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I don't want to rip my family apart but I have to. He slapped our DD's face.

(363 Posts)
FlatsInDagenham Fri 21-Mar-14 23:43:45

I will try to keep the story short. Last night DH slapped our 5yo DD's face because she was being obstinate, arguing and refusing to listen to him. Not hard enough to hurt much, but still, a slap on the face.

He has form for this kind of thing.

I have told him I want to separate.

He is devastated. I am devastated. When DD finds out, she will be devastated too. Our 2yo DD might not notice much but she loves her dad.

So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart.

But I just cannot accept his treatment of our DD. If he had shown any regret or questioned his own actions at all, I might have been able to help him through it. But he stands by his actions "110%". Just like he stood by his actions the other times. I can't stand by him and let it happen again. I can't co-parent with a man who thinks that a 5yo can be "manipulative", has in the past described her as a "little bitch" and thinks it's ok to slap her face.

He's not a bad person (yes I know how that sounds but it's true). But sometimes he gets it so unbelievably wrong - parenting, I mean. He also has alcohol issues (though I must stress that he hadn't been drinking when this happened) that have plagued our marriage for more years than I care to remember. Many times I thought I'd end our relationship over the alcohol. But in the end it's something else that's tipped me over the edge. He slapped our DD's face. For arguing back. I can't come back from that.

Oh God, please tell me I haven't over reacted (he thinks I have). Please tell me if you think I'm splitting up our precious family unnecessarily.

fusspot66 Fri 21-Mar-14 23:45:13

You are making the right decision. Poor child.

mousmous Fri 21-Mar-14 23:46:40

he's not a good man or father if he treats you (?) and our dd like this. you are better off without him.
plan carefully, though.

Magmar Fri 21-Mar-14 23:46:47

You have not overreacted.

flowers

monkey9237 Fri 21-Mar-14 23:49:36

Sorry for your awful situation. Your family - without him - will still be just as precious. You're doing the right thing. You are putting your children's physical wellbeing and security first. My child is 5 too - they are still so little. Take care.

FlatsInDagenham Fri 21-Mar-14 23:49:47

Mousmous, what do you mean by 'plan carefully' please?

fizzyface Fri 21-Mar-14 23:51:16

Leave him. Your poor DD cannot defend herself and needs you to protect her. Even if he was prepared to accept that his behaviour is unacceptable your children deserve to be safe. Would you accept it if he slapped you around the face for being 'manipulative'?

Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest. Continue to be strong, your precious daughters need you to be x

mousmous Fri 21-Mar-14 23:52:28

I mean that the time of leaving is the most dangerous for the women and children. please take care.

Joules68 Fri 21-Mar-14 23:52:33

What else has he fine? You say he has form...

Absolutely thd right thing to do, but sadly I think you need to have it noted officially. He's likely to ask for contact later on....

LettertoHermioneGranger Fri 21-Mar-14 23:52:43

You are not overreacting. You are doing the right thing.

Joules68 Fri 21-Mar-14 23:52:47

*done

You haven't overreacted. He's an abusive bully who thinks that you and the children are his possessions and that he is entitled to use physical force to make you submit.
If he won't leave, you can involve social services and the police.

ErrolTheDragon Fri 21-Mar-14 23:54:41

He's overstepped the mark. He's not sorry. He 'has form' (do you mean he's hit other people? You?). So he's all to likely to do it again. And again.

Your DD needs to know that it is simply not acceptable for anyone to physically abuse her like this.

Abbierhodes Fri 21-Mar-14 23:58:18

You are not overreacting. He is a bad person. You can't see it yet, but you will. He is a very bad person.

AskBasil Sat 22-Mar-14 00:01:30

"So that's 4 devastated people who want to be together but I am forcing us apart."

You haven't forced them apart. He's done that.

You are doing the right thing. He actually isn't that devastated - he's devastated that you won't accept his abusive behaviour. He's not devastated enough to acknowledge that it's wrong, he's not devastated enough to change it, he's not devastated enough to promise never to do it again and to go to parenting classes to find out how not to do that. He's not devastated that he did it in the first place.

Not that devastated then. He's giving up his marriage because his right to be abusive, is more important to him than his marriage. Remember that whenever you feel like blaming yourself.

And please report this to the police. You need to get it on file that he's been violent to one of the children.

bumbumsmummy Sat 22-Mar-14 00:04:49

She's 5 I'm scared for her, her daddy thinks she a manipulative little bitch and she can take a slap

I feel physically sick reading that please report it to SS they can offer you support and as you are making him leave it will help you establish a supervised contact in the future

Your dd will thank you later on be brave you've already done the hard part

Innogen Sat 22-Mar-14 00:05:15

You are not forcing your family apart. That horrible, child abusing man is.

Don't for a second think otherwise OP.

Smokinmirrors Sat 22-Mar-14 00:07:10

Did you see it happen? What was dd's reaction and if you saw him slap her in the face what did you do? Was she was upset and if so who comforted her? What were the exact circumstances?

rosiedays Sat 22-Mar-14 00:08:42

Oh op flowers
You are not overreacting at all. In fact the fact you are allowing him to stay in the house is under reaction imo! !! He hit a 5 year old in the face. It's abuse and a criminal offence. How fucking dare he. Would you let anyone else do that to your child? ? He WILL continue to abuse your child unless you act. By staying you are accepting that it's ok and permitting it. If she told a teacher you would be in all sorts of trouble.
Get fucking angry and get him out. Xx

fizzyface Sat 22-Mar-14 00:09:48

As other posters have pointed out, he did this, not you. You would not allow a stranger to treat your children this way, why should he be excused? He assaulted your child, don't let this open the gates for further abuse.

Get as much RL support as you can, do whatever it takes to protect them. Good luck x

Smokinmirrors Sat 22-Mar-14 00:11:11

Also what do you mean by 'the other times' ?

Other times he has hit his daughter?

You sound very overwrought and slightly defensive. Have you allowed him to/seen him hit your daughter several times before this incident.

AskBasil Sat 22-Mar-14 00:12:48

I missed that.

"The other times"?

?

Ohbyethen Sat 22-Mar-14 00:18:07

I agree with Pps but particularly AskBasil. I may well have counseled pause for thought if he was aghast at his loss of control and was committed to seeking help to control himself and be a better parent etc but he isn't.
A slap around the face is not discipline, it is a way of venting his anger and frustration and punishing a small child for his inability to manage himself and probably some rot about making him look bad.

The picture as a whole isn't good and, as devastated as he says he is, he's not moved enough to amend his actions. I'm sure he would graciously accept you back though if you agreed to never mention it again, ask him to apologise and undertake to impose no restrictions on him whatsoever. His lack of remorse tells you all you need to know. That's not the reaction of a good man and loving father.

You haven't broken your family, he has. You are doing the right thing and protecting your children.
It will feel awful but that's no indication or measure of wrongness of your decision and it will be ok. Better than ok when you see your girls blossom and grow in confidence.

FlatsInDagenham Sat 22-Mar-14 00:18:10

I didn't see it happen but I arrived a couple of minutes after it happened. She was very distressed. I comforted her. Next time I spoke to DH alone (maybe 2 hours max later) I asked him what had happened. He blustered his way through an explanation but said he couldn't remember the exact circumstances. I asked him if he stood by what he'd done. He said yes, 110%. I told him I wanted to separate.

This morning I told DD that what he had done was wrong and I wasn't going to put up with it. She started defending him, which makes me want to weep with heartbreak for her.

"He actually isn't that devastated - he's devastated that you won't accept his abusive behaviour."

^^ This.

You are not overreacting.

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