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PLEASE HELP - DESPERATE AND AWFUL DIVORCE :-(

(1000 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 18:03:07

I apologise in advance for the very long first post, but this is a story and I have no idea how I am going to move on with my life. My husband and I had a baby 11 years into our marriage as he was suddenly desperate to become a father. I already had a daughter from a previous relationship. I didn’t want to have another child if I am honest because I knew that he would struggle to cope and that it would be such a huge change. I was 42 when our son was born, my husband 39. Our son was a very difficult baby who suffered reflux, cried constantly and didn’t in fact sleep at night until he was 2 ½ years old. In the meantime, he was referred for statementing for ASD due to severe behavioural problems. Clearly this put a huge strain on our relationship. 2013 was a very difficult year, my husband receiving a life changing medical diagnosis which affected him quite deeply, I also had two cancer scares and some serious family issues. I also had severe PND which I didn’t seek proper help for, thinking I could cope. All of this put a huge strain on our marriage in many ways. Last October, my husband walked into the kitchen at 8 in the morning and told me he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving, he then walked out for the whole day rendering himself unavailable. When he returned home he said he wouldn’t leave for a few weeks but I got together every last one of his possessions/clothes and asked him to leave, which he did early the next morning. I was absolutely stunned, I didn’t see it coming at all and while I knew we were having a rough patch, there was nothing that was insurmountable. He assured me that there was nobody else involved and I believed him, I couldn’t bear to think otherwise. However, his behaviour was then astonishing. He raised a divorce petition with his solicitor within 3 days on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (so I knew he wasn’t coming back apparently), sacked me from his company (completely illegally), cut off all financial support (despite initially promising that nothing would change financially), cancelled the Sky package, mine and my daughter’s mobile phones and took his name off all the utilities, even taking the credit balances. He had already set up post redirection to the house of a friend where he said he would be staying and announced that I would have to start claiming income support and tax credits and that he would pay the mortgage for the next 13 weeks until I could claim Mortgage Interest Relief. I was just stunned. He just kept throwing things at me, not giving me a chance to breathe or recover. I didn’t eat a thing for two weeks, existing on coffee and protein shakes, losing 2 stone in the process, all while trying to care for two devastated children. I then received a text from him that was clearly not meant for me “you are my life”...I thought I was going to have a heart attack, the shock was indescribable. I subsequently discovered the OW was somebody who had been known to us for around 12 years and was unfortunately somebody I really disliked, much older than my husband and to top it all, her husband was killed last March in an RTA. I initially made email contact with her, explaining my sadness, she replied but tried to use her dead husband and grieving child to imply that she was vulnerable and nowhere near ready for a relationship and I took some comfort (and hope) from that, but it soon became clear that this was not the case and she became increasingly nasty and vile as time went on, especially when I caught them out at a log cabin weekend away when my husband said he was on business. She has called me some awful things, complained about being “bored of your pitiful your bleating”, calling me a “sad fuck”, “grow up and move on”, “if you were so great, why did he leave”, “you kid yourself this is all my doing”, absolutely tortuous abuse. Surely she is the one who involved herself with a married man?! This woman runs 3 child based businesses in a small town and can’t afford the damage to her reputation. She even had a solicitor write to me to threaten me. I have suffered an assault by my husband with police and social services becoming involved, the hell of a contact centre as a result of that, it has been a never ending nightmare. I finally filed for my own divorce on the grounds of their adultery which my husband tried to overturn by pretending he was gay (!). He finally told me that he met her again after a gap of 8 years at the beginning of October via work. He said that two days before he left me (on the 19th), “they” decided they wanted to be together and he tried to do the right thing by not having sex with her until after he’d left the house!! I have subsequently found out that he moved straight in with her (after less than 3 weeks, really?!) and only 6 months after the death of her husband. I can’t believe this relationship hasn’t been going on for much longer but he completely denies it. He re-registered his business to her business address 5 days after leaving me, listing her address as his home address. Last week he cancelled the car insurance just as I was leaving to take the children to school. Who is this man I was married to for 14 years and has turned into a complete stranger, selfish beyond belief and without any moral compass whatsoever? They taunt me with taking custody of my son, tell me I am not fit to be his mother, yet my husband shows no interest in my son’s very many medical appointments and only sees him twice a week, leaving me to pick up the emotional mess my little boy is reduced to every time. I just don’t know how to cope. I have developed some serious health problems as a result, which she saw fit to mock quite unbelievably and am trying really hard to keep myself together but it’s getting harder by the day. I have a great support network, even my husband’s family who have completely disowned him but I feel so lonely and frightened. I never imagined I would end up in a situation like this at this time of my life. My husband has given up EVERYTHING except the clothes on his back to be with this woman who is a horror to look at and surely must have some emotional issues to be behaving as she does and “moving on” so quickly after the death of her husband. My husband no longer has any friends, all have turned their back yet apparently it has all been “worth it” as she gives him lots of “cuddles, kisses and greets him nicely when he comes through the door”. I am not even joking. I am starting counselling this week but with the divorce becoming ever more nasty and awful, I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband is also desperate to involve my son with this woman, something I think is totally inappropriate at this stage, especially given her antagonism towards me. I just don’t know which way to turn. Again, apologies for such a long post and believe me, this is the short version. How will I ever recover from all of this and how do I cope with such a vindictive pair especially in relation to my children? I feel like my life is no longer my own .

