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I think my xDP might be a psychopath or something?

(89 Posts)
laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 13:20:41

I am sorry if this is long I will try and make it as short as possible and can fill in more detail later if needed. Please would anyone be able to give me some opinions on the crazy change in behaviour of my xDP. I think there’s a chance he might have some sort of serious mental health issues and was wondering what the people here think.

We had a very good relationship, no problems I was aware of, happy home and no drama in our lives.

Throughout the relationship he was the “perfect” man. Nothing was too much trouble, he was really in love with me, treated me so well, huge romantic gestures all the time, was a great stepdad to my kids and just seemed to do everything right. Nothing at all amiss in the relationship, he seemed like Price Charming. My friends and family loved him, my kids loved him, everyone kept telling me I’d found a keeper and never to let him go.

Then 8 months ago he very developed severe depression after the death of his Dad and he changed. Came on very suddenly over a month. He, never went out, he became angry and snappy, he could not get out of bed and in the end he said he needed to be alone and moved out after giving me only 24 hours notice that he'd decided to do this. I was upset, but his depression seemed really severe to the point I was worried he would kill himself so I was supportive.

His depression had all the symptoms you usually expect from what you read about it but he was also quite an angry and started to say and do nasty things for seemingly no reason other than spite or lashing out. He became irrational too, once picking a fight with me over him needing to change travel plans 2 years ago due to my Nan having a stroke. It was really odd and nothing like the docile person he was before.

For six months now I have been helping him financially, talking to him every day, holding his hand when he felt really depressed, supporting him emotionally, driving him to docs appointments, doing his ironing, cleaning his flat and looking after him in general.

All this time he has been attributing his mean behaviour to being depressed and he has said he loves me but was really struggling to cope with life and that me standing by him was keeping him going. He kept saying he couldn't cope with a full blown relationship in his state but he was asking me to wait until he got better because he did not want to lose me.

Then at the weekend, I went on a night out with a mutual friend and some wine got flowing and her lips got loose. She told me that behind my back he has been telling friends he left me because I was a compulsive spender and we had been arguing and having problems. This is all completely not true. He was the compulsive spender and I was always trying to reign him in. He also has been saying behind my back that we are never getting back together, that he is not depressed and that he only stays in contact with me because I am upset and finding it hard to move on.

I was really angry and showed her his messages on my phone which confirmed my story and she was shocked. Because he is known as Mr Nice Guy and he is so well thought of by everyone we know my friend confessed that most people we know think I was “making up the depression” to make myself feel better about being dumped. I am apparently being called a bunny boiler behind my back smile

I then checked the credit card statement and saw that he joined up on match.com and plenty more fish less than a week after leaving me with his “depression” and needing to be alone.

I then turned super sleuth and checked his phone and computer and found out he's put photos of us having sex on the internet on a website used to pick up women for casual sex.

I confronted him about all this last night (I had all the evidence printed off) and he denied it first, then said he didn't have to justify himself to me. I said to him that I'd been taking care of him and he'd been begging me to wait for him and he said that he didn't want to be with me and me checking up on him proves that I am a psycho stalker. He had no remorse or guilt at all over any of it.

I feel really bamboozled. He has the whole world believing lies about me. I could easily send evidence round to show he is a liar, but this seems immature and embarrassing. I can’t stress enough how well this guy is thought of by friends and family. He even had me fooled and I lived with him.

Is he just severely depressed, or is this man a psychopath or something more serious?

Also, what should I do? Walk away?

I feel funny even saying this because up until now I completely believed he was a great guy with no faults. His lies haven't been small ones it's more like he says the opposite of the truth and I feel a bit scared of him.

laurenlovely Tue 25-Mar-14 11:21:53

I could believe that Holdthepage.

I just personally think to be actually capable of these acts shows something seriously wrong with a person's character. It wasn't in a moment, it was prolonged over a period of months and took time and forethought.

Holdthepage Tue 25-Mar-14 11:16:06

Going on experience with a family member who is like this, they are never really sorry(despite the tears), just sorry that they got caught out.

laurenlovely Tue 25-Mar-14 10:25:01

I agree x

cozietoesie Tue 25-Mar-14 09:20:42

As I said, it was the length of time that gave me pause for thought.

