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My DP cheated with a man..

(166 Posts)
threeblueducks Sat 22-Mar-14 17:12:32

He's always been open about being bisexual but has only ever been with women.
He cheated on me 3 years ago when I was 17 weeks pregnant and 4 weeks before our wedding day and I know I should have left then but I wasn't strong enough.
Today he took his phone in the bathroom to play music while he showered and left it playing once finished so I went to turn it off, swiped the screen and some app called 'grindr' came up. I saw he'd set up a profile and sent pictures to men and one said about meeting Sunday (tomorrow).
So I asked him about it. I'm quite open minded and don't mince my words or bullshit so I asked him about it. What's this app? Why is it on your phone? Why are you sending nude photos to people?
He denied it all and said he didn't know what I was talking about, rolled his eyes and told me I shouldn't look at his phone.
I pushed him and pushed him until he snapped at me and told me that yes he'd been on the app. Sent photos. Arranged to meet. And that last Sunday while I took our 2 year old to his great nans for dinner, he went 'on the spur of the moment' and had full on sex with a stranger he'd been talking to. They did everything you could imagine from what he has told me.
I vomited through shock and told him to get away from me and have kind of locked myself away upstairs. Our son is downstairs with him playing like normal and he keeps texting my phone telling me he's sorry and will make it right.
There's no way that can happen is there?? It'll never be right again. sad

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 17:15:39

Oh good god! That is heartbreaking.

You are right, it will never be the same, never be right again. He needs to do more than apologise!

I don't actually have any advice beyond talk to him. Make sure you keep lines of communication open and then make the best decision for you and your DS.

Good luck

Logg1e Sat 22-Mar-14 17:17:08

Well, it was "right" after the last time he cheated.

cuggles Sat 22-Mar-14 17:17:47

oh no how awful op.I am so sorry this has happened but no I could not see a way back from here if it were me..male or female affair! I hate to be a scare monger too but would be worth a visit to sti clinic I guess. I hope you have rl support! Again, sorry!

upthedamnwotsit Sat 22-Mar-14 17:21:30

I'm so sorry. No, I don't think it will be right again. This is at least the second time that he'd cheated, and it sounds very planned out. Definitely get an STD test no matter what, just in case there's been other times- I'd ask to be checked for everything if I were you, for the sake of your health.

I don't know if cheating with a man is better or worse than with another woman...
Either way, very painful OP. I think he needs to leave immediately for a while so you can get your head clear. And then take the next step, whatever that may be.
wine or brew whatever helps!

Do you feel strpnger this time to get rid?

AnyFucker Sat 22-Mar-14 17:26:46

How can he make it "right" ? confused

Two strikes and he is out, surely, no matter which gender his wandering cock can't keep away from.

HermioneWeasley Sat 22-Mar-14 17:32:21

I don't know if your relationship can recover but you need to go and get screened for STIs. Then you can decide if you want to try and save the relationship, and if he's willing to do what that might take.

Quinteszilla Sat 22-Mar-14 17:32:40

He can "make it right" by packing a bag and leaving without causing problems?

threeblueducks Sat 22-Mar-14 17:33:48

It's going to be tough and I'm going to have to rethink career plans and where I live due to childcare and general costs but I think I need to get out.
I have no rl support at the moment as haven't told anyone but I can call on people if I need to. I'm just so worried about what would happen to me and ds.

Pointeshoes Sat 22-Mar-14 17:37:30

Leave , you should be treated like this , you deserve so much better. If you stayed , you wouldn't trust him again. Hopefully someone will have practical advice on what to do soon.

Pointeshoes Sat 22-Mar-14 17:37:51

God that should say shouldn't *

Nomama Sat 22-Mar-14 17:39:09

Ach! Just remember there are plenty of people here who have had to make similar choices. You will always get a response, a point of view. Even if you don't like it it will give you something to work on.

Don't rush yourself. Just make the right choices for you.

crispyporkbelly Sat 22-Mar-14 17:42:46

Jesus fucking Christ, you poor woman.

What a selfish bastard. Well, I hope that shag was worth it because he's lost his family now over it. Dickhead.

Tell him he needs to pack his bag and give you some headspace. Then confide in a friend/your mum so you can have some emotional support in RL, I can't imagine how confused/upset/angry you must feel right now. Also second the STI check. xxx

Make it right?

No, he can't.

Not because he had sex with a man but because he had sex outside his relationship.

Don't let him use the fact that he's bisexual as an excuse for his cheating. No matter what gender you're attracted to, if you make a commitment to a monogamous relationship you stick with it.

You're going to have to get yourself to a clinic and get checked out.

You will be fine. Your ds will be fine. And, I'm sorry to say but your 'd'p sounds like he'll be just fine without you.

Joysmum Sat 22-Mar-14 18:24:56

He cheated once. You've just got him to admit he cheated again last week, and you've caught him trying to cheat on you again tomorrow because he wanted to and thought he could get away with it.

He's shown you 3 times that he values his wants above your needs. He can't put that right.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Sat 22-Mar-14 18:27:49

No, it wont be right again, you forgave on the assumption he'd never do it again and he did.

As walter said, get checked, better to be safe than sorry.

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 22-Mar-14 18:56:36

Why did he feel the need to fill you in on every last sordid detail? You can never get that out of your head now. That in itself just sounds so cruel.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Sat 22-Mar-14 19:14:28

He is a serial cheater. Will he leave the house now if you ask?

Paddie Sat 22-Mar-14 19:17:51

It really doesn't matter who he cheated with....he betrayed your trust....
For some people this can be rebuilt for others it's a break moment...can you see yourself trusting him again....or renegotiating boundaries for a non-monogamous relationship.....

wrapsuperstar Sat 22-Mar-14 19:26:30

Nope, there is no way he can make it right. Casual, practically anonymous sex like this is desperately risky and he could've put you in all sorts of danger.

It is also an emotional betrayal of the highest order and you need to leave him before he can do you or your family any more damage than he already has. He is a reckless, selfish man and you do not need him around you or your children a minute longer.

AmberSweet Sat 22-Mar-14 19:56:45

I know what you're going through OP. My ex also cheated on me with a man (well men as far as I can gather) but I wasn't aware of the fact that he was bisexual (or gay I'm still not quite sure as he has only been in relationships with men since we split) and we also had a young child at the time. It's a double blow because of the cheating and also feeling inadequate, the fact you knew he was bisexual is besides the point as you said he had not previously actually been with a man. I just wanted to hand hold and let you know that someone understands. I also agree with the others that you need to get yourself checked out and get rid of him. You deserve so much better sad

ThisFenceIsComfy Sat 22-Mar-14 20:09:34

Bloomin' hell. I never post on Relationship threads normally but reading this I have to say that I don't know if he will ever make this right. I don't go in of all the LTB crap on here but it's now the second time he's cheated and he probably will again.

I find it hard to imagine that you will be happy with him long term. Start being brave and thinking what's best for you and your DS now. I mean that with a lot of kindess and sympathy.

God, poor you OP

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