MrsC1969HJ Fri 02-May-14 09:26:40

Hi ladies, yes he said that it had been "six months" and DS should be "fully involved" with his "current family". He said he would read the report when he received it blah blah. On the other hand, he kept going on about future housing needs as this relationship had "only been going for 6 months"...it beggars belief. So, on one hand, it's OK to introduce my son after 6 months but on the other he can't guarantee it's a "permanent" relationship!!! I have to say, I really do feel absolutely battered by this. I had a bit of sleep, am OK, still waiting to hear from solicitor and will make a decision this morning. Thanks so much for all your ongoing advice and support, I don't know what I'd do without you! xxx

LBZT Fri 02-May-14 09:50:37

Sorry I know that you have a lot on your plate at the moment, but as PP have discussed you going NC and not feeding him/ow it occurred to me that even if you did that, if he or her are reading this thread, the point of no contact is null and void because they would still be feeding off you through this thread...vultures.
I know that today this is really the last thing you need to think about,but maybe at a later date you could give some thought to moving this thread to a quieter place.

Pinkballoon Fri 02-May-14 10:50:30

You could just sit and wait for a court application for contact with DC, if you can argue that unsupervised contact with him in the interim would be to their detriment.

What happens is that he puts his application in saying that you are denying access and that he wants to see DC. It goes to court and then before you go in, CAFCASS interview you both to determine what the issues are. You then go into the court and usually the Judge will say that they want in-depth CAFCASS interviews before they are prepared to make any decisions. You then go away and have these a few weeks (or months!) later, at which time you could put forward the HV report as well. CAFCASS will write up a report and send it to the court. You then go back to the court and the Judge makes their decision (usually just follow what CAFCASS say.)

In terms of him saying about his future housing needs. It may well be that she is pissed off at the prospect of having to finance your maintenance as well as him, so he is going to go and rent a studio flat or something, so as to claim that they are not living together etc., so that the court only look at HIS income and not hers??? Maybe.

In terms of this being a 'family' that your DC needs to be introduced to. Er, no, not after 6 months. And particularly if they will be, as he states, living separately. She is a current girlfriend who has a child.

captainmummy Fri 02-May-14 13:08:40

MrsC -then it is only 'his opinion' that DS should be involved with his 'current family', whereas it is the professional recommendation of your HV team that DS should NOT be.

