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Just had the "I've paid for everything and now you're going to steal it all" conversation

(225 Posts)
Amicus1966 Sun 23-Mar-14 22:14:55

Have told DH that I cannot live like this much longer so he really needs to push the estate agent re selling the house so we can both find somewhere else.
He has come at me with a tirade of how HE put the majority of the money into the property, how he pays all the bills ( including HIS sky sports) and that I can't expect to just walk off with half the proceeds from " his" house.
Seems to have completely overlooked the fact that I have spent eleven years liking after our children so he could go to work, play golf whenever he felt like it and bugger off on his all boys golfing hols.
Tried to explain that the proceeds from the sale have to be split to but a home for him and a home for me AND his DCs. Have also explained that neither of us will be able to afford a 4 bed detached with downstairs cloakroom and master bedroom with ensure (which we currently have) so get over it!
He is stalling as he doesnot want to leave this house. Neither do I but hey ho shit happens.
He has come out with the classic line that "all women are gold diggers", and "home wreckers".
He just doesn't get that downsizing is the only option and says the DCs are going to hate me for making them move into a "cramped hovel" as he calls it.
Why do they have to be so awkward when things are hard enough already?

50pchair Sun 23-Mar-14 22:19:00

Can't think why you're splitting up....

He sounds vile. Good luck LTB. flowers

BillyBanter Sun 23-Mar-14 22:21:25

Are you stealing half of his sky sports? confused

Good luck. He's being a twat.

Dahlen Sun 23-Mar-14 22:21:50

Tell him that you will take less than half of the house when he reimburses you at NMW rate for housekeeping and childcare duties for 11 years along with a bonus payment for loss of earnings you experienced while sacrificing your career in order to facilitate the smooth-running of his.

And then point out that no amount of blaming or bitterness is going to fix your failed relationship and the best thing you can do for both of you and particularly for the children is to remain amicable and split things 50/50 as quickly and cleanly as possible. If he cannot do that then he is clearly incapable of putting his DC before his own wounded pride and bank balance.

Dahlen Sun 23-Mar-14 22:23:12

My first paragraph will equate to about £140,000 I think. wink

arthriticfingers Sun 23-Mar-14 22:24:28

Go on admit it - you're really after (half) the golf on his Sky package, aren't you? grin
All strength to you - sounds like you will need it.

HarrietSchulenberg Sun 23-Mar-14 22:24:32

My ex-H is the same, but I'm still living in the house with DCs and he's living rent free at his mum's.

Apparemtly I'm a gold digger too but he doesn't seem to comprehend that the maintenance he pays us each month goes towards the mortgage on the house which is still half his.

He also struggles to remember that he earns nearly 4 times what I do as I can only work during school hours, and that this does not mean that I am lazy and do nothing during the hours that I am not earning money.

That attitude was one of the many things that split us up.

BillyBanter Sun 23-Mar-14 22:24:37

Is that at 24 hours a day, Dahlen?

EBearhug Sun 23-Mar-14 22:27:19

Don't forget to include shift/on-call allowances.

Dahlen Sun 23-Mar-14 22:28:20

Billy - no, that's just the hours the OP would have been working outside the home if she hadn't been caring for children. Since she is their parent too they are 50% her responsibility so she couldn't reasonably claim for the time she wouldn't be working. £140,000 is still an underestimate though, as there will so much that isn't included in that, it only breaks down to equivalent hours childcare and cleaning. It doesn't factor in things like the time spent planning the weekly shop, for example, all of which sort of thing was I bet the OP's responsibility for the duration of their marriage. Nor does it factor in things like childcare while the H was swanning off for recreational purposes like golf.

MuttonCadet Sun 23-Mar-14 22:31:22

I wouldn't start at 50:50 if you are the main carer, make sure you get a decent solicitor.

Amicus1966 Sun 23-Mar-14 22:49:27

I have benn looking at 50/50 as that would leave us both with about £80,000 each to buy somewhere else.
He could afford a mortgage on a nice house with that and I could afford to buy a 3 bed terraced outright which is what I hope to do. I am prepared to sleep on a bed setee downstairs to allow the DCs to have sep bedrooms still as that's what they are used to. He just wants to live in the style that he has become accustomed to and can't get his head round the fact that we are both going to have to make sacrifices.
I have expressly told him that "this is not about what is best for us but the DCs", why can't he see this too?

whitsernam Sun 23-Mar-14 22:54:44

He can see it. He just doesn't want to admit that life is changing, or that you have contributed to his success. Stick to your guns and get a good solicitor!

Twitterqueen Sun 23-Mar-14 22:55:55

I had the same conversation - which exH continued by refusing to pay any child maintenance and stealing all the money from the joint account. CSA were great though I waited too long before claiming. Now he's (apparently) unemployed and still refusing to pay anything because he's "paid above and beyond already".

16 years of working my life and career around him.... what fools we women are

50pchair Sun 23-Mar-14 22:57:30

Amicus, you are thinking on the assumption that he is a fair & rational human being. He can't see your point because he's a selfish arse.

lovemenot Sun 23-Mar-14 23:01:28

Another gold digger here, and sure why would he want to sell HIS house! In fact, mine is so good he will allow me to live here if we can "reconstitute a courteous working relationship" according to his solicitor. I'm such a lucky gold digger!

Dahlen Sun 23-Mar-14 23:06:18

He doesn't want to change the status quo and probably doesn't think your reasons for calling off the relationship are valid. He is angry at you. In order to justify his anger rather than face that he's behaving like a petulant child, he has to make you out to be the bad guy (or woman). That means warping reality to make it so. He can't see it from a rational POV because that would mean he has to behave like a rational being, and right now he's not ready to do that. Hopefully, with time, he will be.

Who initiated the divorce? If it was you then it's not surprising he's kicking off and behaving like this - of course you are right about needing to sell up etc but he'd have to be an absolute saint to take it without a bit of bad behaviour.

However if he wants the divorce then he is being a right royal arse.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sun 23-Mar-14 23:16:47

Definitely don't start at 50/50, you don't want to be sleeping on a sofa bed for the rest of your life.

Amicus1966 Sun 23-Mar-14 23:26:04

Well I've been sleeping on a 2 seater sofa for nearly a year, so a sofa bed would be a move up!
He meanwhile has been in the suprking size bed. Although I did make it clear to him that I would rather do that than sleep with him any longer.
He's just putting money above our DCs and then having the gall to tell me to leave the DCs with him as they are used to living in a "nice" house.
Yeah, will do, when he'll freezes over.

Bear in mind that his wishes don't matter as far as the law is concerned, and he can stamp his feet as much as he likes: you are married and the DC are entitled to a decent home, so any judgements will be made with that in mind.
ANd just ignore him. Leave the room when he starts ranting and progress with your solicitor to get the job done. If he becomes aggressive, call the police.

fifi669 Mon 24-Mar-14 00:36:26

I say do go 50:50. He'll end up having the kids too and when they move out you'd be left with a bigger house than him if you don't. Why would that be fair?

andsmile Mon 24-Mar-14 00:44:47

But will you get the jar of chutney?

OP, the responses here are making me laugh out loud, as are yours! You've got the determination, it's clear, to make a better life for you and DC. Good for you <raises dregs wine>

Amicus1966 Mon 24-Mar-14 09:46:01

He is now talking about staying in the family home and considering offering me £80,000 . Will also pay £60 per week CM for the 3 DCs.
I think this is fair but not sure where he's suddenly going to produce that amount from. I know he has a few 'secret' accounts but not sure they amount to that much.
Anyway is this a fair offer or am I in his words "being greedy"?

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