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Boyfriend cheated on weekend away....with a stripper/prostitute!

(114 Posts)
OldCatLady Sun 23-Mar-14 19:52:10

I'll try to keep this short.

Been with OH just over a year, great relationship, no issues, looking to move in together soon.

I had an interview in his area this weekend (we live 2 hours apart) and afterward he was acting funny. It took a while but eventually he blurted out that when he went on a friends stag weekend last month he got very drunk and friends egged him on to have a private dance. Not much of an issue with that, I can deal with it. But this 'dance' ended in unprotected sex.

He has been tested, but needs to wait 3 months to have a reliable HIV test. Luckily we haven't had sex since then as I was ill and then we were at his parents so no chance of me having anything.

He was VERY apologetic, crying, saying he hasn't slept, felt sick ever since, had suicidal thoughts etc and I don't think it's an act, I really believe he is sorry.

I love him, I really do but I can't get my head around what he's done. Anyone been through this? What am I supposed to do?? Can you forgive such a betrayal?

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow Sun 23-Mar-14 19:53:13

No. Absolutely no chance. That would kill it stone dead for me.

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow Sun 23-Mar-14 19:54:31

If he'd had a drunken one night stand with a woman he'd met, I think I could forgive that, just... But the scenario you describe is utterly revolting.

Umlauf Sun 23-Mar-14 19:54:49

God no. If that's what he thinks of women...

noddyholder Sun 23-Mar-14 19:54:58

He sounds a little disturbed. He has unprotected sex with someone he knows nothing about when he is in a relationship and then feels the need to tell you he has thought of suicide as a result? I would run a mile sorry

MildDrPepperAddiction Sun 23-Mar-14 19:56:42

Nope. If he has little/self control now I wouldn't count on it improving over time. I couldn't forget what he'd done.

I would find that unforgivable. You don't have children together or live together so I would get out now while it's easier

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Mar-14 20:01:57

I'd never be able to forgive something like that. Worse... every time he goes out for a few drinks you'll be wondering what he's up to. That's no life. I'm sure he is feeling very sorry for himself but the suicide threats etc sound like a gross overreaction and I'd be very, very suspicious....


OldCatLady Sun 23-Mar-14 20:06:22

I just don't know if I can cope with dealing with what he's done AND dealing with a breakup. After some very shitty relationships, I thought I'd found the one.

Dealing with what he's done is hard enough, I suffer with depression myself and I feel like a breakup is going to tip me over the edge sad I don't know what to do...

I still love him and want to be with him, but I realise how utterly ridiculous that is.

Casmama Sun 23-Mar-14 20:11:48

I don't think I could forgive this- it's just so sordid.
I could just about tolerate a strip club on a stag do but would draw the line at private dances and the thought of my oh paying a woman to fuck her in a strip club without a condom would be so abhorrent that I could not move past it.

EdithWeston Sun 23-Mar-14 20:11:49

I'd find a ONS easier to deal with than an affair (because of the absence of emotional content), but I would struggle with paid sex, because I just don't see how anyone gives themself 'permission' to do this, and it's not 'carried away' but a deliberate transaction.

Do not continue your plans to move in with him.

I suffer with depression too and can safely say you'll feel far more depressed in time when it's sunk in and you're still with him. You're worth much more than that thanks

(I know everyone's different but fgs the man could've given you something nasty and did something that shows his view of women to be pretty skewed tbh).

You need to do what's right for you then if you can't deal with a break up. I couldn't have sex with a man who had done this but everybody has different limits. I don't really see how staying with this man will help your depression. It would totally crush my spirit and my self esteem and I don't have depression

Joysmum Sun 23-Mar-14 20:14:54

I'd be more likely to want to try to work through a one night stand purely for sex than an emotional affair. Things would never be the same again though and I don't think it'd work but I'd probably try rather than simply saying it was over.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 23-Mar-14 20:15:56

What's he going to do to ensure he's not egged on to have sex with a stripper again?

In between all his bleating about suicidal thoughts has he actually come up with a plan as to what he will do to address the fact that he's a persuadable fuckwit?

Could you ever bring yourself to have sex with him again? I'd be revolted at the thought of it tbh.

BertieBotts Sun 23-Mar-14 20:16:10

He's had suicidal thoughts over this hmm

Sorry but I think he is bullshitting you with crocodile tears and/or emotional manipulation. I just find this a really unlikely thing for him to feel suicidal over. Surely, if it is THAT important that he would consider ending his life, he wouldn't have done it in the first place. And also, most people who are suicidal don't go around telling all of their nearest and dearest how upset they are with life, if he genuinely felt that low and awful about himself, he would not be fighting for you.

Rebecca2014 Sun 23-Mar-14 20:16:29

He is very good at turning the whole thing around and making you feel sorry for poor him! He is actually pretty clever.

I would not forgive it, due to the short length of the relationship and how sleazy the whole thing was I would walk now. If he can cheat only a year into the relationship then I wouldn't put it past him to do it again.

bellablot Sun 23-Mar-14 20:17:32

Get rid

LIZS Sun 23-Mar-14 20:18:06

You will never trust him fully again . Every time he is out with his mates you will worry. Why inflict this on yourself ?

Badvoc Sun 23-Mar-14 20:18:37

Oh dear.
It's all about him and how he feels isn't it?
And don't look back.

jamtoast12 Sun 23-Mar-14 20:19:53

I can bet the only think he's truly worried about is his health given she's a prostitute. I'm guessing he wouldn't feel half as sorry if he slept with a random girl in a bar. I'd get out now....for this to happen after only one year leaves little hope for the future.

Smilesandpiles Sun 23-Mar-14 20:22:03

Knowing what he has done, can you see yourself having sex with him again?

I bloody couldn't.

BecauseIsaidS0 Sun 23-Mar-14 20:22:30

I had a boyfriend once (when naive little me was young) who said that he'd kill himself if I ever left him.

I eventually gathered the courage to dump him. He didn't kill himself, he started sleeping with someone else one week after we broke up.

lurkingaround Sun 23-Mar-14 20:24:44

This must be terrible for you.
But gosh. So he was forced to have a private lap dance and then unfortunately it ended in: paid for, unprotected sex. And really it wasn't his fault as he was so drunk and now he's sorry. In your first year as a couple.

I'm sorry to be brutal, but run for the hills.

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