ANy future court orders will notice that he dismissed the recommendations, and that you withheld contact as you could not guarantee he would safeguard his DS's mental stability. You are perfectly entitled to put DS firsts, over and way above what ExH wants.

And as Pinkballoon says (again!) - he is either 'living with OW' and therefore it;s a longterm relationship (and you can take her income into account) or they are living separately, in which case he cannot claim her to be his 'current family'. !!

MrsC1969HJ Fri 02-May-14 22:50:43

Hi all, I am so sorry, am in such a bloody bad place with all of this I can't even answer things. Am going to sort self out and get back on it. Stuff happened today...am just absolutely sick to the back teeth of being trodden on by these two vile arseholes...no more. Will be back in full force tomorrow and THANK YOU my lovely friends for helping me more than you'll ever know xx

AcrossthePond55 Sat 03-May-14 00:27:30

You take care, MrsC. Regroup and try to rest. We'll be here when you're ready.

IAmNotAMindReader Sat 03-May-14 01:41:12

Take care and try to remember the less effect they think they are having on you the more outlandish and ridiculous their behaviour gets.

Small comfort but their escalation is a sign your dignified reactions are getting to them.

Just try to record everything in a purely factual manner via diary and keep all records of emails, texts etc. to back yourself up and let him shoot himself in the foot further.

The house you can get an occupation order on based on your DS needing a stable environment, from the link below they cover a range of situations
england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/relationship_breakdown/occupation_orders

Now is the time to ignore their games and treat them as nothing more than a fungal infection threatening the health of your home and family.
Concentrate on securing your DS a stable future. if his behaviour makes him a threat to that despite being told your DS's requirements then that's his look out. He's an adult your DS isn't. Instruct your solicitor with this in mind and let them be your buffer. You can request all correspondence go through them until things are resolved, then you can have an email set up specifically to deal with things relating to your ds. Anything else gets deleted and relevant mails get replies, after a day, to digest and compose yourself.

Any dirty trick they pull will soon unravel with the evidence you already have and continue to gather. Whilst it may be stressful it will pass, they will burn out and have to face each other, then they will really have their own hands full. Till then batten down the hatches there is always someone here. You have immeasurable support from all sides, they only have each other.

LBZT Sat 03-May-14 11:52:11

mrsc just logged to see how you are, yes yes and yes to regrouping. Don't give up I am sending you strength and peace. You deserve blessings in abundance and so do your kids. I am willing all these for you.

MrsC1969HJ Mon 05-May-14 22:51:06

Hello everybody, I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you to all of you who have posted over the last week with words of comfort, advice and hand-holding, without which I don't know what I would have done. I am feeling a little calmer after last week's nightmares and have decided that I will now be proceeding to Court with the financial situation. It is clear that mediation is not going to work. He has apparently forwarded some more information to the mediator so clearly went away and had a think, but I know that it's all a joke, not "full and frank" and the things they have been doing to arrange their affairs are obvious to everybody. Enough is enough. I will wait for the "open" financial statement from the mediator and take it from there. I didn't cancel access in the end on Saturday, several people including my MIL said it would look spiteful, and that wasn't my intention, I don't want to deprive my son of his father, I want his father to behave in the way I expect under the circumstances. On that basis, when my DS was sat in the bath tonight and he mentioned OW's name, covered his face and then said "sorry Mummy", the decision was made. H is clearly completely ignoring solicitors agreements and everything else and is taking my DS to see the OW. Contact will have to be supervised from now on and that is the end of it. I have noticed that my DS is increasingly quiet on return from contact and when you ask him what he's done he says "no" a lot. That isn't normal at all. I am sure that they are putting words into his mouth or saying "don't tell mummy". That is emotional abuse. Enough. On Saturday, H was literally hiding round the corner when DS went out of the door and was halfway up the drive when I opened the door on DS's return. He is avoiding me like the plague. Haven't heard a word from him at all. So, after counselling tomorrow, it will be organising everything with the solicitor. I am meeting with a friend on Friday who is going through the same thing and has just made an application to Court herself as a "litigant in person" as it were so she is going to help me with some advice too.

