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Think I'm losing interest in my fiancé

(61 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Dereklovesdougie Mon 24-Mar-14 07:59:03

Dp and I met when he was going through a host of issues and a crap set of circumstances. As a result, despite me falling head over heels with him, unknowingly to me he was simply pissing me about. Was still on dating sites and sex hook up sites 7 months after we'd agreed to go exclusive and after I had introduced him to my children etc. I was mortified and so cut up about it and I'm all honesty, despite us staying together I don't think I ever really felt the same about him after that.

That's the background anyway, more recently, he proposed to me on valentines day but only because I was getting at him about his lack of commitment. We're supposed to be getting married next year and he has shown very little interest in the wedding plans ( but that's men apparently?) . We argue all the time because we both have different ways about us. I see an issue and like to talk about it or I look forward to an upcoming event and like to talk about it. He doesn't and this has lead to a number of subjects becoming "dodgy ground" meaning if I mention them, I run the risk of a massive argument. Some of these subjects are important, money for example. We can't discuss money as it just ends in a massive shit short. He loses his temper so easily and takes everything I say so personally that it becomes impossible to have a rational discussion with him.

There's other stuff. He has two teenage boys who come every Saturday and they do not talk. In the years I've known dp I've honestly never heard the boys address each other. It's an awkward atmosphere and leaves me feeling extremely uncomfortable in my own house. Before I met dp I used to have every other Saturday night child free - now we never get a weekend child free and not only that but he refuses to go for a night out whilst his kids are here (although is fine with leaving my kids home alone at 13 and 15. This means we never go out on a weekend.

He moans all the time, either about feeling ill, my son's behaviour, housework ... There is always something.

Yesterday I'd been on a 13 hour shift and a bad one at that. I came home and he'd made me a lovely casserole :-) he then proceeds to tell me that his mum has been clearing her garage out ready to move and so all the photos that she had in her small bedroom are now in our garage. This includes all his previous wedding photos. Nice. Remind me never to go in my own garage. Oh and he then starts going on and on about my son's behaviour as he'd been cheeky. Great to come home to after 13 hours of stoma disasters, dying patients and stressed out sniping staff.

I feel like I'm getting less and less interested in him. I get excited at the thought of buying my own little house and doing as I please with it. Having my own money and just being able to chill out. tHis is the first time I've felt like this not on the back of a argument.

Handywoman Mon 24-Mar-14 10:12:45

What AF said.

tribpot Mon 24-Mar-14 10:13:19

Somehow I don't think your kids are going to be grief-stricken to be moving out of this house.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Mar-14 10:13:38

If he goes on about your DCs' behaviour, my guess is that they'll be so glad to see the back of him that they'll volunteer to pack! I must have had a crystal ball when I said get a dog earlier smile

Annarose2014 Mon 24-Mar-14 10:16:11

I'll be honest, OP - the dog thing would be a dealbreaker for me. Sounds trivial to others, but I had a dog when I was a kid and missed it desperately when I grew up. But I lived in shitty flats and couldn't have one. I always went on about owning a dog the minute I could.

When we got this house (with a garden) I made it clear that I needed - yes NEEDED - a dog. My DH wasn't crazy about dogs cos his family had never had one. He was ambivalent to say the least. But he said "If thats what you need then fair enough".

I am now typing this with a gently snoring doggie under my elbow. If DH had said no absolutely not after all my years of saying it? It would have been very disillusioning to say the least. Not least cos he's not my bloody Dad to say whether or not I get a dog!

LePamplemousseMousse Mon 24-Mar-14 10:24:10

Buy the little house, do as you please and get a dog! Your kids will be more messed up by trying to 'make it work' with a joyless twat than having to move house. A happy mum who puts herself and her own kids first is the best example they can have. End it and don't look back.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Mon 24-Mar-14 10:25:43

Oh jeesus get rid, get rid.

The other life you could be leading sounds like bliss.

Go for it and get rid of this nasty, miserable, controlling, cheaty, bad-parenting douchebag of a bloke.

Your kids are growing up. Fancy waving them off in a few years and you getting to start the rest if your life with Captain Fuckface, no dog, no freedom, just shit miserable times?

No!!!

kentishgirl Mon 24-Mar-14 10:40:32

Losing interest? Sounds like you lost interest a long time ago. Neither of you sound happy. Better to break up now than divorce in a couple of years time.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Mon 24-Mar-14 11:01:38

Dump the man and get the dog.

