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I just don't want to see

(61 Posts)
winkywinkola Mon 24-Mar-14 02:09:29

pil any more than every 8-12 weeks.

We have a big family and lots of friends. There are many that we like to see as well as pil. It's a matter of fitting them all in as well as having family time alone with just dh and the dcs.

I don't regard grandparents as more important than uncles, aunts, cousins or dear family friends.

I'm getting very tired of the emotional blackmail they lay on dh when I'm not there. He gets upset, feels very guilty and takes it out on me.

I mean, we've taken them on holiday four or five times with us, we see them when it's a good time for us - have them to stay over the weekend.

It's still not enough. They have no hobbies or interests of their own despite being young and fit - early sixties.

I'm getting pretty hacked off with the pressure. I've got 4 dcs and all the work that comes with them and their activities.

I feel like it's unfair they have a "chat" with dh every time and then he tries to pressure me into having them down more often. I just don't want to because I want to see other people too.

Am I wrong?

FolkGirl Mon 24-Mar-14 04:18:48

That's a tough one.

I can completely understand your perspective but, if they love their grandchildren, every 2 and a half to three months isn't much - it means that they might only see you all 4 times a year. And when you put it like that...

What does your husband think when he's with you? Do you know what he really thinks, or does he agree with you as easily as he agrees with them? If you and he have made a decision you're both happy with, he should stick by it when he talks to his parents.

I do get how hard it is, though. My exH and I had to make a similar decision, but it had less of an impact because our family was so much smaller!

cozietoesie Mon 24-Mar-14 06:15:53

How far away do they live from you? And how old are the DCs?

GuybrushThreepwoodMP Mon 24-Mar-14 06:25:27

It doesn't seem like very often to be honest- every two to three months is a long time not to see grandchildren. I agree that the pressure is unfair, but I think expecting them to just accept setting their grandkids that rarely just because you are too busy is pretty unfair too. They won't be around forever you know.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Mar-14 06:29:40

You're not wrong. 'Having them down' suggests distance and when family lives at a distance they can't have as close a relationship with you as the people who live close by. They can't just pop by for a cup of tea, it's a full weekend with all that entails. If you have a large family with busy schedules, weekends are precious. I live 200 miles from my parents and we see them about five or six times a year. Perhaps DH should suggest to your PILs that if they want to be more involved with your family they should move closer.

JeanSeberg Mon 24-Mar-14 06:37:11

Do they drive? Could they take each of the children in turn to stay with them for a few nights over school holidays (depending on the age of the children)?

winkywinkola Mon 24-Mar-14 06:42:06

They live 250 miles away. But there's another set of gps to consider too. Plus my five brothers. Plus friends. Plus the dcs own social loves. I think we've enough pressure. I know they won't be around forever but is that really a rationale to start having even more visits,more travel etc.

They won't move. They've got other gcs nearer to where they live. Plus if they moved, we would become totally responsible for them in terms of their social life. I'm not prepared to be responsible in that. They aren't exactly proactive sorts in any way.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Mar-14 06:45:52

Then your problem is really DH. It's fairly reasonable for his parents to say they'd love to see more of you and it's reasonable for him to say the same thing in return. But there should be no getting upset and angry about it and there should be no taking anything out on anyone. That's quite unacceptable.

yegodsandlittlefishes Mon 24-Mar-14 06:49:31

It could be they don't have much in the way of hobbies because they don't want to miss out on time with the grandchildren, and want to be giving the impression they're available to help. I think you need to give them a choice of dates 8 & 10 weekends from when you last saw them, and be clear that you're not available until then (and will be booking something else on the other weekend and will be sticking to it.) I think if you treat them and their calendar thevway you want to be treated it will get better over time. You don't needvto tell them what you're doing the rwst of the time. You could say you want to leave it until you see them and have the chance of a proper catch up.

The other thing you can do is see them only with the aunts/uncles/friends and that way you have more time freed up for just you, your DH and DCs.

winkywinkola Mon 24-Mar-14 06:50:40

He gets really upset and angry. And accuses me of stopping him from seeing them. Wtf? He's going up there for a school reunion this weekend after having had them here this weekend. I suggested that he stay there all day Sunday as it's Mother's Day and he said he didn't want to. Eh?

glossyflower Mon 24-Mar-14 06:53:52

One day they won't be around and your children will struggle to remember what granny and grandad did with them.
Obviously you and PIL see 'family' in a very different way especially if as you put it having to fit them in your busy lives.
Maybe you need to step back and slow down. Enjoy the people in your lives and make happy memories together.

