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PLEASE HELP - DESPERATE AND AWFUL DIVORCE :-(

(1000 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread. Read here.

MrsC1969HJ Wed 19-Mar-14 18:03:07

I apologise in advance for the very long first post, but this is a story and I have no idea how I am going to move on with my life. My husband and I had a baby 11 years into our marriage as he was suddenly desperate to become a father. I already had a daughter from a previous relationship. I didn’t want to have another child if I am honest because I knew that he would struggle to cope and that it would be such a huge change. I was 42 when our son was born, my husband 39. Our son was a very difficult baby who suffered reflux, cried constantly and didn’t in fact sleep at night until he was 2 ½ years old. In the meantime, he was referred for statementing for ASD due to severe behavioural problems. Clearly this put a huge strain on our relationship. 2013 was a very difficult year, my husband receiving a life changing medical diagnosis which affected him quite deeply, I also had two cancer scares and some serious family issues. I also had severe PND which I didn’t seek proper help for, thinking I could cope. All of this put a huge strain on our marriage in many ways. Last October, my husband walked into the kitchen at 8 in the morning and told me he didn’t love me anymore and was leaving, he then walked out for the whole day rendering himself unavailable. When he returned home he said he wouldn’t leave for a few weeks but I got together every last one of his possessions/clothes and asked him to leave, which he did early the next morning. I was absolutely stunned, I didn’t see it coming at all and while I knew we were having a rough patch, there was nothing that was insurmountable. He assured me that there was nobody else involved and I believed him, I couldn’t bear to think otherwise. However, his behaviour was then astonishing. He raised a divorce petition with his solicitor within 3 days on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour (so I knew he wasn’t coming back apparently), sacked me from his company (completely illegally), cut off all financial support (despite initially promising that nothing would change financially), cancelled the Sky package, mine and my daughter’s mobile phones and took his name off all the utilities, even taking the credit balances. He had already set up post redirection to the house of a friend where he said he would be staying and announced that I would have to start claiming income support and tax credits and that he would pay the mortgage for the next 13 weeks until I could claim Mortgage Interest Relief. I was just stunned. He just kept throwing things at me, not giving me a chance to breathe or recover. I didn’t eat a thing for two weeks, existing on coffee and protein shakes, losing 2 stone in the process, all while trying to care for two devastated children. I then received a text from him that was clearly not meant for me “you are my life”...I thought I was going to have a heart attack, the shock was indescribable. I subsequently discovered the OW was somebody who had been known to us for around 12 years and was unfortunately somebody I really disliked, much older than my husband and to top it all, her husband was killed last March in an RTA. I initially made email contact with her, explaining my sadness, she replied but tried to use her dead husband and grieving child to imply that she was vulnerable and nowhere near ready for a relationship and I took some comfort (and hope) from that, but it soon became clear that this was not the case and she became increasingly nasty and vile as time went on, especially when I caught them out at a log cabin weekend away when my husband said he was on business. She has called me some awful things, complained about being “bored of your pitiful your bleating”, calling me a “sad fuck”, “grow up and move on”, “if you were so great, why did he leave”, “you kid yourself this is all my doing”, absolutely tortuous abuse. Surely she is the one who involved herself with a married man?! This woman runs 3 child based businesses in a small town and can’t afford the damage to her reputation. She even had a solicitor write to me to threaten me. I have suffered an assault by my husband with police and social services becoming involved, the hell of a contact centre as a result of that, it has been a never ending nightmare. I finally filed for my own divorce on the grounds of their adultery which my husband tried to overturn by pretending he was gay (!). He finally told me that he met her again after a gap of 8 years at the beginning of October via work. He said that two days before he left me (on the 19th), “they” decided they wanted to be together and he tried to do the right thing by not having sex with her until after he’d left the house!! I have subsequently found out that he moved straight in with her (after less than 3 weeks, really?!) and only 6 months after the death of her husband. I can’t believe this relationship hasn’t been going on for much longer but he completely denies it. He re-registered his business to her business address 5 days after leaving me, listing her address as his home address. Last week he cancelled the car insurance just as I was leaving to take the children to school. Who is this man I was married to for 14 years and has turned into a complete stranger, selfish beyond belief and without any moral compass whatsoever? They taunt me with taking custody of my son, tell me I am not fit to be his mother, yet my husband shows no interest in my son’s very many medical appointments and only sees him twice a week, leaving me to pick up the emotional mess my little boy is reduced to every time. I just don’t know how to cope. I have developed some serious health problems as a result, which she saw fit to mock quite unbelievably and am trying really hard to keep myself together but it’s getting harder by the day. I have a great support network, even my husband’s family who have completely disowned him but I feel so lonely and frightened. I never imagined I would end up in a situation like this at this time of my life. My husband has given up EVERYTHING except the clothes on his back to be with this woman who is a horror to look at and surely must have some emotional issues to be behaving as she does and “moving on” so quickly after the death of her husband. My husband no longer has any friends, all have turned their back yet apparently it has all been “worth it” as she gives him lots of “cuddles, kisses and greets him nicely when he comes through the door”. I am not even joking. I am starting counselling this week but with the divorce becoming ever more nasty and awful, I can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. My husband is also desperate to involve my son with this woman, something I think is totally inappropriate at this stage, especially given her antagonism towards me. I just don’t know which way to turn. Again, apologies for such a long post and believe me, this is the short version. How will I ever recover from all of this and how do I cope with such a vindictive pair especially in relation to my children? I feel like my life is no longer my own .

