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I think my xDP might be a psychopath or something?

(89 Posts)
laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 13:20:41

I am sorry if this is long I will try and make it as short as possible and can fill in more detail later if needed. Please would anyone be able to give me some opinions on the crazy change in behaviour of my xDP. I think there’s a chance he might have some sort of serious mental health issues and was wondering what the people here think.

We had a very good relationship, no problems I was aware of, happy home and no drama in our lives.

Throughout the relationship he was the “perfect” man. Nothing was too much trouble, he was really in love with me, treated me so well, huge romantic gestures all the time, was a great stepdad to my kids and just seemed to do everything right. Nothing at all amiss in the relationship, he seemed like Price Charming. My friends and family loved him, my kids loved him, everyone kept telling me I’d found a keeper and never to let him go.

Then 8 months ago he very developed severe depression after the death of his Dad and he changed. Came on very suddenly over a month. He, never went out, he became angry and snappy, he could not get out of bed and in the end he said he needed to be alone and moved out after giving me only 24 hours notice that he'd decided to do this. I was upset, but his depression seemed really severe to the point I was worried he would kill himself so I was supportive.

His depression had all the symptoms you usually expect from what you read about it but he was also quite an angry and started to say and do nasty things for seemingly no reason other than spite or lashing out. He became irrational too, once picking a fight with me over him needing to change travel plans 2 years ago due to my Nan having a stroke. It was really odd and nothing like the docile person he was before.

For six months now I have been helping him financially, talking to him every day, holding his hand when he felt really depressed, supporting him emotionally, driving him to docs appointments, doing his ironing, cleaning his flat and looking after him in general.

All this time he has been attributing his mean behaviour to being depressed and he has said he loves me but was really struggling to cope with life and that me standing by him was keeping him going. He kept saying he couldn't cope with a full blown relationship in his state but he was asking me to wait until he got better because he did not want to lose me.

Then at the weekend, I went on a night out with a mutual friend and some wine got flowing and her lips got loose. She told me that behind my back he has been telling friends he left me because I was a compulsive spender and we had been arguing and having problems. This is all completely not true. He was the compulsive spender and I was always trying to reign him in. He also has been saying behind my back that we are never getting back together, that he is not depressed and that he only stays in contact with me because I am upset and finding it hard to move on.

I was really angry and showed her his messages on my phone which confirmed my story and she was shocked. Because he is known as Mr Nice Guy and he is so well thought of by everyone we know my friend confessed that most people we know think I was “making up the depression” to make myself feel better about being dumped. I am apparently being called a bunny boiler behind my back smile

I then checked the credit card statement and saw that he joined up on match.com and plenty more fish less than a week after leaving me with his “depression” and needing to be alone.

I then turned super sleuth and checked his phone and computer and found out he's put photos of us having sex on the internet on a website used to pick up women for casual sex.

I confronted him about all this last night (I had all the evidence printed off) and he denied it first, then said he didn't have to justify himself to me. I said to him that I'd been taking care of him and he'd been begging me to wait for him and he said that he didn't want to be with me and me checking up on him proves that I am a psycho stalker. He had no remorse or guilt at all over any of it.

I feel really bamboozled. He has the whole world believing lies about me. I could easily send evidence round to show he is a liar, but this seems immature and embarrassing. I can’t stress enough how well this guy is thought of by friends and family. He even had me fooled and I lived with him.

Is he just severely depressed, or is this man a psychopath or something more serious?

Also, what should I do? Walk away?

I feel funny even saying this because up until now I completely believed he was a great guy with no faults. His lies haven't been small ones it's more like he says the opposite of the truth and I feel a bit scared of him.

Whocansay Fri 21-Mar-14 13:26:20

Walk away? Run! He sounds unhinged and spiteful. Cut him completely out of your life and block him.

Most people will be able to see through the nice guy act. Whatever he is, you cannot help or change him, and he is not your responsibility.

Dahlen Fri 21-Mar-14 13:38:19

Does it matter? The point is that he can't treat you with honesty or respect so you need to remove him from your life completely.