Dog will be more loyal and less whiny.

"Thanks for the advice. I suppose I'm clinging onto it because I don't want to mess my kids about again"

Well that ship has already sailed and your children also need a decent male role model; that is patently not this person you've shackled yourself to up till now.

And what Dahlen stated here, it bears repeating:-

"I can understanding you feeling as though you don't want to "fail" at another relationship, but the true failure would be failure to put you and your DC's emotional needs higher up the scale than staying in an unhealthy relationship and pretending that all is well. That will be way more damaging to them"

Dump the man, get the dog!.

eddielizzard Mon 24-Mar-14 11:46:01

'I'm clinging onto it because I don't want to mess my kids about again'

seriously? and you think continuing a crap relationship isn't messing them about? he's not a good role model for your kids. the sooner he's out of your and your kids' lives the better. they will thank you for it!

GoEasyPudding Mon 24-Mar-14 16:02:57

I see a really positive and exciting time waiting just around the corner for you. It's there - it really is!

You have been visualising your own place in quite some detail - just think happy kids and a nice new doggie. All your own things and no fun hoover of a DP draining you.

Go for it I say, make this break, your kids will be delighted! No bad atmospheres at the weekend and no moaning Minnie to bring you down.

Change is afoot my friend! Best of luck!

plantsitter Mon 24-Mar-14 16:35:57

Yeah, what she ^ said!

wyrdyBird Mon 24-Mar-14 16:56:34

This guy and his wedding photos seems horribly familiar. A lot of this is familiar.

So I don't think you'll listen, but please OP, Do Not Marry This Man.

You're worth better. This isn't the first time I've said this, and I will keep saying it. You're worth better!

SawofftheOW Mon 24-Mar-14 17:13:02

OP, please, please don't do it. Please decide now that you will start looking for that little house to build a haven of peace, happiness and security, with no bullying, entitled fuck-wit anywhere near it. Please do this for you and your children. Who the hell do these men think they are, that they can spread such misery in other peoples' lives. What a waste of your emotion, love and focus he is. From now on concentrate on you, your DC's and that doggie. Go do it - we get one life. Don't squander it on this miserable excuse of a human being.

You don't want to get married.
He doesn't want to get married.
Please don't get married.

Have a hard think about how much more time you want to waste being miserable and walking on eggshells.

Something needs to change in your relationship whether you stay or go. Good luck.

TollgateDebs Mon 24-Mar-14 17:19:59

It is not going to get better, just messier. Dump him sounds great advice to me.

msrisotto Mon 24-Mar-14 17:21:29

run free!

You're not being silly about the dog thing by the way. My only condition for moving in with my now DH was that I would be having a cat. No question.

Your life is yours, don't let someone else tell you what you can and can't do, can and can't have.

Melonbreath Mon 24-Mar-14 18:58:17

Better a failed relationship than a failed marriage.
Better a happy life doing what you want than living in misery, resentment and regrets.

get the dog.

TypicaLibra Mon 24-Mar-14 22:04:54

OP, get rid, as we've been telling you for months - he really is vile. Holidays, sofas, his treatment of your dcs, prioritising his own dcs over yours, his disrespect and sheer contempt of you ... PLEASE find the strength to leave. Get your lovely little house and your dog! Your dcs will thank you.

Hissy Mon 24-Mar-14 22:19:57

Sorry love, but Wtf are you doing with this idiot?

And his kids not speaking to one another?

What kind of environment is this for your ds?

Break it all off, get his dm's stuff out of your garage (flaming cheek tbh) and spend some time enjoying the peace and quiet of not having these people in your lives.

onlyjoking Mon 24-Mar-14 22:19:59

LTB, get a dog,they will give you less shit than this loser.

YetAnotherHelenMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 24-Mar-14 22:36:00

Evening all,
just to remind everyone <ahem> that we don't know who people are on the internet and whatnot, and it might be best not to invest too heavily in some.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Mar-14 23:21:07

eh ? wassup with this one ?

AnyFucker Tue 25-Mar-14 11:32:36

Ah, it's Boxy isn't it ?

LiberalLibertine Tue 25-Mar-14 11:42:23

What does that mean hq? Either they are dodgy, and you know they are, or?...I don't get it.

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