MrsC1969HJ Thu 20-Mar-14 11:19:37

Stinkingbishop - thank you so much for your post. This is what I am hanging onto, that I deserve better than this. It just astounds me how you can be with somebody for so long and not know them at all. I know that he has cut off two previous relationships in the same mercenary manner, under much different circumstances (other parties being unfaithfully ironically!) so I don't know why I thought I would be any different. How naive I was! I need to stop loving him, I haven't yet, despite everything. He can't even look me in the same direction as me. I think she is very jealous and insecure to behave in such a way but she must know that this could happen to her one day! I do hope that I meet somebody new eventually. I do worry about the effects on my daughter, at 15 years old she has already said that this has taught her never to trust a man, she will never marry and never have children. He has no idea what he has done to the children, it's so sad. I take huge comfort in the constant reassurances from others who have been in the same boat, that things will one day be better! :-)

MrsC1969HJ Thu 20-Mar-14 11:21:01

Hemlock2013 - thank you for your kind words and support, I can't tell you what this means to me!

iquitsugarnow Thu 20-Mar-14 16:18:39

I hope you're feeling a little better now MrsC. It's easy for people to tell you not to get worked up and move on but you're not a robot, feelings are feelings, and that's how you're feeling right now. You need to work through that in your own time. They are your feelings and it's not for anyone to tell you that they're right or wrong.

It's great that you're feeling better from posting here. You'll come through this.x

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Thu 20-Mar-14 17:05:27

Hi there

We've moved this to Relationships now at the OP's request.

Hope things start to look up for you soon, MrsC1969HJ

MrsC1969HJ Thu 20-Mar-14 17:12:38

iquitsugarnow - thank you, indeed it is very difficult. I am still very much in the grieving stage and I know that will pass with time.

Have had a difficult afternoon, husband has asked if he and his mistress can take son away in June for a week. I have said no which has caused all sorts of issues, but he's too young, doesn't cope at all with even a small change in routine and while I am still on the receiving end of all this crap from them, I don't trust them with my son. I have kept my response to him very businesslike and explained my reasons but of course he can't understand reason or rather doesn't want to face up to what he's done so all I have had is more rubbish about being an unfit mother, how can I look in the mirror and call myself a mum!! It's laughable actually given what he's done. He said I was a very bitter woman. What a prick!! :-D

LavenderGreen14 Thu 20-Mar-14 17:29:01

OP - I have received similar abuse from the OW - I have changed my email address, changed mobile numbers, made facebook and twitter private, keep copies/screenshots of anything she sends you and take it straight to the police. Do not respond ever, do not badmouth her to anyone - it just gives them more ammunition.

iquitsugarnow Thu 20-Mar-14 18:17:37

I absolutely agree that you should not allow them to take your son on holiday. Well done for standing up to them! Ignore the nastiness and continue to remain businesslike, give your answer then refuse to engage further.

MrsC1969HJ Thu 20-Mar-14 18:52:47

LavenderGreen14 - Have you?! Why is she abusing you, is it a similar situation and do you have children involved? I am desperate to hear how others cope with this. I have kept everything, I haven't made an official complaint to the police but I did have to pass it all on to her family liaison officer after she made a ridiculous baseless complaint about me. I keep everything else private. In a way, I am happy for her to dig her own grave. I still can't believe the cheek of them asking to take my son away, actually unbelievable!

iquitsugarnow - I think my reasons are valid but he thinks I am being spiteful. I did seek the opinions of a couple of friends and his own mother before I replied, all agreed with me. It is funny, he has gone on and on in further emails complaining about my fitness as a mother, going on about my son having a voice one day (which will sadly be directed at him no doubt when he realises what a dick his father is) and then the best laugh of all was telling me he wasn't taking any more work on (he's got a building company) and when he ran out of money, the OW would be paying my maintenance!! What sort of man says that?! No self respect at all. I wonder how long she'll want to keep bankrolling him! No wonder he tells people and I quote "I've fallen on my feet here"....things like this make me feel stronger actually!

somersethouse Thu 20-Mar-14 18:54:47

Dear OP, I am absolutely horrified for you and moved to post to lend support.

