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PLEASE HELP - DESPERATE AND AWFUL DIVORCE :-(

(1000 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 18:03:07

I apologise in advance for the very long first post, but this is a story and I have no idea how I am going to move on with my life. My husband and I had a baby 11 years into our marriage as he was suddenly desperate to become a father. I already had a daughter from a previous relationship. I didn’t want to have another child if I am honest because I knew that he would struggle to cope and that it would be such a huge change. I was 42 when our son was born, my husband 39. Our son was a very difficult baby who suffered reflux, cried constantly and didn’t in fact sleep at night until he was 2 ½ years old. In the meantime, he was referred for statementing for ASD due to severe behavioural problems. Clearly this put a huge strain on our relationship. 2013 was a very difficult year, my husband receiving a life changing medical diagnosis which affected him quite deeply, I also had two cancer scares and some serious family issues. I also had severe PND which I didn’t seek proper help for, thinking I could cope. All of this put a huge strain on our marriage in many ways. Last October, my husband walked into the kitchen at 8 in the morning and told me he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving, he then walked out for the whole day rendering himself unavailable. When he returned home he said he wouldn’t leave for a few weeks but I got together every last one of his possessions/clothes and asked him to leave, which he did early the next morning. I was absolutely stunned, I didn’t see it coming at all and while I knew we were having a rough patch, there was nothing that was insurmountable. He assured me that there was nobody else involved and I believed him, I couldn’t bear to think otherwise. However, his behaviour was then astonishing. He raised a divorce petition with his solicitor within 3 days on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (so I knew he wasn’t coming back apparently), sacked me from his company (completely illegally), cut off all financial support (despite initially promising that nothing would change financially), cancelled the Sky package, mine and my daughter’s mobile phones and took his name off all the utilities, even taking the credit balances. He had already set up post redirection to the house of a friend where he said he would be staying and announced that I would have to start claiming income support and tax credits and that he would pay the mortgage for the next 13 weeks until I could claim Mortgage Interest Relief. I was just stunned. He just kept throwing things at me, not giving me a chance to breathe or recover. I didn’t eat a thing for two weeks, existing on coffee and protein shakes, losing 2 stone in the process, all while trying to care for two devastated children. I then received a text from him that was clearly not meant for me “you are my life”...I thought I was going to have a heart attack, the shock was indescribable. I subsequently discovered the OW was somebody who had been known to us for around 12 years and was unfortunately somebody I really disliked, much older than my husband and to top it all, her husband was killed last March in an RTA. I initially made email contact with her, explaining my sadness, she replied but tried to use her dead husband and grieving child to imply that she was vulnerable and nowhere near ready for a relationship and I took some comfort (and hope) from that, but it soon became clear that this was not the case and she became increasingly nasty and vile as time went on, especially when I caught them out at a log cabin weekend away when my husband said he was on business. She has called me some awful things, complained about being “bored of your pitiful your bleating”, calling me a “sad fuck”, “grow up and move on”, “if you were so great, why did he leave”, “you kid yourself this is all my doing”, absolutely tortuous abuse. Surely she is the one who involved herself with a married man?! This woman runs 3 child based businesses in a small town and can’t afford the damage to her reputation. She even had a solicitor write to me to threaten me. I have suffered an assault by my husband with police and social services becoming involved, the hell of a contact centre as a result of that, it has been a never ending nightmare. I finally filed for my own divorce on the grounds of their adultery which my husband tried to overturn by pretending he was gay (!). He finally told me that he met her again after a gap of 8 years at the beginning of October via work. He said that two days before he left me (on the 19th), “they” decided they wanted to be together and he tried to do the right thing by not having sex with her until after he’d left the house!! I have subsequently found out that he moved straight in with her (after less than 3 weeks, really?!) and only 6 months after the death of her husband. I can’t believe this relationship hasn’t been going on for much longer but he completely denies it. He re-registered his business to her business address 5 days after leaving me, listing her address as his home address. Last week he cancelled the car insurance just as I was leaving to take the children to school. Who is this man I was married to for 14 years and has turned into a complete stranger, selfish beyond belief and without any moral compass whatsoever? They taunt me with taking custody of my son, tell me I am not fit to be his mother, yet my husband shows no interest in my son’s very many medical appointments and only sees him twice a week, leaving me to pick up the emotional mess my little boy is reduced to every time. I just don’t know how to cope. I have developed some serious health problems as a result, which she saw fit to mock quite unbelievably and am trying really hard to keep myself together but it’s getting harder by the day. I have a great support network, even my husband’s family who have completely disowned him but I feel so lonely and frightened. I never imagined I would end up in a situation like this at this time of my life. My husband has given up EVERYTHING except the clothes on his back to be with this woman who is a horror to look at and surely must have some emotional issues to be behaving as she does and “moving on” so quickly after the death of her husband. My husband no longer has any friends, all have turned their back yet apparently it has all been “worth it” as she gives him lots of “cuddles, kisses and greets him nicely when he comes through the door”. I am not even joking. I am starting counselling this week but with the divorce becoming ever more nasty and awful, I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband is also desperate to involve my son with this woman, something I think is totally inappropriate at this stage, especially given her antagonism towards me. I just don’t know which way to turn. Again, apologies for such a long post and believe me, this is the short version. How will I ever recover from all of this and how do I cope with such a vindictive pair especially in relation to my children? I feel like my life is no longer my own .

