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THe DS I was pushed to have adopted is leaving this week

(75 Posts)
Bogeyface Sun 23-Mar-14 01:09:32

I just need to get this out, no need to respond, I just need to write this down.

When I was 16 I thought I was pregnant by my BF, I got a test at the FPC (as it was) and was told I wasnt. 5 months later I realised that I was, it was too late for a termination (which I would have had) and I was no longer with the BF. I didnt tell anyone until I was 8 months and obviously pg, when my parents pushed me to answer them. I said I would have him adopted, it seemed so simple. I was pg and I didnt want to be so I would have him adopted, he would get a good life and I could go on like nothing had happened.

Then I had him. As soon as I looked into his eyes I knew he was mine and I could never let him go. My father couldnt cope with the idea that his first grandchild would be given away, he sobbed and sobbed. My mother however pushed me to go through with the adoption for him and me. She wanted me to have the opportunities that she never had and thought (wrongly) that a child would prevent that. She also didnt want her grandchild to be brought up in a single parent family. This was 1990.

I was told in hospital that I was fine and could go home but DS had jaundice and needed to stay in. He had a foster family lined up, so I needed to make a decision. I sat there with mum on one side telling me that I knew what I must do, I should do the right thing for him and me and give him away, and dad in tears. I said "I am keeping him, if that means I have to move out then I will".

I kept him. 23 years later he is still with me. But this week he is moving out. I want him to move out because he needs to move his life on, he needs to find his feet and be his own man.

I cant stop crying. I feel just like I did on that day, sitting on that hospital bed with my newborn son in his crib next to me, with social workers, my parents, the foster parents, the midwives, all waiting for him to leave me.

23 years but it feels like 5 minutes.

PassAFist Sun 23-Mar-14 01:13:05

Well done you for being able to speak up against all those other voices, I would not have been able to do that at 16. Not sure I could do it now at 44!
I am sure this is a difficult time for you but be proud! You brought him up to be a young man who now feels able to go it alone - YOU did that! That's awesome! Wipe the tears away and give yourself a pat on the back.

karmakoala Sun 23-Mar-14 01:16:13

I hope that there's happy years too, for the 23 years that you nearly lost.

SummerRain Sun 23-Mar-14 01:16:46

Oh bogey, I've got tears streaming down my face reading that.

I'm so glad you were brave enough to stand up to your mother and the social workers and do what felt right to you, not many girls of that age would have been strong enough to withstand the pressure when hormonal and scared.

It's great to hear that it worked out for you and you've raised your boy to adulthood despite everything that was against you.

Good luck to your lad with his new stage of life, and flowers, wine and a box of tissues for you smile

evelynj Sun 23-Mar-14 01:21:30

What a wonderful time you have had. So many aren't as lucky as you. I hope he has a good life & if or when he had children of his own that you support his & the grandchildren's mothers decisions smile

Sleepyheadx Sun 23-Mar-14 01:22:14

massive hugs . Omg I've got goosebumps reading that .
I thought halfway trough you had lost him and was so relieved to read on . Wow well done you and you stuck with your maternal instincts and I bet your an amazing mum.
You are giving your baby wings which is a great gift in itself . I always children are only lent to us and we teac them to grow wings fly away and make their own families . You know he'll come back . How lucky are you both that you've shared 23 years so together . I'm making the most of every day with dd she's off to medical school soon and I cry regularly as we are so very close .i d never let her see that tho I want her to go confident and excited and hopefully full of wonderful memories .
perhaps it still haunts you more than you realise that you were so near to having him adopted ? Do you have someone to talk to ?
my bro is 40 and still attached to my mums umbilicus ! Itsso sad because they just wouldn't let go or encourage him to make a life of his own . They actually pressured him to stay and now he is a little clone of his elderly parents . when they die he has no partner and no children. And while there is still time he only sees them and only admires them .
well done . you sound amazing x x x

gertiegusset Sun 23-Mar-14 01:31:09

Bless you, I hope he has a fantastic life ahead of him, don't those years fly by.
We had our baby GD for the day today, it was THE BEST!
You have all that to look forward to.

Bogeyface Sun 23-Mar-14 01:32:53

Thank you all so much smile

I should say that I dont cry in front of him and beat my breast and scream "OMG!!! How can you leave me?!!" grin

It just feels like a little bereavement. I fought to keep him, I fought for him every day of his life. He had oxygen starvation during his birth and has cerebal palsy as a result. And now he is giving himself to the world, who wont love him as I do, look after him as I did, push him as I did!

I do want him to move his life on to the next stage, I know he must do that, it just hurts.