If it is any consulation, this relationship will clearly not work. It is destined for total disaster. I can only think your husband had some sort of mental breakdown to behave as he has, so quickly and in such a manner with the most unsuitable and unattractive proposition he could find. So bloody mad. Dreadful for you and of course both your children. To cut everything off like financially that must have made your blood run cold and made you panic.

But, that is beside the point, you are doing so well in the face of extreme adversity and should be extremely proud. I have recently separated from my husband and we have a 5 year old DD, I know exactly how you feel with regards to contact, the childs feelings, it is just a dreadful emotional rollercaoster. You feel utterly powerless, but you are not, as others have said you can concentrate on what you are able to control as you are indeed doing. I am lucky as my husband is being reasonable. My heart goes out to you.

Stay strong Mrsc1969 thinking of you and sending strength.

somersethouse Thu 20-Mar-14 18:57:59

I bet they knew you would say 'no' to the holiday for the very valid reasons you have done. They had no intention or desire to take your son on holiday for a week I am sure, they did it to get to you.

Your son will always be your weak point and they know it.
Foul.

What a pair of scumbags!

I don't even know what to say to you. I'm speechless at their callousness and fuckwittery!

Keep doing what you're doing, stay on top of things as best you can. I think counselling is an excellent idea.

They knew you wouldn't let your son go away. They're using it as a stick to beat you with.

They won't last, you know! That much ego is an enclosed space? Their heads will explode.

Nevergrowingup Thu 20-Mar-14 19:15:05

My goodness, what a torrent of abuse you are suffering. Take what you can of the advice others are giving you.

You don't need to be a whipping boy for their guilt. I never quite understand why those who leave a relationship spend their time abusing the person they have left?? It doesn't make sense. Aren't they meant to be loved-up?

Focus on your family group, your DS, your DD and yourself. You are at a sensitive time in your DS's life as it will pave the way for good support throughout their schooling. Don't let your Ex screw that up. If need be, use the law, use the professionals and if it is not in your Ds's best interest, your word becomes law.

LavenderGreen14 Thu 20-Mar-14 19:31:54

MrsC - I don't want to make this thread all about me as it is yours - but yep. I have been accused of all sorts, had junk mail and many other things. It has been hideous. Yes i have a child, my ex doesn't see her but apparently that is all my fault. If you want to PM me then please do so.

somersethouse Thu 20-Mar-14 19:38:37

Strength to you too Lavender

LavenderGreen14 Thu 20-Mar-14 19:43:30

Thanks Somerset thanks

Papaluigi Thu 20-Mar-14 19:43:46

I just read through and sadly can't offer any practical advice other than what some have already said. I probably sound a bit of hippy, but what goes around comes around, maybe not anytime soon but these pair of arseholes will get theirs one day. Be strong, as you clearly are, for your kids, hang in there and it will, eventually all be okay.

CookieDoughKid Thu 20-Mar-14 20:24:29

Some practical advice. Can you get a second cheap mobile phone and use that for your friends and family? Set up an email filter to delete all email from this OW ( or archive instead).

And completely limit the contact with your ex by only turning your phone on once every few days or when YOU feel you can cope with it.

That way you'll feel more control.

Take some CBT. If it gets stressful. Breathe. Live in the moment. Next hour or next day is not going to change or hurt you because that moment you are in..you are OK...

Divorce is a process that you'll have no choice but to work through but you have the power to fibro how it affects you. OK?

CookieDoughKid Thu 20-Mar-14 20:25:11

Control not fibro sorry!