MrsC1969HJ Sat 19-Jul-14 20:54:18

So, here we are at 1000 posts, I cant believe it. I feel like I have a real family here, you have all been AMAZING and I wish I could thank each and every one in person. Please stay with me, I will need you all more than ever with what's coming up...my new thread is www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2137545-Whos-Desperate-and-Awful-Now-Story-of-My-Divorce-from-Mr-WT-Part-2

I loved Annie's idea but I think somebody might pinch that title so will keep that to us for now :-D. Thanks all and goodbye to "Desperate and Awful"...not anymore!! smile thanksxxxxx

MrsC1969HJ Sat 19-Jul-14 20:51:49

Hello lovely ladies..thank you for all advice and posts given recent issues. Firstly, contact was resolved by Mr WT providing me with ALL contact details including landline to the OW's house. He has religiously answered texts and indeed has emailed a few times too. I allowed him to collect DS this morning, appears they had a lovely day together, but agree with you LBZT that this assumption that twice a week is what DS "needs" is just mindblowing. I don't mind keeping it that way, but my God you do have to wonder what goes on in his head. They are definitely not invested in my son and hence this minimal contact suits me at the moment. LBZT also mentioned Relate. I tried this, begged and pleaded, he refused to do family counselling and instead we ended up with the "walk in the park"...we know how that ended up. He has also undertaken to deal with electric issues but used that to start saying that he didn't know where the money was going to come from, he was considering bankruptcy, this is the man who put £20.00 on Form E when asked about debts. He is cornered and he knows it. Good. He is saying he can't afford a solicitor, and will just tell the court he doesn't know what to do...I know he will be completely flummoxed by the requirements. Oh well, OW can help him with that, can't she?! Yawn....

MrsC1969HJ Sat 19-Jul-14 10:31:30

Annie ha ha, it probably should be but might draw in far too much attention!! I will update thread later and put a link to new one...where we can start all over again :-) x

Anniegetyourgun Sat 19-Jul-14 00:51:51

"The Absolute Fuckwittery of Mr Wankering Twattishness" has to be your new thread title, doesn't it?

pointythings Fri 18-Jul-14 15:15:00

LZBT excellent post, excellent suggestions. Those terms for co-parenting aren't harsh at all, they are there to protect MrsC and they are in the best interest of DS. Ultimately his best interests are what matters. So far MrsC has proved conclusively that she is living by that principle - Mr WT has not.

LBZT Fri 18-Jul-14 15:05:22

I think acrossthepond makes a valid point about the e-mails. I would start to treat all texts/e-mails as written/edited by OW. That will change how you choose to respond. (Become cold detached she/he does not deserve to know anything about what you feel/think )

I may be harsh here but what I would do here is the following.
contact center until divorce and financials sorted as it seems to be affecting all communication between you and tell him/her this
After divorce etc I would request going to relate or similiar to build a good co-parenting relationship for the years ahead just the two of you.
Tough I know but that would be my terms.

I think the steriods are a side issue and not important. He is not a good dad to be honest his/her e-mail turned me cold. It was the bit about him being a dad and needing to see his dad twice a week. He's 3 he needs a LOT more in terms of a dad than that He/she are not invested in your son..sorry but all his/her actions/words suggest that.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Fri 18-Jul-14 14:48:50

I think MrsC said earlier that its obvious he's no longer on steroids but there is always the possibility if he's dabbled before he could dabble again.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 18-Jul-14 14:46:05

If he wants his 'contact information' to be disseminated to all and sundry, he can damn well do it himself. And he can contact the school for its calendar himself, too. And that's what I'd tell him, but in professional and polite language, of course. He's an adult, he can do it himself. But, I also think he's looking for a way to make you seem 'uncooperative' so he can moan to all and sundry, so perhaps reply that you feel he should contact the school himself as you want him to be absolutely sure the information is exactly as he wants it without you as middleman, or some such.

