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50 shades of idiot: silly tales of the abusive ex (meant lightheartedly but also could be triggering)

(257 Posts)
Cakehanded Thu 20-Mar-14 19:34:01

Namechanged in case any of this outs me but something I had to do today brought back loads of memories of my abusive exH, some that are very deep 'kind-of healed' wounds but some that seem like silly little things but things that I never got to have a go at him for and never told anyone in RL as I didn't want the pitying looks. I'd still like to be able to talk about them somewhere though and get it out into the virtual open, maybe even have a laugh about it if I can so going to do that here.

Anyone else is more than welcome to chip in with tales of the idiot they've left (or even if you haven't if you want to!), I hope nobody finds me starting the thread too triggering/offensive.

1 - When I left, leaving virtually all of mine and baby ds's worldly goods behind but taking what I thought was a restrained 50% of the cash in our current account (which was not a lot at all) to support us he emailed that he thought I was unreasonable as he didn't understand why I'd 'drained' the account as he couldn't see what I'd need it for. 'Dear' ExH, shall I write you a list? Nappies, food, shelter, bills, any of that ringing any bells? Considering you haven't paid any maintenance for 6 years I assume you're still confused and think ds and I live in a field sustained by the smell of flowers.

2 - He said I had 'strange eyes'. No more explanation mind, that was just listed as one of the things I'd done wrong in our relationship, had 'strange eyes'.

3 - Another thing I'd done wrong was that I was 'obsessed with psychology'. Could almost seem a vaguely rational point until I say we met at uni, when I'd just started a degree - anyone like to guess the subject of the degree? grin

Feeling better already!

CurtWild Thu 20-Mar-14 23:17:34

Agree with feckthis, we've all experienced some major douchebaggery, it's good to see that some of it was downright hilarious. Having a good and much needed chuckle tonight grin

Ploppy16 Thu 20-Mar-14 23:25:12

It took me many years to realise that my first serious boyfriend was in fact an emotionally abusive arse.
Some of the things he came out with were just odd tbh but the one that stands out for me was his insistence that if I loved him I would drink cider rather than bitter. Apparently his ex girlfriend loved cider and drank it because he did hmm. He once actually refused to sit with me in the pub because he had bought me a half pint of cider rather than the pint of bitter I'd asked for, he sat over the other side of the room with his back to me after berating me for half an hour about how I obviously didn't love him! I can't believe I just sat there and took it in hindsight. I blame being very young.
He's still a bloody weirdo now at the age of 40.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 20-Mar-14 23:32:58

I moved the computer on the computer desk by about 3 inches. he smacked me on the back to "reprimand me"...

he thought that we needed another car, but that it would be a small one and he could have the big one because the man has the bigger car...

I think his ears are still ringing as I told him in no uncertain terms that he is not having the big car to carry about a briefcase while I have a small boot to fit in a double buggy and shopping and all the paraphenalia associated with two children. I might have called him a sexist something or other not polite too.

CuttedUpPear Thu 20-Mar-14 23:33:10

"You'd be better looking if you were Spanish". Mmm yes, and then I would be Spanish too. But I am English. confused

After been caught sleeping with an 18yo when I was first pregnant (and regularly having sex with him), "It's because we have so much good sex. You have got me used to it".

Ploppy16 Thu 20-Mar-14 23:49:05

Remembered another one, same idiot.
When I finally ditched him because he gave me a black eye for 'looking at his friend' he asked me if I would mind him asking my sister out.
I laughed in his face and told him to try it, she hated him with a passion,

ballsballsballs Thu 20-Mar-14 23:51:45

Nasty XBF told me that my lipstick matched my spots.

And used to lecture me about skincare.

And was jealous I'd been alive 6 years longer than him.

He had the ugliest cock I'd ever seen. <shudder>

SaucyJack Fri 21-Mar-14 00:20:59

Out of all the many, many ridiculous excuses he used for attacking me the most bizarre one was me wanting to watch the Top Of The Pops christmas special one year. Apparently it was an insult to the memory of Joe Strummer (lead singer of The Clash) who'd died the week before so he pinned me against the wall with the knife from the cheeseboard (!) and threatened to slit my throat.

mustbetimefortea Fri 21-Mar-14 00:34:01

I used to have to request some help around the house. (main breadwinner, working FT, small child). XH would suddenly announce that he would take DS out for the afternoon so that I could get a clear run at it. If I suggested that it would be nice to all go out and split the housework on our return he would refuse point blank and criticise me for not appreciating his gesture in taking ds out.