On a separate note, I found out today that my brother's current secretary (who took over OW's job), had to go to the inquest into the death of OW's husband a few weeks ago as she witnessed the accident. What is the chance of that?! How odd. I have no idea if OW attended or not, don't suppose it matters, she's shacked up with somebody else's husband now isn't she?!

I have given up smoking today. At the moment, I am thinking WTF did I do that for?! Got to be done though.

So, thank you again EVERYBODY for everything, you're all amazing :-) xxx

AcrossthePond55 Tue 06-May-14 01:16:57

Good on you for quitting smoking. It'll give you something to focus on, something positive that you're doing for yourself.

I think you handled things beautifully and I agree with supervised contact. What a bastard to put the burden of deception on an innocent child! Sometimes I just marvel at what people think it's OK to do!

LBZT Tue 06-May-14 10:05:27

Glad you're feeling better mrsc From everything you describe regarding your DS and contact with his Dad by returning to supervised contact it really does seem the way forward, your his mum and doing your best for him and at the end of the day it's your job to protect him from harm, including emotional harm so it's a good decision.
Hopefully in the future your DS can have unsupervised contact with his Dad, but that will really depend on him.
I hope you have a good and productive day, it sounds like you have a strong plan and a way forward.

MrsC1969HJ Tue 06-May-14 23:45:05

Hi ladies, well that all went horribly wrong today. Refused access at centre but also refused to comply with current arrangement. Has indicated clearly that he doesn't agree or believe the HV's opinion that son is on the spectrum. Has told me car insurance will be cancelled by the morning, has reduced maintenance, has told me that he has emailed daughter's father to tell him that he needs to take a DNA test as daughter isn't his, has told the DVLA that he "sold" the car to me and I have failed to return the log book (would like to see him prove exhange of funds on that one!), has told me he is going for "full custody" of DS as I clearly have mental health issues, need help, am bitter, twisted, vengeful and couldn't give a shit about DS, only about revenge on him. I tried to keep things purely on a level and only about DS but he raged on, after which I just decided to not respond as it was pointless, solicitor has written to him. He told me that he films every single access visit in its' entirety..WTF? This is to demonstrate that DS is "laughing and happy". Funnily enough when I mentioned to the counsellor that I might film DS to show how he is when he comes home I was told that would be deemed as manipulating a situation and that it would be ill advised. I am not suggesting that DS isn't happy in the company of his father, what is at stake is the confusion of "others" in a new set up, having to call other people "Grandma" etc... and the behaviour of DS when he comes home. For example, he came out of school today happy to tell me what he had done, what snack he'd had etc...he comes home from H and doesn't want to tell me anything, only responding "no" and is very quiet. The bath incident of Sunday night said it all...he is making a 3 year old lie...it's clear as day, I didn't even have to give the full story to the counsellor this morning before she said the same thing. So, as normal, am exhausted with it all, will wait and see what tomorrow brings. Why is this "man" completely incapable of doing the right thing by his son in any way shape or form? His actions today demonstrate his extreme instability and I frankly wish he wasn't my son's father, I really do. Painful :-( x

MrsC1969HJ Tue 06-May-14 23:48:45

On a positive note though, his attempt to leave me with a tax bill by taking dividends and using them to partly pay the mortgage has failed. Accountants are going to draw up a return and I just need to prove that the money never went anywhere near my bank account, that I haven't seen any of it and that H paid himself and himself alone. So now he will have a double tax bill. Sat there all smug and pleased with himself thinking he'd landed me with a massive bill. Fail.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 07-May-14 00:35:17

12.30 am, have just checked and he has indeed cancelled the car insurance. So, this "responsible father", knowing the difficulties it caused last time he did this and the response of DS to the change of routine, has done it again purely out of spite. What a vile and nasty man he is. His behaviour is just unfathomable.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 07-May-14 00:43:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs Wed 07-May-14 01:40:07

Hopefully in the future your DS can have unsupervised contact with his Dad

Sorry, can't agree with the 'hopefully' part. Some parents are toxic and it's better the kids have no access to them imo.