And I think it's amazing that his cell knows what you are calling about as 'it can take your calls about DS only'. Some of his email is really incomprehensible, at least to me. I can't believe that OW doesn't 'edit' his emails. She seems to control everything else for him.

Since you have no formal court orders, I'd say you are really in the catbird seat. You can decide contact centre or otherwise. Perhaps raise the issue of maintenance AND access? IIRC he isn't paying so perhaps since he's feeling so 'almighty daddy' right now, it would be a good time to say "Since you are so concerned with your 'rights', how about the 'right' to pay maintenance? After all, that's part of being a good father, too. And while we're at it, what 'good father' allows his child to live in a home with electrics issues?". Nah, I guess there's no point in tweaking his nose, won't do a bit of good, will it?

He's realizing he's backed himself into a corner AND that people he moaned to are realizing that he is a liar. Combine that with possible steroid use and I think you need to consider carefully what you say and do. At the first sign or hint of a threat, I'd go to the police and at least file a report.

3littlefrogs Fri 18-Jul-14 10:41:40

Emerging again from lurkdom to say I second the suggestion of contact only at a contact centre.

What you have said re the steroids would make me very wary indeed about unsupervised contact.

LBZT Fri 18-Jul-14 10:17:39

mrsc are you sure you don't want to go down the contact center route for the moment.

Do not inform of DS relevant dates I say this because he is trying to make contact on his terms not what is in the best interest of your son. A decent father would ensure a good healthy co-parenting relationship, he is not prepared to achieve this. I understand that he needs his Dad but you need to work together as parents and his e-mail does not say that does it???

You need to think about what you want in a working relationship with him going forward then you need to write it out and send it for your sake as much as DS because i can put money on it you will find yourself in the same place in a couple of months time so you really need to think about what will worl long term.

As for the advice no legal person etc would suggest what he is saying clearly she wants him to keep away from you but it won'y work you are both patents to same child. She is going to have to accept that at some point.

Stand you ground think about what you need to happen lay it out for him in plain english. Think long term reason etc Good Luck and please don't let him play you because I feel like he is and you need to get control of this now show him that no you are in control and you are going to do what is best for DS and he should be meeting you halfway that would make him a decent dad.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Fri 18-Jul-14 10:16:43

I really do believe you have him against the ropes and a lot of what he says is him fronting it out - badly.

As for the tex this morning - Im not even more convinced that they know they are on a hiding to none.

I can imagine its infuriating to be in the receiving end of this but try to take strength from the fact you are have seriously got to them.

MrsC1969HJ Fri 18-Jul-14 10:01:27

Not heard from him for weeks and get another email this morning asking if I could please confirm that contact will go ahead tomorrow...amazing!

MrsC1969HJ Fri 18-Jul-14 09:41:09

Morning Granny, you are a MUCH nicer person that I am...I think it's the ramblings of a deluded idiot who somehow feels "entitled" because he's a sperm donor...even worse that he expects ME to be his bloody secretary aswell. To be fair, his guard does slip every now and again but I think he's learned not to try the sympathy thing anymore as I have grown wise to it. The one thing that is apparent is that OW HATES him having contact with me. I take some pleasure from that actually!

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun Fri 18-Jul-14 04:54:20

Yes, just keep silent, and not just because that last text shows they are not really coping with the goings on they've created. They are posing now and not making a very good job of it.

But there is also something, a change, in the way he is talking about wanting to be a dad. I think its a genuine/human change for the better, and it shows his guard is slipping. That he has trouble keeping up with the mayhem they've caused.

MrsC1969HJ Thu 17-Jul-14 23:02:57

Pointy, thank you for lovely post as usual, yes that's exactly how I feel, the person I married died, he doesn't exist anymore!

HerbRobert...oh I laughed out loud at your post...brilliant! Of course, would be delighted! I don't know when I am going to have time to write this book but reckon it would be a bestseller! Thank you so much for your ongoing support, even as a lurker, it means so much to me! :-) x

So, following on from note on door which put a few things straight...I have had several phone calls that I ignored from Mr WT. Eventually I text him to say that I didn't want to speak to him, I wanted a number that was always available and an email that worked if he was to see DS unsupervised. Funnily enough, he can suddenly receive texts! Concentrated mind I think...anyway, then I got this...as usual, illiterate workings are all his....!

You can send your court info by post or by email. My mobile for you to contact me on XXXXX

Which can take your calls about DS and DS only. I will take calls on it on access days with DS if you feel you need to check its switched on.