It later emerged that he and ds were actually out with the OW which was the real reason for the offer. DS was nursery age at the time.

MargotThreadbetter Fri 21-Mar-14 00:45:03

Why can't these twats be branded marked in some way? You know, just to make life a bit easier.
I read these threads and dread meeting one of these blokes in RL and not having my fuckwit detector fully functioning.

mustbetimefortea Fri 21-Mar-14 00:50:35

I used to have to request some help around the house. (main breadwinner, working FT, small child). XH would suddenly announce that he would take DS out for the afternoon so that I could get a clear run at it. If I suggested that it would be nice to all go out and split the housework on our return he would refuse point blank and criticise me for not appreciating his gesture in taking ds out.

It later emerged that he and ds were actually out with the OW which was the real reason for the offer. DS was nursery age at the time.

Amethyst - you might be me. Xh would lie in exactly the same way. Blatant lies, easily checked but he got to the point that he even convinced himself that it was true. He would get really angry when called on it. We were driving to his parents once and I wasn't paying much attention until I realised that we were going a different way. I commented that I hadn't been that way for years and on how it had changed. He then told me that it was the route we always took. When I said we'd never been that way together before he refused to accept it and just kept repeating that it was the way we always went. I stopped arguing about it as it was pointless and that just aggrievated him even more.

Still not sure whether he had got lost but couldn't admit it or that he driven that way with other women and was covering up. Both possible.

He was and is a stranger to the truth

noslimbody Fri 21-Mar-14 00:55:44

Oh yes I also apparently have a habit of spending money. It defines my entire personality you see.
I am also thick because I watch comedies and boring because I don't watch whatever crappy violent packed with crap special effects films he likes.
I also have no sense of humour because I can't take "criticism" like laughing at my hair.
I have a voice like a man, because real 'feminine' women don't complain, and whimper rather than actually talk with a real non-whimpering voice
Apparently I am weird because I have a further degree, and also strange because I competed at County level as a teenage athlete, obviously too manly and physical

noslimbody Fri 21-Mar-14 00:59:15

And "I can't remember" is his answer to every question when fully caught out. By this I mean I have gone through the headache of proving everything with certainty. He can't be lying if he can't remember, twat!

noslimbody Fri 21-Mar-14 01:00:26

Everything I think is just my opinion, and what he says is correct...

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 21-Mar-14 01:06:15

There are so many but can't do them now or I won't sleep for angry

But the last time exp mimicked my voice I said 'I'd mimic your voice but I can't impersonate a cock faced wankbadger'

He was FUMING and walking away afterwards left him no room for a comeback grin

FayeKorgasm Fri 21-Mar-14 01:14:09

A couple of incidents ...

My delightful XH spent one evening with his management team and me and proceeded to discuss the lovely things his OW arranged for him during their affair. I'm not sure if the others realised he was discussing a mistress rather than a previous partner, but I, like a fool, didn't say anything until we got back home. The bastard told me to shut up and went to sleep.

Before we were married, we were engaged, he disappeared on Christmas eve with the OW to his brother's home for the holidays. He was due to be with me and my family. When I finally got hold of him, he yelled at me to leave him alone as we were not together. Umm, so why are we planning our wedding ?

I still married him, I was so badly abused by him I wasn't thinking straight for a long time. Weirdly it took a tiny thing to snap me out of it and I left and haven't looked back.

To my great delight he has been sacked rather spectacularly from his last two jobs - the last one is very searchable on Google. I don't think he will work again. Wanker! I however, who was nothing apparently, rebuilt my career and married a wonderful man and have peace.

CyberMuddle Fri 21-Mar-14 01:52:56

ExP was utterly convinced that the fact that he didn't shout at or hit me meant that he was a good boyfriend. If course, calling me The Bitch to everyone from close friends (his; apparently I didn't have any) to people we'd just met, making jokes at my expense ( I'm blonde and busty, so you can guess the general theme), and expecting me to spend all my free time with him and his friends while he never even bothered to ask about, let alone meet, my best friend, counts for nothing...

A few times, when in the car doing 70-ish on winding country roads, he'd want to take his jumper off/get something from the back seat, etc, and expect me to 'take the wheel for a bit'. I don't drive. When I pointed the potentiality of accidents out to him he would get extremely irate, say how useless I was and then sulk for an hour or so. Gave me some peace, at least...

His Dad was similarly vile, and treated his mum like a servant. She was highly intelligent and had once had a very high flying career, but had been worn down to a shell. Suffice to say I realised that I did not want history to repeat itself.

My teacher (and boyfriend) who wanted a blowjob while driving along the motorway. I was young and stupid, yes, but not that stupid.