I remember his (and his siblings) first day at school, it feels like that! You have to trust other people with the most precious thing in your life, but unlike school I am trusting the whole world with him. The bastards, the bitches, the chancers, the users...

He is bloody brilliant though, he really is smile

Forago Sun 23-Mar-14 02:01:10

hope he's not going too far! What an awesome story - hope he knows it all.

Ecclefechan Sun 23-Mar-14 02:05:55

Well done Bogeyface and good luck to, erm, YoungBogey grin

cherrytree63 Sun 23-Mar-14 02:41:15

Bogey I wish you and your son all the happiness and good fortune in the world!
I understand how you feel, my "babies" are 20 and 22, still live with me, but having them grow up sometimes feels like a bereavement when I think they'll never be my babies again :-)

differentnameforthis Sun 23-Mar-14 03:55:27

I fought to keep him And you are not losing him. Him moving out is a huge deal, yes...but you are the one who gave him what he needs to be able to go out into that world alone.

He'll be home to see you
He'll call

He'll still be your child.

ItsGotCocaineInIt Sun 23-Mar-14 04:08:01

He's leaving your house, he's not leaving your life.
I can hear the strength of love you have for him leaping off the page in your words!
You have always been there for him and always will, and he knows it!
But have some wine and tissues for moving day! Good luck to him!

Atbeckandcall Sun 23-Mar-14 05:25:01

Of course he is bloody brilliant. He's had you as is as his mum.

And of course you feel bereaved, it's completely normal.

I know you weren't looking for people to post but I'm very moved by what you said.

How lucky your dc are to have you as their mum.thanks

imip Sun 23-Mar-14 06:03:39

That's such a lovely story, you're an awesome Mum faced with some enormously touch decisions at such a young age. Be proud of your son, and yourself....

Mine are still under the age of 7, I won't be facing this for a long time yet! I will probably be a mess....

desertmum Sun 23-Mar-14 07:31:57

You have obviously brought him up to be strong and independent and able to move forward with this life, and he will know that and always thank you for it and love you for it. My DD started Uni this year and when she left I was like you, grief stricken, we were so close. We are close again now after a time when she moved on and cut the apron strings, now she is back and visits and phones and chats like before. Not sure I am making sense, but I think our children need to move away to make that break - but they always come back. You should be so proud of yourself and your son - you have done an amazing job.
I have a nephew like sleepy, at home late 30's, no friends, part time job - such a waste of a life. Be proud and cheer him on.

Anniegetyourgun Sun 23-Mar-14 08:23:12

Oh wow. Of course you're going to miss him like crazy and it's hard to get out of the habit of looking after them. But the fact that he can move on and start an independent life is proof that you did a fabulous job. He's leaving for the right reason now, whereas when he was born it would have been for the wrong reason (under the circumstances - of course it's not wrong for everyone but it would clearly have been wrong for you). You've had 23 years of his company and hopefully more to come, unless he's emigrating to another planet!

mumblechum1 Sun 23-Mar-14 08:29:14

If it helps at all, I felt terrible in the weeks leading up to DS leaving to go to Uni as we have always been very close.

Now he's gone, though, I just feel joy when I see him (rarely) and hear from him (almost daily) as he has totally blossomed in his new environment, and I know it was absolutely the right thing for him to do.

But hugs to you anyway because I do know what you're going through. I remember sobbing when I did my first internet shop after he'd left and all his favourites were coming up on the list and I wasn't ordering them blush

Your son will always love you and come back to see you sometimes.

pausingforbreath Sun 23-Mar-14 10:25:09

Bogey,

I will pass on something my lovely ( RIP ) Mum said to me as I held my firstborn in my arms.

' There are two gifts we should give our children. One is roots. The other is wings. '

You have given both of these to your son, be proud of what you have achieved.

Hugs to you .

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Sun 23-Mar-14 10:29:02

Such a bittersweet day for you today. Be proud that he is the man you made him, be thankful for those 23 years you could have missed and for all the future happy times you will share and be kind to yourself.

Thattimeofyearagain Sun 23-Mar-14 10:29:19

You are amazing & inspirational. flowers

Buckteethjeff Sun 23-Mar-14 10:31:14

flowers wow!

Lovely lovely story xx

Kewcumber Sun 23-Mar-14 10:31:58

You should be so proud of making the choices you did.

DS is never leaving home (unlike you I will be nailing his trainers to the floor).

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 23-Mar-14 10:34:45

I seem to have something into eye. Both of them

Parsley1234 Sun 23-Mar-14 10:34:52

Amazing ! We'll done for fighting for him he must be so lucky to have had you as a mum !

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