I will keep the phone on but that I state this is for calls about DS . All legal info to be done in writing and posted . You can also relay information in his bag when I collect him.

I must instruct that my emergency contact numbers and details are put on his records, you may hate the fact I am his father but I have rights the same as you do. It would be nice in future if the invite goes out for sports days and events. I also state now require date of his first day at SCHOOL as I will require to be there . I don't think that's a lot to ask. He has two parents you can not change that.

You can not take it away he is my son it's on paper and I will not be removed from special events with him in the future. He's needs to see his dad twice a week .

I request over the holiday period 6 weeks I have him more than my two days, to work around you. I just want to spend time with my son and he enjoys his time with me. Happy if not perhaps to have him a full day as two hours limits what I can do are go with him, I have also promised to take him to digger land.

I have been advised to stay away from you and I attend to do this. For DS sake I hope one day the crusade stops, but knowing you I doubt this will ever happen.

Oh dear, well I think we all know who is "advising" don't we?! Mrs paranoid OW I should think. I haven't replied, I am not going to. I do get so angry and frustrated at this "crusade" thing but if you have had to spin a whole web of lies over so many months, you must start to believe your own shit mustn't you? It really irks me though, crusade!!!! How dare he, deluded moron!!

HerbRobert Thu 17-Jul-14 10:25:55

Lurker here thanks thanks thanks

Frankly, as I feel somewhat inadequate to help, apart from admiration and positive vibes, I have de lurked to put my name down for a (signed) copy of "The Absolute Fuckwittery of Mr Wankering Twattishness".

pointythings Thu 17-Jul-14 10:20:43

MrsC I am sorry you had such a rough day yesterday, but so glad WWK has chosen to share her experiences with you. thanks to both of you. I literally cannot imagine steroid psychosis - yes, my DH has issues with alcohol, but since he has drastically cut back his drinking and started ADs, I have him back - vile sciatica and all, but still him. Seeing someone wilfully destroy their real selves to the point where they are unlikely to ever come back must be dreadful.

Eventually you will have to grieve for him as if he were no longer there, because in a real sense he is not. You wouldn't be far wrong to think of yourself as widowed, not in the process of divorcing. sad

MrsC1969HJ Thu 17-Jul-14 09:49:32

WWK, bless you, you didn't upset me, it was more that somebody totally understood where I was coming from. Nobody realises the profound effect on a person that anabolic steriods have. I am convinced that when he started taking those, it changed him beyond all recognition. I completely understand your struggle to come to terms with the "what if's" and it is hard to explain when the person you once loved disappears so completely. I don't think I will ever come to terms with that. Who knows what damage they do to themselves? My husband should never have taken a substance like that, already suffering with OCD, clearly on the spectrum (I can see that now) and a history of self harm as a child, both parents suffering from severe depressive illnesses, he has probably done himself long term damage, never mind the bladder condition he has, the liver damage that is causes, his horrible migraine condition, what was he thinking? I will never ever know. He knew best. He "researched" it apparently. Even our GP said he thought he was suffering from steroid psychosis. I don't think he is taking them now, well certainly not judging by the sight of him. Unrecognisable in every sense. OW isn't living with a real person in my opinion and she is so vile, rude and obsessed with her own self importance that she will just have a very damaged man she can order about, and she is it seems. You're right though, he made the decision to start taking them and he has made all the decisions since in terms of how he has treated his family. What a combination of factors! Anyway, I have switched off phone today, I will make him wait, he will be beside himself at the prospect of hand delivered post and a return to the contact centre, but that is how it's going to be if he continues down this line. Thank you so much for posting and yes, we should have a chat at some point, thank you :-) xx

Across, that is the best title ever! I did laugh! It really is very difficult to understand how his mind is working, he also apparently said he "wasn't invited" to sports day. Well if he'd been contactable, he could have gone couldn't he? He could have gone anyway, the school is round the corner from the house, nothing was stopping him, except himself...facing people. His loss and he will have many more losses to come with regards to his son. That's certain!

AcrossthePond55 Thu 17-Jul-14 03:12:32

WWK a very profound post re the effect that 'substances' (drugs, steroids, alcohol) have on a person. AND how absolutely blameless their partner is in these situations. Yet the partner feels 100% of the effects.

MrsC go ahead and have a good cry. You're entitled to it. I know that tomorrow you'll be better and stronger. So, when you're feeling better read the part about Mr WT's encounter with the neighbour again. I have to admit it gave me a little 'guffaw'. "She never TOLD me", "I've made it impossible to contact me" probably all in the same breath. And he does not realize the contradiction. Amazing. Another one to add to that book you'll be writing which I think should be titled:

"The Absolute Fuckwittery of Mr Wankering Twattishness".