I clearly have mental health issues, need help, am bitter, twisted, vengeful and couldn't give a shit about DS, only about revenge on him - er, that'll be him he's talking about then idiot hmm

Have't been on MN for a while, and sorry to hear you've been going through it Mrs. I wholeheartedly agree that your NC has brought about this cloud of foul actions. Hold tight, keep to NC as far as you possibly can - all the spite has nowhere to go now you're not accepting it, so it goes OUT, for all to see. That's the ticket smile

AcrossthePond55 Wed 07-May-14 02:41:10

Oh. my. God! What a nasty, spiteful creature he is! He's trying to bully and frighten you. Get thee to your solicitor asap and see what can be done re finances. I don't know diddley about the UK legal system, but I think it may be time to go NC & let the legal system speak for you.

LBZT Wed 07-May-14 07:24:19

not sure what to say mrsc feel slightly speechless. He appears to be lashing out to try and bully you round to his way, stay strong and go NC as much as possible, remember he feeds off your response your silence will drive him insane.
Will cancelling car insurance and reducing maintenance booster your case for court?

Clutterbugsmum Wed 07-May-14 07:35:48

I agree LBZT.

Stop all contact with him, Tell him he can only contact you via your solicitor.

Could you report him/her for hassassment due to the nature and amount of of vile e mails/texts they are sending. Speak to solicitor today.

Do you have it in writting about the atempted tax fraud if so find out who you can report it too.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 07-May-14 10:33:41

Hi all, I am just attempting to arrange car insurance that I can ill afford, especially now he has reduced maintenance payments. I am waiting to hear from solicitor. Had about 4 hours sleep. Hour long round trip on foot to nursery, tried to make an adventure for son after the meltdown he had last time with the "change" in routine. Managed to get somebody to take DD to school as it's a 40 minute walk and she will get a lift home if I am not sorted. Having palpitations today with stress. Oh it goes on...and on...God knows what's coming next. Thank you everybody for ongoing and continued support. xx

springydaffs Wed 07-May-14 12:23:54

Keep an eye on your breathing - low into your belly, not high in your chest/shoulders. Really, it makes a huge difference to general copability (not a real word). Take deep breaths down to your belly when you think of it.

Hold on, this is the storm and just hold on, it will pass. Thinking of you precious xxx flowers flowers

springydaffs Wed 07-May-14 12:24:53

Kalms are very good, too - 3 times a day xx

MrsC1969HJ Wed 07-May-14 12:30:34

Thank you Springy - I do actually have a chemist in walking distance so will go and get some. Car insurance proving unaffordable at the moment. Pouring with rain, managed to get my lovely neighbour to take me to Nursery although had to explain to DS before we left so it wasn't a "surprise"...just said "Mummy's car is broken so we need to go home with X today". How can that sperm donor do this, knowing the situation he has left me in? DD has a doctor's appointment that she has to go to this afternoon so will have to get her there somehow. How are things with you my lovely? I have been totally obsessed with "self" and haven't checked in on you x

LBZT Wed 07-May-14 13:08:42

Kalms are very good can highly recommend them, I also take Ginkgo Biloba.

On the car insurance front can you get a policy that you pay over 12 months would that make it easier. Maybe you could sell something of his to cover the cost?

So sorry that he's landed this crap on you, but don't give him the satisfaction of him seeing how this has affected you, he's probably sitting on his e-mail waiting on a fight with you.

overthebliddyhill Wed 07-May-14 13:27:33

When we were young and skint we insured 3rd party, fire and theft .....an awful lot cheaper. You can upgrade to fully comp when things improve.

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