Feckthis Fri 21-Mar-14 07:10:00

If I cut my hair that means I don't care about him. It's the worst thing I can do.

Polyethyl Fri 21-Mar-14 07:26:10

After I ironed his shirts he said "You say you love me, but clearly you don't. If you really loved me you wouldn't have left this crease in the sleeve. So you say you love me but obviously you don't. If you really loved me you would have ironed my shirt better."

Germgirl Fri 21-Mar-14 07:34:35

My ex used to say things like "well you look alright I suppose, the best you can look anyway" when I'd got dressed up to go out on a very rare night out.
He was also obsessed with football & if West Ham lost I would be in the firing line for slaps, shouting & general nastiness.
When we first got together we went for a weekend away & he went out to phone his mum from a phone box (pre mobile days). He came back to the b&b room smiling from ear to ear. I thought he was pleased to see me but no, west ham had won! Should've been a red flag that one smile
He would also constantly undermine me. Tell me that I'm fat, ugly, useless, pointless, lucky to be with him because no one else wanted me. I am fat but his constant harping didn't exactly help!
He used to tell be he was ashamed to be seen in public with me & walk 5 paces in front. That one particularly hurt.
Well rid of the tosser now. He cried & begged me to stay when I left. I did ask him why, when I was obviously such an embarrassment.

SpanielFace Fri 21-Mar-14 07:48:02

It's only since being on here that I realise that my ex was abusive. I was so unhappy when I left him, with zero self esteem. 7 years on and in happily married to lovely DH. But things that I remember:

Telling me I should take up running as I was getting too fat (I was a size 12, which at 5 foot 7 is very definitely not fat).

Refusing to have sex if I showed any signs of wanting it or enjoying it, as it "ruined it" for him.

Not having sex with me for several months, pushing me away if I tried to instigate for the reasons given above, then when I found him wanking over soft porn in the other room, not understanding what I was upset over. (I have nothing major against porn but I've never felt so rejected).

Making it really difficult for me to see friends and family, so I was increasingly isolated.

Pushing me to try for a baby. I was 27. Thank god we didn't, and I left. He's with someone else now, with a baby, and I hope he treats her better than he did me.

FuckYouChris Fri 21-Mar-14 07:48:59

Great thread smile

1. I was "ruining his social life", by being 8 months pregnant with dc3 and getting a nasty bout of sickness and diarrhoea, meaning he couldn't go out one evening.

2. His friends were starting to hate him for being unreliable, because I wasn't free to swap his access weekend so that he could go to the football (and he'd already told them he would go). He opted for not seeing the dcs instead (for some reason he couldn't see that being unreliable to the dcs might actually be worse)

3. After dealing with so much crap, heavily pregnant and with terrible SPD, and in a rare moment where he offered to support me emotionally, I said the terrible, "I just see other pregnant people being wrapped in cotton wool, and I can't help but feel jealous that they are so cared for". He stormed out with, "I bet there's loads of stuff I do that those other fuckers don't! Bitch!"

4. Oh and my absolute favourite, "if you go now, I'm not playing these stupid games anymore, it really will be over forever", I just smile and said, "I know, and I am never coming back."

Funnily enough it didn't stop him trying to get back with me after (as his friends told me) a tragic display of trying to pull anyone he could and utterly failing. His friends also begged me to get back with him because, "he's such a twat when he's not with you", I laughed in their faces. But it did please me that on one night, not long after the split, when the dcs were away, we both happened to be planning to be off out on the town on the same night, I had invited all mutual friends, as had he. They actually all told him that given the choice it was no contest. He stayed in.

grin

It's funny now I'm happy.

thingsthatgobumpinthenight grin at wankbadger

Monetbyhimself Fri 21-Mar-14 08:04:13

On our wedding day, he hadn't prepared a speech. He fancies himself as a great orator. It was a shite speech and included the immirtal words ' well she's been going in and on about this dress for months. I suppose it looks alright. Now have you heard the one about....'

I'll never forget the looks of horror on my familys face. It still took me another 15 years of regular public humiliation to see him for what he was.

CurtWild Fri 21-Mar-14 08:37:00

Stbxh on me finding a condom in his overnight bag for work:
Him - I must have thought it would come in useful.
Me - There really is only one use for a condom.
Him - Actually there's loads.
Me - Such as?
Him - ......
Me - hmm
Him - Someone must have put it there.
Me - But it was a single room, you said.
Him - .....
Me - So?
Him - Stop interrogating me it's only a condom.
Me - shock

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