NUFC69 Mon 24-Mar-14 06:54:19

All the GPs I know who are away from their GC see them once every four/five weeks, so I have sympathy with your iLs, I am afraid.

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 24-Mar-14 06:57:11

Sorry..but..how would you feel when your kids grow up and have children if they decided you just were unimportant distant relatives and only wanted to see you every 3 months?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Mar-14 07:02:18

They won't be around for ever?? 'Unimportant distant relatives?' FFS enough guilt tripping you miserable lot. They live 250 miles away !!!! That's about an eight hour round trip for either party and it turns it into a big all-weekend event rather than - as I used to do with my Granny who lived 10 miles away - a quick brew and everyone back on the bus.

It's what Skype was invented for, surely?

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 24-Mar-14 07:04:15

I am not guilt tripping.

We only manage to see our inlaws that often.

But its saying she doesn't see them as more important than cousins that got to me.

As she is a mum and will probably be a grandparent one day.

It's a fair point. She should see their side.

glossyflower Mon 24-Mar-14 07:08:43

I agree that the physical distance is an issue. Skype is an excellent suggestion

ilovemountains Mon 24-Mar-14 07:10:02

I totally understand. My pils come to stay every fifth weekend, for the whole weekend, yet only live fifty minutes away. They also have no social life of their own, and have no interest in providing childcare so we all have to be in attendance all weekend. We also get the guilt tripping. Unfortunately I have no answers.

eddielizzard Mon 24-Mar-14 07:14:17

well how about some sort of compromise? they come more often but don't stay with you every time. stay in a b&b round the corner. they come for lunch / dinner whatever fits around your other commitments.

i can see they wouldn't be particularly happy about that though.

the other option is they come more often but they've got to be more independent and let you get on with things. invite them on a weekend when the kids have a ton of activities. then get gp to take them.

or when they do come, they come for longer. instead of weekend, 5 days ugh

any of that work?

winkywinkola Mon 24-Mar-14 07:14:50

Eh? Why are gps more important than any other relative?

That may be YOUR own persoanl hierarchy of relatives but it's not mine. Not does it have to be.

I'm afraid I really hope my dcs see the world, settle where they want and I will be delighted to see them when possible.

I would never try to revolve my life around other people, particularly young and busy families unless they expressly asked me too.

I intend to have a very and active retirement! grin

FanjoForTheMammaries Mon 24-Mar-14 07:20:08

Well in your DH's "personal hierarchy of relatives" they are his parents. So quite high up.

Why do you have to all go? Why doesn't DP take a different kid or two and meet up whenever he wants? You both then get more quality time with individual kids that way. I agree it's not fair if they really are pressuring him but as kids grow older, things like that change. It's not really you they want to see I'm sure but if they don't have very independent lives they will need it explained that your marriage is different not worse.

lanbro Mon 24-Mar-14 07:22:49

My parents and in laws see our dc at least once a week.Ok, we're all local but my dad fancied moving about 100 miles away and my mum refused. My mil sees the girls at least twice a week, she would be gutted with not seeing them. See is 70, I want her to spend as much time with them as she can because she won't be here forever.

I think you're being mean and imo grandparents are more important than aunts and uncles!

clam Mon 24-Mar-14 07:25:17

So, when they come down, are you expected to set aside the whole weekend purely for them? Or can you multi-task, and have other things, i.e. normal family life, running alongside?

winkywinkola Mon 24-Mar-14 07:25:26

I'm being mean because I don't want to travel 250 there and back every month? Oh ok. Plus my dad who loves 600 miles away. And my mum who lives 180 mrs in the other direction. Okay. I will spend every weekend travelling to keep everyone else happy.

Erm, nope.

winkywinkola Mon 24-Mar-14 07:26:28

And dh regards all his family as equally important. We see his sister and her dcs too. He wouldn't have a preference.

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