But thinking about any of that is unproductive for you even though it's like feeling for a new gap in your teeth. (You know you can do nothing but you can't stop yourself.) Not only would you drive yourself into twists thinking about possible reasons but there's nothing you could (or should) do about it. Even knowing the reasons wouldn't really help you.

As you've said - stay away from him and start a better life for yourself and the children.

laurenlovely Tue 25-Mar-14 07:34:06

She also said anti-depressive medication could in some rare cases cause strange personality changes and cruelty.

laurenlovely Tue 25-Mar-14 07:32:52

No Cozietoesie, he was never into anything like that. The counsellor I saw yesterday said she wasn't able to offer a firm opinion without having met him, but based on all the facts presented she said it was unlikely someone could keep up a façade so effectively without signs for 3.5 years. She said she was sceptical that was possible.

She said in her experience a severe depressive episode coupled with a lot of stress or a trauma could trigger unusual mental health issues and cause people to behave very strangely. She thought maybe something beyond depression might be at play but she didn't want to hazard a guess at what that might be, but she felt he needs more than counselling because his behaviour was abnormal.

She did also say that quite severe depression (particularly in men) could manifest in very aggressive ways. Not that she was making excuses for him -she seemed to agree that the best thing for me was to stay well away because she felt that something like this could continue to inflict a lot of hurt onto myself and my children and she also said something so severe was likely to last some time unless he got effective help, and she also said it might even be permanent.

She did tell me to try and stop analysing because explaining the inexplicable was like banging your head up against a brick wall.

cozietoesie Mon 24-Mar-14 23:34:24

Just a thought - and mainly because of the length of time he was seemingly good with you and then the fairly abrupt changes. Is it possible that he was addicted to something (drugs or alcohol for instance) and fell off the wagon?

Even so, of course, that's no excuse for his appalling behaviour towards you.

The very best of luck.

andsmile Mon 24-Mar-14 22:33:04

good luck x

Roussette Mon 24-Mar-14 21:45:43

Good luck Lauren.

laurenlovely Mon 24-Mar-14 21:27:56

I have a glass going, and my kids are cuddled up on the sofa with me. A few tears and eventually it'll pass. I almost wish he'd come in here being a bast**d to make it easier to hate him. Thanks so much all of you. I know I am doing the right thing.

Roussette Mon 24-Mar-14 20:49:19

Yes, Lauren. We all want to forgive but some things just can't be forgiven and shouldn't. Doing so allows that person to repeat that behaviour and I am sure you are worth far more than that. You are being very strong - hang on to that fact.
Pour yourself a wine and know you've done the right thing.

laurenlovely Mon 24-Mar-14 20:40:15

Hi Rousette

When he was here, I felt like he wanted to kiss me or touch me. He was looking at me that way. A matter of time probably before he tries to edge his way back in.

I won't let him back into my life. I really loved him and it's hard to explain really how much. It was more than I have ever loved anyone and I'm pushing 40.

I just think he did stuff that you can't push past. People are either capable or not capable of this sort of behaviour, and if someone can do it once they can (and probably will) do it again.

I won't out me or the kids through that.

I will never know why / how he did this stuff but I think what the counsellor today convinced me of is that a) I might never know and b) it actually doesn't matter.

The point is that the stuff that happened removed all chance of "working it out"

Roussette Mon 24-Mar-14 20:25:03

Well done Lauren and don't waver because it could be a technique of his to get back in your good books. Be proud of yourself that you've sorted this once and for all and well done for wishing him well after his behaviour. Doing that will pay you back with good karma smile

laurenlovely Mon 24-Mar-14 20:04:06

Thanks all, andsmile, I just want a weekend this weekend of peace and quiet and no drama with the kids, but I will have a girls night in soon. My friends have been great, I'm really lucky on that front.

Thank you Rousette.

He came round and it was not as I expected. He was white as a sheet, looked petrified, and his eyes were all red from crying. I didn't ask him any questions but he said he wanted me to know he was sorry. He admitted to everything.

He said his brain was a mess, he was very depressed and at the time he did those things he was drinking heavily and very angry. I asked why he was angry at me, and he said he wasn't. Just angry at the world.