MrsC1969HJ Thu 20-Mar-14 23:40:24

Oh my goodness, have come back to all these messages and have been moved to tears! Thank you all so much for such support, I feel like I've been given a giant hug!! Somersethouse thank you so much, it has been awful and I am glad that your husband is at least showing you some respect, my heart goes out to you, I know how painful it is. I agree that this relationship is so based on poison, I don't know where it will end up, but she appears desperate to keep him, she is much older, not attractive and he is young and very good looking, perfect boy toy material, they must look ridiculous together! Karma will deal with them in the end I would have thought. Waltermittymissus, thank you too, indeed I can imagine them telling everybody that I have just said "no" to the holiday rather than explaining that DS is a child with extra needs and doesn't cope with change very well, they choose to ignore the damage they have done to him or that he has just turned 3, difficult to explain and reason with. It's far too soon for anything like that. I loved your line about egos! Made me laugh out loud, you're so right! Nevergrowingup, thank you too, indeed I don't understand it either, it appears that this sort of behaviour is guilt related and common...they project their own ugliness onto you, the hurt spouse, in order to justify their position. I dread to think what my husband has told her about me, it's all about blame isn't it? They try to reflect it away from themselves. They are obsessed with my Facebook page, trying all sorts of ways to get into it, yet they would be sorely disappointed if they did, the one thing I haven't done is air my dirty laundry in public. Surely they should be cuddled up with eachother, not obsessing about me?! I will do all I can to protect my son :-). Papaluigi...I like the hippy vibe, I feel the same, Karma is very real and always gets you in the end. Actually, my husband looks dreadful at the moment, clearly it is getting to him somehow but that is her problem, thank you for your support! Finally CookieDoughKid, that's a good idea re : phone, I shall think on that and you are right, I do need to take control, one thing that has been very lacking lately! Thank you all so much...will have to wait and see what horrors tomorrow brings!

MrsC you sound like a brilliant mum and you're doing everything right! smile

Keep posting, there'll always be support here for you.

I'm glad he looks dreadful! Hopefully karma is playing havoc! flowers

Puddles1234 Fri 21-Mar-14 00:26:09

What has your solicitor said regarding your financial settlement from him? He surely cannot leave you with nothing?

I am no legal expert but there must be something that can be done in regards to the harassment you are experiencing? Especially if you have kept the countless stream of emails and texts?!

What has your solicitor said about you being sacked from your role within your husbands company?

Stand your ground and push for as much as you can get from your ex as he sounds like he is under the thumb of this woman. I know it's not all about money but you must protect yourself especially as you have given up your career. Normally housewives who have given up their careers are looked upon favourably by the courts hopefully this will be true in your case.

This situation you are in sounds like compete and utter hell. I wish you all the love and luck in the world with getting through this.

BigPawsBrown Fri 21-Mar-14 00:36:41

It's so hard when you come across forceful people like this as they make you feel like you are in the wrong when you aren't! take heart OP they sound like awful people. Have you considered counselling just to begin the process of moving on? This is one of the worst things I could imagine happening so i do appreciate it will take time...

Dirtybadger Fri 21-Mar-14 01:02:50

Are you pursuing the unfair dismissal? On what grounds did he sack you? It might be worth contacting another solicitor who deals with employment law to let them hear your case. I am not a lawyer but have assisted with a few employment tribunals (although from respondent rather than claimant perspective) and people have had strong cases on what appears to be much less. Granted you haven't given much information on this so I may be mistaken.

MrsC1969HJ Fri 21-Mar-14 01:06:20

Waltermittymissis - Thank you :-).

Puddles1234, thank you for your post. The situation is that we have had one mediation session where he got very angry and aggressive about the financial disclosure he has to make, even more so when he was told OW had to disclose too. He has tried to paint a picture of two financially disabled individuals but her businesses are successful and her husband was a high value public servant (a senior firefighter), tragically killed on the way to work (it's weird actually, as a side issue, her husband really disliked my husband, I do wonder why!), therefore I would have thought well provided for. He has now refused to return to mediation but my solicitor has made it quite clear to his that this is not avoidable, whichever way he tries it. He is up to all sorts, but I am a clever girl and have found out a lot! I am hanging onto the texts/emails, my solicitor has written to his about it. Regarding being sacked, that issue will be addressed at a later date, just on the backburner for now. Indeed, being left on state benefits when I have always been an earner is very difficult. I will make sure it is a temporary measure and I do know that the amount of tax I have paid over the years will more than compensate for the current pittance I receive. So basically it is all down to the Form E disclosure now and I will fight, believe me. I do think he is entirely under the thumb. He is not the brightest spark and I believe that she has encouraged him entirely with all of this, they should be utterly ashamed, the least he could have done was supported me until I got back on my feet. Paying a bit of maintenance every month (and complaining about it) does not really cut it! Thank you so much for your support!! *BigPawsBrown"...thank you, yes, I have just started counselling, I am hoping it will really help. She appears very controlling and he is very weak. I won't let them ruin my life although it feels like that right now :-(

MrsC1969HJ Fri 21-Mar-14 01:39:45

Dirtybadger Thank you for your post. He didn't give me any grounds, the first I knew about it was when I received my P45 from the accountants with a note of apology. He then sacked that accountancy firm and got a new one, probably so that I couldn't get hold of any accounts/paperwork! He immediately stopped my salary. I am able to get legal aid for this and it is something I will pursue as it was pretty disgusting and he knew what he was doing was wrong and would not discuss it. A bit later on his solicitor put in writing that I had "no role" within the company! I did all his admin and actually continued to produce invoices for him even after he left! It was outrageous! Talk about no moral compass!

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