try to sort a compromise.
It sounds like a really difficult situation. I think you can only talk to each other, it sounds like he wants a more settled life, but he loves you and doesn't want to lose you at the same time. This just gets expressed in silence from him. Hopefully he'll open up to you and you can work toward a middle ground. Good luck.
Wholenut just reading your post it struck me how apart you are as a couple. No judgement here, but maybe this isn't the type of relationship he envisaged - it does appear to be pretty unconventional.
Having space in a couple is healthy, but maybe in your relationship there's a bit too much space, being away weeks at a time seems huge to me, I mean it's not unreasonable to imagine that the poor DP may be lonely ?!
I've just spoken to dh, he says that he misses me but is not lonely. he has my dsd 50% of the time and has a fairly consistent routine. I think I go home and just bugger it up by being in his space and doing things differently! I sometimes wonder if he secretly likes me being away as he can get on and do as he likes without me asking to do something together.
He is a creature of habit and I am spontaneous we are very different yet very similar. It's weird but it seems to have worked for a good many years. It's me that is now just wondering if life at home will be this mundane once I am no longer doing this same job in a few years.
'It's me that is now just wondering if life at home will be this mundane once I am no longer doing this same job in a few years.'
Very important question to think about.
I'm glad your DH is happy and not lonely, and if that's the case you're probably right, you do bugger up his routine!!!!
In that case the depression and his lack of action about it would probably be the case regardless of your presence.
You need to work out a way of living slightly 'separate' lives when you get back in order to maintain some of this equilibrium. Suddenly having you full time in his space will be a shock to his and your systems!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.