I thanked him for the apology and told him to look after himself. Didn't seem much point in anything else. I have all my stuff, the papers are signed. I don't have to see him again.

Roussette Mon 24-Mar-14 16:23:00

Lauren these sort of people tell such convincing lies they actually believe it themselves. You were and are quite right not to confront him on this, it will get you nowhere and only mess your head up, and allow him to heap on even more lies if that is possible.

Well done you for moving away from this and hopefully you will be able to move on from it and enjoy your life knowing you are a kind rational honest person and he isn't.

andsmile Mon 24-Mar-14 12:37:39

I insist you plan a few treats for yourself and invite your friends round at the weekend have a big girls night in...you deserve it because you nice and dencent and he is a wank splash.

laurenlovely Mon 24-Mar-14 12:12:33

Thanks whyisthishappenning, I will let you know.

Thanks andsmile, I thought if I left it for a week ro two it would be hanging over me and this way it's all over and I never have to see his sick face again.

I did contemplate actually pulling out all the print offs and making him face his own lies, but then after reading what you have all written here I know it would be pointless because all I am hoping for is remorse and an apology or explanation which will never come.

I did investigate a bit more into things, and noticed a few more bad lies. For example, in December he told me he was going away on a business conference for a few days and he made the whole thing up. He was at home, on the internet, surfing sex dating sites all night for those few days he was "away".

Remembering back...his story about this was SO convincing, he was even complaining about the traffic and the hotel room.

It's not as if he had a date or was meeting another woman. He created this lie simply to stay at home and internet surf. Why on earth he made up that lie I will never understand. He could have just said he wanted a few days alone...we were separated...it's like lying for the sake of it.

andsmile Mon 24-Mar-14 11:50:09

See you you getting all that sorted today, you really have got your head screwed on Lauren youve done the right thing. Take Care.

whyisthishappening Mon 24-Mar-14 11:42:14

Please let us know when he has left and that you are ok.

laurenlovely Mon 24-Mar-14 11:22:54

Thanks again all of you. I am going for a counselling session today to talk all this through just to get it all off my chest with someone in real life. I'm going to be fine -I know that - and I know in the long run it is better to break up with someone who turned out to be a nightmare than to lose someone who was wonderful.

I don't want to have any permanent damage left to me so would prefer to deal with whatever trust issues this has raised in a healthy way now rather than in a messier way later on.

It's a really big comfort to my mind to know others have been sucked in by bad people before. I always thought I was a human lie detector.

My last contact with my ex is happening today. He is dropping off my things and taking his, he is also signing various papers to separate our finances. I'm not feeling worried or nervous about it and I have let the neighbour know he is coming and she says she will keep an eye out. Not that I am expecting trouble. As far as it seems he is scared of me right now. He knows I have exposed him and he hates it. I will handle it quickly and with dignity and after that will never see him again.

I had a lucky escape, there's no question about that.

tiredandsadmum Mon 24-Mar-14 03:44:22

I'm sorry for you Op but as another pp says, thankfully you don't have kids with this man. I do with my ex and I will have ongoing contact for another 10 years. He has lied to everyone on his side about me, plays horrid games with my DC. I don't think he is a psychopath but very calculating and manipulative. Nobody likes him and that was a big red flag that I didn't see. So don't blame yourself - when you are a trusting individual it is very difficult to see through a façade.

glastocat Mon 24-Mar-14 03:10:40

Ive just read a novel about a similar kind of guy, its called 'You should have known' by Jean Hanff Korelitz, I'd say you would find it very interesting.

andsmile Mon 24-Mar-14 01:03:24

you did the right thing by somone who you thought was ill.

when you found out he wasnt you stopped caring.

you sound pretty sensible, logical and protective of your kids.

just remember he has all those other people fooled, but not you.

andsmile Mon 24-Mar-14 01:00:33

dont ever put yourself down for being trusting OP

andsmile Mon 24-Mar-14 00:59:46

As soon as I read the bit about him telling other people lies and making you look like you are a bunny boiler I immediately thought - narcissist - he has the mask with them all, you have seen behind it. walk away.

Show a few friends the texts, the websites ones you trust, their judgement. His mask will slip again. i think your friend must have suspected for her to raise it with you.

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