Honestly, as someone whose X went on a complete character assassination attempt after we split, I understand I really do. The dishonesty and injustice of it all really, really stings at first. But you will drive yourself mad if you dwell on this. What are you going to do? You can't possibly go around targetting everyone he's spread his lies to, setting the record straight.

I quickly realised that unless it is affecting your life unreasonably (e.g. stopping you getting a promotion/job), in which case you use the law against him, your best bet is to simply ignore and move on. Sometimes it takes years before the scales fall from people's eyes (if ever), but eventually it becomes apparent that the 'nice guy with the unstable x' seems to have a peculiar habit of falling prey to bad fortune, whereas all his psycho Xs seem to have strangely well-functioning lives where the only drama seems to be the common denominator of Mr nice guy (unless they don't know his Xs, in which case they won't be in your social circle so who gives a damn what they think anyway).

Remember that those who love you will know the truth. Those whose opinions matter because they can affect your life can be told the truth. No one else's POV is worth worrying about.

The thing is with people like your X is that they can't ever take responsibility. Transference where he claims you have done all the things he's actually done is very common. But while it deflects blame nicely in the first instance, it's actually very self-limiting behaviour, preventing people from learning and dooming them to becoming stuck in the same patterns of behaviour. Whereas you can go on and live an improved life and have the ultimate revenge of a life well lived.

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName Fri 21-Mar-14 13:42:38

Report him to the police for the photos and stay away from him.

Curlyweasel Fri 21-Mar-14 13:44:15

Cut him out of your life right now and don't look back. Psychopath? Hard to say, but definitely seems to be aware of his actions and unremorseful. Displays lots of the characteristics of the Hare Psychopathy test. As whocansay says - whatever he is, you won't change him (but I doubt you'd even want to?). XX

Wow - it must be a shock but you know what to do.
Cut all contact immediately.
Block him from your phone, email, facebook etc...
He is telling you (and others) who he is - believe him and drop him like a hot stone!

2nd time today but...
The hills are that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And yes - agree with Lovebeing report him to the police for the images on the internet.

knowledgeispower Fri 21-Mar-14 14:03:24

I think the only term you can use is: dickh*ad

Like others have said you could spend a life time wondering if he is. Get him out of your life and get the images removed from the websites.

He may display certain characteristics but I personally don't think he is as he has used emotional manipulation to get what he wants. So must have an understanding of empathy and sympathy and knows how to use it to get you running around after him and not lose face blaming you entirely for the split.

Be kind to yourself, put your own needs and wants first.

laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 14:06:28

Isn't reporting him to the police for those photos going to make me look spiteful and unhinged just like he is making out? I want to minimise drama.

I know you are all right...I obviously have no intention of ever taking him back or of wanting to change him. He's show his true colours. I am just really shocked and don't know what to tell people or how bst to get my dignity back.

LavenderGreen14 Fri 21-Mar-14 14:20:24

Bloody hell - run, report to the police and also stop giving him money. How did he manage to get your credit card details? You need to report your card as stolen? He puts photos of you online and says you are unhinged?? Surely what he has done is illegal.

And please do not honour his behaviour with depression, he is a liar and a cheat and a conman.

wannaBe Fri 21-Mar-14 14:26:18

report to the police. chances are he's probably done this before. How long were you together?

knowledgeispower Fri 21-Mar-14 14:30:13

Anyone would be shocked in your position OP. He has betrayed your trust.

You don't have to tell people anything apart from the truth: the relationship has ended and you want to move on. I'd keep as many details private - keep a dignified silence.

I'd do some research online as to how best to remove these images. You can of course go to the police. What you say to them is confidential, no one needs to know you have been, unless you tell them.

laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 14:47:00

Hi Lavender, no we had a joint credit card. We lived together for 3 years so everything was joint. He always paid the credit cards though, so I suppose he never expected me to look at it.

Yes, he put photos of me online and claims I am unhinged. I feel like I am talking to someone evil. He scoffs at me. Like a complete stranger. I would not feel so crazy if he acknowledged wrongdoing.

He did remove the images last night after we argued about it. I kept screen shots though, as evidence. He has lied about everything and I thought he would do it again.