Face it, the title alone guarantees a best seller!

WellWhoKnew Thu 17-Jul-14 00:15:54

Sorry - in my post I've got my pronouns all confused. When I used 'you' I was projecting to 'him'.

So: I may not have known about the impact of those pills when he started taking them. I am suffering them now, he was the person who made THAT decision.

I little over-projection on my part.

Best wishes,

WWK.

WellWhoKnew Wed 16-Jul-14 23:52:27

Sorry, love. I didn't intend to cause you distress. Perhaps we have more than a little in common. I am happy to chat to you off-line as it is something I struggle with daily.

My biggest struggle is that 'if it weren't for those damned pills' I wouldn't be battling this. However, unlike you, I don't have young children at home, and for that I only have me to fight for. However, I do worry about him daily.

I call him a twat these days. Never once in the last two decades have I thought of him in that way.

People will tell you not to give a shit. But you knew them at their best and at their ordinary - and you cared for them then. But you also know that something artificial came into the equation. However, he is still an adult. He made his choices.

Which only leaves you thinking: how much of my present situation could I have really changed? I may not have known about the impact of those pills when you started taking them. I am suffering them now, you were the person who made THAT decision.

I can only learn to cope with the consequences.

Does that make any sense to you?

MrsC1969HJ Wed 16-Jul-14 23:33:50

WellWhoKnew Your post has made me sob and I needed it...I wish I could fathom, explain...can't. I have walked that mile...for over a year...thank you xxxx

WellWhoKnew Wed 16-Jul-14 23:18:13

He has been seriously brain damaged by them

Yours and mine, love.

I am divorcing a man I could not ever have possibly loved. That's why it's important to detach and not get bogged down in their behaviour.

Mine started taking them pre-December. I don't know exactly when but I can tell you December was not a happy month for me. Nor was January, February...and here I am in July.

Everyone that knows him knows this. It is not just with me, it is with everyone we knew together, including his family.

Sometimes I feel immensely guilty about my mockery of him (the Dear STBXH letters). However, he is a grown man who has chosen to take these pills. I am the wife that has had to suffer them.

I also have the indignity of having those pills cited in my divorce petition. Apparently the petitioner didn't appreciate them. (He's the petitioner - so go figure).

Focus on you, and your children. Just focus on the important things - and leave him to his fuckwittery. Don't get bogged down in it - the legal system is well tried and well tested. Fill in your forms correctly, prove you are holier than thou, and head down.

If I can help, I will.

Once you get your court dates, it'll focus both your minds. Well, it'll focus yours, his mind is his own.

Best wishes, WWK.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 16-Jul-14 22:52:35

Pointy, I know I have sounded all jolly tonight on FB, I am not...I just have to keep up appearances and am so proud of beautiful DS...but I know that Mr WT possibly has access to my page from one source...I don't actually care...I don't do my marriage stuff on there...but will never let him see how fucked off I really am...and I really am tonight :-(

MrsC1969HJ Wed 16-Jul-14 22:49:56

Hello ladies, want to answer all properly but am in a really bad place tonight. Have been so upset about son's first sports day, he was the only one there without his daddy, even the lesbian parents were together. Anyway, having tried to let him know about today...nothing. He turned up to collect DS, I wasn't here, neighbour came out and told him that it was DS's sports day, he said "oh, I didn't know, she didn't tell me"...so neighbour said "she's tried every which way to let you know" and he said "she can't, I've made it so that she can't contact me" so neighbour said "well there you go then, there's a letter on the door for you". He got letter, drove off in huff. He's tried to ring me tonight. I can't speak to him, am too upset and angry so rejected call and switched off phone.

Anyway, back to steroids. I did put in original post. He started injecting steroids last summer. I have since got into his Amazon account and found purchases for needles, sharps boxes and sterile wipes to be delivered to his (then) business address. He had a massive personality change, massive. Was aggressive, sweaty, got body acne, started demanding sex at the most inappropriate times ie : when I was dealing with kids or something like that, had a permanent hard on...on it goes on. He has been seriously brain damaged by them I think. I also think he tested positive for them when he was investigated by the firearms unit and that is why he had the license revoked. They stay in your system for 10 years. I cannot even begin to describe the effect they had on him...and thus, that says it all doesn't it? Total brain damage, he was buying from an unreliable source, was self injecting, I can't tell you what a different person he became. I don't think he's taking them now but whatever he took had a lasting and huge effect on him....so....what do you think? I know many ruined lives from this! xxx

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