LuciusMalfoyisSmokingHot Fri 21-Mar-14 15:01:31

Report him, who gives a shiny shit about what other people think, you know the truth and people wanna know, you can tell them as much or as little as you please.

Cut all contact, dont engage with him, you have no reason too.

He is not depressed, you were just his meal ticket, mug this wanker off and move on.

Has he been in contact with you at all today?
Best to completely ignore him from now on.
Don't reply to texts or answer calls.
That will drive him batty!

Separate everything financially.
It's appalling what he has done to you after 3 years of living together.
Prize cock of the highest order!

I would go to the police and make sure the images have been removed.
It's not spiteful at all, it's making sure there are no home porn movies of you going around the world for all to see!!!!

lauren222 Fri 21-Mar-14 15:46:08

If i were in your position i would cut all financial and emotional ties with this man. He has publicly humiliated you in a number of ways. He doesn't deserve your support at all.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Mar-14 17:08:11

I think what you'll find has happened is that he has 'emotionally detached' or even met someone new at roughly the same time as his father passed away. It could be linked or it could be a sheer coincidence. You say he was very full on initially with big romantic gestures and so on. That kind of person often has no middle ground. It's either black or white and they either love you or loathe you.

laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 17:18:57

wannaBe, yes, he has done this before but I was on the receiving end and believed what he was saying about his "crazy ex". He was just so convincing that I felt sorry for him.

No he hasn't contacted me today at all.

Cogito if he had found someone else why would he be on dating sites trying to find someone?

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Mar-14 17:51:50

I think some have a bit of a fling, decide it's the end, behave badly, the fling finishes and they're then either begging to come back or off searching for a replacement.

myroomisatip Fri 21-Mar-14 17:55:22

Dear God are you serious? "Isn't reporting him to the police for those photos going to make me look spiteful and unhinged just like he is making out? I want to minimise drama."

Report him for goodness sake. I am so so shocked at your question!

lemonbabe Fri 21-Mar-14 17:56:45

laurenlovely what an awful thing to go through.

It seems like he has MH issues here for sure. I was with my ex DP for a relatively short time and had no idea he had MH problems until months into the relationship. He never owned up to them. Blamed his ex, who he said had Bi-Polar disorder.

A couple of times his behaviour really scared me, extreme paranoia, delusions, jealousy. You need to get out of this terrible situation.

I know there are a lot of names being thrown around here, and what he's doing is unforgivable, but do not forget this man is obviously very ill - he cannot help himself and you certainly cannot help him. You'll go insane. I feel for you because I remember what it felt like with all the 'storytelling' and elaborate details - you end up questioning yourself.

Run for the hills and don't look back !!

wyrdyBird Fri 21-Mar-14 17:59:07

The third para of your OP was a heart sinker. All the ingredients of a faker are there: the so-called perfect man, fairy tale terminology, big gestures, everyone telling you you'd been lucky to find him, etc.

I agree with others: this man is not depressed. He is a full on manipulator, and always was. It's not unusual to find a huge web of lies around a man like that, and to find yourself offering emotional and financial support because he has made you feel sorry for him, and because he appears to be a nice guy.

I'm really sorry he has taken advantage of you, and used you so callously. He won't acknowledge wrongdoing. He thinks he's clever for tricking you.

My suggestions:
Don't bother sending evidence to people. It's an injustice, but you will look foolish. However, don't cover up for him either. If people ask what's happened, tell them, bluntly and matter of factly.

If people go on about how nice he is, tell them that he isn't as trustworthy as he appears. Then say nothing. Keep your dignity.

For your own health, cut him out of your life 100%.

FunkyBoldRibena Fri 21-Mar-14 18:00:20

Did you agree to the photos in the first place?

Oh and...run.

Papaluigi Fri 21-Mar-14 18:11:21

Get him the hell out of yr life ASAP, consider yourself lucky that you got away. Don't worry about the picture he paints of you. Easy to say I know, but in time it'll be forgotten by you, and everyone else. Definitely a weird one with probably more than a few ulterior motives.

laurenlovely Fri 21-Mar-14 18:24:39

Funky we made a video and what he had done was to make still shots out of them. He actually went to some trouble! It's not like they were just sitting there.

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